Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

I am angry that I wasted 4 yrs being taken in by this shyster on one hand.

One the other hand, I am glad I learned my lesson. I could never be taken in by an abusive man again, and if by some fluke I was, I would have the strength and savvy to get the fuck out asap.

flicka, this thread had made my mind up on the deliberate/unconscious question ... deliberate, in the case of my Twats anyway. I've worked out (finally!) that when I told them "I can stand nearly anything, as long as I know what it is ..." I thought I was saying I'm fairly laid-back but can't bear lies & deception.

What I was really doing was giving them a key.
"I can stand most things ..." = I will take abuse, indeed I'm almost expecting it.
"As long as I know about it ..." = You can fuck me up by keeping me guessing.
:(

I will not even be thinking anything like that in future!
Thanks, thread

Just thought of another one.

He was short with me, just off, one word answers and snidey little comments. I would ask him if there was something wrong. He said no and said that I just wanted to start a row. These little conversations, surprise, surprise, always ended in a massive row! Which was what he wanted all along. This happened over and over and over again. I could tell by his face that he had got the arse but he would never admit it.

It was definitely deliberate and calculated in my ex's case. He liked having power over women. He wanted a chattel - someone he competely owned and controlled and that would do his bidding - keep his house, service him sexually, hang off his arm.

He had absolutely no respect for women.

My God, the thought of it now - as a feminist, as a mother of daughters - makes me shudder

Another one of those here becky used to drive me nuts.

It was bloody obvious he wanted a row but it had to be my fault. Aaargh that one used to piss me right off

I have an endless list really as the relationship lasted over 30 years but some of them:

Lied about everything and did my head in by changing his stories constantly

Told me he loved me within a few weeks

Proposed after 2 months

Didn't 'allow' me to talk about my physically violent ex.

Bought me unwanted gifts of 'sexy' underwear and didn't care when I took them back to the shop (every time) because he enjoyed shopping for them so much - ugh.

Mocked my choice of books, TV, films, magazines as stupid & common.

Said I was 'boring' when I was too tired for sex.

I laughed when he said he believed he'd been swapped at birth as his parents were too common to be his. But then his sister told me he'd said the same to her.

Said I wasn't feminine or 'ladylike' enough - whatever that means.

Constantly criticised my physical appearance. Told me my back was 'too long' WTF?

After living so long with this type of abuse I know I never want another relationship. I've lost the ability to make friends and can't trust anyone.

I don't know what's normal any more

Oh mealie that's awful. I'm so sorry x

My goodness, I could have written so many of these posts. It's eerie how similar these men are.

Told me he loved me very early on

Wanted to have a baby pretty much straight away, I was 17 at the time, he was 28.

Lied about everything

Hated my family and friends

Told lies about my family and friends to try and drive a wedge between me and them. There was one lie in particular that he used to tell, I'm not going to say what it was because it would make me too easily identifiable, but briefly it was about some people saying something very horrible about him. He repeated that lie over and over again starring different people - why oh why did I continue to believe him?

Bought me horrible presents and expect me to be extremely grateful. I love to read and he got me some Mills and Boon - coz that's wot wimminz reed innit?

Belittled me, told me I was nothing, I was getting above my station because I wanted to go back to college and finish my A-levels.

No close friends of his own.

Controlling, vile misogynistic father, passive aggressive mother

Road rage, one time he was teaching me how to drive and he started an argument, then started screaming at me and then suddenly took the car out of gear. DD was in the car at the time.

Physically abusive but always my fault because he 'had to restrain me'.

Psycho ex who tried to control him.

Terrible personal hygiene

During sex, he would do the same things to me over and over again despite my repeatedly having told him that it was uncomfortable/hurt. Pressured me for sex after having DS, I was taking 'too long' to heal from a tear that had required stitches.

