Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Fucking Bastard indeed Benedicts - literally! What a bunch of utterly vile tactics this thread reveals.

Incredibly useful though, for the first time ever i find myself unable to hide behind my usual internal platitudes of 'oh well, water under the bridge, shit happens'

I was pretty and really sweet natured and kind and young and vulnerable and these fuckers saw, licked their lips and went to work bleeding me dry.

Arrrrrggghhhh! There, that feels marginally better...

Oh I'm so sorry Benedicts that's so wankerish to say the least.

I'm really sorry too you didn't meet a good man when you were young Bibi - glad thread is helping a bit. Is a good one I agree.

7 years Bibi when you weren't sure on the first date

One of mine (the worst) used to lie and/or exaggerate constantly, and make up slightly bizarre stories that just didn't sound right... that he obviously thought made him sound good.

He once told me he had to punch a woman in a shop because she was slapping a disabled guy in a wheelchair. He went on to describe with great glee how her head smacked the floor, she skidded across it unconscious, and everyone applauded him.

A few months later, he forgot he'd told me that story and told it again... only this time it was in a park and she was slapping a child in a pushchair.

In every aspect of his life, he always described himself as the wrongly persecuted victim, or the fearless hero.

I should have run for the hills as a teenager when the boyfriend cheerfully went home to a warm bed when he knew I had nowhere to stay on two freezing nights, no one else's door to knock on and no choice but to stay out all night, he said I could come round in the morning when his father left the house, like a twit I did.
Should have cottoned on and run again when I married him and he did not mention our baby once the entire time I was pregnant.
Should have hit the roof and then run when he convinced me to spend an inheritance on a business, primarily to show off to his mates, and then ran it into the ground to the extent of homelessness.
Should have realised and run when he spent years being unfairly hounded by the stupid mistakes of banks, utility providers and mortgage companies sending out all those erroneous red letters and nasty mean debt collectors to the poor persecuted man, honestly if they there were 'mistakes' to be made he got every one. Such bad luck.
And the lies!! I could write a book.
Should have woken up and smelled the coffee, I had no family though, nowhere to go and there was no mumsnet then! Took me ages to post this I hate even thinking about it all.

WhiteShores yes that was mine, either wrongly persecuted or busy being heroic and saving the day!

Thank you Juggling, think I'm more annoyed by suddenly being able to see myself as I really was back then rather than the not thin enough, not caring enough, not groomed enough, not supportive enough not anything enough person these idiots had me believing I was.

I mean, a 30 year old man telling a 19 year old that 'she has no clue how to keep a man happy' (among other things) and actually believing it FFS - he should have been kissing the ground in gratitude I was there at all.

Especially considering he was older, balding and quite fat so no oil painting.

But 'looks don't matter for men' dontcha know.

Waffling now but it really didn't help that I'd left Germany for England at age 18 and my family just wasn't interested in hearing about anything that was troubling me full stop.

Made it much harder having no one to turn to and much easier to convince myself it was ok because I had no other choice or view or input from anyone close to me.

I'll take that over to the stately homers later I think (lucky them) :)

susie - I know, such a long time to waste. Mind you, my fears were well founded as he turned out to be a violent and possessive bastard.

WhiteShores - horrible story to make up, who do they think they're impressing with that shite? Because even though crap stories like that didn't make me leave they did make me lose respect for them, inside.

Suspect it's a ploy to sneak in a bit of 'see what I'm capable of if you overstep my line'

whiteshores mine was exactly the same with the silly stories that changed on every retelling. 12 years on and I'm still annoyed at myself for believing them, even repeating them to others.

Oh, I was busy typing when your post appeared Reasons.
You wouldn't do that to a dog really, would you, knowing you had nowhere to go just cheerfully abandoning you

The last ex did something like that on a lesser scale, knowing I was flat broke and literally hadn't eaten for two days (before we lived together)

Still found it acceptable to phone me in the evenings chattering on about the nice dinners he'd just had, how busy he'd been on the playstation (too busy to come to see me of course) and suggesting a bit of phone sex to round off his night.

At least I was too tired and hungry to decline that one.

Mine used to tell people that his badn were on verge of making it big; that they'd had interest from people in a big studio.

I believed it at first, as did many others.

But then, after they'd played 2 gigs in 2 years in the pub round the corner, it started to get embarrassing - especially when peopel would ask me how the band was doing and the real answer was: "pissing about in a church hall once a week". To this day I don't know whether he genuinely believed his own shit, or whether it was better than just saying he was unemployed.

Funnily enough, when I bumped into him 3 years ago (from my new confident position of employed, married, home-owning and pregnant) and asked what he was up to, he erm, was about to go into the studio.......

I smiled encouragingly.

my ex was nearly 10 years older than me, why would a 26 year old man want to date a (very young) 16 year old? when we split up i was 25 and just thought, 16 year olds they are just babies really.

i remember hm ringig up once to see ds after we split and to talk things through, i walked in to hell that day, NEVER see them alone after you've split his words "you owe me one last fuck atleast". always had his way as well.

worse was he never once put me on a pedastal he wanted me to put him on one so i cant say thts why i stayed, i loved him to begin with, then i stayed because i felt i had no choice, i remember for about 2 years he never kissed me once then blamed me!

