Tired of being left out of days out with the kids

[whoknewthat]

I have spoken to DH about it but I'm not sure whether I'm being overly precious.

DH has a hobby which he loves. I have no problem with this in itself, even though it takes up a lot of his energy.

He also enjoys going to events too and often goes with his father, brother and takes our 2 boys. I have no interest in going, no interest in the event and don't really want to spend the day with DH's family in that way.

However DH thinks he's doing me this massive favour by taking the boys out for the day and allowing me 'time to get stuff done'. This sounds OK but in practice, it means I spend the day doing housework, running errands and cooking Sunday dinner whilst DH has a lovely family day out.

I feel like Cinderella. I got very upset last week when I suggested a night away (just me and DH) but he said he'd rather not as he doesn't like travelling if he doesn't have to (drives a lot for his job) and would miss the DCs. He's driven a 3 hour round trip today though

Another part of me makes me worry for the future. Although I love the fact that DH and DSs might share a hobby, which will mean they want to spend time together when they are older, I'm also very conscious of my MIL who was often excluded from conversation etc because she didn't share her husband and son's passion. I know it often upset her.

I've told DH that I want the days out to be reduced and that we need to spend more time together as a family. We then planned a day out next week and he said he'd ask his Dad. I said no - it was to be just the four of us. But now I feel a bit mean.

He says that I never want to do anything at the weekends which isn't true- it's just that there are things that NEED to be done, and we should be able to do them together and then have a good time.

Also, I get the sense that DS1 (6) doesn't enjoy the car thing quite as much as DS2 (3), although neither he nor DH would really admit this.

I might start suggesting that DS1 can do something with me and DS2 can go with DH.

Surely having DH taking the boys out whilst you relax is the benefit of having sons?

Hold on, they are just 3 and 6yo!!

When you said that the dcs enjoy your DH hobby, I thought they would be 8 or 12yo not so small.

At that age, I would be surprised if they really enjoy that hobby. It's more likely that they enjoy spending time with daddy and their grand dad. Their dad obvioulsy really loves cars and it will be difficult for them to say 'they think it's rubbish' or they don't like it.

At that age, neither of my dcs would have said 'Oh I don't like because it had a special aura. That was what Daddy is doing so it was special and nice.

So get more proactive!

ChippyMinton LOL! I know what you mean. I have two boys (only 4.1 and 2.5) and I cannot wait till DH will take them out to do 'boys' things' so I can go shopping on my fucking own and NOT drag two screaming toddlers trying to buy curtains while the proceed to wrestle and scream in the aisle...

whoknewthat I think it really depends on what how often we are talking about and what they actually do (if it's the GP, they can't actually go to every race, so I assume it's just TV watching?). FWIW, I think it's important for fathers to do bonding time with their sons without their mothers there all the time. However, if DH does take DSs, I might do housework, I might not but if I choose NOT to, there is no way he dares object as he knows I look after the kids alone a lot (he has a demanding job with long hours at times) and do a lot for the whole family. If it's a couple of hours once a week, I think that's fine, you still have another day to do family stuff. If it's more than that, then I think you have a case.

I've just had to google Chippy Minton as I couldn't remember where I knew the name.

Now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside

I always want to change my name to Mrs Honeyball when I see Chippy Minton posting....

Well, you are being a martyr which gets you nowhere. Trust me.

(I can say from experience)

Instead, do something fun or join them.

There is no need for you to cook and clean, you can all do that together, before or after the event!!!

"Can you not try to see the beauty in cars? They are nicer to look at than stately homes surely!"

No. Motor racing is dull and F1 is a good antidote for insomnia.

whoknewthat -
seeker it's Mrs Honeyman. I wanted to be Miss Lovelace (with all her doggies) but the name was taken.

I would rather stab myself in the eye than fabricate an interest in cars.

That's why he won't marry you, motherinferior!

It's why I won't marry him, I think you'll find

(Nor do I fabricate an interest in t'ai chi. And he doesn't fabricate an interest in chamber choirs. It's relationship dysfunction all round in the Inferiority Complex .)

Well the worm has turned

DH came through the door and made a sarcastic comment as I hadn't done the hoovering . He then immediately switched on the TV to watch the race they had missed, shouting at DS1 who wanted to watch something else into the bargain.

I told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was unacceptable and, given he had spent the day doing exactly as he pleased, even after I had asked him not to go, then he could not expect me to stay at home doing chores. Even FIL chipped in in agreement.

Over roast dinner, he agreed that he was being unreasonable. He said he was cross with DS1 as he had just moaned all day. I suggested that maybe he just didn't enjoy it as much as DH wanted him to and shouldn't be punished for that.

I offered that DS1 should come out with me next time which DS1 said he would rather.

And next time he goes when he comes back we're going out for pizza .

Let's hope it works.

Good for you.

