The Brave Babes Battle Bus - BOINGing Into Spring, The Jesus(WhatNext) Way!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes aboard the Battle Bus, on the journey to sobriety.

We have drinkers, non-drinkers, inbetweeners, notquitesurers...... which is all fantastic.

No matter who you are or where you're at in your personal quest to get where you want to be, come grab a seat and join in the natter, just jump right in.

And, if you'd like to see where we've been up until now, HERE is a link to the last thread and the ones before it

See you soon.

Greyhound, read your post. My drinking used to be hidden from dd, but not now. They are old enough to know and to have seen me drunk and I feel awful about it. I'm very close to them, but I'm not as good a mum as I was, have been unhappy, depressed, always stressed, often 'absent' and not paying attention. I'm hoping and trusting than when I'm on my own without dh to stress me out (he makes me feel uneasy, I can't relax around him and never have) I can be a better mum.

I wonder how many of us have pathological drinking in our families? You certainly do in yours. How horrible that experience with your mum must have been. :(

Bloody brilliant Saf, and it should be about you you you. Shall be thinking of you you you.xxxx

Is there a sin bin on the bus for the self-absorbed? I think I need to go there. Sorry

saf you sound incredibly brave and determined - good luck!

Lizzie I really identify with a lot of what you're writing, especially this
"I don't know about others, but I have a love-hate relationship with booze. I don't want to romanticise, maybe I need to get over this view, but I've always thought that people who drink a bit too much, like smokers, are often the most interesting ones at the party. Not a boorish drunk, but just people who thrill-seek a little and aren't hidebound by bourgeois and prim stereotypes of 'good behaviour'. I am sure I need to get over this. Fact is, there are lots of things about drinking and getting drunk that are good fun. Problem is, it can stop being fun and the tipping point where this happens creeps up on you without you realising."

I'm still thinking about whether I'd drink alcohol I really don't like the taste of, just to get the effect. And I'm thinking about the 'is alcohol the symptom or the cause' question posed up thread.

I'm thinking that, since I don't think I've spend more than the odd day without some kind of prescription/legal/illegal substance in my system since the age of 14/15, the alcohol is the symptom. I'm incapable of functioning without something to prop me up, pick me up, anaethetise me.

I think that probably answers the first question too - rather than drink cheap crap like white lightning I'd probably go back to smoking dope. That's an effective anaesthetic, ime. Not that I'm planning on that, you understand; just musing on the issue.

Well, tis 6.30 and I haven't had a drink. DD is home. DP is home and cooking. He looks slightly astonished and said 'are you not drinking again?' and when I said no, he looked slightly stricken and said 'but I was going to have a beer...' I said that's fine, which it is because I don't like beer so that's not a trigger for me really. The snack earlier made all the difference - I've been thinking about a glass of white in a kind of regretful mouth-watery way but not craving. I know I'll be ok once we've eaten.

I told DP a bit about where I'm at and about this thread. He feels that it's my glugging the white down that's the problem and if I could stop that then my consumption of red isn't a problem. I know a lot of you feel that that is completely missing the point but it's a good starting point for me.

No sin bin for the self absorbed, it should be compulsory on the bus!

Your drinking is just that, yours, and you aint going to get to grips with it (being controlling it or abstinence) any other way than by talking about what you do.

Saf, I have everything crossed for you tonight. I'll be at a meeting tonight, my first for over 2 weeks, and there's a moments silence for the 'suffering alcoholic both inside and outside the rooms'. I'll be thinking of all the Babes, alcoholic or not and wishing you ever single ounce of courage and wisdom I can muster.

Not liking beer can be helpful, can't it mia? :)
I'm incapable of functioning without something to prop me up, pick me up, anaethetise me

It sounds like you use drink to control your emotions, whatever they are; using the expression 'anaesthetic' is quite telling. Please don't think dope is the answer, it's so bad for your lungs, much worse than cigarettes.

Maybe stick to red for a bit and see how you get on? Sounds like your dp is supportive which is great :)

lizzie hearing your story about your Mum resonated with me.

