Affair with teacher 20 years ago - too late to complain?

[Berts]

Not sure if this should be here or in Ethical Dilemmas really. I have namechanged.

20 years ago I had a relationship with a teacher at school. When it started, he was 35 and I was (almost) 16. We were together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married, but I couldn't tell my (hugely religious) parents and I was massively bullied at school when it leaked out, as these things inevitably do. We first became friends when I was fourteen, when I stole a knife from his classroom to try to kill myself, so he knew I had problems in myself and at home. It was totally messed up.

Now, in my mid-thirties myself, I can see how totally wrong the whole thing was. I am angry at this guy for being such an emotionally immature fuckwit. I mean, really, who in their right mind hears a 16 year old child promise to love them forever and thinks that's a promise they can take to the bank!

However, here's my real problem: a couple of years after I left school, I found out through a friend whose husband (a former student at school with us) had gone back to work at the school, that a lot of the teachers knew about the affair while I was still at school. And they did... nothing.

This includes teachers who I had confided in about problems I was having at home who knew that I had a chaotic homelife and was self-harming. They saw what was happening with this guy and just did nothing at all. Not one person so much as took me aside for a quiet word or tried to find out what was really going on. Many of those teachers are still working there now.

I'm in two minds: part of me wants to leave it alone as it was such a horrible part of my life, so destructive, I don't want to revisit. But another part of me is so angry that these 'responsible adults' saw me in harms' way and just thought 'meh'. I think their attitude was that I was slutty and therefore it was my fault (actually, I was a virgin, acting out by dressing slutty).

I don't want the stress of pursuing a formal complaint, but I'm tempted to contact the current vice-principal, who I hear through contacts is a good guy (and unconnected with these past events) and have an off the record chat about the issues with the school's pastoral care.

Is it worth it?

Hiya, didn't want to read and run. I've no experience of any of these issues, but it sounds like you've come to a realisation, perhaps due to being in a better place? I think you need to do what you can to put this behind you, whether it be talking to the school or perhaps counselling?

If you think he is a danger, yes.

If not, would suggest you work on any unresolved issues first and find the best way to seek closure for yourself before thinking about bringing it up now.

isn't what he did illegal? surely he should be sacked. If he's done it before, whats to stop him doing it again.

Is he still working there? If not, do you know where he is working?

It's never too late to complain, but I would think carefully before you decide to go ahead and possibly take action to out this sleaze, or talk to anyone in authority. It is possible that the Principal will feel an obligation, within his professional capacity, to alert the police as this man is very likely to still be teaching.

I would consider what it is you wish to gain from this. What is fuelling your anger? Is it more that you feel no one cared (people you were supposed to trust) or gave a damn about your exploitation, or that he took advantage of your vulnerability?

Where is your life now? Are you relatively happy with where you are now? Or are you unhappy and looking to the past a source of your prevailing unhappiness.

In other words are you blaming what happened in the past for where you are now? If so, do you think taking this action will bring you peace of mind, or are there other issues that occurred before this unfortunate experience with the Teacher that are contributing to your anger and unhappiness?

Or is it everything. You need to address these questions first, I think as once you say anything, there is a possibility of the train running away with you and you must be prepared for that eventuality.

The sleaze would deserve all he gets though.

Berts, what you experienced was abuse and that guy could be prosecuted for what he did. Is he still working at that school? The teachers who knew about it should be totally ashamed of themselves.

Hang on, I may be wrong but I'm not sure it was illegal 20 years ago. As long as you were over the age of consent, it would have been 'okay'.

For all you know the other teachers may have voiced their disapproval but been powerless to stop it.

I hope I'm wrong.

There has been a similar situation locally to me very recently - the teacher involved is currently in prison.

I am so sorry about what happened but suspect if you talk to the headmaster now he'll have to ensure its dealt with officially.

I know that now there is a separate offence covering teachers who have 'relatioships' with pupils who are 16-18 but not sure it works retrospectively although if you were involved before you were 16 - then that is another offence.

Hopefully somebody with a better idea of the law will be along soon.

I'm pretty sure it is illegal. If it isn't, it should at least be grounds for him to be dismissed and barred from working in schools.

I wouldn't talk to the current Headteacher, I'd talk to the police.

Did you leave the school at age 16 or was your relationship with your teacher ongoing throughout the sixth form, and when did you become engaged to him?

Given that it appears that you are not prepared to make a formal complaint or involve the police in this matter, what would you hope to achieve by contacting the vice-principal of the school at this late date for an 'off the record' chat?

