Tired of being left out of days out with the kids

[whoknewthat]

I have spoken to DH about it but I'm not sure whether I'm being overly precious.

DH has a hobby which he loves. I have no problem with this in itself, even though it takes up a lot of his energy.

He also enjoys going to events too and often goes with his father, brother and takes our 2 boys. I have no interest in going, no interest in the event and don't really want to spend the day with DH's family in that way.

However DH thinks he's doing me this massive favour by taking the boys out for the day and allowing me 'time to get stuff done'. This sounds OK but in practice, it means I spend the day doing housework, running errands and cooking Sunday dinner whilst DH has a lovely family day out.

I feel like Cinderella. I got very upset last week when I suggested a night away (just me and DH) but he said he'd rather not as he doesn't like travelling if he doesn't have to (drives a lot for his job) and would miss the DCs. He's driven a 3 hour round trip today though

Another part of me makes me worry for the future. Although I love the fact that DH and DSs might share a hobby, which will mean they want to spend time together when they are older, I'm also very conscious of my MIL who was often excluded from conversation etc because she didn't share her husband and son's passion. I know it often upset her.

I've told DH that I want the days out to be reduced and that we need to spend more time together as a family. We then planned a day out next week and he said he'd ask his Dad. I said no - it was to be just the four of us. But now I feel a bit mean.

He says that I never want to do anything at the weekends which isn't true- it's just that there are things that NEED to be done, and we should be able to do them together and then have a good time.

I have agreed to go to Goodwood Revival because I genuinely enjoy that, but then DH announces that his Dad, DB and DB's single male friend are also coming so I'm going off the idea

You really need to schedule one day out a month for you and your family, doing something that you want to do, and stick to it. At the moment they are ignoring what you want to do, because you are allowing them to.

whoknewthat - do you drive? Is transport a problem for you? I'm wondering why you can't just take the children out yourself and go to the zoo or whatever.

belgo you are right - of course.

I don't take them to the zoo because there isn't really enough time in the weekend, once the whole motorsport thing is factored in.

But I do need to take more control and just write it on the calender that that's what we're doing.

I think part of my upset too is that I want DH to WANT to spend time with me.
I don't want to operate a your weekend then my weekend thing. I want us to spend family time together and for that to be the main aim, not DH doing what he wants and the rest of us can tag along if we want to.

That's why the weekend away thing really upset me.

Why not find your own hobby? Don't spend the time doing house things,!! I certainly wouldn't....I'd go out with friends, take photos, read, or whatever you are interested in doing. He should be helping with all house type things when he has time off, then pursue interests, together, alone, as a family etc.

My DH takes the DCs to his mum's house (about 20 miles away) every Saturday. She's on her own and in a wheelchair and so is delighted to see them all. I'm really glad to have time to myself. I potter about with housework, but I also do some stuff for myself. They get home at about 6pm, and I will have dinner ready and the house will not be a tip (for once). It all makes for a lovely evening. What's not to like?

But he thinks he is doing you a favour, giving you the time to do your own thing. And from what I read on here, many people would give their right arm for a day on their own while their DH goes off with the kids.
However, it isn't making you happy. So, schedule a day doing something different, tell them well in advance and set the parameter of who attends. Don't expect them to enjoy it btw.

Gay40, the OP's DH doesn't give her time to do her own thing. He thinks he's doing her a favour by giving her 'time to get stuff done' e.g. housework!

The OP certainly should, IMO, spend this time alone doing nice things rather than acting like, as she puts it, Cinderella.

In that case she should absolutely go off and do her own thing NOT housework. Or stay in and do nowt. Either way, NOT do housework.

I don't see why you should feel obliged to develop an interest in cars and motorsports.

I can see why you are feeling left out.

Maybe a good move might be explaining to your family that the days they leave you on your own will be the days you do your own thing, not days that you do housework; and that once a month you would like the four of you do do something together. The cinema is a good start, as it usually ticks everyone's boxes and can't be labelled as 'boring'.

