Affair with teacher 20 years ago - too late to complain?

[Berts]

Not sure if this should be here or in Ethical Dilemmas really. I have namechanged.

20 years ago I had a relationship with a teacher at school. When it started, he was 35 and I was (almost) 16. We were together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married, but I couldn't tell my (hugely religious) parents and I was massively bullied at school when it leaked out, as these things inevitably do. We first became friends when I was fourteen, when I stole a knife from his classroom to try to kill myself, so he knew I had problems in myself and at home. It was totally messed up.

Now, in my mid-thirties myself, I can see how totally wrong the whole thing was. I am angry at this guy for being such an emotionally immature fuckwit. I mean, really, who in their right mind hears a 16 year old child promise to love them forever and thinks that's a promise they can take to the bank!

However, here's my real problem: a couple of years after I left school, I found out through a friend whose husband (a former student at school with us) had gone back to work at the school, that a lot of the teachers knew about the affair while I was still at school. And they did... nothing.

This includes teachers who I had confided in about problems I was having at home who knew that I had a chaotic homelife and was self-harming. They saw what was happening with this guy and just did nothing at all. Not one person so much as took me aside for a quiet word or tried to find out what was really going on. Many of those teachers are still working there now.

I'm in two minds: part of me wants to leave it alone as it was such a horrible part of my life, so destructive, I don't want to revisit. But another part of me is so angry that these 'responsible adults' saw me in harms' way and just thought 'meh'. I think their attitude was that I was slutty and therefore it was my fault (actually, I was a virgin, acting out by dressing slutty).

I don't want the stress of pursuing a formal complaint, but I'm tempted to contact the current vice-principal, who I hear through contacts is a good guy (and unconnected with these past events) and have an off the record chat about the issues with the school's pastoral care.

Is it worth it?

Cheers - so your friends wife is now just 26, had no normal adolesence, dating experiences, or any other boyfriend the whole of her life. And he is 45. Tell you what, come back in another 5 years and tell me they are still happily married and I'll give you a thousand quid.

There are always some people who will defend a man no matter what they do, as long as it isn't illegal. Even a vulnerable, suicidal 16 year old girl is expected to behave more responsibly than a man. It's the kind of society we live in unfortunately.

When I was 14/15 I was infatuated with a young teacher probably mid 20's I had a hellish homelife that no-one knew about but you know what he was a a professional and didn't take advantage of a young obviously mixed up girl when I look back I really wasn't in a good place in fact I was like it with a few of the male teachers.

Bluepetticoat, your comments are outrageous.

A teacher having a relationship with ANY pupil of ANY age is inapproriate and unprofessional. But having a sexual relationship with a girl of 15 is illegal and, in my opinion, makes him a dangerous man. He preyed on a vulnerable teeange girl, a self-harmer, a girl with a troubled background. he is scum.

I hppe to God your daughters dont ever get taken advantage of by a man in a position of authority.

Bluepetticoat- with all due respect you don't know what you're talking about.

OP did state that they were "friends" for two years before the relationship began making her 13 or 14. This was a man in his thirties. He knew what he was doing. Perhaps her parents were entirely unaware. Mine were too.

Teachers, now and twenty years ago, KNOW that this is wrong. We are reminded constantly of the boundaries that exist between teacher and pupil. And she is still troubled by it now. This was not a normal relationship. He was not a "good" man offering support- that is not how good teachers offer support. Teachers who do this are egotistical and manipulative. Perhaps there are exceptions that prove the rule and couples who end up married etc but in my experience of this it is a very troubled teacher who treats their classes as a potential dating pool. She may well have entered into the relationship willingly but that is hardly the point. Lambs to the slaughter springs to mind.

Whilst I am sure that you don't mean to be offensive you are belittling the experiences of people like OP and myself who have really struggled with being abused in this way, many years after the event.

Also I am not engaging in a witch hunt- far from it. I am suggesting OP deals with the issues and doesn't go to the law. I do however think this man does sound dangerous.

The under/ over 16 aspect is irrelevant. He had a duty of care as did the other teachers. OP was failed massively.

A friend had a similar relationship over the similar time span 14-17. When it was discovered she left the school and he remained.

Fast forward less than 10 years and I was teaching. Any male teacher who made a so much as a dubious comment about a female pupil would have been torn to pieces by the other staff. If anything was suspected he would have been out of the door very very quickly with police and social services involvement. There was an enormous sea change in the late 80s- early 90s.

OP you definitely need to talk this through with someone. I'm very concerned about the tone of some of the posts here. The law was changed to reflect a recognition that a person in a position of trust should not abuse that.