Oh salad, that made my blood run ice cold for you 'always got his way as well' - six words that hide a world of horror no doubt.

On a lighter note, my kitchen is a lot cleaner tonight than it has been in months - looking for somewhere to put the nervous energy generated by the memories can have its plus sides :)

....Astr0naut - if only you'd hung on a bit longer, you could have been the next Mrs Rose - what with all that success and studio time the ex's band are enjoying and everything

Projections:-
Said I never showed tenderness - was describing himself, not me
Called me manipulative - not me; him
I was useless with money - more him than me
I never talked to him - haha, Mr Sulky Silence
Said I was likely to cheat - guess who was cheating?
I never do anything for charity - mistake, as I saw what he was doing then!

And the biggie, the basis of all our arguments - I didn't trust him enough. Well, this was true; he was secretive & untrustworthy. I didn't realise until years later, piecing things together, he actually followed me a lot of the time. So even the trust thing was a projection; he clearly didn't rust me enough to let me out of his sight.

Sorry, not really red flags but this thread is clarifying a few more things.

I know, Bibi, I know. THey're such a private supergroup too; you never even hear about them!

Astr0

salad

He he he Astr0naut - nice to meet another fan :)

I've become a recent fan having spent my teenage years in the safety of pop.

I'll share a very embarrassing secret with you all - I have a picture of the magnificent Mr R (young version) as my computer screensaver and until I come across a man with a matching smile in RL I ain't interested

So long as the personality is great and both cats approve of course.

Really hope you dont mind me adding my list:

Started with our first kiss - he said just before "I may as well" - way to make me feel attractive

If we argued and he was in the wrong, he would leave me, so I had to run after him to "make up with him"

After he raped me, I strangely became "frigid" (discovered when I met DH, no I wasnt just didnt like sex with ex)

In our two bedroom house, he made the second room his, by installing a single bed, tv, video and computer - none of which I was allowed to use

He had the vilest extreme porno vids, copied from his father, that he laughingly lent to friends who were digusted with the content

He would buy the cheapest strongest alcohol in the supermarket (3l of cider normally) drink it in one go his room and then tell me it wasnt enough to get drunk and go buy some more

I wasnt allowed to wear short skirts or revealling tops, but he did like to ogle the skimpy dressed ladies

I have suffered from panic attacks before I met him, but developed agrophobia whilst with him, he borrowed my car and promised to be back within an hour so I could get to uni to get something before it closed, and then didnt come back til early evening claiming he "forgot"

He also used to buy my food during this phase, and would only buy things on my list, but would buy himself lots of treats - apparently I should have mentioned I wanted things like that before he went

I gave myself food poisoning, and he still insisted on driving me two hours to his parents house the same evening as previously arranged, and then I got criticised because I couldnt actually eat and anytime I did, it wouldnt stay in

The worst of the violence was when I refused to argue with him and went to a different room and shut the door, he barged in, slammed a A4 box file against my head, and then dragged me by my hair to the top of the stairs where he threatened to throw me down, then left me there whilst he called my dad who lived 2hrs away and told him to come and collect me before the ex killed me, I got to phone and told dad not to worry and walked out - I stupidly went back to him the next morning.

Luckily, at an old school friends wedding, about 8 months after the attack, someone asked him when we intended to get married (were engaged throughout all this), and his reply was "Im not marrying her until she completely changes her attitude to me". And then left when I was shocked because he thought I knew. My old friends was stunned too, and pursuaded me to actually split up - it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders when I really did it. However we were both broke and couldnt move out, so were stuck in seperate rooms in the same house for another 18 months.

He thought after we split, that coming into my bedroom with a condom on his erection would be enough to pursuade me for one last bit of fun, when I unsurprisingly said no, he then started offering me money - again I wasnt that desperate.

However, I got my revenge by moving my 6'4 boyfriend (now dh) into my room (but ex's old bed) whilst ex was still in the room next door

He still tried petty things like disconnecting the phone (bill in his name but we all paid) and disconnecting "his dishwasher" when he went away. Oh and telling me he didnt know what I saw in DH (what other than he treats me well, has never raised his hand to me and understands no means no)

oooh really sorry its so long but its been very therapeutic

Everyone's welcome here

Yes, come one come all and thanks for sharing your experiences CaptainRex.

its weird seeing my ex is not a one off (unfortunately) i do remember him having 1000's of pornos on the computer, he was very good with computers, he put spy ware on my laptop and his desktop and could see every conversation i had with friends, all my passwords, any info he found out he'd say the mothers at play group had told him but then i clicked he'd got my password but couldnt figure out how i constantly changed my passwords and emptied inboxes and didnt visit sites like this. he attacked me over a message between me and a friend (we where split up at the time) then my new norton anti virus picked upthe kgb spyware and it all made sense the penny dropped finally, it made me look into how abnormal it is to be so paranoid.

not sure why but that is more painful to talk about than anything else, being spied on it such a way

This thread should be a sticky at the top of the Relationships board.

Ja to that AnyFucker.

Salad - another face from me - bet he thought he was oh so clever.

I mean, do these utter psychos really think shit like that will bring you back into line?