Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Big I told you our FWHs were related, I think they are twins!

Tonight I managed to explain haltingly to H that all agreements would have to be made via my solicitor which he was very upset about. He tied me in knots and had me talking gibberish justifying it, until I said "Actually this is why it will be done through Mr Knight, because you scramble my brain and I can't think straight round you" He had to concede it was true!

Actually it looks as though he may be able to buy me out, which would be great for the DC!

And I painted my Big House singlehanded too, even the bannisters. Up a ladder when 34 weeks pregnant stripping wallpaper at 1am, I seem to recall!

Reeling the anger is a healthy stage and you will move on from it, but first you have to feel it fully, let it permeate you and express it however works for you! Write it, shout it, beat it out of a pillow or whatever helps.

I was SO upset/angry with myself that I had allowed H to bend me out of shape and make me such a damaged person, and with him for not knowing any better how to treat his wife and lover. And sorry we had screwed things up, but that came later...

Hmmm yes, I re-roofed a shed while six months pregnant...!

I said to Nice Boy recently: "I've always wanted to build a gazebo but I never could because I had no one to hold the uprights for me! One day I'm going to do that now!" and he couldn't understand why XH wouldn't HELP me with something like that. And well, he MIGHT have done, but he would have been SO angry that I'd asked, stood there angrily while he did it, probably dropped it in anger... etc etc... We were NEVER a team!

He's such an emotional mess now though - so depressed and unhappy, but the flash of a snarl always comes through.

XH still thinks I've lost my mind to have left him. He thinks I am crazy to have broken up the family and left him, when he's such a good person. And sometimes I find myself doubting myself... but then I think: I'm so HAPPY now. Just CALM and NICER. I don't drink myself to oblivion every night. I'm more patient with the children. I'm a better person. I'm HAPPIER.

Yes to all that Big !!
I dug up a tarmac/stone path and laid a foundation for the shed. I bought and erected the greenhouse. I decorated the whole house, cleaned the garden furniture, cleaned out the gutters, unblocked the drains, and fixed up shelves.
The electric drill was MINE all MINE!!

And why would I leave? So that I wasn't always angry and resentful and snide and bitter. So I didnt keep drinking too much just so I could have sex with him. So I could be free to find someone who cares about me as much as the Very Nice Man does in every way. So we could both show our DC what a healthy loving relationship looked like before it was too late!

I haven't lost my temper now for nearly a year, and that was justified my friends tell me!

Really inspirational, LittleHouse and Big, everything you are saying. It's so validating and supportive coming on here - my brains get scrambled, I normalise all the mental torture and God, I want to escape and get the kids out of his clutches too!!!! Then I read an article like today's in which a judge is slamming divorce as corroding society and I think, so which way is up???? Then I see my ds sitting in a position of stress, his hands over his temples because he wants to cover his ears but doesn't dare, while his dad is shouting his homework into his head and slashes a big angry cross and the word "rubbish" over ds's first attempt at the h/w. Surely it will be better for kids out than in this situation?

Oh goodness yes, tryingtoescape, does he really do that to your DS?
That is just awful.

trying the thing you have on your side is time. You can take as long as you like over this because breaking up a family is a huge thing to do. You can observe, read and learn about Abusive men, and read the links above.. Have you read St Lundy's Bible yet "Why does he Do That?" it will open your eyes.

But be aware that the longer you stay the more damaged your poor DS is getting. For him it is more urgent. He only has one childhood.

That judge, no doubt is an older male who has a vested interest in keeping women in place as domestic appliances to service men without complaint. They shouldn't have the temerity to object to being treated badly they should just shut up and get on with their job of making life comfortable for the man in their life. Do we accept that? Bollocks to it!!

trying: He sounds like a total abusive shit. I'm sorry. :(

I saw the article about the judge's comments too and feel guilty and crap. But then he says that marriage should be "endless hard work" and I thought WTF? What's the point in having that sort of relationship? Yes my marriage has been a lot of hard work, mainly because I've always had to look after myself when I'm ill, put up with sulking and anger, etc. etc. I'd rather be single, thanks! If only there was a judge campaigning for women to be stronger and stand up for themselves against bullying, abusive men, then I'd be all for it...

