Welcome to the Turning Tavern

[Gay40]

This is a thread for women who unexpectedly (or not) find themselves attracted to another woman.

[Loveisthemessage]

The Tavern is positively buzzing. Love it.

[Loveisthemessage]

Trapped - sounds like your crush is crushing on you big time too and it must be hard when the vibes are so strong. I have to admit my marriage disintegrated after I fell for a woman as I quickly realised I couldn't have the same emotional depth with my ex-husband.
Cats - sounds like you have had a very difficult time but incredible that you have stuck to your guns and stuck by the woman you love. It's sad that some people can't just see that love is an amazing thing whether it's between two women, two men, a man and a woman or a pair of ducks. I think people get put off by the sex factor which is ridiculous as it's such a small part of who you are. That's not to say sex with a woman isn't flipping a-m-a-z-i-n-g.
Polly - I agree 'society has trouble accepting women as sexual beings in their own right'. It's probably because only men are meant to enjoy it. The generic way of viewing sex is very geared towards men's satisfaction and for years women have been faking it in movies etc so the reality gets warped and filters down into everyday life and people start believing that's what sex is about. Deluded really.
It's great that women are having a strong voice - it's time attitudes changed.We need to reclaim our power. Shut me up if I am getting too political.

[Originalplurker]

So is fantasising but women when you are in a straight relationship and always have been the seeds, sorry don't know how else to put it, I guess did/do other women start to turn this way, sorry if that doesn't sound right but.. Oh I don't know.

[Loveisthemessage]

Likea - just want to add something to your earlier post. I think a woman can be turned even though she might have considered herself straight for most of her life. This is my personal experience as I never, ever fancied, had feelings for or fantasised about a woman until I hit my 40s then met one woman who totally changed all that.

[Loveisthemessage]

Plurker - I'm not sure what you mean...?

[Originalplurker]

Nevermind

[Gay40]

I still don't think there's a turning point. I think the desire was always there, but hadn't been acted upon/realised. Just like you cannot make a gay person straight.

[Worldwithwings]

Looks like an interesting discussion. I'm in. I'm not sure where I am with my sexuality, having grown apart from DH and separated last year. I would have questioned my sexual orientation then as I had crushes on women. But maybe it was just ex's emotional distance. Then at the end of my marriage I fell totally in love with a man which astounded me. He isn't free (sooo painful, not sure what the hell happened there) so it's not possible but now I don't know now whether I want a man or a woman or if it even matters. I am going to a gay night on Friday to see how it feels.

It's is nice to feel in good company. Thanks Gay40.

[Dworkin]

Absolutely likea. Sex is always perceived as penetration of a penis as the ultimate act. So those not in possession of a penis cannot possibly have sex with one another. Which is utter nonsense. All unions are the same, all are equal. I'm not a prude, I don't need a good 'seeing' to and I don't need to be 'corrected'. I am what I am.

I think also that with the absence of penetration, intimacy becomes the mainstay.

[sleeplessindenial]

Thanks for the pointer to this thread. I started a thread late last night when I couldn't sleep and have tried to copy and paste the op to here but couldn't work out how so will start again

I am 30ish been in a heterosexual relationship for over 2 years and have 3 children, the youngest is under 1 year old. I have never fancied or been attracted to women before, and I am utterly confused.

I have been chatting to a woman via text and fb for a while now as we have Dec the same age and kept making vague plans to get together, I already knew I liked her as a person as we had spent hours on the phone chatting. Eventually arranged to meet yesterday and we all had a great time.

I didn't expect to feel like I'd been smacked in the face though! She is funny and witty, made me laugh, I find her very attractive, she's interesting and intelligent and I couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about kissing her.

I sent her a message saying I had a good time and I thought she she was really nice and that she should stop worrying about certain things because she is gorgeous (talking about insecurities etc)

She replied saying I was so lovely and she was really looking forward to seeing me again.

