I have written a letter to the OW but not sent it

[OWquandary]

Maybe it will help? Maybe I should post it here? I feel slightly better. I have forgiven DH in the main and want to put it behind me but I can't get her out of my head. Not in a crazy insecure way but I just feel so angry with her. Displacing? Maybe. I googled her and found out what she looks like, found out about her infertility issues, childhood in care, identity crises etc. She had a very nice blog post on a website. She could be my friend do you know what I mean? She's no femme fatale, just a seemingly nice woman who got involved with someone whe shouldn't, and couldn't let it go. I saw her in person recently (we work in different areas but same employer). Made me feel worse then better (she isn't some gorgeous glamazon, her arse is fatter than mine)

I just want her to know how much she hurt me. And I do mean she - of course DH did the hurting in the first place but she hurt me too. I expected better from a normal woman.

What might work better is if your husband sends her a letter, especially if he fudged some things when he saw her, or took the coward's way out of telling her the unpalatable truth. He should apologise for his part in events and for any lies told, but this could also be your opportunity to 'come to life' through his words, when he writes about the real you and the real marriage - and why he regrets his actions so much. This might give her some closure too, because she might be pretending to herself that it only stopped because he got found out, he would have left eventually, was only staying for the children blah blah - all the usual delusions, rather than the more unpalatable truth. Some honesty, while taking responsibility for his own part in this, is often far better and kinder to someone who is hurting.

It might help you too if he does something difficult like that and you get to see hs words.

That's a good idea Hatty but he wouldn't do that. He just wants to put it behind us. He wouldn't voluntarily open communication again.

Then I think you have more of a problem than you might think. He doesn't need to 'open' communication because he can ask her not to reply, or tell her that he will not read one if she does. He also can't 'put it behind him' because you won't be able to and neither should he. He should learn something from this and face up to what that means. It means doing difficult stuff if it is going to help you. This happened because he was weak and selfish, don't let those behaviours continue.

Please don't send it. You shouldn't open any kind of dialogue with this woman. She may write back, get in touch & then you will find yourself in a position of having to decide whether to respond.
Yes, the OW was wrong, but your H was much, much wronger (I know that is bad English). Focus your energies on making things work with your H, if that is what you have decided on.

Thanks everybody. You are all right, even with different perspectives. There isn't really a right or wrong course of action but I can tell you I feel a lot better.
I'm signing off this thread for now as I need to NC back while I'm on a PC but I will read any further responses with interest.

If she has been trying to rekindle contact with your husband, you sending an email / letter to her will just give her an "in", so to speak. Help yourself put her into the past. That means nothing - no contact at all. Or you're just letting her back in.

Personally I wouldn't send it because if it took you awhile to cease contact with her I would expect a letter like that to re-open dialogue.

If you still want to talk/grieve about this with your husband then do. Neither you nor he can decide how long you'll hurt for and you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside because he wants to put it behind him (or as I read that - he doesn't want to hear or take responsibility for the pain he caused you he just wants to move on and pretend it never happened - I could be wong on this of course and reading too much into your posts).

So sorry this has happened to you.

I agree with BelleDame. She's not important enough. She's probably a bit emotionally messed up herself.

I wouldn't send it. Too degrading.
But it will probably help you to write your feelings down now and in the future - as if you WERE going to send it to her.
But tbh - life is too short for you to even try and understand where she's coming from - letting her know where you're coming from etc etc.
Move on.
But I'd be vigilant to DH in the next wee while. Seems a lot of hoo ha to be a 3 week affair!!

The bit about how your husband found it hard to break up with her because he's not used to that sort of thing made me roll my eyes.

Sorry. Really- unless she raped him it's hardly got anything to do with her. And tyhose sort of letters never have the effect people think- most people would read the first sentence and bin it, or think it's the maunderings of a crazy woman.

Having re-read it it's actually a bit coldly analytical in tone. Almost as if you are trying to therapise her. She possibly needs it.

But maybe your DH needs to see it more. I wonder if PineappleBed is right.

You used the word misplaced in your OP.

Bang on.

Write it, by all means. Make him read every last heartbroken word. Make him see what he did to you. (although it does read a bit Princess Diana-y in places)

But be aware that if you send it, I reckon the first thing she'll do is forward it to him and tell him to tell you to leave her alone. You've won, haven't you? You really don't need to stoop to the level you're planning to.

What are you trying to achieve with the letter?

If you want to get things out of your system, then you've done it by writing it.

If you want to inflict pain on her and make her feel guilty- are you sure this will do that?

You cannot make another person have feelings that you want them to have. So if that is the intention you are wrong.

The other point is that as someone else said, this OW may be beating herself up already- lesson learned, or she may - more likely- not give a flying fuck about you, your pain, or what you think of her.

