Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

FANKS - made from the finest urmin cat hair :)

Oh, went back a page and saw your rant, garlic.

Succinct and straight to the heart of the matter as always.

i think the biggest early red flag would be covering and making excuses for any of their behaviour however small. when i got with my ex i hid his age from people, i hid his history of alcohol abuse, i hid his jealousy, i noticed my friends drift off after yet another excuse of not going out.

another one he never made the effort to see my family because it made him uncomfy, every night i had to go see him when we didnt live together at his mums house and he use to sit with his head phones on tapping on my body after telling him to fuck off with the tapping, i hated that tapping!!!!
even when i had first had ds and took him home he literally looked at him for 30 mins then fooked off

oh and splitting up with me 3 days before my birthday so he didnt have to get me anything then getting back with me a few days later because he didnt want anyone else to have me? why did i not see it then!!!!

Really didn't realise how abusive the relationship was until it was over as he played a very convincing meek and mild character. Reading this thread has crystallised it.

We went travelling together and in Morocco I ate some undercooked chicken and got horrendous food poisoning. He had sex with me while I was lying in bed in our hotel room running a high fever, then went out to an internet cafe for eight hours to update his shit blog, leaving me utterly alone and uncared for while horrendously ill. Proceeded to bitch and moan about how he couldn't afford to stay in the hotel any longer than planned - we stayed one extra night and then I was forced to take a sixteen hour train journey while still ill.

I was always second fiddle to his fucking shit readerless blog.

Sex was always really rough - he openly said he didn't enjoy it when I was turned on, and if he was drunk he'd call me a "fucking slut" while we did it. He wouldn't stop when I told him he was hurting me.

Tight bastard - he was always horribly tight with money, but would waste loads gambling. On the same trip he managed to lose his passport and we had to kick around for five days organising a replacement.

Really antisocial and paranoid.

A terminal loser consumed with self pity, but really nasty about other people, borne utterly out of insecurity and low self esteem. No sense of humour and no fun to be with.

Refused to pay me back money he owed me after we split.

Ignored me for six months while I was working abroad - no emails, no phone calls, then acted surprised when I dumped his arse when I got back.

Extremely self piteous and put me on a pedestal - oh you could do so much better than me - kind of crap in an effort to manipulate me. He was right, I have done much better than him and thank god daily he never wanted to settle down (I pushed for marriage and kids and he refused - yay!)

"making excuses and hiding their behaviour"
WHy do we do that?
I often think that to myself why did I make light of his actions and play down the effect even though I now realise most people who were close to me could see straight through it!

my ex manipulated me so much that i remember one of my new friends asking me if he hit me and i said "no hes not that bad" he never hit me at that point the punches came a short while later but he had pushed me, threw me across a room, held my hands under boiling water alsorts really but i still see the physical violence as mild and until he punched me i actually believed he never hit me

Yep, discussed this a bit earlier in thread, salad, and totally get what you are saying. My Ex never hit me - but he pushed, shoved, grabbed my arms, picked me up and threw me, grabbed me by the throat, dragged me by the arm. I told myself that it wasnt too bad because he hadnt punched or kicked me. How sad

Can completely relate to that mags it wasn't until the solicitor asked me to write it all down that I realised over the years what had gone on but because he didn't punch me or push me down the stairs I didn't think it was a 'big enough incident' to pack my bags and go!! How sad that there are so many of us, and this is suppose to be the most forward thinking and progressive part of the world, imagining how women fare over the rest of the world doesn't bare thinking about

So sorry for all of you who experienced sexual abuse and rape.

Not that I was at the time, but am now grateful that my ex used to withhold sex. When he was feeling romantic, his witty attempts at foreplay used to involve saying "I've got an itch". Ew.

mathanxiety my husband won't use the urinal either! He says it's because 'the gays might get him' .

Catching up on this after a few days away and I think I have another one nobody's mentioned. Abuse (either physical or verbal) to animals is a big red flag for me. He regularly shouts at our beautiful cat when she comes to him for a cuddle or pesters him for food and has pushed her roughly off the sofas before now.

At 5am this morning he screamed at her for jumping on the windowsill (sometimes she scratches the woodwork but wasn't this morning). He started banging the bed violently with his hands so I told him to get a grip and he punched me on the arm. It still hurts now.

