Concerned Hubbie, sorry it's long

[Andy1964]

I don?t often post on here but I would like your opinion on something that has been praying on my mind for a few months now.

DW got in contact with a very old ex on Facebook sometime ago. I know about it, It?s not a secret and I don?t have a problem with her being friends with anyone on Facebook.

For the record, they were teenagers at the time.

DW had lost contact with a lot of her old school friends a long time ago while she was in a previous relationship her partner at the time was very jealous and controlling.

DW started chatting to him on Facebook chat a few months ago, she would chat to him while I was at work, most of the time she would tell me that she had been in contact so it was no secret.

Last Wednesday however she spent a whole evening chatting to him.

I?m ashamed to admit this made me feel threatened and jealous, I told her this is how I felt and that I was jealous that they could share so many fond memories and that obviously I can?t be part of that.

It got a little heated, not an argument and she told me that she never thought I would be like this and that she would understand if it was her jealous and controlling ex.

DW took it quite bad, I had upset her. I bloody hate doing that. I don?t want to stop her being friends, I just thought it was a bit much that she spent an entire evening chatting to an ex on Facebook.

Then on Friday she spent until 11:00pm chatting to him.
Fridays have been traditionally our night after a week at work it?s nice to be able to sit and chill out on the sofa.
I had said to her earlier that we might like to take the opportunity for some hot lovemaking earlier and she was not against this, quite the opposite.
She continued to chat to him though.
I went to get a shower and when I came back in nothing but my bathrobe she continued chatting to him.
She even took her phone upstairs so that she could use her phone to continue chatting to him while she showered.

She chatted to him on Saturday night for a little while and then on Sunday she was chatting to him again all morning while I was ironing downstairs.

DW had made me feel quite uncomfortable earlier on in the week about bringing up the issue of her chatting to him all night but I felt that I really needed to talk to her about it again as I thought that it was getting a little excessive.

I couldn?t help it I had to bring the subject up again. As far as I remember these are my exact words
?Babe, can I ask you something without you taking the wrong way??
?Can I ask you to knock that on the head tonight so I can have some of your attention?
Referring to her chatting on Facebook.

It did not go well, she got upset again. She bought up my past (I?ve been no angel online but I have always been faithful. We have dealt with my past, I?ve changed my ?habbits?)

I don?t know what to think. I trust her implicitly, she is open and honest about it all with me, she does not try to hide it.
I am, however concerned with two things.

1. The amount of time she spends chatting to him
2. Some of the things they are saying to eachother

Here are some examples of the messages they are exchanging

They were talking about the film Dirty Dancing
He said ? ?I always think of you when I see that film?

They were talking about the film Grease
She said ? ?You were always my Danny Zuko?

She was talking about one of her ex?s
?You should have been my knight in shining Armour?

When she took her phone up as she showered prior to making love with me
She said ? ?Just getting in a shower now?
And when she got out of the shower ? ?Moisturising now?

There are other comments that I cant recall too. Is this appropriate?

I?m at a loss as to what to think, I?ve tried talking to her but I just goes all wrong.

I said to how would it look if I was chatting to an ex.
She said that she saw my point.
I also asked her if she thought she was spending too much time chatting, she agreed but then sent him a message

She said - "words with hubby"
He said - "good or bad"
She said - "bad, I dont agree with what he is saying"

that's not right.
she should not be entering into discussion with an ex about that she was his first love! especially not with a comment that sounds like she's still emotionally attached!

and she doesn't agree with what you're saying?
that's not the point - you're upset by her actions, she should at least consider that before sweeping it away!

Not good if she is sharing her disagreement with you, with him.

and if she's saying she agrees, or understands, then tells the bloke she doesn't!

Agree with AF, fiventhree, etc. Your DW's behavior is at best inappropriate, and at worst, disrespectful.

From what you have said it sounds as if she is trying to wind you up, or if that isn't her game, then she is behaving in a thoughtless and rather arrogant manner and has no self awareness whatsoever!

Trouble is that she is NONE of the following things: -
Thoughtless
Arrogant
Inconsiderate

If my husband was spending so much time chatting to an old flame - I would hate it. It would upset me. Particularly if they were preferring to do that than spend any time with me. It is hurtful and if a bloke responded to a woman's concerns or attempts to express their feelings about it by getting angry and shutting down the conversation - I can guess what they'd be called! Certainly the words "emotional affair" would be being thrown around.