Instant adoration

Complete bombardment of text messages & phone calls

I had to call him everytime he texted to me ?call me? this was day & night

People were out to get him and he was only trying to do right by others

Lost his job through no fault of his own

Lied about having a girlfriend when we met even though I specifically asked him if he had one

Satanists had put a curse on him and we had to pray

More lies to get me to see him again in Ireland ? I was happy in London ? I had to pay airfares etc

Then complete silence

Finally truth out that he had a girlfriend, turned out he slept with her the night before I was due for a holiday. Didn?t find this out til many years later

Totally messed me up and I was on the rollercoaster for nearly 8 years

Promises made over and over and broken

Had one affair that I know of

Towards the end I truly despised him but still believed he would become enlightened ? said he would get counselling, wanted another child even though he blamed me for ending his life when had the first child. I ?put a gun to his head?

Suffered depression and back pain 2 months after we married so he was incapacitated for most of our marriage ? met and married within 10months ? big mistake

Lost several jobs ? all other peoples fault

Car accidents ? not his fault although his road rage was horrifying

Sex and affection and respect dwindled to nothing

Was always at the pub and smoking 'with his friends''

His mother was a saint and I was hopeless not being able to work, bring up child and do all housework

Spent 5 years suing other driving only to blow the payout on himself and guitars although I supported us for years.

God I thought I was a strong person but I am a mug.

Finally divorce will be granted in less than a month but I am still surrounded by the drama of him as I have 2 kids by him. My heavy burden of him in my day to day life is gone and the drama of his lifes misfortunes is gone. I am so happy now but so disheartened to learn I chose such a person to be my husband.

In fact I have to name change just to get rid of the Irish connection ? no offence to you lovely Irish ladies

Teenstrop I had 'forgotton'or suppressed that one. I had a colposcopy, and they ended up taking a bit of my cervix (small bit, where the problem was) at the same time. It suited me to have it done at the same time, as I didn't have to go back. Tremendously sore afterwards, and fwit, who later on withdrew sexually (but still used to masturbate) pressurised me for sex before I was properly healed. I put it down to insecurity at the time, but it is a common theme, sadly...

So many familiar things - here are just a few of mine:

Refusing to allow me to meet his friends then telling me they all hated me when I did and accusing me of fancying all his make friends.

Only seeing me on his terms and when he wanted to.

Ignoring me for days at a time while inferring I had done something wrong but refusing to tell me what.

Dumping me repeatedly for no reason, then calling me for sex when he was lonely.

Repeated suspicious behavior around other women, turns out he never kept his dick in his pants - the entire time.

Not allowing me to have my hair cut.

Not allowing me to learn to drive.

Not allowing my mother or sister into our house in three years.

Making me go on nights out with no underpants on as it 'turned him on' :(

Making me take a cab to the er when I was having a suspected miscarriage on mothers day and also going mental cos I wouldn't stop on the way home to buy his mother flowers.

Shouting at me because I didn't cut chicken properly?!?

Not picking me up from the airport when I came back from a holiday because he 'just knew' I would have been unfaithful to him

Smoked dope 24/7 even though I brought in almost all the money and we sometimes couldn't pay the mortgage.

Continually nagged me for anal sex then decided to just do it anyway while I was asleep and I woke in agony.

Forced me to perform os on him upstairs on a bus and in the back of a cab.

Would always make me leave in various states of undress in the middle of the night with no money, forcing me to walk to a friends house for help and totally shame myself.

God, I don't think I can go on, just suffice to say I'm glad I only lasted seven years with him!!

This thread is giving me chills. I'm definitely going to buy the Lundy book for my adorable teenage niece. My first abusive relationship was at 16 and set the pattern for later relationships.

I'm remembering more: I came home after having my appendix out, and was shouted at - I think I didn't realise what a toll my operation had taken on him. He stomped off to the pub and left me alone and in pain - that was the week before our wedding. Reader, I married him. :(

Thought my family were chavvy scum and to be tolerated with bad grace, whereas his family (and culture) were hugely superior.

Tick, tick, tick. It's spooky how many of these things I can relate to.

The stupid thing is I still sometimes have doubts about whether he was abusive or not but when I read everyone else's experiences I can see him so clearly.