In tears reading a lot of the previous posts. Big hugs for all.

"Sex was always really rough - he openly said he didn't enjoy it when I was turned on"

Ugh. I've semi-repressed the fact that I was meant to act enthusiastic but be "dry" instead of "wet" so he could feel the friction better. He would frequently stop to wipe off any moisture (using my clothes). I made allowances as a cultural practice, but ugh, ugh.

Nini, just saw you were punched this morning. Oh sweetheart, have you got your escape plan in motion? You can't live like this, and you don't have to.

Nini, are you OK? Why are you still with him? Have you got any plans to leave?

Ex only liked 'rough sex' (or rape), too. He made no bones about it, wasn't in the least bit ashamed. He got increasingly rough, until it became scary.

nini you deserve better!

How they treat animals? My exH would torment them in the name of 'I'm only playing' and he was banned from delivering to one property after their dog nipped his ankle and he kicked it so hard in the stomach it died the following day of internal bleeding, his story was that there was an immense battle with this dog and he lashed out to save himself, but I knew the family and the dog through another contact, and this wasn't what happened, the family were devastated! Another red flag that I failed to see

What is sadly clear from this thread is that many women 'put up' with highly unsuitable men due to their own low self-esteem issues, and the misguided belief that 'men are like that' and 'all men are the same' - I know that I certainly did. Had I paid attention to the voice inside which told me that a certain type of behaviour is undesirable, or that something my ex said early on was a massive clue to his personality, I wouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life with him.

My early (unheeded) red flags:

• argued with his mother the first time I met her.

• used the 'N' word to describe black people (he was white) - it shocked me, as I'd never heard that in normal conversation. He loved hip-hop and rap and DJ-ing, well you know that type...

• taste in music in general - described one of the albums I loved as 'violent' (Gabriel ffs!) and didn't like me playing my music, yet later on went to collect 'straight edge' and death metal CDs.

• Described a time he 'shagged a married woman at a party and nearly got beaten up by her husband.'

• Once asked, very early on, if I would be more upset if he had an affair with a man or a woman.

• Not interested in learning what pleased me in bed. Said 'we don't need foreplay, we can just get on with it'. Would get angry and say 'I know what I'm doing!' when I gently tried to guide him. :(

• There was never a spark anyway, but I had no clue about relationships - I didn't like his accent, but I thought that it was mean of me to pick and choose, after all he was one of the few people to ask me out, and I couldn't really complain about something that can't be changed. Really low self-esteem from me there.

• when we got engaged, my mother innocently asked when we were planning the wedding, he said "Ha, I'd better get my will sorted out first." She told me about this, and I brushed it off, saying he was probably joking. She did cautiously say that she thought 'boyfriends should be more supportive' I assured her he was, but she didn't try and interfere further because she thought I was so in love with him that wouldn't listen (she told me after we'd split up). I was never in love with him - I didn't tell my mother that though, as it would upset her even more. :(

btw have read most of this thread, and the stories really make me sad, the rape, the dry sex, the self-delusion when it comes to abuse - unfortunately far too many names to mention individually. It's particularly upsetting reading updates from women who are is still in the bad situation.

Thanks Nick, Mags & Susie. I'm ok, just struggling to hold things together at work today. I've not been feeling well for a few days (v. run down) so my head isn't on straight.

How sad it is that I've already started justifying his behaviour as ok in my head - since being punched on the arm isn't the same as in the face right? . This is a wonderful thread. I know he'll probably come home tonight with some lameass apology about the fact he's so stressed due to it being his busiest time of year blah blah blah.

No formal escape plan unfortunately, I'm in debt (but dealing with it) and the house is in negative equity. I am making babysteps in my head at least.

He also woke up our 1 yr old this morning by stomping around her room and then threw some clothes at me when I told him off. .

Like several of us here I picked a guy just like my father! How stereotypical is that.

Virulent racism is a red flag, in my opinion.

My Ex was black, I am white. He was very confused. He hated white people and thought white girls were all scroungers and slags, apart from the few he went out with, who were OK because he was having sex with them He also hated black women , and claimed they were all psychos and money grabbers. And he hated 'Africans' (he was from the West Indies, via America). He is married to a black American woman now and they have a child together.
God help that poor woman and child

I used to argue with him about his racist attitudes until the cow's came home, but he would always laugh at me and say I had been spoilt by growing up in privileged London (urrmmm, on a council estate in a rough area of London) and that I was a loony leftie.

