Concerned Hubbie, sorry it's long

[Andy1964]

I don?t often post on here but I would like your opinion on something that has been praying on my mind for a few months now.

DW got in contact with a very old ex on Facebook sometime ago. I know about it, It?s not a secret and I don?t have a problem with her being friends with anyone on Facebook.

For the record, they were teenagers at the time.

DW had lost contact with a lot of her old school friends a long time ago while she was in a previous relationship her partner at the time was very jealous and controlling.

DW started chatting to him on Facebook chat a few months ago, she would chat to him while I was at work, most of the time she would tell me that she had been in contact so it was no secret.

Last Wednesday however she spent a whole evening chatting to him.

I?m ashamed to admit this made me feel threatened and jealous, I told her this is how I felt and that I was jealous that they could share so many fond memories and that obviously I can?t be part of that.

It got a little heated, not an argument and she told me that she never thought I would be like this and that she would understand if it was her jealous and controlling ex.

DW took it quite bad, I had upset her. I bloody hate doing that. I don?t want to stop her being friends, I just thought it was a bit much that she spent an entire evening chatting to an ex on Facebook.

Then on Friday she spent until 11:00pm chatting to him.
Fridays have been traditionally our night after a week at work it?s nice to be able to sit and chill out on the sofa.
I had said to her earlier that we might like to take the opportunity for some hot lovemaking earlier and she was not against this, quite the opposite.
She continued to chat to him though.
I went to get a shower and when I came back in nothing but my bathrobe she continued chatting to him.
She even took her phone upstairs so that she could use her phone to continue chatting to him while she showered.

She chatted to him on Saturday night for a little while and then on Sunday she was chatting to him again all morning while I was ironing downstairs.

DW had made me feel quite uncomfortable earlier on in the week about bringing up the issue of her chatting to him all night but I felt that I really needed to talk to her about it again as I thought that it was getting a little excessive.

I couldn?t help it I had to bring the subject up again. As far as I remember these are my exact words
?Babe, can I ask you something without you taking the wrong way??
?Can I ask you to knock that on the head tonight so I can have some of your attention?
Referring to her chatting on Facebook.

It did not go well, she got upset again. She bought up my past (I?ve been no angel online but I have always been faithful. We have dealt with my past, I?ve changed my ?habbits?)

I don?t know what to think. I trust her implicitly, she is open and honest about it all with me, she does not try to hide it.
I am, however concerned with two things.

1. The amount of time she spends chatting to him
2. Some of the things they are saying to eachother

Here are some examples of the messages they are exchanging

They were talking about the film Dirty Dancing
He said ? ?I always think of you when I see that film?

They were talking about the film Grease
She said ? ?You were always my Danny Zuko?

She was talking about one of her ex?s
?You should have been my knight in shining Armour?

When she took her phone up as she showered prior to making love with me
She said ? ?Just getting in a shower now?
And when she got out of the shower ? ?Moisturising now?

There are other comments that I cant recall too. Is this appropriate?

I?m at a loss as to what to think, I?ve tried talking to her but I just goes all wrong.

I trust her implicitly

Your whole post indicates that you don't, actually. Which is entirely your right. But you are edgy about her contacting this man = you do not trust that it is innocent, or that it will remain so.

?Babe, can I ask you something without you taking the wrong way??

She can take your comments any way she likes. It's her choice. Be direct about what you mean to tell her. You are perfectly entitled to say: "I am not comfortable with your Facebook chats with Old Flame. I do not like their length, the fact that they are eating into our time together, the content, or, frankly, the fact that they are happening at all."

She, in turn, is perfectly entitled to react with denial, anger, etc. if she so chooses.

What do you want to happen?
How are you prepared to react if what you want is not forthcoming?

Dirty Dancing and Grease stuff, all sounds a bit immature. Talking to him every day over the W/E iffy in my book. Maybe she's trying to make you jealous? Its hard to know whats going on from the outside. It really depends alot on whether you both feel your relationship is good "on the inside", thats really the issue.

It's not appropriate to have online chats going on that are excluding a partner to the extent you describe. Flirty messages aren't particularly appropriate either. However, it all seems fairly innocent stuff to date and, of course, it could just fizzle out when the novelty wears off. Reading between the lines she could be using the chatting sessions as stimulation... maybe her life is a bit boring and she's enjoying being someone's femme fatale? If I could make a suggestion, it would be to raise your game by organising more romantic activities than a Friday night on the sofa.

hi Andy, what your wife is doing wouldn't be acceptable to me...it is dodgy, and disrespectful

What Anyfucker said, with bells on.

