Concerned Hubbie, sorry it's long

[Andy1964]

I don?t often post on here but I would like your opinion on something that has been praying on my mind for a few months now.

DW got in contact with a very old ex on Facebook sometime ago. I know about it, It?s not a secret and I don?t have a problem with her being friends with anyone on Facebook.

For the record, they were teenagers at the time.

DW had lost contact with a lot of her old school friends a long time ago while she was in a previous relationship her partner at the time was very jealous and controlling.

DW started chatting to him on Facebook chat a few months ago, she would chat to him while I was at work, most of the time she would tell me that she had been in contact so it was no secret.

Last Wednesday however she spent a whole evening chatting to him.

I?m ashamed to admit this made me feel threatened and jealous, I told her this is how I felt and that I was jealous that they could share so many fond memories and that obviously I can?t be part of that.

It got a little heated, not an argument and she told me that she never thought I would be like this and that she would understand if it was her jealous and controlling ex.

DW took it quite bad, I had upset her. I bloody hate doing that. I don?t want to stop her being friends, I just thought it was a bit much that she spent an entire evening chatting to an ex on Facebook.

Then on Friday she spent until 11:00pm chatting to him.
Fridays have been traditionally our night after a week at work it?s nice to be able to sit and chill out on the sofa.
I had said to her earlier that we might like to take the opportunity for some hot lovemaking earlier and she was not against this, quite the opposite.
She continued to chat to him though.
I went to get a shower and when I came back in nothing but my bathrobe she continued chatting to him.
She even took her phone upstairs so that she could use her phone to continue chatting to him while she showered.

She chatted to him on Saturday night for a little while and then on Sunday she was chatting to him again all morning while I was ironing downstairs.

DW had made me feel quite uncomfortable earlier on in the week about bringing up the issue of her chatting to him all night but I felt that I really needed to talk to her about it again as I thought that it was getting a little excessive.

I couldn?t help it I had to bring the subject up again. As far as I remember these are my exact words
?Babe, can I ask you something without you taking the wrong way??
?Can I ask you to knock that on the head tonight so I can have some of your attention?
Referring to her chatting on Facebook.

It did not go well, she got upset again. She bought up my past (I?ve been no angel online but I have always been faithful. We have dealt with my past, I?ve changed my ?habbits?)

I don?t know what to think. I trust her implicitly, she is open and honest about it all with me, she does not try to hide it.
I am, however concerned with two things.

1. The amount of time she spends chatting to him
2. Some of the things they are saying to eachother

Here are some examples of the messages they are exchanging

They were talking about the film Dirty Dancing
He said ? ?I always think of you when I see that film?

They were talking about the film Grease
She said ? ?You were always my Danny Zuko?

She was talking about one of her ex?s
?You should have been my knight in shining Armour?

When she took her phone up as she showered prior to making love with me
She said ? ?Just getting in a shower now?
And when she got out of the shower ? ?Moisturising now?

There are other comments that I cant recall too. Is this appropriate?

I?m at a loss as to what to think, I?ve tried talking to her but I just goes all wrong.

No, she is hiding nothing.
Facebook is always logged in, I can look (discretly)

Messaging him while I sit next to her on the sofa.

She has nothing to hide, she has done nothing wrong, in her mind.
I think she is just being naive, or there is something there but in her subconcious mind.

If it was something else then she would surely log out of Facebook (but we know eachothers passwords and user names on everything)
or
she would delete her messages.

Having said that if I did find that messages were being deleted then I would be worried.

Don't forget, I have told her that I am happy for her to continue the friendship but just to be more considerate about the amount of time spent chatting on Facebook

She's having an emotional affair at the very least. If it upsets you she shouldn't be doing it.

she would not be taking a phone with her to the shower and describing rubbing moisturiser into her body...

If she is doing that, you need to seriously step up to the plate and do something. That is very, very wrong and waaaaay over the boundary line. That's more akin to phone sex imo.

I think that the showering and moisurising comments were more throw away comments that anything else.

I just don't think she sees them as inappropriate

What's the weather like in Denial op?

Seriously I know how hard it is trust me, but this is not right and you know it.

She is not being actively open with these conversations she's just not actively hiding them. Big big difference.

But you know all this, you just don't want to face it.

As I said, I really do understand but pretending doesn't help anyone. I know what i'm talking about.

She is clearly flriting with him "getting in the shower now" "moisturising now" ffs. You have to decide what you are going to do about this as she clearly doesn't think she has to stop.

It is definitely an emotioanal affair and they are very damaging.

No, they're not. If you're having an ordinary phone conversation with someone you stop it whilst you shower and dress. You particularly don't tell the other party exactly what you're doing. It's inappropriate and flirtatious behaviour.

Andy, you are doing what many of the women who come on here to talk about an inappropriate friendship their male partner is having, when everyone tells them it is crossing a line

minimising making excuses and walking on eggshells

you are also concentrating too much on the other man, instead of examining your wife's dodgy behaviour

you sound rather frightened of bringing it up in case you "upset" her...what do you mean by that exactly ? Anger ?

I really do hope you have atoned properly for your sex chat room shenanigans, and that you realise that many women would simply have booted your arse to Kingdom Come with no second chances, don't you ? It seems that sort of thing really does have far-reaching consequences for the trust/respect in a relationship, as you now seem unable to be perfectly and utterly clear with your wife for some reason

OK :(
I hear what you are all saying.