As far as I know she is 100% straight which is what I though I was! But I have woken up this morning with butterflies wondering if she has text me.

What the hell is going on?!

she is dps exgf

[pollyblue]

originalplurker do you mean that, if you have sexual fantasies about women, it inevitably leads to feelings for women in real life?

From what I've read (not a lot!) I don't think that's the case - and many of the posters on here considered themselves well and truly straight, no previous feelings or fantasies about women at all - then bam! feel hook line and sinker for a woman.

[pollyblue]

wishing you well sleepless! Am a little bit jealous that it seems to be shaping up nicely....

[Trappedbyacrush]

Loveis well that got me ing. Do you think so? Thing is, I can't even entertain such ideas, as I'll get carried away by them. And I'm really trying hard not to despite logging on to this thread all the time . Her actions could just be friendship-driven though, I get the feeling she's a very 'forward' person - more action than words, and if she wants something she'll go out and get it. I think she's puzzled by me though because I'm so reserved, and more so with her than most people. Literally she would have to drag my true feelings out of me unless I was pissed. Speaking of which, she did seem intent on plying me with gin on a recent night out .

Anyway, she's happily married. So I'm quite sure her motives are innocent. Did I ever mention that she and her dh are like a golden couple, with a v glam lifestyle? Call me superficial, but no way would she want to lose 'all that'. Mind you, I've no intention of letting go of my life either. Yes Loveis, it's certainly a difficult, weird and tricky situation.

(Off to whip myself now to purge myself of the guilty indulgence of sitting here having written and thought about all this while ignoring my dses and while dh is working hard for us in another country this week).

[Trappedbyacrush]

On the subject of fantasies - most of my sexual ones are purely hetero. I don;t really fantasise about sleeping with this woman, more getting close to her in an intimate way, which could be physical, but not necessarily sexual (although I'd probably quite happily give it a go if I were able to!)

[sleeplessindenial]

I am so tempted to tell her that I cannot be friends with her anymore, she will think I am some weirdo and never want to see me again. It is just such a difficult situation with her being dps ex and she has talked about boyfriends etc

I think she is just a very nice person, she did text me thanking me for a lovely day and saying I was so easy to be around.

It's so strange, I look at photos of he on fb and don't think she is an especially attractive person, just a normal woman but in person attractiveness radiates off her.

I am sitting on my hands to stop myself texting or calling her

[Trappedbyacrush]

sleepless I think it would be a mistake to tell her you don;t want to be friends. I would let things cool off a bit. I have had crushes in the past, on men and (mostly) other women, and they have sometimes faded quite quickly. Next week you may find yourself wondering what on earth you saw in this woman, or at least chuckling to yourself that while she's fit etc you just don;t see her in that way any more. I have to admit that a lot of a crush is about the mystery surrounding that person, so perhaps as you get to know her more, you will see that she is mortal, and normal. And who knows, perhaps she'll have a big bogey up her nose [puerile emoticon].

[sleeplessindenial]

She wants to meet up again soon, with the dc and also just the two of us for a night out and she has invited me swimming with her too.

You are right, it will probably wear off pretty quickly, I hope so because I have a lot to lose (she is single)

I really do wish I hadn't gone yesterday as I am now questioning my whole relationship.

[beentheresoldthetshirt]

I went skiing about 13 years ago .. was with my husband but I didn't love him anymore and was biding my time to leave (we'd married young and grown apart) .. anyway we were there with a friend and a crowd of her friends who we hadn't met before .. this girl Katy (we'll call her) just seemed to be really hanging on my every word and would stand really close when we talked .. and just gave off 'I'm interested in you' vibes .. anyway the last night of the holiday there was a big night out and Katy and I ended up snogging in the loos (for hours!!) We told my husband that I had had too much to drink and had been sick and she was looking after me