I'd forgotten about the illness thing. When he was ill or stressed or needy (so just all the time then) he wanted my unconditional never ending support

But if I was ill or upset he would get cross or ignore me. After having panic attacks for the first time in my life (soon after we were married - I wonder why!) I was really scared and asked for his support - he was furious and created a huge argument which left me confused and feeling totally alone. Later on of course this episode was rewritten as him looking after me and helping me to get better.

When I hadn't known him long he told me a story about one of his exes and how she came to visit him and got flu so ended up staying longer than intended and he had to look after her. I never could understand why it seemed such a big deal to him

I think the gaslighting is definitely the worst bit - even though I can look back and see what he was doing I still doubt myself.

What is of most concern is why any of us would put up with any of this appalling behaviour.
There is a link with early abusive behaviour in the family, I believe. You absorb it unconsciously when you are very young, so it is familiar and you are attracted to that kind of person without knowing why. I do think there is something in this, which is why you really need to work out why you are having relationships with people who don't treat you properly, and move on from it...

I used to lie in bed breastfeeding DD as a newborn, while he lay behind me thrusting at me as if he was trying for anal sex. Because of the angle, he couldn't have got it in, but it was just bizarre, as if he couldn't bear to having to share my body. Funny how they don't show that in all the soft-focus pictures of mothers feeding their children.

His brother said 'good luck with him' when I was pregnant with DD1. Seemed sincere aswell. At the time he was still being Mr Perfect and I wondered WTF his brother meant.... Turned out ex bullied him contantly for years.
Oh yes Porn. My ex used it every day towards the end of our relationship. 'Working' from home. He implied it was my fault for giving him no sex!
He took explicit photos of me which I deleted before the end of the relationship. He texted me a year later saying that he had found them - truth or lies who knows but he did have back-up on his computer. Apparently he did something similar to his current gf during a brief split... this time he used her email password to get into her account and sent photos of her with text from her to various people. Lovely. And she was about to have their baby. Poor woman has taken him back.....

Avoiding meeting my family at all costs.
Only wanting to go on dates to a cinema right out of town or to 'watch DVDs' i.e. have sex in his flat - obviously he had a serious girlfriend and I was just his bit on the side, and he was avoiding the possibility of us being seen -- but I was too dim to work this out at the time.
Fucked me like I was a piece of meat, but he was the first person I'd had sex with, thought it was normal. I told him sex was hurting, and he just carried on. I lay ther not knowing what to do.
Had pictures of semi-naked page 3 girls in his flat.
I hinted that I might love him five months into our relationship and he laughed at me, completely incredulous. 'Next you'll be telling me you LOVE me? Oh God, haha'. This long, humiliating laugh. I left in tears, but luckily it was the beginning of the end.

In short, I was a bloody idiot not to have broken up with him sooner.

Mealie I'm so sorry to hear that. What a fucktwat. You are still in there you know - your self-esteem is just buried under layers of his shitty behaviour. Talk to a counsellor. I promise you it helps.

All these recurring themes - instant declarations of love - taking pleasure in your upsets, only caring about what you can do for him - control control control.

Another one - the floodgates have been opened!

He hated my body hair and would gently 'remind' me to get a bikini and leg wax. When I pointed out that it was midwinter and the only person to see my ladychuff was him - and he winced at the idea of having his bollocks waxed he said: 'I know it's not fair but it's just the way I am.'

He would point out that I was gaining weight - I am a size 10 - then look sad and say: 'At least I notice.'

If I wore something he didn't like he would look pained and when I asked him what the matter was he would say: 'Nothing' so of course I would keep asking. Eventually he would sigh and say: 'I think you're a bit old for that skirt'. (It was a knee length pencil skirt). Later on I got wise to his passive aggressive bullshit and when he said: 'Nothing' I would say, 'Ok' and carry on so he would up the sighing and huffing to such a point that he was practically hyperventilating.

If I tried to talk to him about a problem he would shout: 'Oh it's always my fault' and storm out.