Endless hard work? What are they like. Mine once had the audacity to say to me 'You shouldn't have to work at a marriage, if you do there's something wrong'. What a complete arse.

Trying I can't believe he'd do that to your DS. Kids need all the praise and encouragement they can get, not anger and dismissal. Poor kid

Anyone got a link to that article?

It just shows what our spaghetti head is like if we take that kind of crap on board enough to feel guilty! (but haven't read the actual thing yet)

Feeling renewed, a trusted friend validated my original offer to NCL (narcissitic cock lodger) - or possible DEX (deluded ex).

this one????www.telegraph.co.uk/family/9236673/Judge-warns-against-the-Hello-magazine-approach-to-marriage.html

I don't disagree with him in many ways.
I think that the number of people marrying with unrealistic expectations and then divorcing within a short time actually damages those of us who are divorcing for reasons of abuse. We all get lumped together as "divorcees" and the epidemic of abuse goes undetected, or is trivialised. legislation also works against the children as they are all treated as if "one size fits all" with contact, regardless of the character of the abusive partner.

Helping people to make good relationship choices and to work through the tough times would be an admirable thing so long as abusers can't get into the system and use it to their advantage. After all who of us would have turned down a long term, dedicated relationship with a good man who was prepared to go through the rough and the smooth as a partnership working together??

evening everyone. hope you're all ok.

ermm i've had a bit of a rubbish day and is it ok if I write about it?
I started to write what has been going on but then my parents came into the room. So I am starting again. I am living with my parents after leaving abusive ex and cut a long story short think I'm getting abused by my (mostly mother) parents too.
my outreach worker came to see me this afternoon to discuss the possibility of me going into a refuge. my mum is very anti this idea and when the outreach worker tried to talk to my mum about it today my mum started shouting and saying how no matter what anyone said she would not accept her daughter going into a 'battered womans hostel' is a good idea. my mum said i am crazy, i am selfish. i don't care about my daughter. i am a needy person and am only wanting to go there because then i can have someone else look after me. i said to my mum that i didn't want to talk about it any more and she carried on. i said please stop shouting and saying all this in front of DD and she said 'i don't care'.
we haven't spoken much since but just now my mum and stepdad came in and told me they are giving me a months notice to find somewhere to live and that they have had enough of all the stress and they don't want to know what my plans are.
kind of helped me make up my mind about refuge in a way but my head is a bit scrambled eggish.
:(

Oh sunrise....so sorry. Yup sounds pretty abusive to me.

Sadly lots of us coming out of abusive relationships discover that we have a much longer history of abuse then we thought we did

Refuge's can be great places and especially for the mutual support and DCs often love them (ready made friends!) depends on who is there when you are but it really can't be worse than being made to feel like this can it??

Yeah it's weird because I find myself looking back at my life and it's a like a big puzzle all making sense now. I understand why I have made certain choices and why the same things always seem to happen.

That is one of my biggest worries about the refuge is how it will be for my little girl but hopefully she will be ok and enjoy it. my mum saying today that i am selfish and don't care about my little girl has really hurt because I am trying to do what is best for her. i love her more than words can express and it is so hard to know what to do but i have to give it a go.

sorry if none of this makes sense, feeling a bit yuck.

Makes complete sense including abusive mother having a go at the thing that will hurt you the most [grrrrrowl]

I think this means you can now be classified as homeless by the Local Authority (can anyone confirm this?), so could be a good thing.

Agree it seems a bit like abuse, but she may just be doing what she thinks is best. She may not be old enough to remember what it was like before refuges, and may have an outdated idea of what they are like. I remember a time when women often put up with violence in marriage, I also remember the start of refuges, but then I am nearly 60. Times and perceptions change - or not!

Tis bloody stressful living with parents after adulthood at the best of times.

think you might be right about the homeless thing pink
my mum is nearly 60 too but is very stuck in her ways. whatever she thinks is right is right. just like she told the outreach worker today that she wasn't interested in even hearing about the refuge.
i'm scared but i'm hoping this could finally be the start of new me.

At the start of the refuge movement, it was by far and away women fleeing physical violence. The men sometimes found ways of tracking them down, and turned up violent at a refuge in the middle of the night. It has taken time to get the system working as safely as it can, with much more protection including bureaucratic.

And now MN is helping us who are suffereing EA to realise that, yes, that help is meant for us, too :)

Oh dear sunrise, from one emotionally abusive relationship to another .
Don't worry about your little girl and the Refuge. My son was nearly 3 when we went, and he absolutely loved it. He's an only, and he had this ready-made group of children to play with. Her settled in a lot quicker than I did TBH. Can I just say to those in the area, that the Wellingborough Refuge is amazing. Please consider Refuge, sunrise, they can help so much.

thanks everyone. i am on a waiting list for one and am going to keep trying everyday for another. they said they might have some places at the end of the week. it might not be a refuge as such, because they said they have safe houses where you would be on your own. i think if i don't do this now i never will and this could be my chance to finally be me and do what i think is best.not what someone else has coaxed me into doing.
i am going back to the area where my ex is which seems a bit silly but i thought i might try that before doing a big move to somewhere far away.
my sister lives in the same place my ex does and she has said she will help me and is backing me up on this.

well done sunrise...planning and taking the power back for yourself...that's great!

does any one know about safe houses? It sounds like it might be good but I'm not sure how much help it would be to be all on your own. I'd be worried about feeling isolated where as in a refuge you would have support of other women around you.

sunrise that is great news. There was a thread a few weeks ago from a woman about her experience of a refuge, but I don't know how to do a link. You are being very strong.

I aM really suffering, I am usually so upbeat and strong. But I feel so low, I have a serious disease that flares up and it is causing me a lot if problems at the moment, of course, dp does not 'believe' I am I'll or says it is a 'stick to beat him with,' his arrogance has no bounds.

Anyway, that is beside the point, I am having to make a claim for income support in order to get legal aid and this is a sloooowwww process. So dp is haranguing me, telling me I am dragging my heals and that his df thinks so too, and what they have been saying about me. All irrelevant, I know, but not pleasant to listen to. I said I'd email his df and tell him the truth about it all, cue dp getting really angry and making a lot of threats. I think his df has only dp's version of events and he tells a lot of lies and that may be why he is so keen I do not contact df. I initially told dp I did not think I am eligible for legal aid and he was jumping for joy, telling me it's about time things weren't fair round here! He cannot just think if the DCs and their future. But he has become df of the year, obsessed with them, doing loads with ds and really hands on. For years I have wanted this, of course it seems a complete fake now under these circumstances. It is also really getting to me.

I think that he thinks if he behaves like this now all the other neglect and lack of interest in his family will be forgotten, or that somehow it will make a difference to our arrangements when we split?

He is just being so nasty and venomous, I get the feeling he will only be happy if I end up in the gutter. He spoke to my db who said he is not thinking of DCs at all, is obsessed that I will stop him from seeing them and take all his money, and wants to see me fall on my face. My db said he is playing the victim really we'll and of course the version of events given to db bears scant relation to the truth...

Feels better just to get it out. I am making a plan, I want to maybe do the childminding course so I can stay at home until dd goes to school and maybe afford to stay in our home. Dp is relishing that I may have to go back to work and put the DCs in nursery and end my life of luxury! No thought for his DCs. He also wants to keep the home. I have tried to reason that us splitting, me and DCs moving and then me going back to really stressful job with very long hours, I often did 50-60 hour weeks, while DCs go to nursery after being with me all the time, will be too much for DCs. Dp keeps going in that I think I am like a single mother now, but have no idea what my future holds, I am out if touch after 3 years as a sahm!

I could go on and on, sorry ladies. It is so hard to detach from this abuse....

Good plan..I child mind.

you will get stronger and you will laugh at the idea that you would collapse as a single parent (it's easier without the rubbish from the OH)