Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

I'm another one suckered in by a really early declaration of love. He asked me to marry him after only a couple of months, got down on bended knee and asked me at a party in front of all our friends.

Fairly constant pecking away at my confidence, telling me I was coasting at my job, asking (in a silly fucking sing song voice) why if I was unhappy with my weight didn't I just go on a diet? (this was on the last night of a group skiing holiday so while everyone else went out and had a fab night I stayed behind and had one of those dreadful emotionally draining arguments with him - I wish I'd told him to fuck off and just gone out)

Constantly telling me how to do really simple things - how to stack the dishwasher (my dishwasher, in my flat) and how to get out of the shower without dripping on the floor. Patronising in the extreme.

Utterly selfish and self centred. One incident springs to mind... I had to go up to central London to collect my mum's car she'd left behind when she was admitted to hospital for emergency surgery, I also had to take my cat to cattery on the same day, so I trudged off with the cat box (and a load of stuff to take to my mum in hospital) on a four hour round trip and not once did he look up from the footy to ask if he could give me a life anywhere. My sister was horrified. Not the actions who claims you are the love of his life.

He cheated on me and to this day won't admit it... he went on holiday with his new girlfriend to a really exotic and romantic location three weeks after we broke up. I don't believe for a minute he'd only just met her.

OH and the perfume one rang a bell with me. I always wore Chanel Crystalle. He bought me a bottle of some Godawful shite from Tiffany that stank to high heave. It smelled like old lady perfume, something Hyacinth Bucket would wear, stuffy musty and so far from me it's not true. He then got really offended if I didn't wear it.

He used to constantly tell me that he hardly had to touch his other girlfriends to make them orgasm, his not so hidden subtext being that I was frigid because I couldn't have an orgasm just with him twiddling my nipples like he was tuning the fucking radio!

Bet that was a lie fairy

I know it's not really the theme of the thread but the red flags are sadly well covered.

I wish there was always a reminder 'listen to your little voice'. Idk, it's totally at odds with how abusive relationships work. That's the whole fucking point really!!

But there is always something that you can't reason away or make excuses for so it's just uneasily glossed over. Something is always banging away or saying 'you know this isn't right'. Listen to the little voice.

Wishing there was never any need to bang your head on the wall when you remember the things your parents/friends/colleagues said or the little looks that you just wouldn't hear/see.

I hope I haven't condemned my DCs to unhappy singledom but I've said you should never be unhappy more than you're happy. Nobody should hurt your feelings if you don't agree with them. It's simple for now but age appropriate.

I had one ex that took me home to meet his mother (no problems right?) she was excitedly talking to me about all 'our' plans to move to Malta when we were married and how when we all lived together how she would be helping me with all the GC. Not only had we only been together for 2 weeks he hadn't said any of this to me and she didn't think it was weird in the least!

We'd move away from my family because I wouldn't be lonely living with all of his (parents and 4 sibs) etc

His best friend hit on me, fairly hard- I told him I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. Got a massive mouthful for leading his friend on and being slutty.

I promptly had enough and left him after a grand total of 4 weeks. He spent twice that stalking me and trying to win me back - sending his brothers round etc
Not to mention all the 'usual'.

Mental.

This has caused the majority of our rows, because of course nothing is ever his fault, and he can never just say "Oh yes, I'm sorry. I fucked up there", but has to manufacture an argument about something entirely different to punish me for my temerity.

This although he isn't my ex. This thread has been eye-opening. I've really been going through some things in my mind of late, brought to a head by one incident a couple of weeks ago. My DH asked me last year if I would be willing to move to HK because his manager at work had asked him to go and hinted that it would be very beneficial for his career. He has asked before to go overseas but I could see in his eyes that he really, really wanted this one. So I said yes. However, we've had trouble getting our kids into schools (huge waiting lists) so I've been back here (Australia) with the kids and we've made two 1 month long visits. Throughout, on his working days, he was leaving at 7:30 in the morning and coming back at 7:30 in the evening (although claiming to leave at six - it's 35 mins door to door). He often bitches and moans that the role was not what he expected (and to be fair, it hasn't been) and I listen and provide input . Anyway, bonus time came around towards the end of our last trip and he didn't get the bonus he was expecting. So he was looking at jobs in New York with their glamorous salaries and asked me if I would consider moving there - he clearly gave me this look he gets like "You're not being supportive if you don't say yes". I didn't commit to anything, said I'd have to think it over (we've lived in the US before). Anyway, that same morning he said he'd probably stroll into work a bit late that day just to show them he wasn't a pushover. I had a big trip to Disneyland with the kids planned but we had run out of cereal and bread so I asked him if he could just pop down to the bakery and get something to eat for the kids. It's a ten minute round trip. He totally lost it, said it would create a very bad impression if he got into work late etc etc and told me to go do it myself. He left shortly before 8am and got there at 8:45 - yeah, that'll show them!!! As most of you know, the logistics of being a bit upset, getting kids dressed, out the door etc meant that we didn't eat until 9:30am. I was so livid but I couldn't really convey that because I didn't want to upset the kids on the last day with their dad the next day.

