Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

i read this because of another thread, but im slowly starting to put together that he wa sactually ea. my story with with my hopfully soon to be ex husband is complicated but he used to do alot of thing youv said.

gas liting, was made to feel like i was over reacting to something, like for exampkle with ds1 i was 7months preg and we where about to go out, he wa sin the drivers seat and hed play the "allmost in but pull away game" i had the door open , one foot in the car and he drives forward. when i was wtf he said it was only a joke, made to feel liek i was in the wrong.
being exsevily rude to people, the way he answered the phone and barked the down the phone.
he also told me he loved me with in weeks of meeting

would be tight with money
he would moan i should go out more, but turth is itd be easier not to have to deal with the aftermath,
the constant having to fight on tot he relationship and walking on egg shells.

he had hit me once when on his perscription drugs
but its not till it ended (for different reason) that i felt relieved and started seeing how wrong everything he did to me was. and how on earth did i put up with it.

Going ridiculously apeshit and saying that I was staring at the crotch of a family friend the first time he stayed at my parents house (no of course I fucking wasn't!). Smashing things up in a rage and saying I was lucky it wasn't my face. This included punching my windscreen til it broke when I was driving. I could go on forever, but actually they weren't very subtle red flags were they?! I saw sense after 6 months, god knows how far it would have gone if I hadn't!

Ex deluded pothead telling me that the real reason my mum hated him so much was that she wanted to split us up so she could have him for herself

More subtle ones included getting angry when saying perhaps I should stop having fried breakfasts provided by him every morning as I might gain weight. Why would that matter? Do I just want other men to look at me? Yes he would prefer that I was fat so that I was less attractive to other men! During a massive apologising and grovelling session after on of his "episodes" I dared to politely comment that his paranoia and aggression may in some part be contributed to by his massive weed consumption. HE immediately swore he would never smoke it again, just please don't leave him. Half a day later he bundled me into his car, drive at 100mph to his dealer's house screaming at me that THIS is what he gets like if I try to FORCE him to stop smoking, so it is me and NOT the weed that is the problem. We eventually arrived to meet his dealer and I was a hysterical sobbing wreck in the passenger seat, even his skanky dealer looked concerned. Then he had his smoke, and the apologising and grovelling started all over again. Joy!

Has to ruin every opportunity for a nice outing or special occasion. Anyone else get this ? Even a simple trip with the kids to the swimming pool on a weekend afternoon will be spoiled by arguments/ rants from him in the car more often than not during the familiar ten minute drive across town. Heaven help you if there is a family wedding to attend or anything involving the smallest amount of stress/ unfamiliar directions/ time pressure.

Special days such as anniversaries and Christmas Day instead of being honoured and celebrated will be special candidates for surprise attack. You will stop looking forward to anything as any day can be destroyed Apologies will be thin on the ground ( in my case)

Ah yes, Jug, my first ph was like that. Didn't like you mixing with other people, so would sabotage...

Thanks parsley

I'm getting to think, after 25 years together (everyone says I deserve a medal !) that he just doesn't like me being too happy, or too settled.

At any rate he has sabotaged so many moments where I was or could have been really happy - like on holiday, or celebrating an anniversary, Christmas Day as I've mentioned.

It really is very strange behaviour. I'm beginning to feel that I can't invest much more in trying to understand it, or manage it in some way - you know the "walking on egg shells" thing.

I'm not sure I can see it lasting another 25 years put it that way

Well, I managed 20yrs the last time. So my next divorce is due when I'm 70, by my current record...mine upped the ante of EA until I could stand it no longer. He also involved dd which was frankly unacceptable. As I said to him, you've always been a shit husband, but you've started being a shit father too.

Very early on in our relationship, total overreaction to me having a bit too much to drink. On my 21st birthday. I wasn't even drunk enough to throw up. Resulting in me crying and apologising and him deciding that although I was a "broken" person I could be fixed.

He loooooved fixing me.

On our wedding day, he insisted that the entire wedding had to be under 5 hours from arriving at the church to leaving for our honeymoon, and he virtually shoved me into the car as I was saying goodbye to my family who had flown long-haul to be there.

On our first day back, he told me that he wouldn't let me read the newspaper at the breakfast table, or indeed at any time when he was in the house, and he always told me I was "grumpy" when I was reading a book

I do worry about the DCs witnessing his tirades of EA in my direction (as happened yesterday in the car with DCs in the back - car is favourite/ worst venue for us)

He is a good father except he doesn't think how bad it is for DD to see me on the receiving end of this virtual hatred from him. Or for DS to see this role-model of how men behave to their partners.

Oh the info on this thread should be on the National Curriculum! Here's mine....

