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Original poster

Tired of being left out of days out with the kids

87 replies

whoknewthat · 15/04/2012 13:41

I have spoken to DH about it but I'm not sure whether I'm being overly precious.

DH has a hobby which he loves. I have no problem with this in itself, even though it takes up a lot of his energy.

He also enjoys going to events too and often goes with his father, brother and takes our 2 boys. I have no interest in going, no interest in the event and don't really want to spend the day with DH's family in that way.

However DH thinks he's doing me this massive favour by taking the boys out for the day and allowing me 'time to get stuff done'. This sounds OK but in practice, it means I spend the day doing housework, running errands and cooking Sunday dinner whilst DH has a lovely family day out.

I feel like Cinderella. I got very upset last week when I suggested a night away (just me and DH) but he said he'd rather not as he doesn't like travelling if he doesn't have to (drives a lot for his job) and would miss the DCs. He's driven a 3 hour round trip today though Hmm

Another part of me makes me worry for the future. Although I love the fact that DH and DSs might share a hobby, which will mean they want to spend time together when they are older, I'm also very conscious of my MIL who was often excluded from conversation etc because she didn't share her husband and son's passion. I know it often upset her.

I've told DH that I want the days out to be reduced and that we need to spend more time together as a family. We then planned a day out next week and he said he'd ask his Dad. I said no - it was to be just the four of us. But now I feel a bit mean.

He says that I never want to do anything at the weekends which isn't true- it's just that there are things that NEED to be done, and we should be able to do them together and then have a good time.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoknewthat · 15/04/2012 13:42

I do actually have loads to do today but I haven't done anything, just messed around on here because I am just so bored. and lonely.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/04/2012 13:46

If you both work, then he should only take them out for the day when everything that needs to be done is done. It just isn't fair that you should be left with all the dogsbody things to do whilst they are off having fun.

It's also wrong that your sons don't have fun time with you. It's nice they go out with their dad and grandad, but they need a fun relationship with you, too.

And you were right to say you didn't want his dad coming along! His dad would do better staying at home with his wife or arranging something with her, from the sound of it.

Lueji · 15/04/2012 13:47

How about taking some interest in their hobby?

At least to join them sometimes and talk about it too.

Original poster
whoknewthat · 15/04/2012 13:48

My MIL had died blether. Sorry, I didn't make that clear.

So part of the reason is that FIL is lonely too. He is a great Grandad and I am pleased that the DSs think so much of him.

I work part time but just feels like I get all the parenting bits (cooking, school run, homework) and DH gets an excuse to do what he would want to do anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoknewthat · 15/04/2012 13:49

I have tried in the past, but to be honest I just feel like a bit of spare part.

OP posts:
Mrsrobertduvall · 15/04/2012 13:53

Do you not have a hooby/interests yourself?
Dh and I don't spend much time together at the weekend as he golfs/sails;today he's watched ds play footy and now they've both gone to the golf club.
I have had anice coffee and read of the papers, will go to the gym and then we all meet again for tea.

I would make the most of it!

motherinferior · 15/04/2012 13:53

Don't do the housework and errands and cooking on a Sunday. Have a day off. Read a book. Go to the cinema. See your own friends. Do your own thing.

belgo · 15/04/2012 13:56

'However DH thinks he's doing me this massive favour by taking the boys out for the day and allowing me 'time to get stuff done'.'

Leave the housework, and do soemthing you want to do!

And if you want to go somewhere as a family, then why don't you organise it yourself?

Gumby · 15/04/2012 13:57

What is the hobby?
I agree with motherinferior- make your own hobbies, see your friends , go swimming etc
Don't make them stop having fun together because you're bored

post · 15/04/2012 13:58

How old are your boys? How about all having one day/ morning of doing house jobs together, then the next day, or the afternoon going out...together?

I'd really not want to keep things as they are at the moment either, op. And it sounds like your boys are going to get the same idea of how families spend their time as your dh; nip, nip, nip it in the bud!

ladyintheradiator · 15/04/2012 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji · 15/04/2012 14:01

You need to find your own hobby, then. :)

Although the spare part feeling might lessen over time.
Could you contribute in any way to it?

You might combine it with something like photography for example.

Bunbaker · 15/04/2012 14:03

Is there not something that you all enjoy doing? If you work part time do you absolutely have to do chores at the weekend? Does Sunday dinner have to be a roast with all the trimmings?