In the two and a half weeks since I've been back, he has barely talked to the kids (to be fair, he does text me more). I asked my eleven year old DD how much time Daddy has spent on Skype with them just to confirm this and she answered 'Zip". I said to her that that's not true, he has spent some time and she said about 40 minutes. That equals about 2.5 minutes each day over 16 days but really it's been about twice on a weekend. He doesn't call them to wish them good night. The day before last I was having a really s^#% day (just one of those days where everything is a mess, kids fighting etc), texted that I was feeling 'overwhelmed and miserable' when asked how I was and received a phonecall from him soon after. When I told him about it, he was just completely silent for at least ten minutes - no words of comfort, advice, just nothing. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall (and probably would have got more sympathy). Then I remembered a row we had a couple of years ago where he said "Don't you ever think that running around after the kids and doing things at home is ever equal to my work". So, really, I'm a bit of an idiot for expecting anything else.

That's rough Mimi has he always been a bit like this, or got worse?

It's got worse the more 'successful' he has become. I don't think he was like that at all when we first met but maybe the warning signs were there and I didn't notice? I was in my late teens when we met, together five years before kids and now it's been 16 years. One warning sign which i didn't notice was that he often dismissed the value of friendship - often used to say that friends just put unnecessary pressure on you etc and sadly i seemed to let a lot of my old friendships just slip away. I've made new ones since then, and definitely now ignore any advice not to " invest too much emotional energy in them" etc. At the time what he said seemed to make some sense but all it really ended up doing was isolating me , it's interestibg that he often uses financial type language to describe relationships and people. He wasn't like that but each better job, promotion etc seems to elevate a side of him that wasn't very apparent.

Mine got worse the more successful he became too

That is sad. Isolating you is a 'classic' tactic.

Ok here we go
Ex's were psychos- of course
He loved to play fight, until I apparently caught one of his balls, at which point he threw water all over me. Whipped him with a tea towel and he started screaming at me to get out, pushed me (he's 6"5) and then refused to move his car out the drive so I could actually get out lol
On speaking of his ex and mother to his ds, he said he "just wanted to replace her"... but he didn't mean it like that apparently
Would ask his ds what he wanted to watch on tv and never mine who would be sat next to him
Invited me to stay at his 6 months into relationship, but me and ds would have to sleep in one room and him and his ds in other!!
Bragged about never having cheated on anyone
Went on and on about what a good guy he is/was
Pestered me for anal, even during the period he was planning to dump me
Saying he wanted to settle down and be a family, yet refusing to come to the hospital when my ds was rushed in with breathing difficulties
Hated his ex with a passion, yet continued to inform me about everything about her including when she gets her period WTAF
was obsessed with sex in public places
Knew I like black men based on my previous ex and so every time we walked past a black guy would stare at me to see if I looked
NEVER rang
NEVER picked up phone
Complete and utter prick

I read a quote the other day 'never marry someone you wouldn't want to be divorced from'. My DH has always been open about how terrible he'd be if I left, and that's partly why I'm still here.

This is a very therapeutic thread!

1. Returned from work trip to US to accuse me of affair as I'd 'moved things in the house'. I'd been cleaning!
2. Taping my phone calls. Found a dictaphone hidden programmed to activate each time I spoke next to phone.
3. Finding him downstairs at 3am with next door neighbour and friend, getting stoned and drinking the champagne I'd bought from France week before for Christmas. He married friend after I kicked him out.
4. Accusing me of at least 6 affairs, including one with my best friend, a confirmed homosexual as his mum said we were 'close'.
5. Buying me a fucking cookery book as a Christmas gift.

Sure I'll think of more but the memories of what knob he was have made me laugh!! :o

looming in doorways .. not letting me pass
kicking me out the lounge at 8 pm so he could play COD, drink and smoke weed, and getting shirty if i wouldn't leave
insisting on having the bathroom door open, even when it was chilly, and DD was bathing (i was in the bathroom keeping an eye on her)
telling me to iron my face as i was getting wrinkles
telling me he hit me to defend himself, he is 6 ft 4 and i am way shorter than that
invading my space, poking me relentlessly, till i lost it and shoved him and took that as a cue to punch me
sweeping me with the broom telling my dd he is getting the rubbish out the room
but being wonderfully pleasant and loudly caring to me when family around

uggh uggh why does it cost so much to get them out your life (occupation order) when they are breaking the law. some of its so subtle, so demoralising
still worried he might come back and i can't afford to go back to court (occupation order ends soon..)