My Mum and her siblings had a really strained relationship with my Grandmother who always seemed so cold and hard. A few months after my GM died someone got in touch with my aunt claiming to be my GMs son. To cut a long story short it transpired that she got pregnant at 18, shorlty before meeting my GF. My GFs parents consented to them getting married on condition the baby was given up for adoption. I can only imagine the psychological trauma this must have caused.

So this was a secret she kept & took to her grave for over 65 years, never to come clean, even after my GF died. I could weep for the hurt this caused so many people, not least my Mum who could never understand why her Mum was so cold & distant. And now it's too late to resolve.

Guess there's skeletons in everyones cupboard & always a reason for someone's inexplicable behaviour.

Thanks help. New here and getting to grips with this (feels like a big deal joining actually; always told myself this thread was for other people).

Still though. Write too much, too introspective. And really want a glass of wine. If I can make it through the next hour...

chasing, what an awful story. It was so common. My new twin half sisters found out, not that long before she died, that their adoptive mother had given up a son in her twenties. Then she married and couldn't conceive, so ended up adopting them at 40. It was so common. I really really feel for your mum. She
has, as you say, no resolution. My mum didn't have the courage to tell us until the twins contacted her. She says she was planning to tell us at that time, but we will never know if that's true. After all, she'd kept it a secret for 40+ years. Finding out after she died would have been dreadful.

My mum, when she married and had 'respectable' children that she could keep had my sister and me within 11 months. I'm younger, and taller than my sister, so we got mistaken for (non-identical) twins all the time - exactly what mum had given up. It must have been awful. And hard to let yourself love a baby when you've had one taken away.

At the beginning it was awful. Feeling huge sympathy towards mum, but hurt by her too. There's a book that helped - it might help your mum as well. It's written about women in America, not over here, but the phenomenon was the same. Pre-IVF adoption was seen as the ideal solution to infertility and there was almost an industry, particularly in the States, with women being sent to special mother and baby homes (my mum went to one hundreds of miles from home). Also, they made the natural mum keep the baby(ies) for the first six weeks. Imagine trying not to bond, but not being able to help it :( No wonder these women often had problems loving later children. The book is called The Girls Who Went Away and it's by Ann Fessler.

Saf - Brilliant I am of you and your bravery to do this, right now. I'll be thinking of you. xx

I'm in the side-car tonight, RL is starting to get a little more stressful than I'd like and my pain levels have shot up through the roof due to having to sleep on an airbed with Nemo for nights on end.

The kitchen is a week late and no sign of completion. No cooker, living from boxes for the last 4 weeks..... so much dust and dirt.

I'm going to say goodnight to you all. Such Brave Babes xx

Mouse bless you - you deserve a medal.

Hope you sleep well & dream of Wensleydale!

Thanks Chasing ]smile]

I'm not being very supportive tonight but I'm reading all of the posts and nodding with a lot of what's being said. It's funny that only a couple of years ago, I was the new Babe

I love that this Bus is still offering support and attracting new posters. It's part of my life now!

Anyway, night all xxxx

BizzieLizzy Wed 11-Apr-12 19:16:18
"It sounds like you use drink to control your emotions, whatever they are; using the expression 'anaesthetic' is quite telling. Please don't think dope is the answer, it's so bad for your lungs, much worse than cigarettes."

Yep - absolutely drink to suppress the unpleasant emotions. It doesn't work very well, yet I still do it!! I don't think dope is the answer, I really don't - I haven't bought it for years now and only smoke it occasionally if I see a friend who does. I wouldn't keep any in because I know I'd smoke it every night until it's gone. I was just musing on that question of whether I'd rather drink alcohol that I disliked the taste of or not drink at all.

It's funny thinking of the smoking actually - both dope and tobacco. I was so utterly dependent on both for so long, and felt just as powerless to cut down or give up. Yet I did eventually give up both, and don't really miss them at all now.

"Maybe stick to red for a bit and see how you get on? Sounds like your dp is supportive which is great smile"

Thanks Lizzie I think I'm going to not drink at all Mon-Wed. Then none or one glass of red with dinner on a Thurs. Then red wine only at the weekend.

