Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

This is the famous 6 months slump. It happened to me, 6 months after I started divorce proceedings, by which time I had the absolute but ex was still living under the same roof.

He still is, but somehow I have got through it - in great part due to MN - and am managing to plod on. I have become implacable.

lemondrizzle, I'm so glad the weekly meals are no more

Ahh yes, the 6 month slump

at least you are not considering taking him back JR?

No, he's not coming anywhere near us again.

joruth I think after 6 or 7 months we feel exhausted after the initial relief of seperating and all we have to deal with from the seperation and his behaviour. I think we have to get what rest we can (not easy) and know we deserve it.

Also remind ourselves how much better things are without our abusive partner there all the time. And get a solicitor to sort out the finances and go to court if neccessary. And the csa. Force him, to make and keep a financial agreement. These abusive men can't be trusted to keep to an "amical" agreement IME.

Freedom programme is really good. (I alternate between going and feeling I'm too exhausted to go/got to work). If work means you can't go to one, you can do it online. It's all free.

And just being on this thread with all the kind and wise women.

amicable

Thanks. I have lurked (lots ).

I am truly exhausted. In common with many of you I have no support from family, young DCs (10,9,7,5), no money from STBX at all for 7 months and work FT in low paid job to make ends meet.

So far so ordinary.

Guess I just need to keep moving on despite the lead boots.

have 2 great friends who are ace (but busy with own lives), and have been that so many "friends" have melted away despite long history together and much support in times of crisis in the opposite direction.

I suppose we are not all made to deal with stress well, but I think going completely awol is a bit more than expected!

Sol is away until june...thereafter plan to get guns blazing and find a way through this mess.

keep on keeping on ladies...wherever you may be.

Like the sound of the Freedom prog by the way...seen Hissy recommending on other threads. Maybe in the summer (if it ever comes) I will take a proper look at doing the online course.

I started the online course. It was very cathartic...

I saw XH this morning and he was sweetness and light. I found myself thinking 'aw he is nice, I've been so harsh'. Then I saw him briefly this afternoon and he was in a total rage again, goodness knows why! He is so bonkers. It's so nice not to have to care about it every day though...

I finally booked myself a counselling appointment at work, its next tuesday 29th. I don't know what I'll say, hoping the words will come. Just to have someone to talk to will be good enough.

Things can't go on like this. :(

Hugs to you tonight joruth.

thx Nini.
You're doing great. I bet once you start telling someone what life has been like it will be like lancing a boil! Let all that bad stuff out and let's fill up the empty space with...well, us I suppose. As wobbly says...yay for US!

Thanks jaffacake
I have had a bit of a slump today. Just feeling sad for no obvious reason. Maybe it's hitting home that my home of 16 years isn't my home any more and I will never again enjoy my lovely new conservatory, comfy sofas or the lovely curtains I bought in 1986! Although of course I could replace them.

And maybe the weekly meal was serving a function of holding the family together despite how painful I found it.

Ah well. It will pass. Very Nice Man is making me

joruth welcome. I am in awe of how much you have to do on your own. You are amazing!! Be very kind to yourself. Have little treats. You deserve it!

Lemondrizzled. I hope you get fair financial compensation for the house and furniture. That is your right and don't let him tell you anything different.

You can replace stuff and it will not be tainted by associated memories of him.
IME

I agree with the little treats idea.

Hello all. Hope you're feeling better today, LemonDrizzled

Despite feeling awful since I moved out last week, I haven't had much time on my hands to post. Or to think. I'm staying with my retired parents and I suspect I'm getting under their feet as much as they are mine.

My head is just reeling.

H has been making lots of changes in his life. He's binned all the alcohol and says he wont be drinking for the foreseeable (I know, it's easy to get more). He's talked to his two daughters about things, and about how they feel, and about making things better. He's called Respect and spoken to them, and he's booked in to start seeing a counsellor (who deals with domestic abuse) on a regular basis. He says he feels good about making the changes as he has also been unhappy with himself for a very long time and can recognise a lot of his behaviours from his childhood with an uninvolved father who he was scared of. I've seen him a few times now, once to go and have a chat (when he did most of the talking, apologised, made lots of promises about the things he'd be doing differently), and also when dropping off/picking up our son. Obviously he's hugely apologetic, saying all the right things. Obviously, he wants us to go back. He seems calm and filled with a quiet determination. I on the other hand am a mess, crying all over the place I see him, can barely speak when I'm with my parents. They do not want me to go back, and have been quite forthright in saying that. As have many friends. I feel hounded and pressured on all sides and I just want to run away. I have no idea what to do, whether to just say it's completely over or to try one more time. Part of me feels like I need to give him a chance to prove he can change, but I don't want to go back yet, maybe not for a couple of weeks. But I know that if I go back my parents will be so disappointed and so will my friends, and as a people-pleaser (here, have a , have some , can I get you anything else?) I'm not sure I can deal with that amount of displeasure and judgement. But if I don't go back I'll never know if things could have been different. At least if I go back, I've always got the option to leave if things don't change?

I spoke to the lady at Women's Aid that I'd previously been in touch with, and she said I needed to be 100% with any decision I make or else it's doomed to fail from the start. I feel that if I decide to make a clean break, I'll mainly be doing it for all the people that think I should, rather than for myself. I know I have my children to think of too, though, and my older son would be happy to go back as long as there was no more shouting or getting into trouble (ha, he thinks at all!). I feel that I'd be more able to protect all of us now, since my H knows what will happen if things go back to how they were.

I don't know who I'm trying to convince here. [sceptical] I guess I just want someone to tell me it's ok to go back, but I suspect I'm going to get shot down in flames for even considering going back. But all opinions still welcome, I know they come from good places and good people.

Oh, and I'm going to do a name change. I feel scunnered is too harsh and negative, I want something softer and more meaningful so I'll see what I can find.

Ok, this is scunnerddotcom having name-changed. I've chosen it as a nod to Ponyboy Curtis, the hero of SE Hinton's book The Outsiders which was my bible when I was a teenager. I wanted to call my first son Ponyboy. (I didn't...). I have actually just bought a copy to give to my just-about-to-turn-13 stepdaughter, since I was about that age when I first read it. It's a book of positivity, dealing with changes and trauma, and about how running away creates more problems than it solves... so quite apt as well as being my fave book growing up.

and Lemon

pony I would suggest giving yourself a real defined break from decision making. you have left. he wants to change, give him time to demonstrate real lasting change.
You did not leave on a whim, it was a difficult decision. let that decision lie for a while, live it.

He needs to demonstrate that he can keep up his new "image" for months not days. I would tell him this too. that you have made your decision, in .......months you will look at the situation again.Make it at least 5-6, I told mine 2 years of sustained change in attitude and behaviour (but that's just me!)

At the end of that time you will know that you can live without him, it's a shock being out of a relationship that has defined so much of you and your time...give yourself time to grieve and to find yourself. you can do this.

big hugs to you.

Hi Fool, thanks for the reply. I've been following your progress as I've been lurking for so long, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, and very much value your perspective - you've come so so far! In a way, I almost wish my H would behave like a total dickhead like your ex, then at least I'd be in no doubt what to do. Your advice makes a lot of sense, I want to take my time, but I'm being pressurised on all sides to make a decision.

Ideally, I'd like to move back home and have him rent somewhere, and we could start things slowly again and see how his counselling goes. But I doubt he'll move out - he's already said that if we're splitting, he's staying put and I can move so his girls (who he sees every weekend) have stability. (Although my solicitor thinks she could get get me back in.) But never mind about my boys (one of whom is his son) needing stability. I don't know what he would say to the suggestion of him moving out if we're not splitting up for definite. In a way, I think I'd be pretty [sceptical] about his commitment to change if he were to refuse to move out, since that would leave me needing to rent somewhere for me and my boys to live in, inevitably a small 2-bed house or a flat, due to affordability, while he swans about our large 4-bed house on his own during the week. Hmmm. Maybe that's something to test the waters with?

pony "stability for his girls" my ar**. He wants to swan about your large 4 bedroomed house on his own during the week. And yes why should he want stability for his girls to visit at weekends, but not care about the stability of the children who are used to living there all the time, including one that's his biologically. Doesn't make sense.

Having said that, I moved out due to exh attitude and I think they got more stability than they would have trying to stay in the house. But only you know what's best as you are not me and your situation is different.

ponyOr maybe he doesn't want to be on his own, he's saying you'll have to leave as a way to make you stay together as a couple? Because renting somewhere will be hard for you, so he hopes you'll come back from your parents to him?

I didn't mean my last post to sound harsh, well harsh to him maybe, not to you.

Hi everyone, I hope you're all well. I've been thinking about you all on here. Hi ponygirl, that book was my obssession when I was around 13 too :)

fool's advice sounds incredibly sound, pony, please don't be rushed into anything. It's perfectly reasonable to say you need some time to consider - to everyone, it's a tough choice. I agree with you, the house situation is telling though.

Mine is still under his cloud. He isn't showing any sign of moving out though, funny that... I told DM, who was saddened but supportive. Kids are being amazingly normal considering their dad's being such a FW and ignoring everyone. I keep asking them, how are you feeling, you know it's not your fault, everyone loves you, etc. I have been looking at possible houses that kids and I could move to while we maybe rent our house with a view to moving back in one day. It's a big move but FWH's fwittery has propelled me somewhat forward, which is good for me, but so hard on the kids.

Hugs to all.

Evening folks and thanks for your kindness.
Today was sad again, like an ache in my chest, but I have been so busy in the sun doing fun things that I forgot it.
I spent the evening doing my sport, and arranging amazing events for the Jubilee that will make the whole of my town happy. Wow!!
When I look at my life it is such fun, so full of friendship and happiness, that I am blessed.

pony I love the name change - you sound lovely!!

lemon: I know what you mean about the furniture. It feels silly and shallow but when I think of all the lovely furniture in the big house that I've made, bought or been given over the years - it really grates! I made him the house that he lives in, and he never lifted a finger to help. I don't want to make massive gaps in the big house (as the children live there half the time) and also, most of the furniture is unsuitable for my small flat. But it still represents the 'home' I made for the 'us' that I feel somewhat robbed of. Of course, he thinks that's entirely my fault/decision, but the furniture thing sticks in the craw somewhat. If I suggested any sort of financial recompense for it, he would either suggest giving me totally unsuitable things (that won't fit) or he would think I was being hugely unreasonable.