Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

My absolute favourite bit, and what, I suppose summed him up, was when I finished it.

We'd had a big row on teh phone (I'd moved out to be nearer work; he would follow when he got a job, AHem) and it had ended. I felt relief. H then drove to my flat to see if I'd reconsider.

I didn't; I was free.

He had a tantrum, slammed the door into my cooker so hard it broke the knobs off (which landlord took off the deposit), then left.

Thirty seconds later the intercom buzzed: "Can you lend me £20 for petrol? After all, it's your fault I drove here." [speechless]

Very first red flag was ex talking politely to a shop assistant when he was unhappy about something, then looking bashful and saying 'I didn't get angry, I wanted to but wouldn't want you to see me getting angry with him' or something similar.

Many years and many angry shouting scenes later, and having witnessed numerous incidents of him 'bumping' into people on busy streets and leaving them floundering in his wake so that he could get cross with them, I should have listened to him.

Thanks for the sympathy, SoSad! I didn't find it upsetting at the time - I was already learning to minimize his behaviour.

marshmallowpies

"my ex, after we'd been split up about 6 months, announced he had some things he wanted to tell me and came round to my flat to read out a letter he had written which basically listed all my faults and all the reasons why I was a bad person and he'd had to end the relationship.

It included details of presents I had bought him which were inadequate compared to the things he had bought/planned/done for me, or compared to presents other people had bought for him."

You are Well. Rid.

Ok here goes;

• telling me that he didn't want me to join a gym
• telling me off for reading the Daily Mail ( ha ha I know it's shite but I only read the You supplement FFS!). I was livid btw. Telling me what paper to read what a tit.
• realising he was downing the best part of a bottle of plonk while cooking dinner and then drinking another bottle at dinner (every night)
• having a massive strop when I suggested a healthy picnic over a pub (boozy) lunch
• his film collection consisted of only x-files/csi and was on VHS tapes

What a loser and what was I thinking? Luckily got shot of him after a short while, subject to changing all my numbers.

Oh and once at one of his booze fests (dinners) he actually came out with 'why do I feel the need to control you'. Well at least he was a self-aware twunt.

I feel so sad reading this thread

LilBlondePessimist, some of what you said made my blood run cold. Well into the relationship, when there had already been every red flag going and the abuse had started in earnest, Ex also used to force me into oral sex. Sometimes when friends were in the house he would call me in to another room and force me to do it. He also had an obsession with having it done in public places. Grim.

But what really rang a bell was this:

'Would always make me leave in various states of undress in the middle of the night with no money, forcing me to walk to a friends house for help and totally shame myself'.

Every so often he would start a huge row in the middle of the night, then pick me up (usually in underwear; bear in mind he was 6'6 and weighed 18 stone, while I was a very slim size 8) and throw me out of the door into the corridor of the flats he lived in (we lived there together for a while, too). He would then eventually throw my clothes and bag out after me, when I had sat in my bra and knickers on a stone floor for long enough , then double lock the door and go back to bed . This was one of the most humiliating things he did to me. I don't know why I ever let him get away with it more than once. The guy upstairs from him was a crack dealer - a seriously nasty, violent, moral-less man, even Ex was a bit intimidated by him - and I remember even he said to me one time, after coming up the stairs at about 3am (probably from selling drugs to kids or some other lovely pursuit) to find me sitting in my nightie on the floor outside Ex's door 'Ive seen men treat their dogs better than he treats you. Why are you with him?'. He even offered me cab fare home, but I declined. How much lower could I have sunk?

Wow. Reading that back I make myself sound like a pathetic shadow of a person. Cannot believe that was me

Struggling to read most of this, it's like I'm having a conversation about my husband!

Nothing to add that hasn't been said already really, but another story about the shocking treatment after giving birth that others have mentioned. When DD was born last year I stayed in hospital for 3 nights as she had jaundice. I was struggling to feed her and she wouldn't sleep so neither did I.

On Day 3 (I think) he came in for visiting hours, I was sat uncomfortably on a chair in my room trying to feed DD. All he said when he came in was how tired he was, then got into my bed and went to sleep. . I was sat still trying to feed DD when a midwife came in - when she saw him fast asleep she looked murderous, shook him awake and berated him for sleeping while I was obviously struggling with sleep dep/feeding problems etc etc. When she left he called her a bitch.

Not sure what this adds to the conversation but it came to me today while reading this and it's stuck with me now!

magsaloof, it's actually a heart wrenching thread, which is reminding me of things I had long since forgotten. I think being ejected in the early hours in a state of undress is so upsetting because it is just so humiliating. I used to feel glad if I had managed to grab a t-shirt, and eventually got to the point of never wearing any less as he used to engineer the arguments to after sex when he had me at my most vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if he treated the next poor fool as badly as he did me, and then I think probably not, because who else would be stupid enough to let him. Seems I'm maybe not as stupid as I thought I was when I read of everyone else's horrific and all too similar experiences (although at least he very rarely physically hit me - funny how I always said that if he really beat me, that would be the final straw)

Actually, just remembered something which although trivial, also humiliated me and started early on - he used to make oinky grunty pig noises whenever I ate - even in front of friends . I was a size 8.

