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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We can't even get through the weekend without fighting

82 replies

neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 09:09

Dh works away at the moment, home at weekends. We had visitors this weekend and it was great, first time things have felt fun and happy in ages. After they were gone dh was packing and discovered his trousers were crumpled in his bag. His response to this was to shout for me, blame me, ignored that I said I hadn't done it, order me to iron them (I refused) ordered me again (I walked away). I then went down stairs to sort out washing. He shouted to know what I was doing and he said good because it was about time I did job and that I need to start ironing his work clothes. I continued to deny crumpling his trousers, he kept saying it was me. I went to bed and he pottered around the room saying I was a flat mate not a wife and that I need to stop doing shitty theatre (my job) and that he should punch me in the face and tell me to do the ironing.

This morning I feel done in. Today is the 2 year anniversary of losing my Dad. Thursday is our ten year wedding anniversary. I hate the way he speaks to me. I also have some doubts, maybe I did put his trousers in the bag, I don't remember doing it though and even if I did I didn't deliberately crumple them.

My own parents didn't get on so no good references for a healthy relationship but I feel that it isn't normal to argue like this. It feels really nasty.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 09/04/2012 10:29

Cognito,you are saying that women can never work these issues out with their men. You are saying women are not bright enough and capable enough to do this.

CailinDana · 09/04/2012 10:30

amillionyears, there is a big difference between a genuine culture clash and abusive, bullying behaviour. If an adult has expectations then it's up to them to state them in a respectful, kind manner. There is never an excuse to shout at your partner or threaten them, no matter what culture you're from.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:31

I have seen so many threads on here recently where the cultural differences cannot be overcome.

It does make me wonder how these marriages started. Whether expectations were realised or discussed. Did those involved not realise or did they think it would all work out in the end?

This probably isn't the place to discuss it though so maybe a new thread would be a good idea.

CailinDana · 09/04/2012 10:33

PooPoo, I think it's not really a matter of cultural differences, when it comes down to it. I would imagine the OP's husband has been abusive on a low level for quite some time but she has put up with it because she truly believes the "no one else will have you" bullshit he throws at her.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 10:34

Of course that's not what I'm saying. If a man from a particularly misogynistic cultural tradition rejects it utterly and treats his female partner as his equal and does not expect her to compromise her independence then it can work. But if, like the OP's husband, he falls back on tired old excuses of 'tradition' then I think, no matter how 'bright' or 'capable' the woman is, she is wasting her time.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:34

Amillionyears. I don't think cog is saying women aren't bright enough to sort out the problems at all! Where did you get that from!?

And why is it the women's job to sort out the problems!?

Original poster
neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 10:35

The last 2 years have been bad. Difficult times for us financially, second baby , I have lost 3 family members, he was finishing a degree and his family had problems too so lots of stress for us both.

I don't know what I want really. I want to be with someone who makes me feel special I suppose and when he is in one of his moods I want to be on my own.

I am wondering about trying to move closer to family for some support. It would depend on me finding a job though.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 09/04/2012 10:35

I don't think you should wait to leave. Go to Entitled To and find out what you could get on benefits:

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

I think his talk of 'I should punch you in the face' is deeply worrying and you should get out before he actually does hurt you.

It doesn't matter if he is from a different culture. That might help explain why he thinks he can treat you so badly, but it is not a reason for you to stay.

Original poster
neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 10:39

I think things changed a lot once we had kids. There were some clashes before but we were free to do what we wanted. Now the kids are here the default position has been that I am responsible for the childcare and if he has to look after them it annoys him. The clash has come in me fighting to do things like courses and stuff.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 10:40

"It does make me wonder how these marriages started."

In the case of a friend who married someone from an Arab state he was quite modern and western in outlook - they lived in the UK - until they had children. Then all the 'traditional' expectations came to the fore and he became totally unreasonable about expecting her to stay home, bring up children, cook, clean etc.etc. She refused of course, it got very nasty and they broke up.

I don't think it's exclusive to foreign cultures, of course. An alarming number of home-grown men decide they want nothing to do with housework and childcare when it looks like they'll have to shift themselves..

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:43

Dana. I am by no means saying that all men of certain cultures are abusive but i think there are cultures where the expectations of women are rather incompatible with our own, unless of course the man rejects the way his culture expects men to treat women or the woman is happy to take his culture on. I think when there are huge basic differences something or someone has to give.

From what i see, some people seem to marry for love without considering the differences and how it is going to work.

Saying that though i do think there are cultures where the man has the right to beat his wife so in those cultures it wouldn't be considered abusive at all and would just be normal.

Original poster
neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 10:46

He says things like that a lot. Often as a 'joke'. There was a horrible period after Ds was born where he would prevent me from leaving the room if I tried when we were arguing but he hasn't done that for years now. I hate the talk of him punching me though, it's really unpleasant.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 09/04/2012 10:46

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel special (everyone does). Kids do change things, but it sounds as if the problems here run deeper than that.

What sort of environment do you want your children to grow up in? Because as things stand, it doesn't seem very healthy at the moment. whether you can sort things out, I don't know, but good luck.

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 10:48

neepsntatties, Im sorry you are having such a difficult time. Do you think the issues with your husband are cultural and he is treating you like this because of his tradition, or would he be like this anyway?
Cognito, am I right in thinking that you dont think men can change?
PooPoo, if you look back further to my earlier posts, I said the two of them together need to try and work things through

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:48

Cog. I can imagine that, the traditional expectations becoming more obvious once children arrive.

Does it not get discussed before hand though, what they will expect the roles they each take on will be, once they have children.

Cog your most is almost exactly how the op has described it, with it changing when children came along.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:51

Neep. Poor you. It sounds like he has firm ideas and you want your freedom like any other woman in this country. I honestly can't see how you can get past it, especially when he treats you so disrespectfully. You should never have to listen to anyone saying they should punch you in the face.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 10:51

"Cognito, am I right in thinking that you dont think men can change?"

I think that if you marry something that looks like a swan and then discover it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck..... it's a duck. IME People (any gender, any background) rarely change.

Original poster
neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 10:53

We didn't discuss it. I never felt that things were unequal before so I never thought about discussing it. I also had no idea how hard being a parent would be so the whole thing was a shock.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:53

Amillionyears. I think when one is threatening the other with violence it is beyond sorting out together.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 10:54

Neep. Parenting came as a huge shock to me as well so i can only imagine how it must be for you with so little support.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2012 10:55

I think if you left him, you'd find the problem with your finances would change. You would be entitled to rent and other benefits to help you get back on your feet.

He sounds absolutely vile. I wouldn't be able to think of one reason to stay with someone who talked about punching me in the face. In the face, ffs! Talk about putting a mark of ownership on a person.

Ten years is enough to show you've tried to make something work. Think of your dad - I'm so sorry you lost him, but think of how he'd feel if he knew someone was threatening to punch his daughter in the face.

Just wondering, actually, whether your husband has felt more free to say things like that now that you don't have a dad around.

dreamingbohemian · 09/04/2012 11:04

You shouldn't have to put up with this -- not at all. And you are right to worry about the effect on your DC. How old are they now?

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 11:05

Cognito, I agree that they rarely change, but I wouldnt throw in the towel yet.
And PooPoo, not then necessarily either.
And not even after one hit necessarily.My run to the hills time would be after the second.I hope I never have to find out.

At the moment, neeps DH has not actually hit her. And I agree there are deep divisions here.

PooPooInMyToes · 09/04/2012 11:05

I had an ex who told me once that he had suspected his ex girlfriend of being unfaithful, in fact she was just in touch with an male friend of hers and he felt that was as bad as being unfaithful. He told me that knowing this gave him the right to punch her.

He didn't but he did punch me. Many times.

I think you really have to listen to what someone tells you about themselves. He is telling you that he thinks it is an ok thing to do. Part of you probably thinks, oh but he wouldn't actually do it! He is telling you that it is on his mind, that he thinks he could, would, should. Listen to that. Don't just dismiss it as talk.

Original poster
neepsntatties · 09/04/2012 11:22

That is chilling to read poo. I don't think he would hit me. The anxiety is terrible though when he is in a bad mood. Last night when I was sorting out the washing I remember thinking I was scared because I knew you was going to keep being horrible to me and there was nothing I could do.

OP posts: