Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Seriously mags...my horror never did anything quite so brutal and cold as that.
How do you move on from that? Are you able to compartmentalise the whole sorry affair as being nothing to do with who you are now?
Genuine ask x

x posted with that horrendous experience of yours MagsAloof.

What an utter utter animal that 'man' was. Horrific.

I've consistently said the sex was great.
You know what? It was average.
I was great, and put in huge efforts. It would have been the same sex if I was doing it with a sack of root vegetables.
But if I was too imaginative, he'd have a go as I must have shagged someone else to learn the trick
See how it all has to be about a man? I didn't!
He bum-raped me, more than once, while I was crying.
I called it rape, once, in my head, for a fleeting moment. Then I went back to imagining we had great sex :(

salad, so sorry you went through all that.

The thread is making me recall instances. It's a little traumatic at times, but it's granting clarity. My thanks to everyone posting!

sadly things would have been easier in some ways if i had just let exp get on with it sex wise. then again the few times i gave in just to shut him up i got bollocked for not making an effort. he didnt just want what i wasnt willing to give - i had to pretend to enjoy it too. makes me want to vomit it really does.

Oh, Mags :(

I did a runner from the relationship and he wasn't too bothered. I think he had started seeing other women by then. We had already broken up when he was arrested for rape. He had the cheek to phone me from the police station

He was never convicted, but I found out that the rape he had been accused of was particularly brutal. That was hard to hear . It just meant that I couldn't really run away anymore from the sort of man he was and from what he had done to me, within our relationship.

I feel very lucky to have been able to move on from the whole situation. I have a great marriage with a kind, decent man, which helps, and have had plenty of counselling.

Kind and decent.
That is very good to hear.

OMG - I've just realised there are 26 pages on this thread. Why am I surprised ?
Can't post on here as still on the fence about my DH. Page one Makes for interesting reading though, unfortunately

What still does my head right in is the fact that I was so convinced that I had virtually no right to my body and little right to say no to all the pawing and penetrating, leading me to feel repulsed and yet guilty for not giving in.

Until I came to MN that is.

No one in my life ever said out loud that my body is just that - MY body and no-one else has a given right to do things to it without my consent.

Not parents, not school, not countless discussions with girlfriends - very strange.

Blimey though, some people have it so much worse

Bibi, it's the girlfriends that mystify me the most. Maybe they're clinging desperately to the idea that any man (who isn't a known axe murderer) is better than walking out on one ... but, as, you know, friends, you'd think they could muster up a bit of indignation on your behalf, wouldn't you?

Instead, they give you advice on how to please, placate and manipulate him (all of which you've tried a thousand times) then order the round you shouldn't have and say "Men, eh? Could be worse I suppose!"

FFS, is that how low the bar is? Thank the stars for MN! Wish it had been around sooner! Much sooner ... before the interweb, in my case

i have one friend who told me i needed to be nicer to exp. the same friend who saw him kick off one night and pleaded me (with her dp) to stay at their house and not take my dc home because exp's behaviour was so aggressive. she still behaves as if the final split is just another drama queen type row.

the first time we split most people were terribly diplomatic. this time they closed ranks and told me i wasnt being unreasonable and not to take any shit from him.

luckily for me exp dug his own grave in the end with one incident he couldnt explain/lie his way out of.

Christ yes.
I know people now, who I knew then, who I now know to be in a domestic abuse situation, but who can't or won't see it.

I had my own best friend trying to talk me back to him - her own partner was an arsehole too. We used to comiserate with one another. She gave me the whole "just suck him off more often" spiel.
I could not have if I tried. I would rather have eaten a bucket of cold sick with a fork.

melody to everything

Seriously - I hated both of us Well said.

You win. Not being flippant, just in amazement and awe at what you were able to withstand.

Clearly couldn't stand you being as capable and eloquent as you seem. And would stop at nothing to make sure you knew that. NOT in charge? Wowsers

Melody, I kind of wish you hadn't posted that just as I sat down to eat!!!

I'm nicking it, though

I remember my friend asking me if I was done with my hissy fit yet?
She meant well, but I had clarity by that point.
Thanks to MN, it has to be said.

and as if it was that easy anyway. exp was always very nasty to me after sex. i think he knew i only did it to protect myself from his abuse so he punished me for that too.

i pity the next long term partner he has. he is so much worse than when i first met him and i suspect much the same if not worse than in his first marriage :-(

I know, the girlfriends, and god knows I've had some pretty tmi conversations with them in my time but yes, it always came (and still does) come back to 'men, eh' gotta give em what they 'need'

Now that I'm more sure of myself I often wade in and say straight out - you don't have to out up with that, it's really wrong.

Which earns me everything from outright anger (at me!) to 'oh, it's not so bad, he's lovely really'

And always an undercurrent of 'what does she know, single cat woman who can't get a man'

The situation where a woman seriously isn't bothered by just 'having a man, any man' still feels like an alien one to suggest.

mags and bibi. Fcuking bastards.

Forgot - Melody - what a comparison, not sure whether I wouldn't have to strap on my knee-pads one more time when faced with that bucket and fork

Put me right off my left-over from Christmas mince-pie that has :)

Sorry. I felt it illustrated my reluctance well.

Isn't it worrying how common this all is. Mumsnet is full of it. I know people living through it. It's not unusual.
What's wrong with our society that this is commonplace and even normalised?

Angel - thank you.

I suppose it does take more than the likes of me saying 'don't put up with it' for the ones still suffering to say 'you're right, I'm off to dump the twat right now'

I used to have so much of my self esteem tied up in just being in a relationship, the whole shared life built up over many years plus I believed in the fallacy that because i'd invested a lot already I couldn't just give it all up.

Will still chip away at attitudes wherever I can though

I get slated for this in some areas but know many MNers are with me in spirit ... Melody, women need to know it's wrong. That we are not less-than, that we don't have to swim in someone else's shit for our diamonds, that OUR bodies belong to US and so do our minds - which are perfectly good.

The first time anyone at all told me "You deserve better" was after my manipulative, head-fucking user of a husband had walked out (I didn't stand in his way). Why didn't she, my best friend, tell me sooner? Like, after the date when he raged at me? Or even sooner, given the red bunting was already dancing in the breeze. Perhaps the same reason that she (no longer my best friend) continues to shag other people's husbands? Because, if you can't find a good man, you may as well share someone else's?

Inadequate male partners get away with it because they always have, and because women let them. Sure, some are sociopaths but the majority get away with acting like sociopaths because they can. And all of society, despite having changed the laws that forced economic dependence, supports them. If women decided to settle only for what they deserve, I bet you'd see a hike in male respect. Sadly, women aren't respecting themselves enough right now, and we all know where that leads.

I still believe this will happen. I just wish it'd happen faster!

Oh dear, I ranted

NICE cape, Bibi