LilBlonde, I always said that about the 'beating', too .

Although he bruised me and hurt me regularly by pushing, shoving, grabbing my arm etc - he never 'hit' me, which made it 'not so bad' in my warped world at that time.

I wish mine had actually hit me like he threatened to do - then I would have left him rather than put up with it for 16 years.

Lilblonde mine used to be a bit weird after sex. Used to make him a bit 'aggressive' in a non-specific way...as if it triggered something hormonally. Well strange. I used to think he was arsey when he didn't have enough sex, but when he did, he was arsey in a different way.
Also once, when drunk, I told him of some sexual abuse over a long period of time by a family member. It was never referred to it, as if it was just the drunken ramblings of a mad woman. Not so drunk that I couldn't remember telling him about it. Very strange indeed.

Declaring love within days (I was 'The One'!!)
Talking about settling down and having kids within weeks
Stealing from work/restaurants (e.g. jugs pepper mills)
Gifting aforementioned stolen items from work (snow shovels etc) to neighbours and friends and acting like the great benefactor
Road Rage
Lying lying lying!!!
His Ex was a liar ... (projection anyone??)
Saying 'To be honest'and 'trust me' all the time ...
Hidden Porn (belonged to a friend though )
No real friends - tags along with brother's pals
sneaky and evasive
Trying to have sex with me while I was sleeping and pretending that he was asleep
Ran down everyone - my friends, his family, my family and then said that he didn't like the way I spoke about people!??
Always wanted me to decide what to do and then criticised it and glaslighted me by making out he was the one who made all the decisions about what to do!!
Any meals made by me were examined as he looked at the contents of the fork and asked questions like 'did you remember to put curry powder in it?' (Yes - it is curry you tosser!!)

About 5 years ago I decided he was my penance for mistreating my first husband .. It makes me sad that I was willing to put up with all this shit .. and it took him having an affair for me to kick him out

Some of these are blowing my mind, and I agree that young women should know these sorts of things / wish I had known them when younger.

I think the biggest mistake I ever made was to stay with a man who was really alternative, beyond when I realised he was dangerous too, because I wanted to explore his scene basically. But at the end I just felt tainted by him and I never include him in my roundup of boyfriends now.

He -
Told me he loved me really quickly like so many others here.
Told me that people HE knew did things spontaneously, so if I wanted to be one of them I should do this too. This meant rent my newly bought first ever flat, half decorated, and go and live with him in his shed, with his son, and get a job down there and run their house and not go to the music events there or do the yoga or anything.
He used to shout at me and use tactics to make me feel bad, like be monosylabic when I went out and rang him to say hi.
He also pulled my top open and exposed my bra, saying that people could see in this sort of top, look!
He kept saying 'Are you going to sleep with the builders when they come??' 'Are you picking up men on the internet? That's your pattern isn't it?' because we met thro a forum.

I refused to commit to him, and would listen to this shit and then let him leave and then ring him up and say it was over. But then go down for the weekend in two weeks time, saying it was friends and having a blinding time, and then next time he would do something that was a clear no no, I would rinse and repeat. This went on until I realised that every time I saw him I just felt bad and I had no peace in my heart about what I was doing.

Anyway. I don't think about him often. The sex was good all the way thro tho.

not the ejecting in underwear but starting rows on nights out and stranding me so he could lock me out. i never left without keys for 4 years!

wanking in bed next to me loudly as a punsihment for me refsuing sex.

the passive agressive sulking thing all the bloody time

subtly eroding my friendships even if he could only find the tiniest thing to criticise about them.

threatening exes i was in contact with. now we have split i have a list of people to contact and apologise to for his rantings.

trying to cause conflict between my mum and i - nice try!!! my fab mum is a serious dv survivor and spotted his tactics a mile off :)

undermining my parenting decisions based on nothing to make me feel bad

encouraged me to tell him all about thingsw i had done at work so he could criticise my decisions - because he's qualified to do that - not! ranting at me if i told him he was wrong

being totally unable to let a disagreement drop nd escalating it in to a row whatever the debate was from the falklands to the price of bread.

Declared love almost immediately, proposed to me within 4 months. Not romantic, ridiculous. I wouldn't accept if I knew then what I know now :(

Great thread.

I am very lucky that I have an excellent in built twat detector, but I so wish all women did. This thread should be printed and handed out to all female high school girls.

Had I read this at 15 I would not be where I am now 12 years down the line. But I am out and building a better future.

Agree - this should be handed out!

Pillar if I had read it, I wouldn't have believed it applied to MY dh. Denial aint a river in Egypt, honey...

Actually, good point! It took years of pointing out the behaviour in this thread for me to realise....

Years of other people pointing it out that is...

Thank you MyDogShitsShoes and Frizzbonce for your comments.

This is both a very sad and at the same time a great, cathartic thread.

I am very pleased to say that I received my decree absolute today.

Freedom Mealie you can pilot your own rocket now.

We do need to talk to young people. Put this link on Facebook.