The Brave Babes Battle Bus - BOINGing Into Spring, The Jesus(WhatNext) Way!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes aboard the Battle Bus, on the journey to sobriety.

We have drinkers, non-drinkers, inbetweeners, notquitesurers...... which is all fantastic.

No matter who you are or where you're at in your personal quest to get where you want to be, come grab a seat and join in the natter, just jump right in.

And, if you'd like to see where we've been up until now, HERE is a link to the last thread and the ones before it

See you soon.

Morning!!

saf well done!! I had a huge when I read your post - you've been very brave, I know it was a huge step for you. Sounds like you're really analysing things and thinking through it all. Just wanted to give you a ((( ))) my friend and remind you to take care of yourself.

Morning all. I've done my usual trick of posting on day 1 then blowing it and disappearing for a bit. Have been drinking for the past few days with no real inclination to resist, even though I know I need to. Last night was fairly moderate - a couple of glasses of wine - but others have not been so. Today may or may not be another day 1.

Can't catch up with everything going on on the thread - so busy at the moment - but just wanted to say hello to other new babes and well done to all those staying on the bus. I barely qualify for the sidecar right now.

Morning Babes

iPhone about to die so just wanted to a huge well done to Saf.

What an achievement. Am sure like this this bus, AA will give you more support than you thought possible

(hands round bacon rolls with extra large one for Saf). (grin)

Could I have one of those please?

Morning everyone. I'm debating whether or not to go for day 3 or to allow myself a single glass of red with dinner. Doing a lot of thinking. Which is maybe why my head, jaw and nech ache so much...

Morning All,

What amazing posts. Its just lovely getting to know you all!

Lizzie - I think youre amazing and keep on sharing with us. I read everything everyone writes and I think youre incredible to coping with what life is throwing at you (the house sales will all work out fine Im sure of it - all your ducks are in a row so sit back now - you can do no more). I dont judge you. I think youre thinking about your boozing habits while dealing with divorce and house buying/selling is an achievement..... And one that ultimately will work out successfully for you. You shouldnt be sharing a life and home with a man that is a shit. You IMO are doing the right thing. And I salute you.

How long have we all been drinking before we all really properly realised that what and how we were drinking was NOT ok?

Ive been at it for over 20 years and its only recently that I truly understand that its not ok. Its not normal and its most definitely NOT funny.

I think thats the beginning. Because once you realised this stuff - you cant unrealise it. So you make a change and that is what we will all do. Im certain of it. Together! ;o)

SAF SAF SAF OHMYGOD. So sorry to shout.... > Im just so fecking pleased for you. How the &*& did you manage that.....?? The bus, the wait, the nerves, the time, the effort, the strength of character...! :)

Heres the flip side of what could have happened last night....

I didnt go to AA last night. It was on and I knew roughly where it was. I have already quietly accepted that I have a problem so it didnt matter that it wasnt an open meeting.... but yet I didnt call the Lovely Lady on the end of the phone.

DH came home with a bottle of red and I sat and drank it with him instead. THE RIDICULOUSNESS of what Im writing hasnt escaped me.

So instead of going to AA (physically myself and emotionally with SAF) - I stayed home and shared a bottle of red?????

Do you think I have issues???

I AM TODAY IF ITS THE ONLY THING I DO AM going to text the Lovely Lady and see if she will help me. I know she will.

SAF I want to hug you. Well done. Well done. Will you go back next week?

Sarah - I am not adorable. Im a 41 year old booze riddled mess. Thank you tho :) Tonight I WILL prop myself up in my bed (its nice the weather has taken a turn for the worse Ive got the electric blanket on again which is LOVELY) and I will listen to my son count to infinity. It goes 1 to 20 in the normal fashion and then Infinity and 1, Infinity and 2, Infinity and 3..... Cute eh!

Mouse. Im sorry your in pain. I wish I could make it nice and pain free for you. As for the dust... have you any friends on holiday? Can you relocate to their house while they are away?? Nice borrowed dust free house to play in?

Just an idea.

SO. I didnt make it to AA. I have drunk most nights (oh all right every night) for ages and I feel dry and headachey.

Nice.

Im off to my mothers in a bit and she lives by the sea. So I will make yet another gargantuan superhuman effort to show the DCs a wonderful wonderful day and then resist the urge to hit the bottle the second they are in bed. I cant keep on like this.....

Ginger - where are yooooooooo!

That should be neck. Though my nech is killing me too...

