Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Yes I know what you mean, in fact I think he pciked me because as you say I was young, naive and shy, and easy to dominate. He also put me on a pedestal.
Just thought of another thing he did, he forced me to tell him about my other boyfriends (there were only 2). He wouldn't let me keep th details to myself and I felt violated, and not for the last time unfortunately.

i actually think women are conditioned from childhood to desire some of these traits in men (i.e the seemingly 'positive' ones such as flattery, over-the top declarations of love...'you're the only one I can really talk to'.) It's all bound up with pre-teen ideals of finding 'the one' and being 'a princess' and 'trusting your heart' which are perpetuated in disney films, comics etc almost without question, when what we should really be teaching girls is how to think about relationships with a rational detachment, rather than encouraging all the giddy nonsense these men feed off.

Looking back, the forcing me to reveal my sexual history to him, even though I was crying and clearly upset, was a major red flag early on. After he had got it out of me, he was nice to me again and comforted me. It was as if he felt he had to do it, and it was necessary for our relationship that I revealed everything about myself to him. I still have to check myself and think no, I don't have to tell anyone anything if I don't want to, I am allowed a private life and private thoughts.
He also told stories about being violent to people, and wanting to be violent to them.

i am new to the site and find your experiences very interesting some of them remind me of my relationship .not open enough to talk about them yet but reading and gaining advice helps .thanx

not blaming girls or women, I should point out. I'm blaming a patriarchal super-structure which encourages and allows these patterns to repeat, generation after generation.

I completely agree about the disney thing, and fairy tales. Girls are meant to be the passive receptacle of the man's desires as he sweeps her off her feet. That kind of thing did me a lot of damage, and I've only just realised it in the last couple of years.

Reading some feminist literature has helped me see things more clearly, but there's still a lot to read and a long way to go, but I don't think I will get caught in the same situation again, hopefully, or at least if I do, I'll see what's going on quite quickly.

Hi maureensgirl, hope it helps to read about others who have been in the same situation

Was invited to a blokes house i'd dated a few times to be greeted with a "massive" framed picture of Hitler on entry.

Needless to say I left!

PMSL missfaversham

I've been trying to get up the courage to post mine, think I'll carry on lurking for a bit.

I don't think my DH picked me because I had lo self esteem. I think he picked me because I was a teenager, whereas he was 30. He had a history of dating much younger women. I think he enjoyed the power he had over bareky formed adults. The bastard.

barely formed

Now now Akaemmafrost spill the beans, most of us are we're a broad minded lot on here

I tried to put together a list of traits that most of those men seem to have in common. Half way through I felt that I have already seen the list. and here it is:

www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

It really should be mandatory reading.

HazleNutt great link thanks,

my exH ticked about ten of the boxes unfortunately!

Yep. Ex ticks every box perfectly, except for making a fuss when I left - he honestly didn't seem to give a shit at the time, although he did make an awful scene when we bumped in to each other a few months later in a restaurant, while I was having lunch with a male colleague.

He called me a slut, threw a glass of water over me and grabbed me by my hair in front of a whole (posh) restaurant full of people - a waiter stepped in and Ex slapped him, kicked him onto the floor and threatened to break his jaw. The male colleague I was having a drink with also stepped in and my Ex picked up a glass, smashed it, and threatened to cut his face.

The restaurant called the police, and they did precisely fuck all. Ex had gone by then anyway, and they didn't follow it up.

God mags and you say he's gone on to marry and have a child with someone else!

yes, thanks for the link Hazle I found the section on how to exit a relationship with a 'loser'
EG:
' Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.'

Susie, it is fucked up, I know

I know from mutual contacts that she was pregnant almost immediately after they met and that they were married within a few months. Their child is a toddler now. I think about them a lot. I feel terribly guilty sometimes. Does she have any idea what sort of man he is? .

He knocked the teeth out of the girl he raped, and broke her cheekbone

I haven't even told my DH - or anyone , actually - about how I feel.

I too think women are encouraged in some ways to live in a fairtytale or unreal world.

Absolutely.

I had this totally warped idea that I would 'fall' in love, and I equated my Ex's inappropriately fast declarations of love (and ownership) as being 'swept off my feet'

What rot.

I've mentioned on other threads about how I pity my exH new women and son because even though she seems a strong women who won't stand any messing I know the stuff that she doesn't and he will be on his very best behaviour to begin with until they are married and have a mortgage and then it will begin! Trouble is she wouldn't believe me if I told her and exH would go ballistic!

MissFaversham - that made me laugh despite the awfulness.

Mags - lots more faces at your experiences, so glad you're safe and treated the way you should be now.

I remembered on the drive home tonight that my very first instinct on being introduced to most recent ex at a party was 'loser, not interested'

And it was very strong and no doubt at all in my mind at that point.

Several weeks of keen 'advertising' by a mutual friend and suddenly I was convinced he was all the things I was told he was and he felt like a great catch.

How easily led was I? Sales persons dream, me!

....and the one before him, creeped me right out when he asked to see me again after the first date.

Really wanted to say 'no way' but I was 19, he was 30 and I was a bit scared of what he'd do if I said no even then.

Another month in and he was well on his way to having me convinced I was damn lucky he even looked at me. 7 years later I finally managed to leave him :(

Throughout our relationship he made me swear that if I ever broke up with him I'd sleep with him one last time, if I said no he'd fly into a rage and it was easier to say yes. He virtually forced me to keep my promise. Fucking bastard.