I don't know why you're calling it a "witch hunt" Bluepetticoat. It's not like we're in a mob, baying for blood, are we? We're trying to support the OP and understand what is going on with her. You seem very concerned about the teacher, I can't understand why, unless you know him or something.

dictionary my history in education goes back further than yours so stop telling me I don't know what I am talking about.

I don't know who said it but statutary rape isn't under 16 but 13 I have all the legal information on this.

Bluecoat, she was vulnerable. Her teacher was without question the one in ' the position of power', and to suggest otherwise is pretty unpleasant.

Hope you are OK OP.

The ignorance and witch hunting here is appalling.

I've said my bit and hope the op comes back to clarify.

You are defending him BP - you're saying you know other relationships that were ok, what he did wasn't illegal, the OP could have stopped it, she mustn't talk to the school, she must "accept it and move on" - all of that is in favour of the teacher, not the OP.

I am not a teacher but I work in a position of responsibility with vulnerable young people.

I would be horrified if I heard of 'an affair' between a member of staff and a young person. It is abuse. No other word for it. Abuse of power, abuse of position. A sackable offence and these days, you would be put on the Sex Offenders register and never work with children again. And rightly so.

mags so what would you say about the 2 couples who dated when I was at school and are happily married? Were those teachers dangerous?

If he had not been a teacher a person of authority in a trusted profession it would of been completely different teachers have been prosecuted for having relationships with 17 and 18 year old students it is illegal.

Some people don't know what they're talking about, I find.

I had a relationship with my teacher which started - or the grooming started - when I was 11. Here's the thing: it was never a sexual relationship. It took me to well into my 30s before I was fully over that relationship (actually, I'm still not fully): I was utterly seduced. I had to have extensive counselling and I dread to think the damage if it had been a sexual relationship. In the 6th form he threw me over for another (younger) girl, whose father had just died. A predator, basically.

Which is what this appalling abuser was to you OP. You were a child at 16 (don't listen to the tripe some posters are peddling) and a vulnerable child, clearly - you appeared on his radar because you wanted to use a knife you'd stolen from his classroom to kill yourself.

I agree that the staff knowing about it and doing nothing is appalling and reprehensible and they should be held accountable. Do you have evidence of your relationship? Unfortunately, I destroyed everything (evidence) in a bid to get him out of my head and heart (didn't work). You will need evidence if you take it to court. I do understand that initiating a legal recourse takes immense courage but if I could get that shit on the sex offenders register I would be happy.

These relationships are extremely damaging and unless you've been there or are a medical/legal expert you won't know that. He wasn't a 'kind man' ffs, he saw a very vulnerable child and used her/us for his own ends.

Mine was my music teacher so I go along with the piano falling on head idea. I have no doubt whatsoever that he's still doing to other pupils what he did to me (and my replacement). He's still teaching

Ignorance? Pot. Kettle.

He broke the law, professional ethics and the rues of is school, I'm pretty sure. He also acted immorally. It seems clear cut to me

Why are there rape/.abuse defenders on these threads? Depressing.

OP, I hope whatever course of action you take, you can find the right thing to do for your own sanity and wellbeing.

Those teachers weren't necessarily dangerous BP, they just had poor judgement to start dating a student while the student was still at school. The teacher has authority over the student and as such it can't be an equal relationship. It would also be a very difficult situation if they broke up, possibly disrupting the child's education. The older person should have the sense to know the pitfalls and hold back until there is no power conflict. If they are really serious they will do that.

Do you have daughters BP?

This happened to me and I've had a few friends that this also happened to. I know it's hard for people to remember, but it really WASN'T that shocking 20 years ago. Samantha Fox's 15 year old breasts were published in newspapers and the Police say "Don't Stand So Close To Me" and everyone thought it was romantic.

I've had counselling about this and it's really helped me to move on. I would really recommend it.

I agree bighouse that there was a time when men could take advantage of women in whatever way they liked as long as they were over the age of consent. That included rape in marriage. Thankfully things have changed, although clearly some people still have the attitude that an adult in a responsible position, looking after a child's education is entitled to a relationship with that child no matter what the consequences.

BP

I don't think experience makes a difference. Whether you have been in education for 1 year, 40 years or never worked in the sector at all that doesn't mean you should defend him. What he did was indefensiable.

I am genuinely at a loss to see how anyone could think what he did wasn't wrong. And well said CailinDana "poor judgement" is bang right. They all have poor judgement- some are more dangerous than others- but anyone in a position of authority with kids who is doing this is an at best very stupid and at worst very troubled.

And for anyone who's saying 16 year olds aren't kids- blimey, have you met many 16 year olds lately?