Reading this thread has helped me wave my red flag as its so like some of the others!
He text me to say he had fallen for me within the first 2 weeks. This was after he had dumped me out of the blue a month before because I was "negative"
Saying 'you need to be here with me' if I ws somewhere else, seeing friends family.
No communication with his mother.
Huge sex drive, liked sending cock pics and telling me what he wanted to do to me. Then suddenly the sex drive dried up.
Would never support any good things I did. Was never happy for me. He said he was but he behaved differently. When I questioned him he said I was mad.
Would text me 'let's leave it tonight' if anything was going against his plan, if I was going to be late etc.
Cancelled valentines day at the last minute when I hadn't given him a card in the morning. Went into a rage and dumped me. Said I had to pay half back for the computer he bought me for Xmas.
Said he was going to asked me to get engaged. He never did. On talking about sharing financially he said its the right thing to do because them I would be locked into him. (I didn't do it)
Said all his girlfriends were mad/mental/alcoholics etc.
Told me I was the first woman he respected.
Told me I never Hughes him when I did
Said I was lacking in feelings, very tough and didnt care
Said I was the most intelligent person he had ever met.
Dumped me finally as the 'relationship wasn't normal' because I am doing a course in sept and I wouldn't sell my house which is 70miles from him
He used Internet dating sites
Told me I would,never find anyone who loved me as much as he did.
I am pretty convinced he spied on my text messages. After a row he text me to ask when was I going on holiday as he had just read it in my deleted folder from my friend. When later I asked how he had read this, he told me his daughter had accidently seen it. Impossible given the dates.
These are my red flags. At the time I was so grateful he loved me so much. Or seemingly so

Bump

Please learn from the wise women of MN. Might save you years of expensive psychotherapy...

Bloody hell, this is such an informative thread. I'm going to ask my DB and SIL to let my DN read it, so she can recognise the red flags. She's 14 and just starting to get interested in boys but clearly some of these arseholes have been like this since their teens. Forewarned is forearmed I think. They should teach this stuff in school.

I want to say that I'm lucky to have never been in a relationship with anyone who ever behaved like this, but it shouldn't be down to luck. None of this is normal. So many twats on this thread sound like my lovely friend's ex and father of her DS. Thankfully she has been rid of him for over ten years but she still bears the emotional scars. I hated him on sight but she was loved up and always played down the abuse/violence. Only after they split did she tell me what actually went on. Don't suppose any of these arses are called A*, grew up in Cornwall, went to private school, dropped out of Uni and lived in London doing cash in hand IT jobs? Oh and had a liking for cocaine and vodka?

Busters I would like to think I would have taken this stuff on board at 14, but sadly, realistically, I don't think I would. My self-esteem, cos of the way I was brought up with serious boundary issues, would have ensured I wouldn't. Not suggesting your dn is in the same place.

You make a very good point Parsley my friend had a great upbringing, with caring parents and she was confident and ballsy. I used to look up to her as she was far more outgoing and confident than I was. Until she went off to Uni and met the twat. Please don't blame yourself/the way you were brought up, they can manipulate the strongest and self confident of women so cleverly that they don't realise it is happening until it's sometimes too late to get out quickly.

My DN has also had a great upbringing with supportive parents but my friend's experience and many of the posts here from women who were strong and just got sucked in, makes me realise that anyone can fall prey to these men.

I get what you are saying Busters but with me it became a pattern i had to break. Maybe if your self-esteem is better, at the end of such a relationship you learn more quickly, and pick up the non-verbals better. I have needed some help with breaking the pattern, but I am getting there, hopefully...Thank you, kind lady for your kind words x

Since separating from my exH and spending time talking to my mother about his behaviour it has occurred to me how very similar my fathers behaviour, temper, expectations of women are to my exH's this is something that I honestly didn't see until I had looked back at reflected on it,

Me too Susie...both were bullies, but took me years to realise...

Yep same here parsley bullies who want their own way all the time, trouble is its like this big elephant in the room when I talk to my mum because it's now So obvious they are very similar, and she had accepted this behaviour for years and I think thats where I without realising it also learnt this acceptance of putting up and shutting up! Not really sure what the way forward is as I feel like I want to address it but to do so would cause big family ructions!

Susie are you out of the relationship now? I would think hard about addressing the family issue. Mine just got very nasty if anything was said that was even slightly critical...Dad is dead now, so nothing further possible now.

Yes separated from exH about 18 months now but addressing similarities about my father with with my mum would be difficult but I guess that would be the same for most people .