Everyone was jealus of him because he was so talented. All his family were jealus of him when he was married because of his "perfect" life. Anyone who criticises him or doesn't like him (and believe me, there's more than one )...............is jealus of him. His ex-wife was jealus of us coz I was 15 years younger (helloooooooo - RED FLAG!). Actually, she was always very nice to me, I always felt that she was relieved to be rid of him!

Expecting someone else (muggins here) to pay for his expensive sport and lifestyle. Constantly complaining about his Mother "not being dead" so he couldn't have the inheritance - right from the beginning of the relationship.

Again.......porn, porn, porn and every time I complained about him lying in bed wanking for hours it was because I'm not a "playgirl". Always glad that my retaliations were pretty good on that one "I'm sure my parents are very happy about that" and "like there's a big bloody queue of them waiting to get their hands on you" plus the one that seemed to really hit home "well you're no friggin George Clooney".

Bragging to his friends that he had "4 English pussies my house" when my 9 and 12 year old nieces came to stay (4th was my cat.......oh how hilarious)

Always looking at other women, just even driving past in the car he would make a big thing of gawping.

Making sexual comments about a pretty 13 yr old we knew (puke!)

As other people have said, insanely jealus of those who were more succesful than him in his chosen sport. It was never coz they were good at it (especially the women) it was because they were luckier than him.

Commenting on my clothes/shoes. Refusing to take me somewhere if he wasn't happy.

Completly over-the-top rages for stupid little things. Always my fault of course.......seems to be a familiar story.....

Constantly going on about me being fat ("when are the twins due?" EVERY time we had people to visit). When I finally snapped and pointed out that he was no Speedo model and looked like Gollum when naked he responded by jumping on me and banging my head on the floor repeatedly and giving me a black eye.

Gosh, there are so many of these wank-spasms around! Where do they all come from? Is there a factory somewhere churning them out just to annoy decent, trusting women?

Ooh, his mother not being DEAD! Ffs...

Maths poor you, that is just bleurgh!

See, you need to observe the Mother Relationship carefully. Hero worship can indicate unreal expectations of all other female relationships. Love/hate, like my ph, that's how he'll probably be with you. But if they outright hate them, major problem. What they need is a well-balanced relationship with them. Shame they can't fill in a questionnaire that's got those trick questions in to tell if they are lying...

Oh yes Parsley...........and took the mickey out of her constantly when she found she had a tumour and was frightened it was cancer - wot a tool!

Oh, another one to add - a total lack of interest in anything you do eg work, hobbies etc. The moment you tell a story about work (not even dreary work details) he switches off and later in the relationship will just tell you that you're boring. (Even though that when out he can clear a table - everyone "suddenly" takes up smoking as an excuse to escape his repetetive converations about himself...)

Putting a 9 year-old boy in an armlock until he cried? (the relationship was finished by this time and I was well into my exit strategy)

CONSTANT criticism of other people which which eventually turn into constant criticism of you..........

Having a young lass (19 ish) helping him with his sport which involves going away for the weekend. She has helped him out since she was 14. He doesn't pay her but if he wins something he'll give it to her. Part of her "job" is unpacking, folding and putting away his pants.

I bought this really nice floral printed dress. This horrible ex said are you wearing the curtains! And he was quite mean with money. And used to say in a really pompous voice 'I take gross exception to that', when I was critical of him when we had an argument. Honestly, I must have been mad to tolerate him.

My H is always commenting on women who've had plastic surgery on the telly - calling them monsters etc.

There is a good side I guess that he thinks women should grow old gracefully and even that they are beautiful "au naturel" but I wish he could say this positively (if at all) - especially in front of DCs and DD in particular.

It's driving me nuts ! Especially as he tends to talk over whatever the women are saying as he makes these superficial criticisms. Argghhh !

@susiedaisy

Summer just came tonight! Seems like someone was listening to my prayers after all.

