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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have written a letter to the OW but not sent it

118 replies

OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:05

Maybe it will help? Maybe I should post it here? I feel slightly better. I have forgiven DH in the main and want to put it behind me but I can't get her out of my head. Not in a crazy insecure way but I just feel so angry with her. Displacing? Maybe. I googled her and found out what she looks like, found out about her infertility issues, childhood in care, identity crises etc. She had a very nice blog post on a website. She could be my friend Confused do you know what I mean? She's no femme fatale, just a seemingly nice woman who got involved with someone whe shouldn't, and couldn't let it go. I saw her in person recently (we work in different areas but same employer). Made me feel worse then better (she isn't some gorgeous glamazon, her arse is fatter than mine)

I just want her to know how much she hurt me. And I do mean she - of course DH did the hurting in the first place but she hurt me too. I expected better from a normal woman.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 02/04/2012 16:08

if it helps, post it here. Its probably really therapeutic to write it out, even if you dont send it x

Ragwort · 02/04/2012 16:08

Surely the issue is with your DH, not the OW (yes, I know it is painful, I have been in your shoes) - it is almost 'easier' to be angry with the OW than with your DH but HE is the one who has betrayed you, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

By all means write the letter and post it on here Grin but don't send it, your best tactic is to retain your dignity and concentrate on re-building your marriage.

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 16:11

Just let it go xxxx

Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:11

Yes it is with him, he did it, of course. But that doesn't stop me having feelings towards her. I can't understand her behaviour. I want her to know! But I shouldn't send it. Dignified silence. I'm going to post it here...hang on

OP posts:
Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:12

I realise that this may be unwelcome to you. You may delete it without reading, you may respond in anger or you may feel nothing. I don?t know. But you are still on my mind and I feel that I need to have the opportunity to tell you how your actions affected me, and still affect me. We do not exist in a vacuum and I believe that we have a moral responsibility to others. You may not be willing to look back at your actions with any self criticism, which is your prerogative, but I feel that I have something to say.
I daresay that you were told several lies and half truths about me and about my marriage. The modus operandii of the cheater is to justify the cheating to themselves and to make the ?other woman/man? complicit in this ? they need an accomplice who will reinforce the lie they have told themselves. If I may say you played that role very well.
Perhaps I deserved to experience the pain of being cheated on. Perhaps my husband owed me this wound. That?s between me, him and our respective consciences. What I know, however, is that you knew I existed, you knew I was completely in the dark and you knew I am a mother, trying to make a good life for my child.
Your role in this was not the main part, I would not subscribe to such a misogynistic and foolish point of view. I have not always behaved well myself and I know how easy it is to become swept along in a fantasy and to leave common sense at the door. I do not blame you for getting involved with my husband. No. I blame you for the callous and selfish behaviour that you demonstrated after the affair was discovered.
I text you on the day I found out, a woman in pain, in shock, trying to explode the myth that you and he had built up together and give myself a voice in this narrative. Your response was so disdainful it wounded me even further. I could not understand how you could be so cold. I truly believed that he had lied to you and you thought we were separated (or on the brink of it) and I naively assumed that you would be shocked, angry with him, and back off. How wrong I was!
The day after, we had to head to my parents? for Christmas. Can you imagine how hard that was? Trying to put a happy face on, trying not to rage at him, trying to enjoy ourselves and make sure our son didn?t notice anything? He turned his phone off during those few days ? and yet you were still there, needling him, looking for attention, while he was trying to deal with the fallout from his actions with the least hurt possible.
When we returned he insisted on meeting you face to face to end it properly. I agreed to this and accepted that he wanted to back out with some grace and decency towards you. He assured me that he had been clear with you. I believed him, and having read the messages that were exchanged between you I still believe him. You could not, and would not let it go! You were looking for an emotional connection that could never exist between a married man and a woman he has been cheating on his wife with! How could he possibly stay in touch with you and continue a friendship to that level without destroying our relationship? How could he continue to provide to you what you were looking for? You caused yourself significant hurt during this period by refusing to let the relationship go. You also caused significant hurt to me during this period. Of course my husband takes the lion?s share of the blame, but he felt torn, and incredibly guilty. He is not accustomed to breaking up with people and has never been very good at it. Your manipulation dragged out an awkward situation and turned it into a painful one.
Since you and he ceased communication I have started to relax again, I have started to feel able to work on repairing the trust. Your insistence in remaining in his life prolonged that pain for me. This was your doing.

OP posts:
springaroundthecorner · 02/04/2012 16:12

Dont send it. It really wont make any difference to your life and in time you would regret it.

Why would she care how much she has hurt you anyway? She didnt care when she was doing so it why the hell would she care now? Just think of her as a sad cow who couldnt find a man of her own and leave it at that.

Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:13

Sorry it is epic. You don't have to read it.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 02/04/2012 16:15

It's normal and understandable to be angry with her too and that doesn't mean you blame her more or are more angry with her than with your husband. She did a bad thing to another person and she herself would probably agree that having an affair with a married man is wrong.

Write the letter but leave it for a few weeks and then read it again and decide if you want to post it.

Yama · 02/04/2012 16:22

I have read your letter op and can't begin to understand the hurt you are going through.

Perhaps your letter would make her realise how much hurt she helped to cause. If so, you would be helping her.

I would imagine though that your husband fed her some monumental lies which would help to explain her behaviour.

Toughasoldboots · 02/04/2012 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 02/04/2012 16:27

All this giving allowances to the OW makes me sick. If she knew he was married she is partly responsible for the hurt, and she should be held to account as well as the DH.