Gay40, absolutely!

You should absolutely not feel that you have to 'try to share their hobby', nor that you should just 'do your own thing' while they all spend time together.

I agree, try taking more control of this. One weekend, they do their thing; the next you take the boys to do an activity of your choice, and your DH can stay home and do the housework thing. The next weekend, you can all do something together. And since there are four weekends a month, maybe the next one, you leave the boys with FIL and you and DH do something together.

You should not allow yourself to feel pushed aside or like you are excluded. There is nothing innate or natural about the boys preferring time with their dad, but if they don't have the chance to do fun things with you or have new experiences doing thise things with you, they will learn to prefer those dad days, IYSWIM.

Looking at it like this, it looks like he is using the interest of the dcs for cars as an excuse to be able to enjoy his hobby to the full with little care of impact it has on you or on the family. He has his dcs with him (which he wants), his hobby (which he really loves), his family and has nicely wrapped all that up by saying his giving you some 'free time' wo the dcs. Look at how nice he is! (or not)

OP have you told you DH that you are getting upset by the fact that he is always organizing stuff to do with the dcs, his father etc.. but where he knwos you are not going to be included because it's something that you don't like? What is he saying about it? Have you told him how excluded from it all you feel? I think your main issue is the fact that you don't feel he wants to spend time with you and I really think you need to tell him that.

On a more practical point oif view, I have a DH who has a hobby like this. If it was up to him, he would spend every WE doing it. So that's what we did. Organizing time so that he could do what he wanted (so cars for your DH, with or wo the dcs, family etc...) . But the agreement is that, on the calendar, there is also some time to do things as a family (just us), that we all like and time for me to do things that I enjoy (but DH doesn't) that I can do with or wo the dcs.
Would that work for you?

Oh and yes, if he is taking to dcs away so that you have some free time, DO IT. Don't use that time to do HW etc...

First if it's supposed to be soem time for you you are wasting it.
Second, it's making things really too easy for him. It's like you are telling him that you like HW and would be happy to do that as a leisure, relaxing activity. Why should he stop?

I would be sad if my dh didn't want to do things as a family :-(

I would be sad if my dh didn't want to do things as a family :-(

Is it every weekend?

Why is it such a problem if ILs go too? You still spend time together surely?

Personally, I'd be quite happy joining in.
Particularly if I could have a go at drivin myself. :o

lady does it mean that he will also take some interest into the OP's interest too and will make an effort to do these too??

Im all for hobbys and having an interest thayt you are passionate about but if I were in your situation, what would make it more bareable for me would be:
*One weekend a month where you all do something totally unrelated to cars
*One weekend month where dh and the dss do car stuff - you down tools here!
*One weekend a monthe where you and the boys do something - dh does whatever he wants

Dont know what to suggest for the last weekend, but I think if dh is happy to de-car for one weekend for the sake of the family, he may actually like you to come along to the car stuff once in a while to show.an.imterest in the things that he and the boys love.

I cannot stress enough, however, that you should NOT allow yourself to become cinderella. On the weekends he is at a car jolly take these as a weekend break for yoy. Have a duvet day or a dvd day or shopping trip.with a friend.

Thank you all, that's really good advice. I am definitely going to be a bit more assertive about it.

I've told him how I feel and I think he understands that. He has a tendency to be quite selfish although isn't horrible iyswim. He is just needs it pointing out.

We have bought DS a new bike for his birthday and we both need to get fit so I think I'm going to insist that we go out on the bikes every other Sunday, then one Sunday he can go to a car thing, and another Sunday we can go somewhere I choose.

I'm going try and get all chores done between us during the week and on Saturdays, so Sundays are purely family time. I have a tendency to potter so this will need a bit more organisation on my part and input from DH.

I definitely think the DSs need to see me having more fun with them over and above the general caring/nagging

And if anyone else suggests that the op should start showing an interest in her menfolk's hobbies I will scream! And so I warn you.