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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family dilemma.................

28 replies

lemonstartree · 06/02/2006 21:57

Last October I arranged with my three oldest friends from University a weekend in February when we could all meet up. We are all married and two of us have children It was quite hard to find a weekend we could all do. Anyway we fixed it for this month.

At the beginning of January my brother told me that he was planning to have his twins christened that same weekend. He is VERY angry that I have not cancelled the weekend with my friends to attend.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
littlemissbossy · 06/02/2006 22:00

How would you feel if you're brother refused to cancel a football/rugby/stag weekend - whatever - with the guys for your childs christening?
They'll still be your oldest friends and you can arrange another time to meet up surely? - your nieces/nephews only have one christening
You'll have to go - sorry

nutcracker · 06/02/2006 22:02

If it were a more distant relative then i'd say go on your meet up, but it's your brother so tbh i think you should cancel your plans.

Blondeinlondon · 06/02/2006 22:04

Can't you send your partner and kid(s) to the Christening instead?

Hulababy · 06/02/2006 22:08

As late notice as it is, if I was in your position, and it was my nieces/nephews being christened, I would have to cancel and go to that instead.

I know it is a pain to arrange these types of friendship meeting but I am sure they would understand your dilemma and understand why you can't meet them. Then immediately arrange the next free weekend away.

starlover · 06/02/2006 22:09

well... the christening won't take up the whole weekend will it?
you could meet up fro one day surely?

harpsichordcarrier · 06/02/2006 22:12

no i wouldn;t cancel
it's short notice and - prior engagements take priority
your broyher should grow up and realise that other people don't run their lives around him

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 06/02/2006 22:13

I take it distances mean there's no way of combining the two. If I was you brother I wouldn't be angry but i would probably be upset

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 06/02/2006 22:14

also if I was your brother I would have consulted my nearest and dearest before booking it, but that;s not particularly helpful now.

GDG · 06/02/2006 22:16

Agree if I was your brother I'd have checked out dates with the closest family for convenience.

Since he hasn't - if it were my brother, I'd cancel my plans and go to the christening.

mandieb · 06/02/2006 22:32

Sorry i do sort of agree with you as brother is being a twat but you only get one christning and you can meet another weekend .

nooka · 06/02/2006 22:56

I guess it depends on how close you are to your brother, and how much you care about how he feels. Also whether the christening is an important thing, or just "an excuse for a party" IYSWIM. I can see why it is difficult to fix things up with your friends, and it may be that they are more important to you than your brother (and I am not wanting to sound harsh here - just reflecting that some families are closer than others, and some friends are more important than others!). I agree that he might have checked with you about dates, but you can re-organise with your friends, whereas it is unlikely he can change the christening. For me I would chose my family first, but:
we are relatively close,
for those of my family that have chosen the christening route it has been a very important event for them
they have been there 100% for me
oh, and they we are all very badly organised, so this sort of scenario is relatively likely for all of us!

harpsichordcarrier · 06/02/2006 22:57

yes, why didn't your brother check? as it was such short notice? that would Tick Me Off

elliott · 06/02/2006 23:04

Been here the other way round. MY brother wanted to cry off ds2's naming party to go to a corporate event with his wife (sil's company, not db's). This was some time AFTER I had told him of the date (months in advance). I have to say I was pretty upset at his priorities. I would have had no prob at sil not coming. In the event they both came to both (in the same town, so not that hard really).

Sallystrawberry · 06/02/2006 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lemonstartree · 07/02/2006 08:24

Thanks everybody.
It was this last weekend and I went to my friends reunion.
They are very old and dear friends and would have been very upset had I cancelled. It was a prior (for months) engagement.
My brother and SIL decided on that weekend as her parents could get a cheap flight to the UK. Originally the christening had been planned for Sunday lunchtime and I and my family were going to return early to London (from the Norfolk reunion) so that we could go. Two weeks ago they changed the christening to Saturday lunchtime to suit the godparents. I felt this made it impossible for us to go. It should be possible for friends to meet up more easily but in practice , with four families, work committments/holidays /other family committments the Feb weekend was the first one we could all do for 6 months.......
I know my brother feels that family should come before friends, but for lots of reasons I don't feel that he has really treated ME in this way.
I am very interested to see how other people think.
I really really regret that we could not go to his twins christening. He is not religious (at all) but my SIL is and the christening is important for her. If it was THAT important that we attend I think we should have had a bit more prior warning............