I am here, I am lurking, did you all not see my spectacular double back flip out of the sidecar? I am afraid the Easter hols have beaten my resolve but in the words of Arnie, 'I'll be back!'

thank you everyone. it was a really big step to actually decide to go because i've always been so against the idea but going was actually easy. everyone is there for the same reason and they know why you're there - not because they've judged and decided something about you but because you've showed up and let's face it we didn't show up on this thread and people don't show up at aa unless we've got a problem with drinking. and it is actually really positive - i don't think that comes across about aa generally.

there is something incredibly encouraging and normalising about being in a roomful of people who all just accept they can't do alcohol normally and know you can't either and it just is what it is. not a big deal, not some big shame or some big question mark can they, can't they stress wrangling. it's full of people who've accepted it, learnt it the hard way over and over by the sounds of it and it just IS.

to anyone who has thought about going, or who is thinking of it i can honestly say just go and give it a try. you don't have to tell anyone you're going and you can never go again if you don't want to and i can assure you no one asks you questions, you don't have to speak if you don't want to etc. the most difficult part of it is dealing with people being so friendly and welcoming and positive towards you - a good friend i was chatting to about it afterwards whose been down this road before made the point that that is freaky because as a drinker you've been used to isolating and hiding (whether physically or mentally/emotionally) so people being friendly and open and welcoming is really back-footing somehow. but it's certainly not a bad thing.

no one tells you what to do, beyond keep coming back and don't have a drink and take it a day at a time and keep it simple and it's all suggestions and friendly encouragement rather than being told what to do. they know it's a big deal that you've come to your first meeting, they know it might be hard/sad/a relief/overwhelming/whatever because they've all been there done that and seen a whole load of others do the same.

anyway sorry for long speel i just wanted to say all that to anyone who has thought of going but has a load of negative ideas in their head about what it would be like - i certainly had those ideas.

and here are the things that got me there - little questions that were emerging in stuff i read like do you repeatedly try and give up drinking or moderate drinking or give up in the week or only drink beer or etc etc whatever malarchy you've been trying repeatedly and yet fail and end up drinking not the way you wanted to again even though rationally, intelligently, emotionally whatever you really didn't want to? i don't know how long i've been on this bus but that's what i've been doing and witnessing lots of other people doing despite the fact that i and they are clever, insightful, aware people who in other areas of our life exercise fantastic self control or plain common sense. as in not weak people or stupid people yet people repeating the same mad mistake over and over again. which is easier and more rational - to think you are stupid, weak, immoral, selfish whatever adjectives you apply to it or to accept the common sense conclusion that you can't drink normally?

right i must stop but i needed to get all that out for ME and for anyone else who might want to read it this morning.

we are past the hump in the week by the way

I have just text the lady from AA. Ive text her and I know she will find someone to take me to next weeks AA.

Whoops... She has just text back. She says she WILL find someone to meet me next week so I guess next week will be my first ever AA meeting.

I am not thrilled that I have given myself a full week to worry about this. But still. Its done. I think I am relieved.

Tho what is that knot of anxiouness in my stomach I can feel....? :(

NonMia. Please dont treat yourself to a drink tonight. Its a drug and one that might (will probably?) lead to half a bottle or more?

Have a Mars Bar instead? x

loads of cross posting - thank you blanket. DO IT TODAY!!! go on! you won't regret it - you're ready! hoorah!

Big hugs to all!

saf I am so relieved that you made it and it wasn't a duff meeting- it does happen occasionally, very rarely, but whenever there's tension I sit there grinding my teeth and praying there's no newcomers. Did you get any phone numbers? Do you think you'd be able to call them? Even to say it's day 2 and I'm ok, or not the person on the end of the phone will be delighted to hear from you- we give our numbers out to help the newcomer and also because talking to other alcoholics helps us.

Blanket When will you be home? Worse situation for you would be to come home with tired and hungry DCs having to cook while DH starts on the wine- you will join him, not because you're weak, but it would be triggering every trigger iyswim

Can you make sure you've food prepared for when you get back so you're not hitting the kitchen tired and hungry? Or come home via McDonald's and have a big soft drink or milkshake?

mouse dust, no kitchen, nightmare. Let's hope some of Blanket's fresh sea air blows your cobwebs away.

is there not one on today blanket?

last night i thought, i'm an alcoholic and it wasn't a depressing awful thought it was ok so i'm an alcoholic - there's worse things to be - i could be a cunt! there's plenty of them around

it feels a relief. i don't know if it will stick or if my lying, twisting, denying alcohol wanting mind will wrestle it away from me but right now it just feels a relief.

SAF you have made me cry. I am so happy for you and I loved reading your post. Its the thought of ACTUAL HELP that makes me weepy. I have survived life mostly on my own without help and when help comes my way or is readily available - it makes me cry.

When I go - I will probably sit and weep. And I will be so embarrased by that...... Its enough to put me off.

Its only weekly here Im afraid... :o(

Should I go further afield? I want to make this regulat and achievable...?!

help - youre right. Ill be home late and exhuasted from DCs and possibly Mums needs too.... DH is training for the marathon and definitely wont be drinking to night. But because I know that already. I will have to work hard NOT to pick some up myself.