Good for you. Ignore the 'things that need to be done' and go out yourself. If you get sarcastic comments about the lack of hoovering make one back as in ' have you forgotten where the hoover lives?'
I suspect they go with Dad because your alternative is boring-get out of the house with your own thing and they might find it more exciting.

V interesting. My DP is passionate about sport, golf and football in particular. I'm in the 'can't wait til DS is old enough to go and join in' camp, but appreciate it isn't like that for everybody.

On another note, I hate that men's hobbies have names but women's hobbies don't. Now and then DP will pull me up for not showing enough interest in his hobby. I always respond by asking him to name my top five writers. Cue blank look.

It does annoy me sometimes that if DP has an early round of golf at the weekend, I have the childcare shift. But I don't have an equivalent 'hobby', and if I said look, can you do all the childcare for 5 hours so I can snooze, read, potter and play on my phone I'd get the 'you must be joking' look.

If my 'd'p even thought about making a comment on the non-hoovering I know where I'd be shoving the crevice tool

If he wants a day out then he has to do the equivalent chores.

Exactly Morris

I could start a whole different thread about how DH's hobby get included in the weekend 'to do' list.

So he changes a gear box while I do the washing. He will often have Saturday mornings to do this, then on Sunday ask what I've 'got done' with the time.

I've told him he could have a massive sofa and drinks cabinet in the garage for all it contributes to the family but it doesn't register.

Sorry only read page one as kids waiting for toast (bad mummy alert).

My first thoughts were that you are CHOOSING to stay home cleaning and cooking dinner. Do something YOU like, like shopping followed by lunch. They can cook themselves something easy when they get in or get something out.

You need to make it very clear that you need family time doing other things and you also need time just with your husband. You won't have any marriage left it you don't do these things, tell him that.

Btw the hobby sounds tedious. I wouldn't be that interested either. My husband has a geeky hobby which he spends one evening a week doing. I like it as i get a couple of hours to myself, he does it at home so he's not away from the family. Then at the weekend he will do it once a month as he doesn't want it to encroach on our relationship or family time.

How often do they go and do this? How old are your boys? Do they want to go? The problem is that if they are doing this ALL the time it leaves them no time to experience other things in life like the zoo as you say. That's a pretty one dimensional childhood.

Personally i don't actually think i could be in a relationship with someone who was so obsessed by something so boring. I did go out with a guy who was really into a certain tv program and taped hours and hours of it. He expected us to watch them on our dates

Right just read a bit more (still haven't made toast).

Your boys are so young! They need time to do other things, swimming, walks in the forest, zoo, trips to the beach etc.

How many times a month do they do this? Its monopolising their lives! You can make decisions about the things they experience as children as well, not just your husband.

You need to be more assertive. Decide some things you would like to do with the kids and write them in on a calendar.

As for your husband getting the hump because you hadn't done the hoovering! Im guessing he is treating you the same way as his mother was treated.

Just make sure this doesn't morph into "dh goes off to do car stuff while WhoKnewThat looks after the boys 'cos they're not into cars, and does all the jobs too"

Make a list of jobs that need doing at the weekend and divide them up. Hand him his list. Show him that you both have an equal amount. Then if he spends the morning in the garage he'll still have his jobs to do, but that is his choice. It helps if you make sure his jobs are ones that can't be left undone - e.g. he gets cooking the dinner rather than doing the hoovering.

Plan days out, put them on the calendar, get the boys excited about them, and inform dh he is coming too. You can invite FIL to come sometimes ...

Honestly, all these posters telling you to get interested in cars! How about you take up a hobby and we'll all tell your dh to join in and show an interest?

I totally understand about wanting him to want to spend time with you, but you're going to have to show him that that can be fun. Which brings us back to planning some days out and insisting he comes.

So he goes and puts in a gear box which is part of his hobby and expects you to do the housework (and i assume look after the children as well) while he's doing it!?

You need to make it very clear that his hobby is just that, a hobby, and is in no way compulsory or comparable to the housework. If housework needs doing then you both do that before he starts on his HOBBY in HIS spare time!

How about you go get your hair done (write it on the list) while HE does the housework.

The more i read the more i think he sounds like a selfish entitled boring twat!

I think the point the OP is trying to make is that she wants them to spend time as a family and do family stuff before they're teenagers and wouldn't be seen dead on a day out with parents. 3 and 6 are lovely ages you can go the seaside, park, zoo, theme park, feed the ducks, bike ride.... anything really

I would let him go with his father once a month to motor racing without the kids and have another Sunday day out all together with FIL, leaving 2 Sundays for you to go out and enjoy time together as a family unit.... just dont let his hobby take over family life

Definitely time to be firm with this man - he is behaving as though he is theperson in the household and therefore everyone revolves around him and he gets to do whatever he wants. You are not his servant and he should be doing his fair share of the domestic chores. Fair share is the amount that means both partners have the same amount of leisure time ie time without chores or childcare. Often men think that they are entitled to the bulk of the leisure time simply because they are men and women don't 'need' hobbies, they have housework.