Well, day 2 under my belt; danger's passed now.
Had a nice red curry from the leftover roast beef. Found DD's high octane bounciness a bit intolerable [guilt emoticon] so packed her off to bed with a hot water bottle where she's now nattering on the phone to DGs. I don't think she's drawn breath in the last 20 mins.

Got a headache and feeling a bit flat, which is probably pretty much how I'd be feeling anyway if I'd had a few glasses of wine earlier. At least I'll hopefully sleep better and wake up feeling better in the morning than I would have.

I find it really hard to get to sleep when I'm not a bit pissed. If I am a bit pissed then I drop off easily but wake in the night and can't get back to sleep. Last night I remembered what I read on here about your body missing the sugar of alcohol, so I came downstairs at 1am and had a big snack. Hope I don't need to do that every night or the weight will be piling on. I did get to sleep after that though.

MsGee I hope it goes ok with your parents tomorrow.

Mouse so sorry you're in pain. This bus is great isn't it - I'm kicking myself that I didn't come and have a proper read when I first heard about it. Even if I'd lurked and read a bit then it might have given me some ideas. It sounds like it really helps you.

Hello Babes, welcome NonMia, good new name Lizzy. Well done Saf, hope the meeting goes okay. Mouse hope you're feeling better soon.

I'm hiding in my back bedroom. We've been out for supper with DM and DH - I didn't drink wine but I enjoyed a bitter shandy and a bitter. Then we got home and, surprise surprise, Mum has bought a shitload of wine. 'D'H poured me one (I'm writing an essay that's due tomorrow, why would red wine be a good idea?) and I told him to fuck off.

Mum is driving me nuts, I should probably pop into the Stately Home thread one day. I love her, but I don't think she has an internal monologue - it's all external. So she never fucking stops talking...

Drinking has been massively normalised in my family, it's how we all relate. And how it's all kicked off in the past. :( I think most of us have issues with it, and some of us (i.e. me!) have eating disorders too.

I'm going to get back to my essay, may pop back later, love to everyone xxx

I'm just so struck by how many of the posts I'm reading on past threads could have been written by me. chasingtail I just read your first post and thought 'did i namechange and post that one night when pissed so I don't remember doing it?!'

Thanks for the welcome Sunny. I hope you get your essay done.

few realisations/sinking in moments i had today about my drinking that i want to record:

-i insanely am always surprised by getting pissed - i don't like getting pissed and don't want to get pissed yet still drink as if that isn't the inevitable consequence (this is not sane)
-the only 'real' pleasure i get from a drink is not craving a drink anymore or deliberating over whether to have the damn drink anymore and the alleviation of the horrible mental state that often precedes drinking
-i spend inordinate amounts of mental energy thinking about drinking

i am back from the meeting - it is done. i went to aa no one died! the world did not end. everyone was incredibly friendly and lovely and i'm really glad i did it.

Hi SAF was wondering how you got on and really glad it went well.

Your insights mirror mine, especially the second and third. The real pleasure is the relief, the moment is here, the waiting is over, it's the witching hour, the bottle is ready and the first glass is waiting.

I think about drink almost all the time - the worry is always there that I won't be able to resist the pull towards the bottle.

One thing that really worries me is if I ever had to tell my parents the truth about my drinking. They would be very, very upset indeed. I once posted on my FB that I was on my 4th glass of wine and my parents (why did I let them be FB friends?) were horrified and still go on about it today, two bloody years later. If only they knew that I drink more than four glasses of wine EVERY NIGHT!

I'm in my 40s, but my parents' opinion of me matters hugely.

Anyway, little boing - I have not drunk since Sunday and have managed, so far, to stick to my aim of only drinking at weekends. It has been really, really hard - awful cravings yesterday and I nearly caved today. Only thing that stopped me was dh saying "but you said you were going to stay on the bus!" lol!