OP you do whatever will make you feel better (it may also help the OW in time )

BelleDameSansMerci · 02/04/2012 16:30

Hmmm... You do, of course, only know what he has chosen to share with you and that may have been carefully edited. I think from what you say in your letter to her that you are placing blame with her. You may not be but that is how it reads.

You won't want to hear, or possibly even care, but it is possible that she is hurting too and her response to him ending it was from that place of hurt. If she is still carrying on, with no encouragement, then perhaps you would be right to confront her but you must be prepared for the fall out - she may tell you things you do not want to know.

Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:30

Thanks all.
There is a context (of course) but of course he lied and misrepresented when he was justifying it all to himself and to her. Without a doubt.

I don't want to be vulnerable in front of her - but then by staying invisible don't I collude with her fiction that I'm a non person who doesn't matter?

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 02/04/2012 16:34

I think the first part of your letter is really thought provoking and emotionally hard hitting and I was about to post 'Do you know what? Send it'.

But then it begins to sound a bit hysterical (sorry - not a pleasant word to use but I'm being honest) and has too much detail 'and then..and then..and then'.

I would simplify and cut it and then read it through again or post again.

I think it might really make her stop and think.

Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:36

Thanks Belle
I read most of the messages between them. There may have been more encouragement from him than I knew about but from reading her messages I would guess not. I know he talked vaguely about being friends in the future, in a brushing off way. Yes he was weak in it all, he wasn't comfortable telling her to do one. She took it as he will be available to provide regular emotional support by text and will be prepared to go and visit her in person (she was narked when he didn't respond to invitations) He had to tell her to do one after 2 months of this, and blocked her number etc.

I'm sure she was hurt when it ended. But it was a three week fling. We have been married for 5 years. It doesn't compare - what woman would think it would?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 02/04/2012 16:37

There's absolutely no way you should consider sending that missive to the ow as it gives her far too much information about you.

If you send it you'll effectively be handing a part of your power to her and, given her childhood issues, it's possible that she will derive considerable satisfaction from the role that you have accorded her in your marriage.

Your beef isn't with her. If it hadn't been her, it's likely it would have been another and, to that extent, this particular woman is meaningless.

Don't get sidetracked; keep focusing on the primary cause of your angst which is your h's adultery.

Insofar as the ow is concerned, what goes around comes around and it's probable that she'll have her commeasurate share of other women doing the dirty on her.

Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:38

Really Proud? Which bit is hysterical? (asking seriously, I really don't want to be. I also don't want to blah on)

OP posts:
homeaway · 02/04/2012 16:38

You have written it op now i would burn it, look forward and dont look backwards , hard to do but I think it is the best thing you can do. I hope you and your oh can be happy again.

akaemmafrost · 02/04/2012 16:40

Honestly? She won't care, she really won't Sad. It's totally wasted energy on your part. People have a way of justifying their actions in these kinds of situations. If it were me you were sending it to I wouldn't even bother to read it, I wouldn't want to read anything you had to say because that would make you "real" then.

Don't send it.

Hattytown · 02/04/2012 16:40

Sigh. Not every woman needs to be lied to in order to have an affair and even if she was, there's still no excuse for her behaviour. Even if she loved him, that doesn't absolve the offence.

I'm assuming OP your husband admits that he lied to her and if so, I hope he told her that's what he had done when he saw her. Because hearing the unvarnished truth from him is the only thing she would believe. I hope he told her the real reasons he had an affair - not because he was unhappy, or neglected, or because he wanted out, but because she was offering and he was too weak to turn her down.

I also hope that you take no comfort in the fact that he lied to another person.

I think the letter's good and you sound fair, reasonable and measured. But I still wouldn't send it.

BelleDameSansMerci · 02/04/2012 16:43

Sorry, I had thought it was a longer affair. To be that affected after only three weeks is worrying, to be honest. If they had a long standing friendship beforehand then I could maybe understand it.

Honestly, given that it was of short duration and, presumably, you are working with your DH on the issues that he believed caused it, I think I would try to let it go. It's assigning too much importance to her - I can't think of a better way to put that. It's not quite what I mean. I don't mean let it go with your DH, just with her.

izzyizin · 02/04/2012 16:43

If you make contact with her, all you'll be doing is giving her reason to re-open or pursue further communication with you and/or your h.

You won't regret putting your personal integrity and self-respect above the grubby antics of your h and this ow, but you may have cause to regret revealing so much about yourself to her.

Original poster
OWquandary · 02/04/2012 16:43

Thank you so much everyone
I feel lighter having written it and having you all read it. I will keep it but not send it. I might in the future, but not today! It needs thought. I would like her to vanish from my thoughts by herself.

Akaemma - I want her to see me as a person. You know, when I saw her, she made eye contact with me. I wonder if she googled me, if she recognised me? I wonder if she already feels guilty?

OP posts:
Dreamless · 02/04/2012 16:44

Please don't send it.

Scenario 1 - she has a heart and in this case she will already have considered the hurt she has caused you and the letter won't make much of a difference.

Scenario 2 - she is a heartless bitch and your letter will do no good, it will merely be something for her to latch onto, gleefully. It shows her your wounds and your weakness and, as a previous poster mentioned, she may feel this gives her some kind of power.

:(

Proudnscary · 02/04/2012 16:44

'I text you on the day I found out, a woman in pain, in shock, trying to explode the myth that you and he had built up together and give myself a voice in this narrative' and to be honest most of it from then

I think pare it down and simplify it. Too many adjectives, especially when explaining your own feelings and hurt. Let the events speak for themself.

The only reason I'm going against the tide is because one of my best friends was the OW (more than once) and I wished that something could make her realise the pain she'd helped to cause someone. There again she would probably have justified her actions...so maybe you should listen to everyone else on here, burn it and keep posting on here.

I hope you are okay and sorry for what you've been through.