Tired of being left out of days out with the kids

[whoknewthat]

I have spoken to DH about it but I'm not sure whether I'm being overly precious.

DH has a hobby which he loves. I have no problem with this in itself, even though it takes up a lot of his energy.

He also enjoys going to events too and often goes with his father, brother and takes our 2 boys. I have no interest in going, no interest in the event and don't really want to spend the day with DH's family in that way.

However DH thinks he's doing me this massive favour by taking the boys out for the day and allowing me 'time to get stuff done'. This sounds OK but in practice, it means I spend the day doing housework, running errands and cooking Sunday dinner whilst DH has a lovely family day out.

I feel like Cinderella. I got very upset last week when I suggested a night away (just me and DH) but he said he'd rather not as he doesn't like travelling if he doesn't have to (drives a lot for his job) and would miss the DCs. He's driven a 3 hour round trip today though

Another part of me makes me worry for the future. Although I love the fact that DH and DSs might share a hobby, which will mean they want to spend time together when they are older, I'm also very conscious of my MIL who was often excluded from conversation etc because she didn't share her husband and son's passion. I know it often upset her.

I've told DH that I want the days out to be reduced and that we need to spend more time together as a family. We then planned a day out next week and he said he'd ask his Dad. I said no - it was to be just the four of us. But now I feel a bit mean.

He says that I never want to do anything at the weekends which isn't true- it's just that there are things that NEED to be done, and we should be able to do them together and then have a good time.

I think you should read 'Wifework'.

It isn't fair that you are stuck with the boring parts of child raising whilst DP gets the fun stuff.

This has been rather illuminating, OP.

DP lives, works, dreams cars. Family business etc. Your OP just made me see into what could be my future...

Happy to oblige

This weekend has been a bit of a wake up call for both of us.

I certainly need to be more proactive about doing things, and maybe agree that he goes motor racing once a month.

He was a bit taken aback last week when I announced that, as he was going away to an event for 5 days, I was taking the kids to Center Parcs while he was away. I pointed out it was the same price as his weekend away and did he honestly expect me to stay at home twiddling my thumbs.

I think he got the message

Good for you!

It makes you wonder what the hell goes through his head though doesn't it! And what his ideas are regarding your role in the family. Id be seriously worried.

Morris, 'men's hobbies have names but women's hobbies don't.' That's a great way of putting it and very enlightening! I hadn't thought of it that way before but you're absolutely right.

I think if you hypnotised asked him what comes first, his family or his hobby, I very much suspect the answer would be his hobby.

I think you're going to have to rein this guy in big time because it may all seem pretty ordinary, if a bit excessive, on the surface but imo what you describe really does eat away at the fabric of your lives. Or your life, to be exact, your family life.

then he walks through the door, having indulged his addiction hobby all day and starts throwing his weight around like the big he man. bleurgh OP, just bleurgh

I also think he's going to have to face the fact pretty soon that his children may not like his hobby. My husband's dad loved fishing and bought him a rod and they spent many hours sitting on the river bank with my husband wishing he could go home and write computer software, his real hobby. You can't make your children into mini-clones of yourself, and I think you asserting yourself in terms of determining what activities the boys take part in, and how they are structured to include the whole family, will actually help with this.

Yes or his dcs will make his life such a misery when he takes them to see cars that he will not want to do that anyway. Children can be very good at that lol!

I agree, it took me a long time for Dh to finally realize that what he likes doing sin't necesseraly what the dcs like to do (or can do, age appropriate activities are always better!)

Sounds like you are making some progress OP however a trip to CP with 2 kids on your own, and getting to look after DS1 the next time your H decides to indulge his hobby don't sound like huge concessions to me.

I'd spell it out a bit more about the maximum number of weekends and trips away you would like to see and try to build in a bit more family holidays and time as a couple together. Also get your own hobby, I go skiing abroad for 4 nights with some female friends was every other year but now the children are a bit older may try to do it every year. It's wonderful not having to think about anyone but yourself so why should your H get the sole benefit of it?

I try to get everything done in the week and evenings (by I - I mean DH and I), so weekends are just for fun, except for cooking and feeding the masses.

Your marriage sounds a bit crowded op. there's 3 of you in it (and I don't mean FIL)

The DSs are too small to be properly interested in that hobby, they are being conditioned into it and probably know that to get attention from daddy they have to play along .

I know a few little boys like this but with football, in those cases the dads don't spend much time with the DC outside the pursuit of their hobby and the DC are under pressure to like it too and tag along and be undemanding. For example, the dads don't actually play football with the DC, just watch it, the mums take them to soccertots or whatever!

Selfish selfish selfish. Even worse that he's deluding himself/you that he is being a good parent / partner by doing what suits him.

Taking 5 days (of 25?) leave plus frequent weekend days for a hobby is also selfish, since of both partners did that there would be v little family time or money.

What is the split of housework? Sounds uneven. surely if he can afford this hobby he can afford a cleaner?

at his treatment of you / ds1, if anyone said that to me re hoovering they'd get a hoover pipe somewhere v painful and could use it to suck up all the dust-bunnies that would accumulate while I read novels and supped champagne paid for on their credit card!

In fact I don't like the sound of this DH at all!