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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We can't even get through the weekend without fighting

82 replies

neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 09:09

Dh works away at the moment, home at weekends. We had visitors this weekend and it was great, first time things have felt fun and happy in ages. After they were gone dh was packing and discovered his trousers were crumpled in his bag. His response to this was to shout for me, blame me, ignored that I said I hadn't done it, order me to iron them (I refused) ordered me again (I walked away). I then went down stairs to sort out washing. He shouted to know what I was doing and he said good because it was about time I did job and that I need to start ironing his work clothes. I continued to deny crumpling his trousers, he kept saying it was me. I went to bed and he pottered around the room saying I was a flat mate not a wife and that I need to stop doing shitty theatre (my job) and that he should punch me in the face and tell me to do the ironing.

This morning I feel done in. Today is the 2 year anniversary of losing my Dad. Thursday is our ten year wedding anniversary. I hate the way he speaks to me. I also have some doubts, maybe I did put his trousers in the bag, I don't remember doing it though and even if I did I didn't deliberately crumple them.

My own parents didn't get on so no good references for a healthy relationship but I feel that it isn't normal to argue like this. It feels really nasty.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 11:27

I am sorry for what happened to you PooPoo.
I would also say to the op, to be aware that it is not unknown for children in these situations to be at slight risk of kidnap? I dont want to alarm you but I noticed that your husband works away for two weeks at a time, is it back into his own culture?

Original poster

neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 11:29

No in this country. Baby has no passport but my Ds does. I have thought about hiding it in the past. I don't think he would do it but it has crossed my mind.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 11:33

"I wouldnt throw in the towel yet."

I feel quite sorry for you. Because if you think 'one hit' is acceptable and escaping an unhappy abusive relationship is 'throwing in the towel' you are in grave danger of being taken advantage of at some point.

Someone does not have to be physically assaulted to be terrorised the way the OP is terrorised. Keeping a woman cowed and obedient through psychological bullying is horrible behaviour and it's sadly, very common.

LyssaM · 09/04/2012 11:49

Did you manage to continue your course?

I've been thinking about you a lot and worrying. Please just keep posting, and perhaps put in place a fuck you plan to get out and be safe if you can't make it work.

And it won't work if the problems are only being dealt with by one person.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 12:21

Yes i think you should hide the passport.

Someone on another thread said that there is something you can do to stop your husband applying for new passports for your children. I can't remember what it was, perhaps if anyone reading knows or can remember what thread it was they could link.

I can imagine the anxiety. I can REMEMBER the anxiety, its awful and no way to live. You don't deserve it and shouldn't be having to put up with it.

He's using you as a verbal and emotional punchbag. That's going to be taking its toll.

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 12:27

Cognito, Ive been married for 24 years. Im running out of time to be in grave danger.
op may be able to find a way to manage his behaviour.I agree it does need his help and co-operation.I agree she shouldnt have to manage it, but the op is starting from the point she is at now.
I did not say any hits are acceptable.
Can I ask Cognito, are you married?Im guessing you dont agree with marriage at all.
neeps, if you want us all to stop posting on here now, feel free to tell us all to stop.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 12:29

I just read where you said he used to prevent you from leaving the room. My abusive ex did that as well, he liked to have the control over where i was i suppose. No one has the right to do that though, even in the middle of an argument you have the right to walk away. No one should force you to stay and argue or listen to their abuse. My ex used to say it was for my own safety because i tried to leave the house. It was dark out and he would say i might get attacked . . . well i might get attacked staying with him as well!

Have you managed to do the courses you wanted to do or has he stopped that. Did you say he belittles your job?

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 12:33

Amillionyears.

I don't think that not agreeing with marriage and thinking the op shouldn't put up with this behaviour are related. How did you come to that conclusion from what cog has said?

Original poster

neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 12:55

I am still doing it but it is a huge source of tension and I can't wait for it to be done. He's very resentful of it even though it has been very important to me. He has no interest in supporting my career, wants me at home or at work.

He just called and said sorry but then said it didn't matter. I don't think he understands my problem with the way he handles things.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 12:58

PooPoo,I thought you would respond next. I realise you come in when Cognito gets stuck on what to say.
Cognito, I am going to agree to differ with you.
neeps, look after yourself , good luck .
Over and out.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 13:05

Amillionyears. I come in because i don't understand your reasoning.

Believing in marriage doesn't mean a person should put up with disgraceful behaviour.

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 13:08

Sorry PooPoo if I have got it wrong about you.
Over and out.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 13:16

What is the course if you don't mind of asking? Why is he resentful? Is it because he has to look after the kids?

If he doesn't understand how you don't like the way handles things perhaps you should put it in writing? It can be hard to get across how you feel with someone who is going to shout you down, who doesn't really listen and will get angry.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 13:23

It's a post grad certificate in physical theatre. I go away one weekend a month. I love it. He hates it. Doesn't want to be left with the kids as he says he has things to do.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/04/2012 14:33

Neeps your post about doing the washing and feeling scared is so sad. You don't need to live like that.

I do very much believe in marriage, but I also believe that when you marry you agree to respect one another, fully and completely. That includes being kind to one another and it definitely means never ever threatening one another. If one person breaks that agreement then it is sensible for the other person to walk away. Staying in a marriage where someone stands in the way of all your dreams, makes you frightened and threatens you is foolish IMO. That is NOT respecting marriage, it's allowing one nasty person to take advantage of the sanctity of the marriage vows in the worst way by using marriage as an excuse to hold onto someone and abuse them.

whereismywine · 09/04/2012 14:39

Oh neeps sending you a hug. I wanted to tell you this. You ARE amazing and there are many many many lovely men out there that WOULD 'put up' with you, better still they would love you unconditionally and you deserve that. Six years ago I was in a relationship where my ex used that line with me so often, I actually believed it. No other man would find you attractive but I do, no other man would put up with your boring conversation/wobbly bum/ and so on and so forth. It is a very powerful tool and essentially is about controlling and his own insecurity, I think. It keeps you lacking in confidence and where you are. I too was threatened with punches and stopped from leaving rooms and after a long time, this got worse and increasingly physical but I always thought it was my fault for being a crap, unattractive girlfriend.

One day someone said to me, as I finally confided, that I deserved to be with someone who loved every hair on my body, and that she and that and everyone should have. Of course I couldnt imagine that meant me. That lovely person helped me to leave. Leaving was hard and horrible and different for me, we didn't have children. And now, six years on, I'm married to someone who thinks I'm lovely just as I am. There are wonderful men out there who will appreciate and marvel at your wonderfulness - you deserve this. You deserve someone who finds your cooking skills endearing and who wouldn't bat an eyelid at crumpled trousers.

Fnding ways out of these things, or fixing them, if that's what you want and need, is a long road. I think mn is a good place to start and there are lots of great suggestions here of how you might access further support. Bu know that being spoken to like this and feeling the way you do, is not right. And you can change things x

NettleTea · 09/04/2012 19:15

The thing you can put on the passport is called a caveat.
you call the passport office in Belfast and they will give you an address to write to, explaining the situation. then you make sure that you keep the passport somewhere safe - send it to your family to look after. It prevents anyone apart from you getting a new passport for your child, claiming that the ol;d one has been lost/destroyed.
i know it works because when we applied for a new passport for DD, we applied for one for DS as well, and he has a different surname. That was enough to trigger an alert, and they rung to check that it was me who was ordering it, even though it was to my address.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 19:46

Ooh the course sounds good!

I knew someone would know about the passport, thanks nettle. Id do that if i were you op.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 22:08

Thanks for today. He said sorry again but with more but you shoulds added so pointless. Says he gets angry. Told him he needs to deal with it without getting abusive. I am away this weekend on my course and I can't imagine that he won't have a go at me about that at some point.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 23:09

So he's not really taking responsibility for his actions at all then. What on you think you're going to do?

If it were me i don't think i could deal with the general attitude towards the roles you are expected to play. The other stuff must be really horrible and stressful. I remember the general feeling of anxiety and unease very well

Gill2502 · 09/04/2012 23:31

So been there with the horrible behaviour, I also have the kids to consider & it's so difficult to imagine changing things. You sound strong & thank god you have a job to go to, I haven't worked for 18 years as always been supporting husbands jobs, kids etc & now I feel so trapped, there is no way out for me. When I go to bed at night I pull off my wedding ring & then at least I am free until morning. If you can leave him, before it's too late & you end up like me, 46 yrs old & broken. Good luck

Original poster

neepsntatties · 10/04/2012 01:44

Oh Gill you sound so sad, is there really no way out for you? I am very thankful for my job. There was a time where I did not work and it was worse then.

I don't know what I will do. He seems to know he has issues with anger but doesn't seem to want to take action to change. I miss the person he used to be or maybe he was always this way and I didn't notice or maybe I have changed.

OP posts:

Gill2502 · 10/04/2012 12:56

He was probably like that all along, mine used to be lovely too. It's like living with Jekyll & Hyde. They don't change, really it only gets worse. DH is I think very insecure & no amount of reassurance can change such an attitude. Make plans for yourself & you're kids whilst you're able too, & hold onto that job. Friends tell me there are kind men out there, so maybe you'll get lucky and find one, remember you deserve it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 13:04

He doesn't have an anger problem, neeps. He has an abuse problem: he uses his anger as a tool to get him what he wants.

DairyNips · 13/04/2012 11:35

Just marking my place do I can read this easier on the app (Dalrymps here)

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