Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Excellent sweep. What's it like?

I just read your thread from October. Your DP sound like creep of the highest order. You must be so relieved to be away from all the nasty comments and control freakery. Well done, the only way is up now.

I spent most of mon and tues crying. Have felt more settled today. It's a shock. You know, it's communal living and some of the others are skanky mares!
But I am not on edge any more or walking on egg shells!

Well done sweep. You'll be safe there. And it will get easier to be away I promise. Good luck.

sweep you are astonishingly brave - I hope you find some peace in the refuge - definition of refuge

wow well done sweep! I was just thinking about you earlier actually. You have done it!! I really hope things went ok and you are settling into the refuge alright. How are the kids finding it? keep us updated if you can. sending lots of love xxx

Thinking of you sweep and hoping things settle down for you soon.

I just had an email from FWH after he received a letter from my new Knight in Armour the Kindly Solicitor. He doesn't want to get a solicitor or spend money on legal fees, he wants to agree everything with me informally then run it past our legal advisors "unless there is a good reason".

Well the good reason is that he is a bully and I won't be able to stand up for myself and get a good deal, but if I tell him that I need a solicitor to represent me he will get very angry/hurt.

How shall I sell it to him? Or shall I pass it all to the sol to work out?
I'm all bothered again. He so doesn't like it when things don't go his way!

Camelia my X tried this with me. Please learn from my mistake and do it through a solicitor. My X told me we could work it out ourselves. He presented me with 'all' the paperwork and made me an offer which seemed fair at the time. My DB advised me just to be on the safe side to get a solicitor to check it. She took one look at it and said 'Honestly? You'd settle for that? Please let me help'. So I did. The word 'angry' does not describe how the X was. My fantastic, wonderful solicitor got me over half of everything, more than double what he was offering. I got the last laugh, ha ha ha .

Agree wholeheartedly with Today
Everything through the solicitor.

Thanks today and fingers I know you are right. If even the issue of suggesting he gets a solicitor makes me feel anxious and wobbly and I am so afraid of his displeasure that I can't stand up for myself, then it proves the point. I have been conditioned to agree with him for a quiet life over 28 years and the Kind Knight has spotted that.
I would give away what I am entitled to to avoid upsetting him and that would be wrong for my DC. He can soon earn it all back again!

I just need to come up with a sentence that I can repeat over and over
"I've been advised to do all the negotiating through Mr Knight" or "I don't want to discuss this with you in person please contact my solicitor".

"Never apologise never explain" said Winston Churchill! AArgh. Stiffen up LittleHouse!!

And a few more good Winston quotes to keep us positive:

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

If you are going through hell, keep going

How about "Only Mr. Knight can sort this out now, as I have put everything into his hands, so you need to take it up with him.
non-negotiable 'fait accomplì'; decision that can't be overturned; no longer in your hands; kind of thinking rather than something that can be discussed further?

Can FWH talk direct to Mr Knight if he chooses to? without a solicitor? That would be very interesting! He would try to gain control without a doubt, and would say Mr K was against him (which obviously he would be!!) like all the counsellors we saw. He will never Get It will he?

Fingers were you happy with your deal? I know you said he kept the family home.

pillar thank you, as the last one applies to me and this situation

trying and pink I have also given up booze. I have only had about 3 glasses of wine in about 16 months now. I have relied on alcohol too heavily in times of stress in the past and I know in this situation I need a clear head. Dd is 7 months now and I have not drunk since before her.

Things are terrible here. We tried to talk yesterday and he always descends it into abuse, aggression and lies about me. Now accusing me of saying things to ds to turn him against dp, I would consider that child abuse and would never do that. I do not talk about dp in front of ds in a negative way ever, though fuck knows he'd deserve it. I believe the DCs will, unfortunately, have to learn what he's like themselves. The lies just trip off his Tongue. I am also very I'll with a serious medical condition, which he has always been nasty about and he tells me he does not believe I am I'll, despite me undergoing a medical procedure in hospital this week, he says I cannot be that sick if I am arguing with him. Problem is I try to talk and he spirals and twists it into fight every time.

I have struggles to find a solicitor and if I am eligible for legal aid, women's aid in my area just referred me to the local law centre, no help there. But I thought touring the national helpline and explain and they gave me another crisis number and now i have the numb of a solicitor who may understand this situation. I w going to go to CAB tomorrow to see if Ian eligible for legal aid, I cannot understand the online calculator. But now I have this is solicitor's I am wondering if I should just call them tomorrow instead? Any thoughts?

sweep well done, you are one brave lady. I admire you! And today I want to be where you are now, and little house another strong lady. Keep going, pink'slast quote applies to you too

Hi choozy I'm sorry to hear how hard it is for you. I am at least well out of it in my Little House away from the arguments.

If you have a solicitor recommended why not ring and ask if they do a free 30 minute session at which you can find out whether you qualify for help with costs and outline the problem? I have had two with different firms and they were both useful in different ways.

And your FWH is a Twunt of the worst kind!!

My settlement could be done v smoothly if I would just roll over and give him half. Then I would have to move out of this house and buy another, just don't know if I am up to it.

