Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

im still about it tbh, it was christmas and he agreed to stay at my dads with me but in a seperate bedroom he was happy to do this, but it was just so he could have my laptop while i was sleeping to put this spy ware stuff on the computer. i actually want to ask him why he did what he did but i know i'd get no sane answer,,he admits nothing, if he admitted anything he'd have a reason or someone to blame i have a full log of our msn conversations on my computer, think it must have been to do with the kgb stuff its awful reading :-/

I'm just glad you got out of it, salad. They do lasting damage, but we heal eventually. Presumably he needed to steal & own your life - the inside of your head, as well as your body and your activities. Scary weirdo.

Oh FFS - iPod keeps losing my posts at the point of pressing 'post' tonight.

Getting right on my daily bugle now.

I bet that log is harrowing reading, salad, like prodding a toothache only worse.

These mentalists must truly believe we're possessions for them to control and monitor rather than human beings.

i just wish i could share all these things with my best friend but her views on DV are so very wrong

Oh heck were do I start

A 23 year old man dating a 16 year old school girl from a broken family who didnt get on with either of her parents ( he assumed correctly I would be easily to manipulate)

Sulking for days and weeks and one time a month after we started dating cos I mentioned my daughters father's name, yes I was 16 having her and her dad had already vamoosed after a one night stand :( but I wasnt allowed mention his name or tell my child about her real dad

Refusing to allow my daughter call him anything but daddy,

Telling me during sex one night that he fancied my sister (under legal age)

Never washing himself or his clothes, or brushing his teeth

Accusing me of having affairs constantly, until it was easier to look at the ground if a man spoke to me

Refusing to acknowledge my pregnancy until the morning I had a threatened miscarriage ( I knew it was over then, our sham of a marriage)

Allowing his family treat me like crap

Raping me twice, not violently, just wudnt take no for an answer..I was his possession so it was easier to let him shag me

Leaving fag ends in my car while all the time insisting he had given up smoking and they were a mates

Catching crabs ( dunno how, didnt care)

Being a silent bully, intimidating me and the kids

When I finally plucked up the courage to leave, only 4 years ago now, as I had no family suport or money, he told me he wud trade me the dogs for the kids, him keeping the kids

He has turned my kids against me to the point they will no longer speak to me,

He told the kids I used to drug them with calpol to keep them alseep all the time,

He tried to get me evicted from the house by going to the police and saying I had attacked him with a knife, no cuts, bruising, scars, no police involved, hospital visit, no witness, no flipping proof even lol but he was believed for a time

He went to my parents, my sisters, my friends and involved all of them in his lies and fantasies,

Telling me I was a whore like my mother

Telling me I was crazy like her

Locking me in a room with a family member while the family member (his side of the family)threatened to take my kids from me, cos I was packing to leave him....Guess who backed down

Many Many more things, I cant even think of,

I just wish I had had the courage to leav him that day when I almost lost my baby, I was always one to hide my head in the sand and pray it would be better, always tried to please him...

Its true about the frog and boiling water theory..Place a frog into boiling water it will jump out straight away, heat it up slowly and the frog never realises what is happening until its too late, and you even doubt yourself and your sanity then

I was 16 when I met this man, im now 42, I escaped at 38 paying for my freedom with the loss of my children, the only way to keep them was to stay and fight it out with divorce but that took another 3 years, after I left and the atmosphere in the house was such it wasnt healthy for them... The kids wanted to stay in their home, rightly so and since I decided to go or maybe one day I would take that knife he was so fond of mentioning and do myself harm, they stayed with him

He has since attacked one of my sons, threatened another cos he tried to keep in contact with me, and they still wont speak to me, my daughter thinks he is great cos he took her on, she doesnt know he tried to persuade me to dump her on my mother and let my mam adopt her...

On my wedding day a mutual friend asked us when we were going to tell my then 6 year old daughter that he wasnt her dad, he threw such a fit at my friend, she almost passed out at the shock, he forbade my daughter being told.

I went to court to try see the kids, late teens, and was told they couldnt be forced to see me, fair enough, then he went home and told them they didnt have to see me, when I tried to enforce the court order they refused to see me

Jesus I was such a silly cow, so stupid and am so angry at myself, even to this day.

I carry an enormous anger towards men, they only have to blink crooked and I go bald headed raging for them, even when they have done very little wrong..A red mist comes down and I totally lose control...

I have resigned myself to being single, am not brave enough to trust another man again..