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonstartree · 07/02/2006 08:27

Harpsichordcarrier

He phoned me, at the beginning of January, and said 'we are thinking of having the twins christened on 5th Feb' I said - 'oh dear Im going to X's that weekend.'

But they went ahead and chose that day anyway....... for good reasons - as SIL parents were here - but it did mean that we couldn't go..

PS thanks for your support!

OP posts:
GDG · 07/02/2006 11:32

lst = tbh, following your other post I think you had no option. My SIL was planning her wedding a couple of years back - she was either gonig to have it in May or September - I was due to give birth end of August/early Sept so Sept was going to be a nightmare for me with a newborn and 2 toddlers (older two were 21 months and 3.5). Because her friend couldn't make it in May, she did it for September.

Fair enough, her choice - we went to the wedding but she had an evening reception the next day and we didn't go. I think she, and other family members, were annoyed but tbh I didn't care. They knew I was going to have just had a baby - he was 3 weeks old, I had a stinking cold and felt like sh*t - my hormones were everywhere. She just had to accept it - she made her choice!

doormat · 07/02/2006 12:00

lemonstartree it seems the only people they considered in all this was the inlaws and their cheap flights
I am glad u went and hope u had a good time

Dh and I have had to cancel our first weekend away together on our own (we had no honeymoon and we arranged sitters for kids etc)because his sister was going to get married on one of the days we were going (dh is walking her down the aisle)
after cancelling we were told by family member that wedding is off now, dh is peeved and we have said we are booking another weekend away next year and if she is going to get married then it is tough, she will just have to walk herself down the aisle, as we are not cancelling again.She hasnt even had the decency to tell us herself that wedding is off.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 07/02/2006 20:11

lst - seeing as your brother knew about your weekend away before the Christening as booked then I change my view - he has no right to be angry or even upset - if anything you're the agrieved party. If I had been in your brother's shoes I might have felt sad that not everyone could make it but would have been apologetic - not angry! and would certainly not expect you to cancel.

mistressmiggins · 07/02/2006 20:25

I agree - you were right to carry on as it was short notice AND you did tell him str away that you couldnt make it

my SIL didnt come to DD christening - we gave her 4 mths notice to cancel a girls weekend in Blackpool...BUT her husband & children still came

Bozza · 07/02/2006 20:34

I agree with those who said they would check with close family first - I did this with both of my two and actually had dates that were less convenient to me in the process. My sister and SIL also checked with me regarding my nephews - one had to go for her second date because we were on holiday, the other had to go for her second date because we had already committed to the other christening!

motherinferior · 07/02/2006 20:55

You know, sometimes I think friends - the real friends, the longstanding ones who've been there all your life for you - are more important than the people you're related to.

Caligula · 07/02/2006 20:58

I think your brother's being totally unreasonable and a bit shoddy tbh. Why on earth should he expect you to drop everything for him? I'm with MI on this one, he's showing you far less respect than your friends would.

Original poster
lemonstartree · 21/02/2006 11:23

Sorry to bump this, but I would be greatful for a bit more advice.

Following on from this, we made an arrangement to visit my brother the weekend of March 4th for tea, This morning I recieved an e-mail saying that he is so upset with me he does not wish us to come.

I am really distressed by this, in a way that is completely out of proportion. I feel bullied , manipulated and forced on to the defensive. I spoke yesterday to my SIL as it was her birthday, I randg her. At the end of the conversation I apologised to her for not attending the Christening. Her response was that "It really dosnt matter at all."

Then today this e-mail from my brother..........

I am beginning to think I ned therapy because I need to be able to rise above this.....

my dh says I should send him a mail telling him to f off.............

what is normal?

sorry this is so rambly

OP posts:
lazycow · 22/02/2006 13:49

I don't know what your realitionship with your brother is like normally but is there anyway you can talk to him about this. He is obviously upset but it seems a bit disproportionate. Is there something else going on? If you really try and have a conversation about it maybe you can get to the bottom of it.

Maybe he has forgotten that you told him the date was inconvenient for you, maybe he has some other grievances that he hasn't talked about to you (men often don't).

My only advice is to try and not be too defensive and be open to what he says. Then if after really listening to him you think he is still being unreasonable you should say so. However you may find that there is something else that is bothering him and you not attending the Christening just tipped things over.

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