Frizzbonce - God, yes to the shouting 'It's always my fault' when trying to have a conversation he didn't want to have or more often 'Just because you're so perfect'.

All this stuff I'd forgotten. Sigh.

Nickname I find the mental imagery of your last post really disturbing :(. What the hell was he thinking???

More come to mind:

The only females he knew were wives/girlfriends of his male mates. They were the only females he said anything positive about too.

Broke up with me 5-6 times within a year. After the first 2 breakups, I would call and say "We need to discuss this". He would simply ignore those calls, and sulk.

I swore to myself after the last breakup that this was it, and I wasn't taking him back. He calls 3 weeks later and asks me out to dinner, as if nothing had happened, which I ignore. Twelve months later, he's leaving messages for me saying "Can we talk about this?" Too late mate, that ship sailed long ago!

Oh, and how spooky is this: Three months into our relationship, I bought him a few books for his birthday, as he loved to read. One of the books was about one woman's experiences with female genital mutation, and how she escaped her oppressively patriarchal society. I asked him shortly after if he has started reading this book, and he said "No, I found the subject too disturbing". Wish I had delved deeper into why he thought it disturbing, but of course he would have lied and made something up. Looking back, he didn't think of himself as an abuser, and would have been uncomfortable reading the book as it would have been like looking into a mirror for him.

malinkey yes - by shouting, 'it's always my fault isn't it' or 'because you're so perfect.' (often followed by 'Remember that time ten years ago on 14th December when I specifically asked you to get semi-skimmed milk and you got FULL FAT!' - he was brilliant at writing down all my sins in blood and then recalling them when we were arguing about something totally unrelated!) But by the shouty response they get to avoid the real issue at hand, shout at you and make you feel bad.

Twat.

One more. I came back from hospital after giving birth to DS, having suffered a massive haemorrage, and he starts moaning about how 'tired' he is from having to get up at night and feed the baby. When I point out that I've been on a drip in hospital he reminds me that I've had 'a nice rest.'

I can't believe I felt bad about that.

'a nice rest' - arf!

That's reminded me of a similar one too. How could I have forgotten all this? In hospital after having DS, severely anaemic and waiting for a blood transfusion, ex was about to go home so I told him I needed to go to the toilet and he told me that as he was there I'd be better off feeding DS (can't for the life of me remember his reasoning) - so I instead sat down and tried to feed DS before bleeding heavily and nearly fainting and having to be rescued by a midwife, who cleaned me up and put me to bed then got ex busy washing and changing DS, which no way on earth he'd have voluntarily done.

This story was later relayed by him as him having to do all the looking after of DS in hospital because I was 'out of it'. Sometimes accompanied by an evil glare at me. Like I'd been on heroin or something. And that's probably the last time he changed his nappy til he was about 6 months.

Wanker.

Frizzbonce - my ex, after we'd been split up about 6 months, announced he had some things he wanted to tell me and came round to my flat to read out a letter he had written which basically listed all my faults and all the reasons why I was a bad person and he'd had to end the relationship.

It included details of presents I had bought him which were inadequate compared to the things he had bought/planned/done for me, or compared to presents other people had bought for him.

He said he needed to get all this off his chest in order to move on from the relationship, and I sat there and took it meekly, as I thought I deserved to be punished for all the bad things I'd done to him. I now don't understand why I didn't just throw him out of the flat...

marshmallow - was he 5?!

Another one here who can tick 30 odd years of boxes - gaslighting DV the lot :(
But ... I can remember the very first red flag I paid no attention to - back then (yes you've guessed it) 30 odd years ago.
We were kids on the beach hanging out with his (obviously) friends, and when we go to get an ice-cream, FWH says 'You'd better not have one - as ice-cream will make you fatter.
Apart from just how twattish a thing that is to say to a 20 something girl surrounded by young women whom I did not know well, all in bikinis (and you always thing other girls are prettier than you are at that age), I weighed less than 8 stone and wore a size 10