What AF also stated.

I would read up on emotional affairs and both of you need to work on your marriage. She seems to be conducting an emotional affair with this man and such are very damaging.

I would be mortified if dh was doing this with another woman. And I know he would be the same with me. It would be a signal something was desperately wrong.

I know others don't agree but we would never have each others exes on facebook. Its a receipe for disaster. All our exes are blocked. To be honest, I'm not a fan of facebook full stop.

Good luck.

Her behaviour is unacceptable.

It is just possible that there are issues about your past behaviour that are unresolved in her head, and make her feel justified.

However, it still isnt on.

I was going to ask andy more about him "not being an angel" online in the past, but it doesn't justify his wife's behaviour now

Her behaviour is unacceptable and disrespectful in my view.

I agree with anyfucker

"moisturising now"?!

No, this is utterly out of order. I appreciate your dilemma but I had a mad, controlling ex myself. It doesn't give me carte blanche to flirt with other men with DH having to put up with it for fear of being told he's just like him.

Which is what you need to tell her. The normal rules of relationships apply. How would she feel if you were doing this?

You are right to be annoyed I think. One evening chatting is fair enough but doing it on three separate occasion, especially when you had already asked if you could spend time together is really taking the piss. Plus, the fact that she got upset and defensive when you challenged her about it is not a good sign. You should be able to say to your partner that you're not happy about something and have a sensible discussion about it without it getting heated and without the partner using your past against you. It's almost as if she is justifying her bad behaviour now by referring to your past bad behaviour. That's childish and unacceptable.

I think you need to sit down with her and have a proper calm talk about it. If she gets het up and angry tell her you will come back and talk again when she's calmed down. Don't let her derail the discussion by getting upset.

If she refers to your past, all you need to say is "We're not talking about that at the moment, we can talk about that later if you like. We're dealing with this problem right now."

I agree with AF.
she's having too much contact with this guy - contact in itself is fine, but she's chatting away to him when she should be spending time with you, on your "date night"

and telling him about showering etc? teenage girls do that.
and during a shower? that's just wrong.

you need to talk her about it.

My DH's ex had an affair with an old flame via the internet. It lead to their divorce after starting in a similar way to this.

Your DW is being unfair to you. Talking to an ex partner while excluding your current partner is crossing a boundary for most people. Perhaps she hasn't understood how hurtful this must feel. Would she stop if you asked her to? Is she just being thoughtless or is she actually stupid enough to believe she's doing nothing wrong?

I would not be happy. AF is right, she usually is.

You've been no angel online in the past - do you think it really has been dealt with properly? Could she still have issues with it - and so is justifying current behaviour to herself with "well, Andy did X and Y"?

Thank you for all of your comments.
FWIW and without going into incredible detail my past includes a thing with sex chat rooms.
It was a difficult time a couple of years ago, we have both come through it and come thought it a stronger couple. I was an arse!

Since then I have changed because it was hurting our relationship and because what I was doing was wrong and decitful. It's something that I deeply regret.

You may doubt me but we have a strong relationship with eachother, we are really good.

I think it is more an issue of the amount of time spent chatting and that she may be being a bit naive about what she is posting.

I have not spoken to her about the content of the conversation and I don't really want to bring it up.
TBH I'm not even worried about the content as I trust her.
In the back of my mind I know she will never let it get any further than friends and I will not stand in the way of that. To do so would be wrong.

I'm more concerned with what his intentions or expectations are.

If you trust her then his intentions don't matter.

she might still feel bitter about it.

but it's important to keep in mind that two wrongs don't make a right

you both need to have a huge discussion about this. maybe something in her is using your past as an "excuse" ?

CailinDana

Very true, but I don't want her to be upset if he makes a move or the friendship is not what she expected.

Don't get me wrong, and I'm probably sending out mixed messages here but I'm happy for her to be friends with him.

She is a SAH Mum and has few friends

Agree with Cailin. If you trust her, then all the men in town could have "intentions and expectations" towards her and it shouldn't matter.
But I think if my dh was doing this with old friend, I wouldn't like it and would worry that they were getting too close.

Would she be happy if you were spending a similar amount of time in the evenings talking to an ex?

I don't think my past has anything to do with her developing an old friendship.
She just bought the subject up on Sunday when I was trying to talk to her about chatting to him.

Just remembered another message

He said - "You were my first love I will always remember that"
She said - "Awww you will make me cry"

I think I'm reading too much into it