After the holiday we kept in touch and she came to visit and we had sex .. and a month or two later I got offered a job near where she lived .. I arranged to meet up with her but she bottled it and I never heard from her again and when I tried to call (once) she wouldn't take my call :(

Later that year I left my DH and then met a well known lesbian from my former work place (Call her Kate) .. We ended up going out and Kate told me that I was perfect in every way and not like her selfish ex - anyhow - she totally gave me the runaround - was disappearing off to see the 'selfish' ex all the time ... lying , phoning me at 4am .. a whole load of drama. I put up with it for 6 months and decided it was more hassle than it was worth

I think I always had the idea in my head that going out with a woman would be like going out with someone like me .. someone who was honest (Katy was first and only indiscretion) and straighforward and that wasn't the case. I thought I might go out with a woman again but was told that I seemed too 'Hettie' (heterosexual) when out at gay clubs etc

Went out with blokes after that ... but just wanted to share my experience

[Loveisthemessage]

Trapped - I believe if there is a vibe - be it with a male or a female - there is a vibe. Chemistry innit. I don't want to play devil's advocate but I will I think people can be happily married (ie content or whatever) but if you have a vibe or flirtation with someone it's triggering something, a longing perhaps, on a deeper level. I thought I was ok in my marriage but realise now there was something important missing - a real understanding and deep connection that went beyond the security and comfort of being in a longterm r-ship. Some people say that women who are drawn to other women are not understood properly by their mothers therefore crave that emotional profundity and nurturing that maybe only another woman can offer. I'm not sure if that's true but I do think women can understand each other very well. Men bless them can be quite simplistic and can detach from their feelings more perhaps.
I am fascinated by this whole "turning" issue. How are we defining it - as the point of no return or a temporary switch or maybe it's not so easy to pin down as we are all such complex beings.
Sleepless - I think you have to go with the flow on this one. Things will take a natural course one way or another. Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. You are attracted to someone and she is probably attracted to you. It's also good to question things as you get to grips with who you really are and what you really want from your life. Who knows, it might end up bringing you closer to your husband in the end.

[Loveisthemessage]

Oh dear my strikethroughs didn't work and have been underlined instead. V annoying

[Loveisthemessage]

Beenthere - sounds like you didn't have a great experience. Shame Katy didn't stick around. I think it really boils down to the person's personality as obviously there are shifty, dishonest women as well shifty, dishonest men.

[AllotmentFreak]

Loveis...... you said Some people say that women who are drawn to other women are not understood properly by their mothers therefore crave that emotional profundity and nurturing that maybe only another woman can offer

Absolutely spot on. is it only me or does this apply to some of you posting here too? This is the first time I've heard this said/written.

Luckily in my current relationship with DP he is very deep in an emotional level which I've never had from a man before.

[sleeplessindenial]

I would agree with the mother statement.

We have arranged to meet on Friday. I DID get a few flickers of interest but don't know if I was imagining.

I did say when I met her that I had been nervous and felt like I was on a date ( in a jokey way) and she laughed and said she felt the same.

There is quite a big age gap though.

I am feeling stupid even thinking about any of this, I would be mortified if she ever suspected,

[Trappedbyacrush]

Loveis and Allotment - actually that point has almost brought tears to my eyes! Much as I love my mother, and much as she loves me, there is a very limited emotional connection there. In fact, funnily enough, when I came out to her as 'possibly bisexual' (I was angry at her attitude towards it even though I'm sure she had a girl crush on one of her friends once, but that's another story), she was withering in her response, which disappointed me hugely.

I think I've always been looking out for 'a twin' and have never found it through female friendships. I have lots of friends but find it hard to get close to people as I've been hurt in the past, so while I can seem quite wild and fun, I am also very detached and aloof when it comes to close friendships. Probably my own worst enemy really!

[Trappedbyacrush]

Dh is the only person who come near to knowing me properly - but even he doesn't know things about me (such as my trips to the Turning Tavern, and the reasons behind them!)