Concerned Hubbie, sorry it's long

[Andy1964]

I don?t often post on here but I would like your opinion on something that has been praying on my mind for a few months now.

DW got in contact with a very old ex on Facebook sometime ago. I know about it, It?s not a secret and I don?t have a problem with her being friends with anyone on Facebook.

For the record, they were teenagers at the time.

DW had lost contact with a lot of her old school friends a long time ago while she was in a previous relationship her partner at the time was very jealous and controlling.

DW started chatting to him on Facebook chat a few months ago, she would chat to him while I was at work, most of the time she would tell me that she had been in contact so it was no secret.

Last Wednesday however she spent a whole evening chatting to him.

I?m ashamed to admit this made me feel threatened and jealous, I told her this is how I felt and that I was jealous that they could share so many fond memories and that obviously I can?t be part of that.

It got a little heated, not an argument and she told me that she never thought I would be like this and that she would understand if it was her jealous and controlling ex.

DW took it quite bad, I had upset her. I bloody hate doing that. I don?t want to stop her being friends, I just thought it was a bit much that she spent an entire evening chatting to an ex on Facebook.

Then on Friday she spent until 11:00pm chatting to him.
Fridays have been traditionally our night after a week at work it?s nice to be able to sit and chill out on the sofa.
I had said to her earlier that we might like to take the opportunity for some hot lovemaking earlier and she was not against this, quite the opposite.
She continued to chat to him though.
I went to get a shower and when I came back in nothing but my bathrobe she continued chatting to him.
She even took her phone upstairs so that she could use her phone to continue chatting to him while she showered.

She chatted to him on Saturday night for a little while and then on Sunday she was chatting to him again all morning while I was ironing downstairs.

DW had made me feel quite uncomfortable earlier on in the week about bringing up the issue of her chatting to him all night but I felt that I really needed to talk to her about it again as I thought that it was getting a little excessive.

I couldn?t help it I had to bring the subject up again. As far as I remember these are my exact words
?Babe, can I ask you something without you taking the wrong way??
?Can I ask you to knock that on the head tonight so I can have some of your attention?
Referring to her chatting on Facebook.

It did not go well, she got upset again. She bought up my past (I?ve been no angel online but I have always been faithful. We have dealt with my past, I?ve changed my ?habbits?)

I don?t know what to think. I trust her implicitly, she is open and honest about it all with me, she does not try to hide it.
I am, however concerned with two things.

1. The amount of time she spends chatting to him
2. Some of the things they are saying to eachother

Here are some examples of the messages they are exchanging

They were talking about the film Dirty Dancing
He said ? ?I always think of you when I see that film?

They were talking about the film Grease
She said ? ?You were always my Danny Zuko?

She was talking about one of her ex?s
?You should have been my knight in shining Armour?

When she took her phone up as she showered prior to making love with me
She said ? ?Just getting in a shower now?
And when she got out of the shower ? ?Moisturising now?

There are other comments that I cant recall too. Is this appropriate?

I?m at a loss as to what to think, I?ve tried talking to her but I just goes all wrong.

how you doing, Andy ?

Hi all, we all went out yesterday as it was DW birthday DC and In-Laws too.
We spent the day at Thorpe Park and had great fun.

Alot of this is all still sinking in, and I'm sure the issue will be raised with DW in the near future. I need to choose my moment though as DC always seem to want our attention when we are having a 'serious discussion'

I suspect that she contacted him yesterday using facebook on her phone although I have not seen any evidence of this. If this is the case I will be even more annoyed with her sharing a 'special family' day with him.

Thank you for all of your comments, I will be sure to keep you posted.

Thank you again

How about when the kids go to bed?

I don't think she has gotten over your "past" tbh. I think whilst men move on and shove things like this to the back of their minds and think everything is honky dory, women tend to mull these things over for months, years and never quite let go.
I would guess that she , although seeming fine and "over it" isn't and sees this as the perfect opportunity to "pay you back" make you jealous, and experience some of what she has experienced, well she has suceeded hasn't she?.

I think you need to tell her that she is hurting you, and that you are resentful of the amount of time she is spending on Facebook.

Hi Andy I hope you are doing ok

AF is totally right as usual.

During my marriage I slipped into an emotional affair without even realising, I really didnt see how it was over taking the important things in my life nor realised it was an emotional affair. I was extremely naive having only really had my relationship with my husband and I was hurting from the realisation he had been physically unfaithful previously.
This Ea was the making of me though, I eventually realised what was happening and decided to work at my home life - ultimately it failed but hopefully if you work at it when she realises you will both get where you want to be

if she was spending that amount of time chatting on FB to an old FEMALE friend I'd still be pissed off if I were you.

You need to get the DC sorted and then switch off the wi-fi sit her down for a gentle chat about this.

If a bloke with an agenda is pursuing her, it'll be hard to give up that attention, especially given their history. She may not think she's doing anything wrong, that it's only a bit of fun, but perhaps without her noticing, it's gone too far.

I'd say that you have to tackle this, you have a right to say something, and you have a duty to your marriage/family to bring this subject up as it's something that is understandably bothering you. If you don't deal with it, it will fester. The worst case scenario is pretty bad.

Once you have tackled this, some counselling might be of help going forward.

There are a lot of threads on here where the woman says, I cheated once, a few years ago, he's now treating me like shit/controlling/abusing me, but I deserve it cos I was unfaithful. What tends to be said to her is this.

You made a mistake, you atoned for that , HE forgave you at the time. If he has a problem with it, he has to deal with that problem. he either forgives and forgets or he leaves. He has no right to make you suffer, regardless.

You may have to consider that may be a sub-conscious payback dynamic going on, take it into account, but given that you apparently all decided to move past it and you apparently have not relapsed into that kind of stupidity, then there is no leg for her to stand on if this is a revenge thing.