It's no different because it happens to be a woman doing it to a man. Her behaviour is unfair.

If my husband texted some other lady that he'd just got out of the shower when I was waiting in the bedroom for some Saturday night fun, I'm afraid I would pick up the phone and throw it! I know this is not a mature reaction, but your pseudo-calm in the face of considerable provocation is not very natural either. It IS thoughtless and inconsiderate to keep up this level of intimate texts, in this inappropriate context.

My guess is she's loving the attention and trying to get back at you, but has the 'get out of jail free' card of you knowing all about it. I would not be making polite suggestions myself, you seem unable to assert yourself that this is completely inappropriate and I don't know why. I am all for male/female friendships, but this is flirting, in your face, in your intimate settings, late at night. I wouldn't stand for it for a second (and neither would my husband think it was ok.)

Sounds very much like she is getting a bit carried away with it all. Maybe feeling flattered and having her ego stroked - which is nice, but not at your expense. Porbably pretty pleased to have a new friends, an instant one at that, without all the hassle of having to get to know someone new.

Nevertheless, she needs to put the brakes on a bit, wake up to where this could potentially head, consider your feelings above his.

Does he live local to you?

You do seem to have been giving her mixed messages though, if you were that upset and annoyed with her, surely you wouldn't have wanted to have sex?

She must have taken the fact that the two of you had sex as a green light, thinking it couldn't have bothered you that much, I suspect.

Neither myself nor my DH would be happy if either one of us was acting like your wife, it's totally inappropriate, especially giving him information about you and your relationship.

Yeah he is local, same town.

I did'nt want to have sex that night, It put me off and I struggled.

I spoke about this too on Sunday.

My bet is that the sex chat room thing has damaged your relationship more deeply than you realise. I doubt she's been able to put that behind her to be honest. Completely anyway. I would bet this flirtation with the old flame is partly due to anger stemming from that in an attempt to hurt you (albeit on an unconcious level perhaps) and also that she feels emotionally detached from you following that episode. Thereby opening the gateway for another, who she once felt fondly for. It reminds her of happier times.

I think it's a little worrying he's local. I don't mean to be blunt but I think you are kidding yourself if you're saying your just worried about HIS intentions. She's a grown woman. Trust me if she wasn't interested in him flirting with her 2etc then she would quite simply tell him to get lost. She's enjoying the emotional affair - because that's what it is. The problem is where does it go from here- which is probably the question she's asking herself at the moment.

I think we can safely say that he is certainly NO friend of your marriage, but she is lapping up attention that perhaps she felt is lacking from her life.

He has no right to come on so strong and tbh, she is being very naive at best in allowing this kind of conversation to go on. I think your 'no angel' phase probably HAS done more damage than either of you think. She is getting attention, her inner voice says this isn't right you know, she justifies it by saying well Andy1964 did it... and worse...

I agree that if she weren't revelling in this, she wouldn't give him the time of day.

The exchange where she talks about words with hubby, bad and not agreeing... bad sign, as she's siding with HIM.

the shower stuff too is way over the line.

There is a book called Not Just Friends (I think) Shirley Glass is the author. It may be of help here.

Otherwise i am not sure what to suggest, you have a right to feel upset by all this, and I am sure you have a right to express your dissatisfaction at the seeming lack of respect toward you and your family.

BTW... How do you get to see so many of her messages? Do you have easy access to her phone, does she leave it lying about or have you got some way of accessing it without physically holding the phone?

I also think it's worrying that he is local. She is already acting inapproriately with him, oversharing, prioritising him over your relationship.

No-one really knows apart from her what she is getting out of this, but be very sure she is getting something out of it.

It's a small step to meeting in the park for 'old time's sake' (maybe with the kids for a couple of times to keep it feeling innocent), then on to a coffee just for the two of them ........

I'm not sure how you can get her to understand the potential of this threat here, if she refuses to.

Have you heard of the Shirley Glass book "Not just friends"? Lots of posters recommend it on this site. Might be worth getting hold of a copy and reading it together?