Oh well done Saf . I am so pleased for you and so proud of you for taking that brave step.

the only 'real' pleasure i get from a drink is not craving a drink anymore

If it's ok with you, I think we need that statement on a banner on the side of the bus. So true, my lovely friend, so true x

I am enjoying all the chit chat going on tonight and all the musings. I have a feeling that if we all got together it would be a roomful of chatting, laughing, sharing and crying. What an amazing bunch of brave babes we are .

SSSM are you out there? Everything ok with you, my lovely? Thurso how was your weekend with your dcs? Hope you're not feeling too flat now they've gone, you were so excited about their visit x

Greyhound well done, stick with it. The longer you go, the more 'in control' you feel. Drinking is not 'all that'. Really it is not. You are doing brilliantly .

Mia I know what you mean about a chilled white wine. I have switched to lime & soda and I always make sure I have plenty of ice to give that satisying 'clink'. Also, a slice of lemon or lime, makes it a more sophisticated drink and it's so refreshing. Try one of those next time you get a 'chilled drink' craving x

Thanks, Fairenuff :) The cravings are deeply tedious but the feeling of conquering them is amazing. I feel free for the moment, I hope it will last. I can never become complacent. I will always have a problem with drink. I just hope I don't spend my life craving the damn stuff.

The best thing isn't any physical benefit (I am eating enough ice cream and curries to undo any real good) but the peace of mind that I always knew was only possible through controlling my drink. I haven't spent all day and night fretting about my liver failing or my heart being damaged.

I have a close friend who is steadily killing herself with drink. She has alienated every single friend other than me through her appalling behaviour when drunk. She has accused close friends of physically assaulting and even raping her. She has broken into their houses and stolen all their alcohol. She raided her neighbour's drinks cabinet and stole eight bottles of spirits.

This friend has wet herself in public many times, she has been found, passed out in the park and had to be taken home. Last summer, she went for weeks without bathing, changing her clothes or brushing her teeth or hair. And this lady is a beautiful, glamourous former model who normally prides herself on looking immaculate.

She has lost her job and owes thousands upon thousands of pounds to people who kindly/foolishly lent her money. She has been arrested for drink driving and lost her license at least twice. The police have their on their radar as a 'late stage alcoholic' who drinks and drives.

I never want to be like her, but I am only a few bottles of booze away from that slippery slope, unless I work hard at keeping control.

i am back from the meeting - it is done. i went to aa smile no one died! the world did not end. everyone was incredibly friendly and lovely and i'm really glad i did it.

Wow, that's great. Bet you were nervous when you went in. This might sound really prejudiced and naive, so apologies in advance, but is there really that thing that happens that people sit down and introduce themselves saying 'I'm [name here] and I'm an alcoholic...'

Not sure where I got that from but it's what I've always imagined. Were you expected to do this?

Hope the essay is going well sunny.

I'm in my 40s, but my parents' opinion of me matters hugely.
Greyhound, me too. But I think it's because they've never been great at making me feel like I'm good enough. I really wish I didn't care or need validation from them any more but it never changes. It's annoying to mind so much when I'm middle aged.

Well I haven't drunk tonight. I'm a bit wired with nicotine though. Addicted to this nasal spray, using it more, not less than I did at the beginning. It's a stimulant and keeps me awake, so want to drink to get to sleep. Then wake up with a booze+fags hangover. I need to wean myself off it. I'm also getting symptoms of a stomach ulcer and I've never had anything like this before. Drinking too much is a risk factor, but I also think I've got the nicotine dripping down my throat which might be making a difference as well.

Off to bed now, and back to commuting tomorrow. Easter break is over. Will be a relief. Boredom+too much time to think=drinking.

JWN I just read about your traumatic experience. What a horrifying thing to happen. I hope you've recovered now. As everyone else said, there was nothing to feel bad about in drinking the glass of wine given to you - you were in shock for goodness sake, you would have drunk or eaten anything anyone told you to at that point i expect.

Glad the meeting went well saf

Am trying to summon the willpower to get off the ipad and read my 'Willpower' book now. Ottherwise I'll be on here til 2am again.

Great to hear your news Saf