I have written a letter to the OW but not sent it

[OWquandary]

Maybe it will help? Maybe I should post it here? I feel slightly better. I have forgiven DH in the main and want to put it behind me but I can't get her out of my head. Not in a crazy insecure way but I just feel so angry with her. Displacing? Maybe. I googled her and found out what she looks like, found out about her infertility issues, childhood in care, identity crises etc. She had a very nice blog post on a website. She could be my friend do you know what I mean? She's no femme fatale, just a seemingly nice woman who got involved with someone whe shouldn't, and couldn't let it go. I saw her in person recently (we work in different areas but same employer). Made me feel worse then better (she isn't some gorgeous glamazon, her arse is fatter than mine)

I just want her to know how much she hurt me. And I do mean she - of course DH did the hurting in the first place but she hurt me too. I expected better from a normal woman.

Nobody thinks the cheating man didn't do wrong. Or that most of the blame doesn't lie with him.

But even complete strangers deserve more consideration than this woman was prepared to offer the OP.

The latest MN obsession with pretending that all affairs are the same, that all OW are innocent victims of lies they couldn't help but believe, that betrayed wives should make common cause with the other victim of their predatory husband, is ridiculous.

I still miss WWIFN. The responses in general were far better when she was around.

No, there is no point in sending a letter to this woman, because she has shown herself to be a horrible person with no moral compass.

I suspect WWIFN is back but under a different name. Or there is another MNer dispensing some very sage advice in the same vein.

I was the OW once. Ten years after the whole sorry affair I received a letter from his wife. I didn't laugh, in many ways, I was relieved that finally she knew and finally I wasn't a secret anymore.

I didn't reply to her but if I had, I would have told her that her pathetic lying husband didn't tell me he had a wife who was pregnant with their first child. He didn't tell me that he was going to go back to her. He told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. And when I found out through a friend about his wife and child, he sobbed and said he was so sorry, didn't want to let me go but he had to.

I didn't reply to her and tell her that me as a 22 year old young woman, who fell hard for this man, who I thought was my first love, was totally heartbroken for years afterwards, felt utterly distressed that I could be the 'other woman' who could do something like that to a vulnerable person, another female. I didn't tell her that it took me a long time to get over him and that when I finally met my dh, I took a long time to trust that he really wanted to be with me because he wanted me, not some shag on the side.

I didn't reply to her and tell her that I was sorry. I wanted to but I felt that she needed to have the last word.

OP, part of me says send her the letter. Another part of me urges you to just file it away in a 'hindsight' drawer. Ask yourself it you want her to reply because she might. And do you want to open yourself up to all that drama?

Don't send it... It won't achieve anything...if she was capable of empathy, she wouldn't have done it.

Does that mean you think all cheating DH's are horrible people with no moral compass as well? Fair enough if you do but otherwise it does seem to be a double standard

Surely things are never that simple in life, some ow's are probably horrible selfish people, some might be really nice who have been suckered in and lied to, some might enjoy hurting other people, some might be regular people who made a mistake...I think only the people involved can really know

Sorry x posts there!

I so agree with you Athing.

Of course the husband is most culpable but come on if you're the OW you know what you're doing is wrong. And some women to pursue married men - I used to see it a lot where I used to work.

But don't send the letter - don't give her the power.

And I speak as someone who had a brief affair with a MM years and years ago - I knew it was wrong and I was very ashamed afterwards.

There is no MN obsession pretending that all affairs are the same and OW are innocent victims.

Oh there are OW apologists, and let's not forget how WWIFN was hounded off MN in the first place. A few of us know who they are and exactly why they are so quick to leap to OW defences, but I digress. They don't matter.

I HATE OW with a passion. They ARE without morals and DO deserve all the shit they get, for those that know that the guy is a MM and carry on seeing them are about the lowest life from there is. When there are kids involved it's literally unforgivable.

My post was not to deflect from the wrong that the cold hearted OW did, but to focus on the GREATER wrong perpetrated by the H in this. He committed the betrayal.

If a MM sets his sights on a potential OW, and approaches full on, if she is lacking self esteem and needs the attention and flattery that he is dishing out, it's a potent and heady cocktail. That attention is highly addictive to anyone, but given the OW in this story has had several large issues that she has blogged about, it would explain her reluctance to give that up. Doesn't make it any more excusable. It's still treachery.

She has to dig deeper, she has to look to what she is about to do. The H is still a cheating bastard. If he is not prepared to go for full disclosure, take on full responsibility for his betrayal, in all honesty it's probably best for the W to show that she is utterly prepared and ready to walk away.

Only that kind of gesture will make him think about what he has done to his family.

"Does that mean you think all cheating DH's are horrible people with no moral compass as well? Fair enough if you do but otherwise it does seem to be a double standard."

I think the difference here is between someone who has done something awful and is sorry and someone who has done something awful and is not.

I can understand how people can allow the secrecy and excitement of an affair to warp their sense of right and wrong, and thus make terrible decisions.

To my mind, the worth of the person becomes clear when the affair comes to light - good people faced with the hurt they have caused back off and try to repair the damage/make themselves scarce, depending on their role.

Expecting to continue contact with your MM, being callous to the woman you willingly took your part in hurting, those are not the actions of a decent person.

Nor are blaming your spouse, continuing to lie, insisting it must all be out into the past and forgotten.