I think you should speak to soneone, more incase he's still teaching as he may well be doing all this again with another child/vulnerable young person. This could be the police or perhaps CAB who can possibly advise you in confidence what is likely to happen if you decide to talk to someone about what happened. I fear if you contact the school directly you will either be dissapoibted when the suggestion of 'no evidence' arrives in a letter from the schools lawer Or when the police are called by that member of staff you spoke to (which would certainly be the correct thing for that person to do since the other teachers who knew about it are still teaching there). It sounds to me like you should do something, just incase he is still working with children somewhere. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do x

Your post gave me goosebumps. Your story is very very similar to mine, even down to the ages, the home life, the denial. I was manipulated into not seeing what happened as abuse for many years. when I had my daughter I couldn't cope with it any more. I went to the police, it all went to court. Historical cases of sexual abuse happen every day. He got a suspended sentence and is on the sex offenders register. It was a very difficult road, but it was the right one for me. You will know, and trust your own instinct. Look after you. I got brilliant free counselling from rape crisis - don't be put off by the name, google it. And read The Courage to Heal. Please let me know if I can help.

Oh dear, I do so hope this thead is not going to get carried away by erroneous beliefs about the law.

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 made it an offence for teachers to have sex with any pupil at their school who is below the age of 18 even if the pupil is above the age of sexual consent which is currently16 years.

Waves to tall who is right in that 20 years ago no teacher would have committed a criminal offence by having a sexual relationship with a pupil who was over the age of 16.

In saying that you started a relationship with this teacher when you were 'almost 16' are you implying that you had sex with him before you attained the age of sexual sex consent?

I think you need to think very carefully about what you want to achieve before you proceed. Do you think he should be held to account for his actions? Because if so you need to follow a different path perhaps than if you yourself need some support in working this through. I assume this was a sexual relationship. Do you feel you were coerced in to this?

Is anyone else really shocked that the teachers were talking about it long after the OP left the school? And nobody did anything about it?

To the person who said it might not have been illegal; it's only 20 years ago - I can't recall any law making it illegal in that time, can you? Also, she was under 16 when she first started the relationship.

It seems to me that before anyone rushes to make judgement, it's important to establish the facts IB.

We don't know that teachers who have remained in post at the OP's former school are 'talking about it' 20 years after the event. It's possible that those teachers who may have known of the OP's affair with one of their now ex-colleagues simply responded to a question, or questions, from her friend's husband.

It may also have been that their knowledge of the 'affair' came about through the announcement of the OP's engagement to their now ex-colleague and that it was this remarkable event that caused their relataionship to stick in their minds.

Umm I didn't jump to conclusions and did point out that I didn't think the law could be applied retrospectively.

The OP mentioned the relationship began before she was 16 - hence I thought there may be an offence.

Its a horrid thing to have happened but agree that you do need to think about what you want the outcome to be.

Berts you say your 'real problem' with all this is that you've found out that some teachers knew about it and did nothing?

If that is your real problem then forget it and move on. You have no idea what they did and said at the time.

I suggest that your real problem is something more current and you are trawling your past for something to blame it on?

izzy, the OP says, "a couple of years after I left school, I found out through a friend whose husband (a former student at school with us) had gone back to work at the school, that a lot of the teachers knew about the affair while I was still at school. And they did... nothing."

I don't imagine they're talking about it now, but the fact they were then is awful. I just feel so sorry for the OP, having a reputation she didn't deserve, being unable to talk to her parents, self harming and then going into a relationship with someone whose job it was to look after her.

Berts, I'm in education myself. What he did was wrong - 20 yrs ago it may not have been criminally wrong (thanks Izzyizin) but it was definitely morally wrong. This guy was in a position of trust and perving after young teenage girls. If he's still teaching, he probably is still perving dirtyfuckingtosser and THAT would be the deal breaker for me. I have an 15 and a half year old daughter. He could be at HER school.
This needs reporting IMO.

I think Izzy may know more than me about the legalities than me, but for a prosecution to be successful it would need to be proved beyond reasonable doubt that you had sex with him before you were sixteen. CPS might think it was unlikely they could prove this without corroboration but you may have evidence such as letters which would help them.
If he is working at the same school you could complain to the Head, but again evidence would be required for disciplinary action to be successful. That would be balance of probabilities though which is less onorous. I'm not saying don't make a complaint, but I am saying make sure there is evidence.

I was in a really similar position; at 16 I was persued by and ended up having a four and a half year relationship with my teacher who was 14 yrs older than me. Like yourself me and he had been ?friends? for some years prior to the affair beginning. When you say you two were friends though, what actually happened is that you were being groomed.

Much like your experience, mine was metal. Like you say what 30 + year old believes the declarations of love from a 16 year old? You do have every right to be angry as what happened WAS abuse, you were groomed and you were then abused. And what happened to you is illegal. The law changed once and for all on what was previously a ?grey area? in 2003. I was some years into my own affair, meaning that even if a student was over the age of consent when it happened if the "adult" had a duty of care then it is illegal. I believe this is the case in retrospect also. You would need to look into it, but I think it would be fair to say that no school, head or teaching body in the land would look at this case and think he sounded employable once they knew the facts.

I also understand your anger at the other adults in the school. Our situations sound similar- I was considered a bit slutty and therefore perhaps less of a victim (I too was a virgin who was acting out). This is completely unprofessional though and as a teacher now myself I know I would never think to blame the kid. That isn?t your failing though- it isn?t because of how you acted that the adults who had a duty of care to you reacted in this way- it is because of their own prejudices and also because if your abuser was anything like mine he was a bloody smooth criminal and probably manipulated them just like he manipulated you.

All this said I think you need to consider who this would help if you did complain. I imagine that your anger trigger has been the same as mine- I reached the age he was when the whole thing started and thought ?bloody hell. I am now the age he was when he started trying it one with me and I?m not grooming kids!? I became very depressed and wanted ?justice seen to?- I knew he was still teaching. I did contact the police and a female officer guided me through the law and how things stood. She said that what he did was illegal and that I could complain.

This was 10+ years after it happened and so she asked me to consider what would happen if I went ahead and tried to get him prosecuted. I don?t know what happened to you when it ended but I had a nervous breakdown and it was 4 or 5 years before I felt normal again and had normal relationships. She talked me through the danger of dredging that up for my mental health. She also warned me of the low rate of prosecutions for these cases after the event, as well as the difficulty of obtaining solid proof. She also warned me that the defence can get pretty dirty- I had had a student job writing erotic stories in the holidays from uni and she said that was exactly the kind of thing that would get dredged up and I?d be painted as a sexy school girl luring my teacher in. She didn?t tell me NOT to do it, she just warned me in very honest, experienced terms what she had seen with her own eyes. She agreed entirely that he was a scum bag who deserved never to teach again and possibly a taste of prison food. I appreciated her candid approach.

I went away and considered it and decided not to do it. And I know all the arguments: he is still out there teaching and will do it to some other girl etc. And I know that, and I feel guilty about that, very guilty. But he ruined so much of my life- not just the 5 years he was actively having sex with me, but the two or three years of adolescent turmoil before the affair began and the 5 years after. He stole 13 odd years from me! I didn?t have the strength to fight him again- and in a legal setting where there was every chance that I would lose and end up publically vilified. What I decided to do instead, on the advise of the police officer, was to get in contact with The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (www.napac.org.uk/) and get some conselling and to work out how I felt about the abuse now.

The worst thing was admitting that I had loved him and that he had abused that love. And coming to terms with the fact that I was let down by adults who should have looked out for me. But it became clear then that I was getting help for me and not acting out (just as I had been as a troubled teen) to get revenge on him.

Secretly I still hope for that revenge, of course. I just hope it comes in the shape of a piano falling on his head.

Please feel free to PM me or get in touch, Berts. I know all too well what you?re going through and what a fucking horrible feeling it is.

Looks like a few of us have been fucked over by teachers

I don't believe in guardian angels but thank god I got out of that one before I got in too deep.

OP, you weren't so lucky. Glad you're getting some support here. Unmny hugs to all of you.

I am suddenly very pissed off with all those teachers (and others in authority that we looked up to. GRRRRR)

You're right IB and I thank you for pointing out that I made the erroneous assumuption that OP's friend's husband had only recently returned to working at her old school.

Before making any further response I will wait until OP comes back and clarifies whether the relationship she began with her teacher when she was 'almost 16' was sexual before she attained the age of consent.

I'm very sorry to read of your experience dd but I'm of the opinion that the police officer who advised you acted entirely in your best interests as the chances of a successful prosecution in such cases are slim unless, of course, the accused has previously or subsequently behaved in an appropriate manner with other pupils or similar complaints have been made against him/her.