I have the opposite problem. OH doesn't like days out unless we are on holiday. I like to take DD to the zoo, the cinema or to visit a museum or stately home. OH prefers to stay at home and watch rugby on TV or just go for a walk. He has a pathological hatred of crowds and busy roads, even if I am driving. As a result we hardly ever have days out as a family. I feel sad for DD because when we go to events or outings most of the families we see have mum and dad present.

motherinferior · 15/04/2012 14:04

I mean, if you want to spend Sunday with your partner and kids, that's one - separate - thing. Fine. But if the fact is that you feel they go out and you're left to do the domestic stuff...don't do it. Just don't. Sit in front of the telly all day if that's what you fancy. Although I would recommend seeing your own mates instead, or going out to the pictures and seeing - in glorious solitude - a film nobody else in your household would enjoy. (Or, indeed, something your DH would enjoy. But isn't there. Soddit. You've got a day off. Eat an ice cream while you're about it.)

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/04/2012 14:05

I agree, don't stay at home and 'get stuff done'. See friends, go to the cinema, go biking, stay in and knit ? whatever you want to do with your day. If your DH wants 'stuff' to 'get done' he can contribute to getting it done himself.

difficultpickle · 15/04/2012 14:05

I would spend the time that your dh is out with your dss doing something I enjoy. I very much doubt that would be household chores. If your dh questions this when he comes home then you need to have a discussion about how you spend your weekends and whether there could be a fairer division of chores.

Original poster
whoknewthat · 15/04/2012 14:06

thank you - you are right. I need to be more disciplined about what I do when they are out.

The hobby is motor racing, or actually just cars in general. DH eats, sleeps and breathes them. Whether it's watching them on TV, reading about them or going to events.

I can take it or leave it to be honest.

I go to the odd one now and again if there is something else interesting there but on the whole, it's not really my bag. I'd rather go to Stately home, zoo etc or even just go out on our bikes for the afternoon.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 15/04/2012 14:08

Oh yes, my partner is fascinated by sodding cars. I loathe the frightful things. I wouldn't waste chunks of my life trying to fabricate an interest in the buggers. But nor would I do housework. You need to be more in disciplined, IMO. The day is yours, spreading out gloriously child-free. Enjoy!

motherinferior · 15/04/2012 14:09

He can cook supper when he gets in, dammit.

(And yes, I do live with a man who is quite prepared to do this.)

Bunbaker · 15/04/2012 14:10

Come with me next time whoknewthat Smile

overmydeadbody · 15/04/2012 14:13

Do you not have a hobby of your own? One that you can take up and perhaps get your DH and DSs interested in too?

Is their hobby that bad that you cannot possibly embrace it and participate too? What exactly is this hobby of theirs that they spend so much time doing and talking about?

My DP and DS are obsessed with cars. DP works in the industry too, and so do most of his friends. It is all DS and DP talk about, and when DP gets together with friends it dominates the conversation. Over the years I have gone from feigning interest to actually being interested, if that makes sense. I don't want to be left out, so I made sure I joined in, payed attention, learnt what I had to, helped DP when w
he was under the bonnet of a car, etc etc. It's not what I would choose to do, but spending time with DP and DS is fun, so it's not that bad.

overmydeadbody · 15/04/2012 14:14

cross posted. SO their hobby is cars too.

difficultpickle · 15/04/2012 14:16

I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to that. I've been to F1 and frankly can easily leave it.

I would relish the time at home to myself, choosing how I spent my time and what I did without being at other's beck and call. Can't you do things as a family one weekend day and do things apart on the other day? There must be things you'd like to do for yourself but maybe you need a bit of time or inspiration to think about it. I would happily go to the cinema on my own, or for a walk, or doing something crafty, or (favourite) having an afternoon nap and listening to the play on Radio 4.

overmydeadbody · 15/04/2012 14:17

Can you not try to see the beauty in cars? They are nicer to look at than stately homes surely!

DS and DP know that if we're talking cars, I like classic ones, so they accommodate this and we sometimes go to classic car shows, because it is a bit of their obsession that I can share in.

I also learn how car engines work, learnt all of the jargon, and equipped myself to be able to take part in their conversations.

Original poster
whoknewthat · 15/04/2012 14:17

Overmydeadbody, do you know I did do that before DCs were born, and we often had quite nice days out with picnics etc.

But now FIL comes too, it's really not the family day I would want. Maybe if I went along to more of them, FIL wouldn't come.

I need to sort it out before the summer starts in earnest!

OP posts: