Affair with teacher 20 years ago - too late to complain?

[Berts]

Not sure if this should be here or in Ethical Dilemmas really. I have namechanged.

20 years ago I had a relationship with a teacher at school. When it started, he was 35 and I was (almost) 16. We were together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married, but I couldn't tell my (hugely religious) parents and I was massively bullied at school when it leaked out, as these things inevitably do. We first became friends when I was fourteen, when I stole a knife from his classroom to try to kill myself, so he knew I had problems in myself and at home. It was totally messed up.

Now, in my mid-thirties myself, I can see how totally wrong the whole thing was. I am angry at this guy for being such an emotionally immature fuckwit. I mean, really, who in their right mind hears a 16 year old child promise to love them forever and thinks that's a promise they can take to the bank!

However, here's my real problem: a couple of years after I left school, I found out through a friend whose husband (a former student at school with us) had gone back to work at the school, that a lot of the teachers knew about the affair while I was still at school. And they did... nothing.

This includes teachers who I had confided in about problems I was having at home who knew that I had a chaotic homelife and was self-harming. They saw what was happening with this guy and just did nothing at all. Not one person so much as took me aside for a quiet word or tried to find out what was really going on. Many of those teachers are still working there now.

I'm in two minds: part of me wants to leave it alone as it was such a horrible part of my life, so destructive, I don't want to revisit. But another part of me is so angry that these 'responsible adults' saw me in harms' way and just thought 'meh'. I think their attitude was that I was slutty and therefore it was my fault (actually, I was a virgin, acting out by dressing slutty).

I don't want the stress of pursuing a formal complaint, but I'm tempted to contact the current vice-principal, who I hear through contacts is a good guy (and unconnected with these past events) and have an off the record chat about the issues with the school's pastoral care.

Is it worth it?

Bluepetticoat, the OP stated that it was a "horrible part" of her life. Clearly this wasn't a normal relationship, it was a case of a person in a position of trust taking advantage of a much younger person. Would you be ok with the same thing happening to your children?

Telling someone who has been badly hurt by someone, so badly in fact that it still affects her 20 years on, to "accept it and move on" is extremely nasty. The OP is looking for support, not for someone to say "Oh well it happened to people I knew, and they're ok, so why aren't you?"

Bluepetticoat, your posts are coming across quite negatively. I don't know if you intend that. The OP has made it pretty clear that she is very upset by what happened. Just because you know people who dated their teachers and it worked out ok doesn't mean the OP must feel the same.

That's an awful thing to have happened to you, its a betrayal of trust and your teacher and his colleagues should feel ashamed of themselves. Do you feel that you're now strong enough to deal with this? I think any talk with the head would, quite rightly, lead to official action.

It didn't matter how you dressed. You were vulnerable child, and this man used his position as a teacher to take advantage of that vulnerability.

No- I am not being negative. I am being analytical rather than jumping onto the paedophile bandwagon.

I am asking the questions that any lawyer would ask if this went further.

Think on that.

Bluepetticoat - your comments are appalling.

No my comments are not appalling. I am just not agreeing with the emotional outburts and relying on half facts to come ot a conclusion. there is one other poster asking similar questions.

Some of you need to start asking questions of the Op not jumping to conclusions without using your heads.

The post isn't about the man Bluepetticoat, it's about the OP. She didn't come on here to be grilled by a lawyer, she came on here for support. You're implying that she's lying. I don't know why she would.

This is a genuine question - why are you focused on protecting the teacher rather than supporting the OP?

Vulnerable teenager of UNDER SIXTEEN vs adult in position of responsibility? ...Let me think...

Nah, looks clear-cut to me and anybody sane or moral.

Almost 16 is a child. Anyone under 18 is a child.

No matter what the ages were, the OP made it clear that she was obviously unwell, struggling at home, and that the staff of the school knew about it. They knew she was going out with a much older man, which is any situation is a worrying sign. They should have at least asked her what was going on. They didn't. They let her down very badly. The fact that the older man was a teacher in the school just makes it that much worse. He was in a position of authority over a very obviously vulnerable girl.

Bluepetticoat you view on the world is rather odd IMO. Would you be ok with your own daughter being in this situation - self-harming, suicidal, and seeing her 35 year old teacher at the age of 16?

Bluepetticoat your words are doing a lot of harm. I don't think you necessarily mean them to but please stop. Hope to God that your children are never in the position that they need you to be strong in this kind of case.

Under 16 is legally a child.
A teacher is in a position of trust and responsibility that has been abused.
Sexual abuse with a teacher causes as much long term damage as incest.
Abuse thrives in a culture of denial and it is attitudes like yours that heap guilt and shame onto the victim rather than the abuser, it stops people talking about it and getting the help they need.

You maybe won't see this, and lucky for you that you have obviously never been damaged in this way, but you are compounding the harm that is done to others.

Well said ThatllDoPig.

Bluepetticoat you claim you'll support the OP if she answers your questions (how good of you!) but you've already told her to "accept it and move on." My own mother told me the same thing. That's why I don't consider her my mother any more.

Actually, I think you probably just need to work this through with a counsellor on your own. What he did was deeply unethical, yes, and you've just come to the revelation that it was damaging and hurtful to you.

But back then, it wasn't illegal for a person in a position of authority to have sex with someone over 16, which you were for most of the time you were together, and 4.5 years is quite a long time. If it was the year you turned 16, plenty of the teachers would have thought you actually were 16.

Absolutely a horrible thing to have happen to you, but I think counselling rather than prosecution would have a healthier outcome for you.

(And obviously, if he had sex with you under the age of 16 that was statutory rape of a minor; I don't want to downplay the awfulness of this.)

You might have a point bluepetticoat , if we were talking about a 17 or 18 year old here - putting aside the morally dubious aspect of it. As the facts stand, this girl was 15.

I will assume you're a parent. Is this what you would want for your 15 year old daughter?

Bluepetticoat, although the relationship was not illegal at the time it has since been made AN OFFENSE UNDER THE LAW. This should very clearly indicate that society has deemed such relationships to be de facto abuse.

Until relatively recently there was no such offense as rape within marriage. Should we therefore say that if a woman was raped by her husband in 1960 she wasn't ACTUALLY raped and should "get over it" but if it happened in 1990 she was raped and deserves support / legal redress?

IMO a 35 year old man should never, ever, under ANY circumstances be even considering entering into a relationship with a 16 year old. The fact that he was in a position of responsibility, had a duty of care and the girl in question was emotionally vulnerable makes his behaviour even more morally repugnant.

Putting it another way, how would you view your SON if at 35 he brought home a 16 year old girlfriend?

Well, wrong or not fricken, I always wonder about 30 plus year old men in relationships with 16 year olds. It's just not... healthy. You're at different life stages for a start.