We can't even get through the weekend without fighting

[neepsntatties]

Dh works away at the moment, home at weekends. We had visitors this weekend and it was great, first time things have felt fun and happy in ages. After they were gone dh was packing and discovered his trousers were crumpled in his bag. His response to this was to shout for me, blame me, ignored that I said I hadn't done it, order me to iron them (I refused) ordered me again (I walked away). I then went down stairs to sort out washing. He shouted to know what I was doing and he said good because it was about time I did job and that I need to start ironing his work clothes. I continued to deny crumpling his trousers, he kept saying it was me. I went to bed and he pottered around the room saying I was a flat mate not a wife and that I need to stop doing shitty theatre (my job) and that he should punch me in the face and tell me to do the ironing.

This morning I feel done in. Today is the 2 year anniversary of losing my Dad. Thursday is our ten year wedding anniversary. I hate the way he speaks to me. I also have some doubts, maybe I did put his trousers in the bag, I don't remember doing it though and even if I did I didn't deliberately crumple them.

My own parents didn't get on so no good references for a healthy relationship but I feel that it isn't normal to argue like this. It feels really nasty.

Oh neeps i really feel for you. I have to be honest, I have thought for quite a while that the way he treats you isn't right. Obviously I didn't want to be poking my nose in or judging but as you are saying yourself you're not happy I just wanted you to know your feelings are right. You shouldn't be happy with this because he is behaving in a way that is emotionally abusive

Please believe me that there is a better life out there for you. You can definitely find someone that will treat you a lot better and who you will feel relaxed and happy with. Tbh even being on your own would be preferable to being anxious and in a tense environment.

It scares me that he has mentioned punching you. I know you are convinced he never would but you have to consider the possibility it might get to that level. As the other poster said, he is letting you know he thinks that punching you is acceptable and that it has crossed his mind.

I know the kids are your main concern, I agree with you that they shouldn't be growing up in this environment. It's not a good example of how a man should treat a woman at all. Not for your ds or your dd

Having said that, your happiness is just as important too and my advice would be the same even if you didn't have dc together. I think you need to think about how to go about separating. I think the idea of moving closer to family for support might be a good option.

The way he speaks to you isn't normal or acceptable in a marriage. You deserve more. Please remember we're all here for you ((hugs))

Thanks, I need to get my head around the finances that is probably my first step. It almost doesn't feel real to me, I often feel like I am being overly dramatic.

He often talks about hitting me or makes jokes about domestic violence. Posting here is helpful and hard because it is painful to think that he might be emotionally abusive. I don't think he is bad person, he had a shit childhood and hasn't dealt with it but I know that is not an excuse.

He talks about hitting you.

A shit childhood does not absolve anyone of the choices they make as adults. And he chooses to say these things to you.

I think in part he says it to wind me up as he knows I feel strongly about these things. He wants to pick an argument so he looks for stuff that will get a response.

what delightful motives.

Aw neeps. You don't have to think of him as a bad person. To be honest it doesn't matter if he is or not. What matters is how he treats you. Domestic violence should never be joked about, even the mere mention of it has to make you feel anxious and unsure on some level as to how far he would go. It is a form of control.

I would really look in to what you're entitled to if you were on your own. Look on the gov website, there's a tax credits calculator and speak to CAB if you can.

My dh isn't perfect, neither am I, but he would never speak to me like your has to you about crumpled trousers it's just so wrong It's not loving or respectful. The discouraging of your ambitions and lack of help with the children is also terrible. You should be a team, not him making your life as difficult as possible.

Interesting that you say things seemed good when you had visitors. This shows that he can be nice if he wants to be. He chooses to treat you like shit (and that is what he's doing) to control you and get his own way.

There is a mumsnet truism. Believe what a man says which definitely applies to the negative things. If he says he will hit you (especially if he says it more than once or without a horror of what he said immediately following) then believe him.