When ppl ask if I have kids I waver between saying yes and no, never know what to say,

Spent a year in counselling, wasnt great, didnt work out properly for me..Might try again as I got the feeling I was a burden to my cousellor and she was tired of me crying...

Please please please think on and heed my story, get out while your kids are small, abusers dont change they just mess with your head until your in a spin
No matter how hard or scary or painful it is, its a lot less painful than staying with these people

:)

May I join? Feel sick reading this thread, wanted to say that it IS possible to recover and escape. I was a highly educated business owner when the snake came along and did a spectaculary practised number on me. I fell for every lie under the sun because I wanted to believe he could be The One. Confided in him that I'd been raped, he referred to it constantly during sex. We'd be out to dinner or drinks with his female colleagues and he'd follow me to the loo, and tell me to have sex with them. I didn't. It made him so sad they he'd gone to all that trouble for me...

Told me his ex was a weak nutter who'd had a breakdown, not like strong successful me. He hit his teenage daughters and even made that sound like he was the victim. Dumped them on me for months on end, i ended up getting one into rehab after he convinced everyone her eating disorder was us 'projecting'. Stole from me, lied, gaslighted, messed up my head to the point I had a breakdown, took him almost ten years but he did a great job. I was alone and questioning my sanity. People are quick to sympathise with a male who is articulate, outwardly well-bred highly successful charity boss. I finally kicked him out, he shrugged, he'd already got another woman lined up to break.

That was two years ago. I have had great counselling, in a happy proper relationship and am proof you can rebuild, however long you've been involved.

My long winded points: it can happen to ANYONE. Low self esteem is the smell of blood to these sharks. It is NEVER just in your head and don't be ashamed of being sucked it. Just concentrate in escape, damage repair snd learning lessons. Read all you can, those books mentioned in particular. Share experiences, this has been so helpful. Thanks for letting me speak.

Thanks for speaking farandaway and everyone on here !

thequeenoftarts, I'm so sorry about your dcs. Thanks for your sharing - important for people who are staying for the sake of the dcs. And I hope you do get another shot of counselling -that's a lot of pain to be carrying.

I too am truly grateful for those ofyou who come on here and tell their story. I mainly lurk on here and one day will tell my story but even though I've been free for 10 months now, I still can't just come out and say what happened.

I've name changed for this.

I'm in the situation right now, was reading this last night next to him on the sofa and it was chilling.

He lies to me about drinking. Last night classic example. He came in and before getting near me went to the bathroom to use the mouthwash. Told me he had an abcess on the top right of his mouth.

I knew what he was covering.

Later on when eating dinner I noticed he wasn't having any difficulty, and he told me the abcess was on the other side at the bottom. I called him on it and he told me he hadn't said that, then he got funny so I shut up.

He lies to me, and I can only assume this has been from the start (6.5 years ago)

He drinks when he tells me he's at work

He tells me he's walking on eggshells around me!

He used the f word at ds at the weekend - ds is only 17 months

Like so many he has no real friends, but plenty of drinking buddies

He dropped out of work less than 6 months after meeting him - posted his resignation the day after we married. Was a kept man for 6 months watching the cricket and world cup (or whatever it was) over summer 2006.

Told me he loved me less than 10 days after meeting, proposed 1 month after meeting.

Only really speaks to his mum (weird love/hate relationship). Early on he once went round to put in a dvd player for her. They wound each other up so much he punched a floor and hurt his hand.

Used to be a bouncer and told me he's been stabbed 8 times (3 times by women) and saw a woman get her throat cut by someone telling her she deserved it (that made me cry but he wouldn't stop telling the story). Says him and other bouncers tried to intervene. I hope it isn't true.

I found a receipt in his wallet for over £100 for the pub down the road. He told me it wasn't his.

Tells me he's never hit a woman and never would.

Pretended to be a fake brother in emails to people, and has told people we know he has a brother - he doesn't.

Has pretended by email to be dead (emailing as fake brother). Also pretended to be in a psych hospital due to some major family tragedy.

He doesn't have any personal hygiene - hasn't had a bath yet this year and rarely brushes his teeth. We haven't had relations since October.

I could go on, but it's too awful.

Pre him I had a job, a house, friends and saw my family lots. Now I have two beautiful dc (3 and 1), but he spent the equity in the house, we ended up in council housing, I lost all but 1 friend, and I don't see my family that much. I'd never had a boyfriend before him, and I was 35 when I met him. Vulnerable or stupid? Not sure.