Sorry, crossed posts with HoudiniHissy, re the book recommendation!!

Just to add though, if you google the author's name, there is a site with some interesting stuff on it.

Agree with AF, it's too full on and inappropriate. Yes, she's probably excited that she's in touch with an old friend. But taking the phone out of the room to talk and being so full on is wrong.

Ask her how she would feel if you were to do the same,

I'm sorry, I could never disrespect my dp and spend hours talking to an ex all night! You have the patience of a bloody saint!

"moisturising now"

She needs a kick up the arse...

Lorks! Totally inappropriate behaviour for someone married or living with someone in committed relationship. Big red flag IMHO. Totally, totally inappropriate.

Just wondering how you have seen all the messages too.

Doesn't change my view of what she's doing and I very much agree with loonybun that I don't think your marriage is as happy as you think it is.

But just wondering.

I can't really add anything else to what the others have said really.
I think the comment regarding expecting criticism from her controlling ex was low tbh, you appear to have been quite easy going with it all until it started to get a bit out if hand.
I'd be quite narked if my dh had spent a considerable amount of weekend time chatting to an ex, and as for the moisturising comment
I'm pretty laid back and not the jealous type, but she is out of line. I hope you can work things out though.

I agree with those who have said that this man is no friend of the marriage.

However I wouldn't go in heavy handed about it.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if this is an unintentional retalliation for your previous sex chat room experiences. You may think its all done and dusted and forgotten but if that happened in my marriage it would be a long long time ( probably never) before I could totally forgive something like that. The fact you can read the messages and she is telling you what she is doing means in her mind she hasn't fully twigged where this could be heading - but it is very dangerous behaviour.

Keep telling her you love her. Try to woo her - i.e. something a bit more romantic than appearing in the living room in your dressing gown because its woo hoo time. Ask her if she is happy in the marriage, perhaps you need relationship counselling.

I am pretty laid back and fairly conservative in my views.

The comments most of you have posted DO NOT describe my wife. That's not a critisism by the way. More to point out that she is and always has been a loving, considerate and thoughtful partner.

I totally take on board what you have all said about my past. My wife is not vindictive and would not consiously try to get her own back.

And for those of you that are curious, I can see all of the messages she has sent on her facebook profile, she leaves it open.

I think I will leave it for now. It's her birthday tomorrow and I don't want to spoil her day.

I'm happy for her and trust her to manage the friendship but if I feel I need to step in again and comment I will probably start by bringing up my past again, at least then that issue is out in the open.
I've got a nasty feeling if I need to bring it up again I am going to have to mention some of the content though.
She does not know I read her messages.

You sound like a doormat, "I bloody hate upsetting her"

Stand up for yourself, seriously.

Andy love, if your wife were being a "loving, considerate and thoughtful partner" she would not be taking a phone with her to the shower and describing rubbing moisturiser into her body...

The words with hubby exchange IS inconsiderate. She is prioritising this bloke over your feelings. That is as clear as day.

We none of us said that she is being overtly or deliberately vindictive, but something is giving her the justification to carry this on, WAY past the appropriate/inappropriate barrier.

Just because you made a mistake a while ago and you seemingly have learned from it, and I would have hoped worked to rebuild the trust you lost there, then you have every right to bring it up again to suggest that you know what is right and wrong and that this feels wrong to you.

so she is not making ANY attempt to hide this level of conversation from you? She is doing this totally out in the open? She is prioritising him (good/bad words exchange) she is being intimate (shower exchanges) she is allowing him to totally and utterly monopolise her time, day in and day out, leaving you to one side? You've spoken about this and she still isn't covering her tracks, reducing or modifying her behaviour in any way?

She was talking to him, showering, and moisturising knowing that she was supposed to be preparing for sex with you? so he gets the warm up, you get he RL action? that is just EW!

I think either this EA has gone further than emotional, or it's about to. She has no regard for anyone other than herself and this guy does she? The leaving her FB logged in so you can see it smacks of wanting to be discovered, or of contempt actually.

OK so tomorrow she has a birthday... not a significant one is it by any chance?

If you feel able to muster the effort to do so., spoil her rotten, see what HE/SHE are up to, but then you need a serious sit down chat mate. This situation can't go on.