We can't even get through the weekend without fighting

[neepsntatties]

Dh works away at the moment, home at weekends. We had visitors this weekend and it was great, first time things have felt fun and happy in ages. After they were gone dh was packing and discovered his trousers were crumpled in his bag. His response to this was to shout for me, blame me, ignored that I said I hadn't done it, order me to iron them (I refused) ordered me again (I walked away). I then went down stairs to sort out washing. He shouted to know what I was doing and he said good because it was about time I did job and that I need to start ironing his work clothes. I continued to deny crumpling his trousers, he kept saying it was me. I went to bed and he pottered around the room saying I was a flat mate not a wife and that I need to stop doing shitty theatre (my job) and that he should punch me in the face and tell me to do the ironing.

This morning I feel done in. Today is the 2 year anniversary of losing my Dad. Thursday is our ten year wedding anniversary. I hate the way he speaks to me. I also have some doubts, maybe I did put his trousers in the bag, I don't remember doing it though and even if I did I didn't deliberately crumple them.

My own parents didn't get on so no good references for a healthy relationship but I feel that it isn't normal to argue like this. It feels really nasty.

Wow. And I thought my dh was difficult. That's horrendous. Its only a bloody pair of trousers!! What stops him sorting his own clothes out if its that important to him! I don't think I could be with someone who treated me like that. Its very abusive. He sounds horrible! Sorry op.

It is really nasty. In what loving caring equal relationship does one partner threaten to punch the other in the face and order them to do the ironing?

If you want your relationship to carry on he needs to get some form of anger management and counselling to address his vile behaviour. If he refuses I would consider leaving the relationship as he thinks he is in the right to treat you this way.

Walking away and not engaging is the best you can do or I think he would escalate. And ignoring his commands is good in my opinion you are not his slave you are his wife.. He can pick up an iron himself.

Not very useful sorry. Good luck.

That's definitely a gross overreaction for something as trivial as crumpled trousers. You don't need to have had a good example from parents to know that it's not acceptable behaviour within a supposedly loving relationship. If you met a total stranger today and they started shouting, belittling your job, demanding you iron their clothes and then threatened to punch you, would you think that was normal and proportionate??

I should add he does do the ironing, that is why he was so annoyed. If he is angry it is really horrible though and he is really nasty. Oh also I don't cook which is an issue for him too. I don't mean ever but I can only do basics so if we had guests he would cook. He is from a different culture and often says things about me being a proper wife and that I am lucky to have someone who puts up with me.

Hi neep, your dh is deeply abusive. There is no way that whether or not you put the trousers in the bag is in any way relevant. Please try to find some help from somewhere, so that you can be happy. From what you have described, it doesn't sound as if your h has any self awareness. People like this only change if they own up to their problem and go through extensive counselling on their own. I wish you all the best and please keep posting as other people will have better advice.
Please don't give up your theatre job, how dare he call it shitty. Women's aid can advise you on how to get away from someone who tells you they are going to punch you in the face .

Doesn't matter what 'culture' he's from, he is treating you very badly. As he'll find out should you ever get divorced and claim half his possessions, you are as 'proper' a wife as it gets. And it's not 'luck' that's landed you with such a nasty, condescending man... quite the opposite.

That is a good way of putting it cogito I might say that to him. I won't see him for 2 weeks now and apart from the stress of being alone with the kids I just feel relieved.

He does a good job of making me feel like I am crap. I am rubbish at cooking etc, we have hardly had sex since dd was born and tbh I struggle with it a bit due to some past issues so I think who else would put up with me. The main thing that makes me think that we should separate is the kids. I don't want them around this.

If he had asked you nicely to iron the trousers (without blaming you in the first place) would you have gone and done it?

See that is what a non-abusive partner would have done

Think you'd be better off on your own!

Yes I probably would, was pottering around getting the house sorted anyway.

We have debts. I don't think I can do much until they are gone. In August I return to work full time, things will be easier for me then. I am really glad for this board as I have no one to talk to.

The phrase you're looking for is 'emotional abuse'. The classic techniques are withdrawal of affection, belittling efforts/hopes/skills, suggesting that 'no-one else would want you', 'you're lucky to have me', rages about trivia alternated with kind treatment.... It's all designed to keep you on your toes, worried about what to say or do for the best, frightened to put a foot out of line, uncertain. They often select people who already have low self-esteem from past experiences like an unhappy childhood or a previously abusive relationship.

Who else would put up with you?.... You, of course. You and your children could be a perfectly functioning family living, as you do when he's away, very nicely in peace and quiet. I bet you'd even start to enjoy cooking. :) Good luck

BTW... don't let financial problems hold you back. Let him deal with the debts after you've gone.

He doesn't want an equal partner, he wants a 'proper wife', i.e a domestic skivvy who will also suck his cock when he feels like it.

That's the long and short of it.

NDT couldn't agree more, a slave in fact

Is he stressed about his job? Does he feel like he is overworked? He is looking for a SAHM. You two need to see if you can sort out the division of labour within your family unit. Would he be happy for example, for you to work, and then employ someone to iron, cook , clean , wash windows or whatever?
Obviously this does not excuse him threatening you, shouting at you etc.

The debts might ease once you've got rid of him and can claim tax credits/benefits. Anyway debt is no excuse to stay.

I am a SAHM, and do not do ironing, when DH has occasionally asked (usually his dress shirt) I might do it as a favour. Maybe if he wasn't so controlling you would dare to try to cook.

When he's gone is it as if a huge weight has lifted from the house? Are the kids quieter when he is there, could this be because they are trying not to annoy Daddy?

I would suggest getting some advice, CAB, a free half hour from a solicitor, and Women's Aid, sound like good places to start. At least you don't have to see him for two weeks.

Telling someone they aren't a proper wife and that they are lucky to have him isn't due to stress or overwork. It's due to hard-core puffed-up arrogance. Yes he probably would like some meek SAHM type that skivvies around after him feeling grateful that he allows her to be in his presence. Suggesting they get domestic staff is missing the point entirely... .

I think I am right in saying that there still many cultures that still expect a SAHM.

I work part time, going full time in August. I had mentioned getting a cleaner actually be he said no way. I've already decided that if I am alone during the week and I am working full time I am getting one and not telling him.

He is a cunt.

Leave him.

Wow! He treats you with no respect! I can't see him ever changing, can you?

@amillionyears... so what if there are? When it comes to the way men treat women, 'culture' is often just an excuse for bullying misogynistic behaviour passed off by the ignorant as traditional. In Britain in 2012 it's no excuse.

Cognito, are you then just saying that all women in Britain who are currently married to men from different cultures, and find that their cultures clash, should leave their partners?

If the culture is somehow condoning ideas of women as second-class people, unequal, inferior or being mistreated & denied independence then yes of course any self-respecting woman should leave such men. Are you saying the opposite???

OP, has it always been like this?or has something changed recently (you?ve been married for ten years, right?)? Either way, you know this can't go on like this, for your sake and the kids. What do you actually want to do: try to work things out with your husband, or make a go of it alone?