Sorry this is so long. I know what I need to do, but it's so scary. I am a complete wimp I know.

The personal space thing - this starts early, when he is a stranger and he touches you in a "friendly" way.

notsuch have you thought about counselling, it helped me.

Another ex of mine.....

Was a very hard-drinking squaddie. Was always being put under bunk arrest. Once refused to speak to me on a coach journey back from Windsor because I didn't know the opening bars to an old Platters song. Used to get absolutely shit-faced in the mess bar. Was exceptionally violent when I wasn't with him. Was very intimidating. Used to feed me misinformation. The last time he did this, I drove out of those barracks never to see him again. Dread the thought of ever doing so again. But all this happened 26 years ago......

Yes, it's scary CremeEgg, but you can do it.

Does it help you to see that all the women on this thread got out, and we were all as scared as you once?

Yes it does. This side of it is just so scary. Why can he seem so nice? Why can't he just stay nice? He tells me he could never live without me.

But a while ago he wanted to beat someone up. He didn't because he knew with his past record he'd be put away. His words were "I could live without seeing the dc again, but not you". And those words eat away at me every day. How could you never see your dc again?

I've really screwed up.

You'll probably find the resources and discussions on this thread useful, CremeEgg

He is nice when it suits him, and because it keeps you hooked.

He can't stay nice, because the mask sometimes slips. He can't stay nice, because he chooses to be abusive. He can't stay nice, because he wants to use abusive tactics to keep you in line.

Telling you he could never live without you is manipulative, a threat, and the sign of a very disturbed individual. As is his statement about you vs DC. He thinks you should be his emotional care-taker - that's all he is concerned with. Not your value as an individual, and not his DC.

He can control his aggression: he's proven it. He chooses not to control it around you, because he believes you are there to suit his needs. He does not see you as a person in your own right.

You have not screwed up: he has.

Thank you. I'll pop that on my watch list and come back to it.

Well done for getting free NotSuchA
Like your NN BTW - just some flowers for you !

ACremeegginbothcheeks . You're not a wimp and there is another life out there, you just need to dig deep and find your inner strength! Lots of support out there if you keep posting x

"I wasnt allowed mention his name or tell my child about her real dad"

Me too, queen .

She knows all about him now. Why did we allow that?

Bump

No friends
made decisions for me
can't remember ex's (who he lived with) surnames
ex gf committed suicide - no funeral
gaslighting
lying
He's soon to be ex...

Could write a book about my exh, but, for example, I always hated going to social gatherings, out for a meal with another couple etc because he always told the same 'joke': 'My wife and I share a sense of humour. We have to, she hasn't got one.' Ha bloody ha. Divorced the bugger in 1992, he is still a tosser, and an alcoholic to boot.

Loses temper at tiniest, most meaningless things
Impatient
Indecisive so looks to me to make decisions then woe betide me if I make the wrong one, I'll suffer for that the rest of the day
Tight as a gnat's arse yet god forbid I ask for money he owes me
Snide comments about my family
Snide comments about my friends (and some of his who I get on well with)
Occasional gaslighting (has been happening more often recently)
Expects to be waited on hand and foot if he's ill but if I'm ill he'll just get irritated by me and I have to sort myself out
Makes negative comments about my appearance
I can count on one hand the number of times he's complimented me
World owes him a favour
Never takes any responsibility for his actions, it's always someone else's fault
He's my first long-term boyfriend and he won't let me forget this or my lack of relationship experience; it gets brought up at any opportunity
Expects me to do all sorts for him but I don't feel I can ask him any favours
Does favours I haven't asked him to then gets pissy if I'm not sufficiently grateful
Constantly self-pitying
Jealous of me and my achievements
Tries to control me through food
Ex-wife was psychotic (the reality is she's actually nice and was probably driven to drink by him, poor woman)
His kids seem to be an inconvenience at best
Constantly making remarks about 'when we split up' or 'when you move on'; well if it's such a foregone conclusion, why are you still here? Martyr!

As for why I'm still here - we live together and he's due to move up to his smallholding for the summer. As soon as that happens, we're done.

I wish things could have worked out between us, but until he takes responsibility for the choices he's made in his life and deals with his bitterness, there's no chance. I wish whoever takes him on next the best of luck, because she'll need it. I just hope she's strong enough to tell him to fuck off if he even tries half the stuff he has with me. I just wish I'd dumped him the day he first shouted at me.

kern I bet the summer can't come soon enough for you.