This is not like my wife though.

of course it isn't like your wife, when people cross a line, they start behaving like a different person

I wonder, would your wife be as understanding if you were up all hours chatting to exes online?

Nope, didn't think so!

Are you scared of the reprocussions if you tell her she has to stop?

You did wrong, she decided to stay with you so it should have been dealt with. It does not excuse what she is doing now.

OK, if I were chatting with someone online and telling them I was stepping into the shower, then later moisturising now, there would be NO DOUBT in my mind that I was flirting.

I KNOW that my comment would be designed to at the very least titillate him or provoke a reaction. I'd know I was winding him up.

I don't think your wife OR ANYONE is THAT innocent and tbh vacant to not know what effect a comment like 'Moisturising Now', will have; knowing that SHE herself is about to apparently have sex with YOU her DH. Sex will be on her mind, and she will know full well what she is thinking/doing.

Andy. Put yourself back in your 'No Angel' phase for a moment. What would have gone through YOUR mind if you had the exchanges she is having with someone? Remember that women are more mentally stimulated than visually stimulated. Words rather than pictures do it for us, we don't need it to be so literal.

She's flirting with him, there's no question - but from the way you describe her, it seems like it's "harmless" flirting if you see what I mean (ie she doesn't actually want to shag him, she's just enjoying the attention). Either way, it's a bit disrespectful of your relationship for her to continue it in this way.. I'd imagine she'd feel the same if you were flirting and chatting for hours with an ex girlfriend..

Maybe in a couple of days, if it continues, you need to have a bit of a chat. Try not to freak out too much though! I'm a terrible flirt myself and it's easy to get carried away. Maybe try a bit of flirting with her yourself, remind her that you can make her feel special too (and that is in no way saying that "not paying attention to your partner drives them to an affair", I just mean, remind her you're fun).

Andy please listen to what people on here are telling you. I've had two affairs, and I want to tell you that I think these conversations between your wife and this man are very inappropriate.

I'm sure you are right when you say that your wife isn't like how some people here are describing her. I wasn't exactly your archetypal cheating spouse, either when I had my affairs. But as AF says, when people cross a line they start behaving like a different person. I'm sure you can recognise that from your own sex chat room experience, as can I from my own experience of infidelity.

It's not going to be an easy conversation to have with her, but you really need to let her know that you are unhappy about the amount of time she is chatting to this man, and the inappropriate timing of those chats. You need to help her reset her own boundaries WRT what she is doing, otherwise this is going to end badly IMHO.

And AF is right about not blaming the other man - this needs to be sorted out with your DW.

Ideally she could think about how the exchanges make her feel and think about a way to replicate what she gets out of them in a way that doesn't threaten your relationship?

Frankly, at the moment she if finding chatting to the ex more exciting and stimulating than chatting to you. I guess you felt something similar about sex chat rooms at some point?

I've read into some of those messages sexual content.
Then again I am a guy who has had first hand experience of the type of thing that gets exchanged.

I know you all think I am foolish but i am 100% confident that this will not turn into anything suspicious.
I just want DW to be a bit more considerate in firstly, the amount of time and the timing she spends chatting to him.
Secondly, she is not aware that I know the content of their messages. If I need to bring it up again this will be discussed along the lines of "think how it looks before you send the message"

I hurt her with my stupidness in the past, I think that this is the reason I don't want to confront her as i may not want to confront my history again.
We have done lots of this.
Maybe, when the time come I need to deal with it from a different perspective. Is she happy that I have changed my habbits, made a positive change to our relationship?
Is it my past that is subconsiously creating a need?

Lot's of people have said this, maybe it's not forgotten and I need to deal with this first?

In almost every thread I have read on this site over the last few years I have been here, the betrayed party has said something along the lines of "this is not like him" or "he wouldn't do that", when they start a thread questioning the partner's strange/unusual behaviour but before they realise their partner is having an emotional or physical affair. To me, this feels like another one of those threads. You may have a chance to nip this in the bud, before it becomes serious between them, BUT in order to do that you need to take it seriously as a threat, then you need to make sure that your wife takes it seriously.

I wouldn't advise bringing up your past behaviour when you talk to her about this again (because I'm damn sure you will be talking to her about this again). Your previous bad behaviour is nothing to do with her current behaviour, and shouldn't be used as an excuse by either her or you. If she chooses to bring it up, then you will know that she has not put it behind her as thoroughly as you may think. It still doesn't excuse what she is doing now though.

I'm gonna go home now. My head is swimming :(

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate them, good or bad.

It's OK Andy, it's a lot to take in. We're here if you need us.

Hope you have a good evening. Come back and let us know how you are tomorrow?

there are no "good or bad" comments, andy, only different angles

or, to put it another way, ones that make uncomfortable reading, and those that support you in burying your head in the sand

there aren't too many of the latter though, are there ?

Well, it's quite easy, think about if these comments are appropriate between female friends. They are not, by the way. They are extremely flirtatious and given your wife doesn't know you know the content, they are, til now, their little secret.

Moisturising, you were my first love.

Don't you get it?!

A caring and considerate wife would not share the disagreements the two of you are having with this man. It undermines your relationship and weakens the bond that you share, whilst at the same time strengthening what is going on with them.