I would never go out with anyone rightwing or racist again. Ever.

Why I didn't just walk out on him there and then...

Depressing.

Ha, my ex was a black African, but when I'd mentioned I'd had a previous boyfriend from a neighbouring country, he implied I was a slut. If I'd made an exception for him, that clearly made him special, but if I was That Sort of Woman, then the specialness disappeared.

Porn use has been mentioned, but attitudes towards sex industry in general hasn't, and that is a red flag, imo.

Ex wasn't into porn that I know, but he used strip clubs frequently and I am pretty sure he had used prostitutes, although he wouldn't have admitted it.

I was with him for 9 years of my late teens and early twenties, years that I will never get back and which should have been some of the most carefree of my life, which I spent ministering to a sad, insecure, controlling cock. I used to seriously think I must have done something bad in a past life to deserve it. I wanted my mum and dad to come and save me from it, but they didn?t know what was going on.
I had confided in him about how upset I had been about a teenage boy I knew calling me a slag, at first he said how terrible it was, but soon he began to call me a slag too (I was sooo far from being promiscuous in any way, not that it gave him a right to call me that if I was, but still)
It?s only recently that I have realised that he was physically abusive as well as mentally abusive, things like he threw a packet of cigarettes at me which hit me in the face, and slapped me really hard so I screamed on my bare bottom.
He followed me down the street when I was going out to meet friends, and broke the strap on my new bag, then flung the bag to the ground in contempt.
He called my two best friends slags and isolated me from them so I didn?t see them for years. All my friends were going out having a good time, and my big night out on a Friday consisted of us going round to his mum?s while she got pissed.
I was stuck in a shit job in my home town for ten years, just because I thought I was so worthless, and it was all down to him.
I was so fucking miserable for about seven years out of the nine.
He humiliated me when I offered to do a favour for a male friend who was moving house, called me a bitch and imitated what I had said in a whining voice in front of loads of people.
He prevevnted me going out by standing in the doorway with a desperate look on his face, and just physically wouldn?t let me leave.
I did get away a few times, but because he had isolated me, I had nowhere to go, I remember making a few phone calls to my friends, but not being able to speak when they answered and just putting the phone down. I just felt so worthless, and I didn?t properly understand what was going on.
Anything his mum or family gave us for the house that I didn?t like, I was called ungrateful or a snob (he had a working class background and I have a middle class background, so I wasn?t as good as his family who work, as if mine didn?t. The irony is, he was umemployed for years when I first met him).
He used to go mad while I was cooking, I was so scared because I thought he was going to thrown boiling water in my face.
He used to wake me up and start berating me in the middle of the night.
Constant pressure to have sex with him. It used to take him hours to come sometimes. He used to pester me for sex all the time, even when I was ill.
He didn?t like me being ill, and pressurised me to maintain normal service.
When I said I was going to leave, he said he would smash the house up, at first that put me off, but in the end I thought, just fucking burn it down, I don?t care anymore as long as I don?t have to be with you anymore.
Wow that was long, hope it?s of some help to someone who needs it. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

my ex use to listen to the hip hop stuff, he was racist about pretty much any ethnic background. all woman pretty much equalled slag in his book oh and he trusted me he didnt trust men who i may bump into, the only folk who i could actually spend any time with was my parents, i once stopped at my brothers for 2 nights and he thought i was sleeping with my own brother!

proc "Constant pressure to have sex with him. It used to take him hours to come sometimes. He used to pester me for sex all the time, even when I was ill" - mine did that too, he'd pester so much i'd give in, the more i pretended to enjoy it (to try and get it over with) the longer it lasted, if i tried fighting it or saying no it turned into an attack, if i shut off he'd start having a go that i was frigid.

what makes someone such a bastard?

I wish I knew
What I keep asking myself is why did it have to be me that he chose? I didn't deserve it, I was just starting my life, and he stopped it before it had begun and took away all my choices.

i actually dont think my ex picked me, i just think due to lack of life/relationship experience, i was only just 16 and just shy of 25 when i left, being 16 made me easy to manipulate but we where actually match made by friends :(.