Some of the stuff I have been reading on here is Psychotic, disgusting and lots I just don't have words for :(
Queenoftarts- I've been through something very similar to you.
I was 15 he was 25. Granted I lied about my age at the start and said I was 17 but I told him quite quickly and before we had slept together.
He knew I was a product of a fucked up family. Fully used that to his advantage.
Stopped me from going to college as all the guys around my age would hit on me!!! Like I didn't have my own mouth to refuse.
Pretty much forced me to stop taking the pill and refused to wear condoms= resulting in falling pregnant at 16
All of my friends were sluts, bitches etc.... so of course if I wanted to spend time with them I was-by-proxy the same.
Made mountains out of molehills in so many situations, blowing things up out of all proportion just to make me cry- he got off on it.
Used the fact I was SA as a child against me. Also after me being open with him about it and telling him the DON'TS for our sexual relationship- he would sometimes go ahead and do them anyway, wait for me to freeze/react then blow it off- it was MY stupid fault for feeling/being like that-
Informed me that he had never physically violent towards a woman in his life- but found no problem in doing so to me, quite often like a pro knowing where to hit to leave no marks
Forced me to lie to my family numerous times.
uncalled for and relentless need for control, my hair, my make up, my clothes, where i went.
Constant jealousy, being accused of shagging someone if I was longer than I said I would be- he had unrealistic time limits too like 5 mins to get to shop-get served-get home when in reality it took 3/4 mins to walk there same to walk back not to mention queues etc... he couldn't do it in that time but expected me to wanker
I was severely depressed on 2 lots of anti-D's morning and night ones which weren't really working and still it continued.
Was very clever to cover from my own family and his too- they all thought/still think the sun shines out of his arse and that it's me/my fault why we split.
Suppose it was my fault as I wouldn't put up with his bullshit abuse anymore.
When I did get him out he moved to flat very close to me and knew my every move, when my lights were on etc.. fucking goldfish bowl
End result is I lost mine and DS's home as he wouldn't help me with money, left me in lots of debt which he didn't pay. My Ds's live with him due to this and he makes it extremely difficult between us, he enjoys punishing me this way.
Made my relationship with my family difficult as they believed all his BS he'd been planting little bits of crap to them and they fell for it. I don't blame them really he was very calculating and sly.
I have survived because I am strong, stronger than he'll ever be and to this day it still pisses him off fuck him
There's so much more I could write but I'm going to watch a movie and have a cuddle with my sweatheart :) I found a good one.
For those that got away from twats= well done xx
for those that are still with= stay strong never let the bastards win xx

Ive remembered some more too:

Bought me a "happy 18th" satin heart (yum - NOT) for my 19th birthday because he didnt know how old I was (we had been dating 7 months by this point)

We were shopping, and I tried a few summer dresses on, found one we both really liked, and went to buy it, only to be asked by him "why did I want to buy it?" he thought I wasted all that time trying them on for the fun of it

Wouldnt let me wear long drop earrings as they made my neck look short, they had to be posts or really tiny drops

After going out one night to a strange pub, I told him the way home was to the right, and he refused to believe me, drove us 5 miles to the left before saying it wasnt the right way, and went another route - strangley it took us past the pub to get home. This was a common theme throughout our relationships - I am very good with directions and directionsense and every single time I contradicted him, he would ignore me, go his way and discover I was right but blame me for not telling him early/well/in a manner which made him believe me

I found out he had visited a massage palour, and he expected me to believe that he went to the only massage palour in the red light district that didnt offer anything other than massages

Wouldnt let me have blue and silver decorations on our christmas tree, they had to be red, green and gold otherwise they werent Christmassy

Im sure there are more, they keep coming back to me as I read this thread - it really is surprising how much of a script these blokes follow.

1. hated my family and would go hot and cold on our mutal friends.
2. massive tantrums for no reason.
3. could be so sweet and funny then the next he would be angry.
4. go from shouting or being nasty to sobbing in 2.secs
5. hated his ex. it was all her fault.
6. was 'so clever' but made me help him with his degree essays etc
7. it was always my money we were spending
8. Lies, gaslighting
9. offence over the smallest thing and would not let it drop, yet i was 'over sensitive' if i was hurt by his horrible comments and snide remarks.
10. Sex was his 'right' any time he wanted it.
11. I did not understnad him properly and that was why it was okay that he pushed me into the middle of a road in my wheelchair...oh, and the road was clear at the time, so it was totally fine, right?!
12. He threw..actually threw..my pet rabbit across the room because he was 'too loud' in his cage.

So, so many other things I can''t even put into words because it is too confusing, even 2 years on.

Red flags which I should have heeded include:

1. Always being late when we were first dating (selfish)
2. Lying about huge debts, only admitting it when we put in an offer on a house so he was forced to.
3. Asking me what I liked in sex, then ignoring it (he didn't really care but was pretending to)
4. Always asking for incredibly expensive things for his birthday, saying I didn't love him if I couldn't afford them
5. Buying expensive gifts, and food after payday, to demonstrate how nice/generous he was, then living off me for the rest of the month (when I was told I was 'tight' for budgeting).
6. Always having passwords on his computer.
7. Always having his phone with him, hiding messages.
8. Watching unrealistic porn, and holding it up as an example for how I should behave.
9. Dismissing my feelings/my efforts/my plans as if they meant nothing.

And the biggest red flag of all:

10. My secret feelings that I didn't love him, or even respect him, but moral obligation to stay with him because he wanted me to (what was I thinking?!)

In the future, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't put any effort into the relationship.

I saw a saying the other day that I thought was very apt:

"Never let someone who contributes so little to a relationship control so much of it"

good advice susie....