Id rather drink than eat...? DH will be home late and will cook some pasta, eat it and go to bed. If Im clever, I will already be drinking and can skip dinner with him if that makes sense. It what I usually do.

But your right. I need to get myself organised.

I will get dinner in for tonight and a Mars Bar for my 7pm treat.

x

Well done on taking that step Saf

I went out with my friend for dinner - passed my complementary glass of red to her and had two diet cokes instead .. Day two done and dusted :)

Feel absolutely shattered - Titanic was longer than I remembered and the 8:15 showing came out at 11:50 .. I just kep telling myself I would have felt much worse had I had two wines instead ..

saf I so agree with you. I would rather be an alcoholic in recovery than a someone who could drink civilisidely. I am much happier now than at any time including my non chaotic drinking and before I ever picked up a drink days.

You are relieved at the thought that you are an alcoholic because its not been foisted upon you. You have had the energy and self love to get to a meeting, the humility to listen and the open mindedness to hear what was said.

Good on you Kirsty - going out for a meal would have been a huge trigger for me. Bet that achievement really spurs you on now.

I know it's a cheesy film but I loved Titanic when it came out all those years ago (nothing whatsoever to do with young Leo DC you understand)

i also feel relieved because there's a whole cluster of stuff under that umbrella that i thought was all different things wrong with me - all separate proofs of all that was wrong with me and all insurmountable when in fact a lot of it is all one thing with many faces that has consumed a hell of a lot of my energy.

also, keeping secrets, from yourself and from other people, is really isolating.

anyway.

well done on the wine kirsty - that takes some strength

saf your post had me shedding tears - then you're "at least I'm not a cunt" post made me cry with laughter.

You're brilliant. You really are - you are strong and insightful and you have made a MAJOR leap with grace - you have made it seem so simple and I am sure that you will inspire many babes and babes-to-be.

As well as the more sensible the only 'real' pleasure i get from a drink is not craving a drink anymore on one side of the bus, can we have ok so i'm an alcoholic - there's worse things to be - i could be a cunt on the other side?

saf you are now our official marketing person . I suspect isinde will come up with straplines now but I can keep them all on a spreadsheet

I am NOT thinking about the arrival of the mothership. I am NOT projecting. I have, however, told DH that I am NOT drinking tonight and that he is to back me up.

oh and Kirsty well done! Both for not drinking and sitting through Titanic

Hello, my name is SadSoma and I'm an ALCOHOLIC. There, I managed to finally own up to it (Saf's post helped). I've been binge-drinking for decades and my pattern now is a binge (usually solitary) once or twice a week - not an awful lot in terms of quantity drunk (2-3 bottles a week) but a helluva lot in terms of making me loathe myself. I compare myself to other drinkers and have been telling myself that I'm not as bad because I drink less and not every day but that's just fuckwit alkie thinking isn't it?

Last night I drove DD to her friend's house after a bottle of wine :( I've tried to cut down and failed, I just go straight back to the same pattern and I desperately need help to STOP once and for all. I don't want alcohol in my life anymore, the love affair's over. My biggest hurdle is dealing with the cravings which come out of nowhere and render me powerless. Drinking gives me an incredible buzz and the thought of living without it is scary.

Thank you for listening, I think you're all awesome.

morning!!!! hello soma, you sound a bit down my love, stay with us and lets see if we can help! im not going to have a go because you know that this has to stop, you couldnt live with yourself if you hurt your dd through drink driving - im not judging here, i have done the self same thing myself and the memory makes my blood run cold, we have all done things while drinking that we ashamed of, the main thing is that you have come to the end of the road with all and want to call a halt!

SAF - im so glad the meeting went well!
btw, blanket, i have seen grown men weep like children at meetings, there is no shame, no embarrasment, no judging, just people who understand how bloody fucking overwhelmingly scary it is to finally give in! people cry with the relief of finding other people who actually understand what we are going through, the feeling of safety that the rooms can give you, the relief that there is a life after the booze and that we can live a normal life, just like other people, it such a huge thing, its so emotional that i think most people have a bloody good weep now and again! i cried at my first few meetings, i didnt share anything straight away, just sat and listened and found that i could breathe again, after all those years of fighting, i could finally just breathe and be ME!, the sense of relief is too huge to explain!

i am so not brilliant msgee - i'm a twatty mctwatty who has been hiding behind booze and at various points drugs and lies since i was 15yrs old. i haven't got much of a clue what i am tbh my life has been a mess! previous to my complete slump into this current rut i bounced around from one runaway drama to another till even running away and dramas seemed pointless and old hat.

i am nowhere near a grown up. i'm just a big kid staggering about making mess. but maybe that can change. kind of feel ready for my life to start properly. i don't think it has. i went on a bender age 15 after finding my grandad dead and i never really got off it. i'm 36 ffs! so, no i'm not brilliant but thank you.

that's a 21year bender!!!

oh i can beat that SAF!! i reckon my bender was about 35 years!