He was quite cheery last night, because of getting away with not providing the accounts. I said I would put what I remembered he'd told me into mine, and he could challenge. He then said I couldn't submit any more paperwork without applying for permission to court. I said how could I submit accounts without his figures.

I then went right back to abused spaghetti head woman (in the privacy of my bedroom), and spent 3 hours trying to sleep and crying. Rang sols this am, but she's in court today and Fri. Emailed her, she said not to worry, she is sure we have enough info to argue disparity of contribution. He lied on his Form E, saying he gave up a successful business to care for the kids as I couldn't - grrrr - we have called him on that in the questionnaire.

I don't think quickly, wish I hadn't let sol let him get away with it. He submitted self-assessment forms, FFS. Also am not at all sure should have agreed to meeting.

I now officially hate him.

Oh pink it must be so hard to have to share the house with him. I think when they do a Spaghetti number on you initially you feel an emotional mess and ashamed but then you remember this is why you are separating and why you will be better off without them in your life.
It is almost as if my ex has a need to reduce me to a gibbering tearful mess to prove to himself that he is right and I am at fault for everything. If only I would agree to all he says then the world would be perfect (for him).

Why would he think it makes him an attractive prospect? or that anyone would want to live with him when he does that? Has he no insight?

The message seems to be coming through that if I don't do the financial agreement through Mr Kindly Knight then I will regret it forever.

Hi little was I happy with the settlement? Yes, but I might be looking for different things to others.
My children are grown, or almost, and the settlement says that FWH maintains them for all ordinary needs. Extraordinary needs are to be met 75% FWH 25% me.
We each have our own car. I paid for his, now he is paying for mine.
He keeps the house, but most of the capital was put up by his family, and I am more than ok with him keeping it.
Although I have always worked, I have neglected my career and need to build up my earning power.
FWH has cleared my account out twice - it was a joint account, so I need to put aside some savings.
He has been so controlling over money over the years that, for my own mind, I really needed to say that he could take everything and stick it where the sun don't shine. I could not have taken the label of money grubbing bitch, which I know for sure he would have stuck me with.
Will I regret not having a penny to show for for 30 years except a deposit on a small flat in the provinces? Somehow, I don't think I will :)
But, Little FWH was not playing silly buggers at that point. So, to finish this moral novel tale, if your FWH is playing silly buggers, get a solicitor to SQUASH HIM - same goes for you Pink These tossers unfortunates really don't understand any other language.

choozy - I have exactly same thing with FWH accusing me of turning kids against him - it's because my attitude is so much better with them than his, that he can't handle the comparison and so has to make it negative and - guess what - blame me again as always!

Pink - Spagetti head - my God, YES that is such a perfect description of what they fecking do to us. I know I'm right, I know he's an effed up wanker bully, but after his wall of sound, shouting and bullying, I am left going errr, errr, and feeling in the wrong. But now, everytime he bullies me I now think of it as an effing gift because he's edging my mental door to escape open a little bit more.

Thank you, choozy, it is a lovely place to be . I did however put up with 19 yrs of marriage abuse and three and a half yrs of divorce proceedings to get here, but boy is it worth it. And unfortunately there is not much you can do about him using the kids either. Just make yourself a promise not to sink to his level, they are only kids for god's sake, not weapons. He's despicable.
Camelia he doesn't have to get himself a solicitor, he can correspond with yours and represent himself in court, but he would be a fool to do that. Actually, I hope he does do that, because any half-decent solicitor will walk all over him.

Ok, here goes. I type because I've been in a stupid situation. I'm being emotional abused, but I'm embroiled and I'm so messed up, I keep allowing myself to take it. I don't live with him. I don't need to see him. He asks me to. I do it. He says something hurtful. I get upset. It's over. The cycle continues. He might try and get me back. It might be over. I need to take the control from him, and based on today alone, keep my distance.

• I am dressed 'like a tart'
• My shoes are 'horrible'
• Bragging to a friend about a colleague he's 'got off with' and preferring blondes
• Asking for his rent to be paid
• Continuing the pressure for his rent to be paid
• He can't deal with me 'thinking Im an independent person'
• If I'd get my teeth fixed, we'd be together

I need to keep this fresh in my mind.

RKG - you've written it down, that's a good start. Well done.

Have you read any of the books explaining why we end up with these people?

And tell him to go to fuck for asking for this rent to be paid!

And so I go for a cancer scare test this morning and find I'm asking him if he's coming (asked before ages ago, told him the possible outcomes but usual no confirmation of any plans). And he's stompy and really doesn't want to come and wants me to tell him that I want him to come etc. And then he walks in front of me as we go, and he won't look me in the eye and disappears sharp as he can so he doesn't have to look the professionals in the eye. So maybe he's aspergers and can't deal with the emotional content of this but I find I weasel around getting him to come and now he's pleased with himself that he came and I feel I have to be grateful.

How do they do this? I had to hand it to him on a plate, all chopped up nicely for him to be able to stomach 'being supportive'.

I told him that if he didn't do the right thing today next time I would find someone else to take me. The test was clear but then it was straight round to look after my elderly mother and look after her needs (more mindgames there too).