The options are

Forgive and forget,

Deal with it

or Leave.

She is free to choose. As are you.

Well, good news is that she did not seem to contact him yesterday while we were enjoying ourselves at Thorpe Park.
DW did, however seem to be a little bit 'edgy' on occasion even though we all had a really good day. Either a) I'm being overly analytical or b) It was a tiring day. I'm not going to read anything into it though.

The more I think about this the more I believe it is DW being naive and because of my past I'm reading more into things than I should. At the end of the day I know my wife.

I will continue to keep an eye on what is going on and what is being said but if she is being naive then I need to advise her on what is appropriate and what is not.
I need to explain to her, from my past experience how I would have taken those messages had I recieved them.
"Showering now" - Mmm she is stripping naked while sending me a message
"Moisturising now" - Whoa! she is rubbing her naked body

I honestly don't think she realised at the time how those messages could be taken. Like I said, I know my wife and if I asked to to read those messages back I think she would see what I mean.

At the end of the day I don't mind her having male friends and can even come to terms with her having a very old ex as a male friend. I'd be unfairly possessive if I didn't.

I hurt her quite badly in the past and we have both worked at our relationship to get through some very dark times. I did deserve to be kicked out but our relationship is stronger than that.
If we got through that then we can get through:
a) At best, a silly mis communication
or
b) At worse, A subconsious emotional affair

Love to you all, and thank you all for your comments

Hope it all works out well for you. I would still recommend the Shirley Glass book though, even if you just read it yourself.

You are reassured because she apparently didn't contact him during one 24 hour period ?

You know where we are, Andy

I am actually a bit pissed off at your paternalistic attitute towards your wife

She is "naive"

She "doesn't realise"

You "need to advise her on what is approppriate and what is not" ?

You are going to "continue" to monitor her"

You sound like her slightly-controlling father, not her husband

I don't think the "miscommunication" is between your wife and this OM. I think the communication is quite clear. Your wife is a grown woman. She knows what she is doing. She lived through it once before, remember ?

You haven't actually done anything to address this, have you ? She doesn't even know you are monitoring her messages. I think she is in the wrong here, Andy, but you need to take your thumb out of your arse, get the kids in bed and talk about this with your wife. You are making excuses.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, Andy.

Andy, I think that any woman who sends instant messages to a man to tell him that she is moisturising, only wants him to think of her in a sexual way.

Come on! Moisturising? After the bath? So she's telling him she's naked, and slathering cream on her body? If it's platonic, why would he be interested in her putting cream on her legs?

Another one here who thinks you speak of your wife as though she is a little bit stupid, when the bitter irony is that it's you who's being utterly dense about this. Your wife knows exactly what she's doing and why. She's treating your relationship with contempt and you're too egotistical to see it. You seem to think she's too naive or pure in thought to realise what she's doing.

I don't think her behaviour has necessarily got anything to do with your past actions, but I think yours has. You seem to think that only a certain category of women know about sexual allure and that your wife is in a different box altogether. She's not. She's a sexual being capable of being as devious and hurtful as anyone else.

And you are being taken for a fool, not just by her but by her friend.

I wonder whether you are really this in denial or whether you're setting her up to fall from the moral high ground she occupied when you fell of your pedestal?

I think he was at Thorpe Park when you were there.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt

Teddy I love that.

Andy, wake up.

I agree with AF, you are treating your wife as if she's just a bit of a naive sweet person who doesn't know what these things might mean. This is highly unlikely. But, see how it goes, it may fizzle out as a source of emotional excitement, it may not. I would be having a frank chat if this were me, but it seems you don't want to do that yet- just keep in mind that just because you stuffed up, doesn't mean your wife can't too.

Oh and, FWIW, I do think you're patronising your wife and she ain't the innocent bystander you like to think she is.

Andy, mate, I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else.

It's YOU that is being naive. I don't know any women who wouldn't 'realise' how those messages came across. You don't text a platonic friend from the shower either. Have you thought that she took her phone with her so that it was still safe in her possession?

You talk about her like she's a child. She's not, she's a fully grown, sexually mature woman. She realised.

I've just read through this thread and agree with the others, she knows exactly what she is doing. She may be doing it to punish you (as she may see it) or because of the thrill it gives her, and don't underestimate just how flattering she is finding it. You mentioned that she talks to him while you are at work too? Where are you DC's while she is doing this? It sounds like you are not the only one she is ignoring while this is going on. Mentally she has left the room, even though she is sitting there.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I think you need to make it even clearer that its not on.

Andy, I think you gotta wake up and smell the coffee.

There are around 30 women here telling you your wife isn't as innocent as you're desperately trying to make her out to be.

The moisturising messages are blatantly sexual, I wouldn't dream of saying that to a male friend, I'd be aware that it was inappropriate.

You say this bloke is local too?

Andy, I'm guessing that you posted here to get a woman's point of view. Almost every reply has given you that, and it's now up to you what you choose to do next, having a female insight.

My insight is to nip this in the bud, soon. Your wife sounds like she's getting carried away and sees this as romantic and exciting. She may not be thinking of a physical affair just yet, she may even be thinking she is falling in love.

You can't stop her, but you can let her know that this is unacceptable behaviour and what she is looking at losing if she carries on.

I wouldn't delay doing that if I were you.

As Inadeeptrance says, don't delay. If you are worried about acting now just think how awful its going to be in a few week's time when they have possibly met up and she thinks she has reconnected with the love of her life, because I would bet thats what is going through her head right now. You may feel she is in some way justified in treating you like this because of things you did in the past but your children are blameless and they will be the ones that suffer. She needs to grow up and stop getting her head turned by someone who just wants an easy lay.