One of the main differences between a married and a single person involved in an extra-marital affair is that the one who is married is risking something. That changes the moral calculus.

I think different standards should apply to two people making different moral decisions.

Good post HH

It's just something I've noticed recently Houdini, I certainly wasn't talking about your posts. I agree with them wholeheartedly.

Definately do not send it. She will see it as desperation and you will give her a boost and power. Any contact from you, phoning, texting etc. weakens your position.

She will not care about you - only him. Yes he will have lied about you to her but he will have also told her some truths - some maybe intimate, secret things - imagine your pain and humiliation if she were to say anything or reveal anything even near to something that you thought only the two of you knew. That would tear whatever is left of your relationship apart.

She didn't steal him - you can't take someone who doesn't want to be taken.

No-one has an affair in a happy relationship. Don't blame her - look at yourself and him.

I see your point athing, about making a mistake and being sorry. But often married men are only sorry and trying to make amends after they have been caught, rarely while the affair is ongoing do they suddenly become racked with guilt an full of honesty. Maybe in time this ow will feel terrible and genuinely remorseful, maybe she is a heartless bitch I honestly don't know but I certainly don't think her behaviour is any worse than the husbands

And I in no way condone the actions of the ow as I said I ended a friendship over that kind of behaviour. I just don't think it is as simple as they are all awful and without morals while the maried men can be forgiven for making a mistake

I also think the person who is married is more at fault for betraying the person they have built a life with and made promises to, I think often it is just easier to blame the ow(or om). Is it a shitty thing to do to sleep with someone who is married? Yes,is it worse than someone married sleeping cheating on their spouse? I don't think it is

Maytheodds - good post.

The therapy for you is in the writing of this letter not the sending of it. I agree that even if she cares about how you feel, there's nothing to be gained by sending this other than to let her know that she's still getting to you.

Silence speaks louder than words.

Do.not.send.that.letter

Why do you want to share your innermost feelings with her? She doesn't deserve it. Let her rot with guilt. And as someone else said, you won didn't you. I can't see what's to be achieved if you send it.

I understand why you want to send the letter. It's a bit like childbirth, this 'affair' thing - you only understand how it really feels once it's happened. No matter what you think beforehand, the reality is deeper somehow.
I'm assuming your husband knows how deeply and utterly hurtful his actions were. I'm hoping you've made it all very clear to him. But the fact is that there IS another person who was involved. He didn't go off on his own for a wank. Yes he is more to blame and if it hadn't been her it would probably have been someone else. Except it WAS her. And she does bear responsibility for her own part in contributing to the pain caused. I understand that you want to get her to understand her part in it.
Unfortunately, she won't. Not really. Would you have understood how much this would hurt until it happened to you?
I think you should just try to pity her. It's harder some days than others, but I feel a lot better when I do that rather than when I'm hoping the nasty bitch burns in hell.

Oh and it's been a lesson to me that my old belief than women are generally better people than men was actually a load of shite.

I've been the OW. It still hurts. I would really like to receive a letter like this - not because I want to know how much you're hurting, but because I wouldn't feel like I'd been forgotten and dispensed of overnight. I have feelings too, I was lied to too. Most of all a letter like this would give me an opportunity to say how sorry I am for the part I played in your hurt.

If she ever cared she certainly won't now it's all over.

As this affair was so short- not that it lessens the hurt for yu, OP- I think it was all lust, lust,lust.

The OW didn't really have time to ponder on the wrongs of it all. It is not as if deceit was there for years and years.

I have been the OW and once met the man's wife. I told her what he'd done- she'd left him for another man, came back but he kind of forgot to mention it. She sided with me- not him. She said he had deceived us both.

IME OW do not care about the man's wife. They have often been fed lies or lines which tell them the marriage is over in all but name.

And they take the approach that if the man- who is married and they are not, says he is unhappy, wants to leave etc etc- then why not?

Men follow their cocks- but women are ar the OW tend to look for a relationship. They think it's on offer.

So take your anger out on your DH, not the OW who was probably fed lies and is as angry as you are with him.

the emphasis placed on ow allows dh to slope off
frankly the ow doesnt owe op an explanation the husband does
op i hope you find some resolution and some peace, you have had a dreadful shock. prioritise yourself and the kids and gather your good friends for support

I love your letter!

I sent an email to OW upon discovery saying that I wished to speak to her and was immediately blocked from all of her sites.

Persisted trying to make contact with her via another public website (making sure that my X knew) and was visited by police as he had made a harassment complaint and was trying to protect her!

I was angry and hurt; still am!!!

Hi its understandable that your hurting, it must be hard for you to come to terms with in your mind.

I wouldn't send any letter to her. Write a journal for yourself about how your feeling if it helps but don't send the letter.

She won't feel guilty, she didn't before and she won't now, she's hard faced that's just the way she is. She's never going to understand or feel how you felt at Christmas as it hasn't happened to her. Only when it happens to her will she understand, don't worry what goes around comes around.

I still get the feeling that you are trying to excuse your husbands behaviour and dismiss what he's done. I think your doing this as it is the only way you can take him back by putting the blame on to somebody else.
In all honesty he was the worst person in this. He decided to break up your lovely family not her. If it wasn't her it would have been somebody else, it was only a matter of time. For whatever reasons he has told you he has had an affair, that's the things he needs to address or sad to say it will happen again just a different woman. Blame him not the ow. His morals aren't there for you and your family.