If you are still angry- and you are- direct that at the DH and let the rest go.

cathartic to write
catastrophic to send

tbh your husband is the shagger who made vows to you that he broke.you and him had an understanding.not you and her
there's no gain in hectoring his fancy piece

you're making classic mistake demonise ow
face it she didn't coerce him into fucking him
you need to direct your ire to your shagger husband
and think what has been learnt, what's changed,what's stopping him fucking about again?

Someone I know (not a friend) was the OW once and she recieved a letter very similar to the one you have penned.
She read it out to her friends and they all took the piss out of the wife.
It was horrible. The letter got pinned up on the staff room wall with all sad faces drawn on.
Every time the wife walked into the pub the mates would all start doing pretend sobs and rubbing their eyes as if they were crying.

Nasty bitches. I wouldn't want people taking the piss out of you OWquandry.
Save your upset for your DH.
The OW owes you nothing - Your DH owed you everything.

i think you need to show the letter to your H. HE needs to understand (a) what he really did in 3 squalid weeks and (b) what kind of a heartless cow he had shagged.

YES she should know better.
YES, anyone who knowingly shags another woman's H IS a trollop and deserves her own special place in HELL for that, and long may she burn in it.
YES it'd be nice if she stopped for a second and realised what pain she perpetuated

BUT

H is the person that betrayed you.
H is the one that must regain your trust, your confidence and your love
H is the one that must be open, honest and available at ANY time to explain, justify and discuss ANY issues you have wrt his near destruction of your marriage.

I agree with others who say that you must 'direct your ire' at your husband.

What must he have told her in that 3 weeks (if it actually WAS just 3 weeks) to make her find him so hard to give up?

You were lied to, she was lied to.

I always think that there is only one person who really knows what goes on in these situations, and thats the lying, cheating, toerag scumbag in the middle.

By leading her on and lying to her, he has hurt her as well as you. Don't send that letter, you will just open up wounds for both of you and give her an opportunity to contact your husband.

You don't say much about what efforts he is making to put things right between you. You found out about an affair and then went off for xmas trying to pretend like nothing had happened?????

And as for 'telling her to do one' this is a woman he voluntarily shagged, not some random stalker. He is sounding like a right catch.(not).

I've been on the receiving end of a full on seduction attempt from a MM for only a WEEK and it was powerful stuff... it's all pervasive. I found out he was married, I ended it, it was excruciatingly hard, and unbelievably painful.

IF (and this OW falls heavily into the category) a person has low self esteem, and has been mistreated/neglected or is lonely, even a week of this is enough to 'hook' her and she'd be addicted to the attention.

NOT that this is pardoning her in anyway, but if she had 3 weeks of what I was subjected to for a week, it'd explain her coolness.

Your H directed his attention in her direction, HE is the one that pays the price.

this shouldn't be about ow
it's all about your duplicitous shagger husband

has he changed
do you fully trust him

"You were lied to, she was lied to."

Yeah, a woman who knowingly fucks a married man is just an innocent little victim of his lies and deserves the same consideration as the wife of 5 years and mother of his children who did absolutely nothing wrong.

This silly bitch believed obvious lies because she wanted to. Because it suited her.

She colluded in hurting someone else and risking the family of a small child.

She is no innocent victim, and it is disgusting to try to create an equivalence between her and the woman she had no compunction about fucking over.

When did MN become otherwoman.com?

If you have an affair with a man you know is married, you don't don't get to be all surprised and hurt that he eventually tells you to do one.

The cheating says bad things about this man, but he didn't owe this woman anything once he decided their sordid, dishonest liaison was over.

He owed everything to his wife. As he had all along.

He didn't owe the OW anything. But she doesn't owe his wife anything.

As for 'hurting his wife of 5 years and his children- HE is the one who actually KNOWS his wife and children, who was living with them everyday, who was continually lying to them. To her- they were complete strangers. If anyone hurt a 'small child' - it's that child's daddy.
But HEY- let the men get away with it while the women fight among themselves.
I think the most hurtful letter to send to the OW would be 'You can have him'

Take it as one who knows: your H pursued this woman and must have made a sizable chunk of the running. He made vows to you and your main beef must be with him. The focus on your energies - positive ones - need to be on strengthening your relationship, with H taking a leading role. It doesn't work if only one of you is doing all the hard work.

The OW has the moral compass of a stoat, and is likely to be desperate/a bit thick/self esteem issues but she is not worthy of your time or thoughts. And in time she will become less important. Do not give her more importance than she deserves by writing to her. As posters have rightly said, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else and what is it you want to achieve?

...and we know for sure do we that this woman knew he was married?

Poor wee love. She must have been so scary for him not to be able to say no.

Just adding to the message of don't send it

An ex friend of mine had an affair with a married man, when the wife found out she rang the ow and was shouting/crying (as you'd expect) the husband after being with his wife and comforting her went to see the ow and they were laughing together about how pathetic the wife was, and that she was a rubbish mother for being upset infront of the children. i was so sickened when I found out

I think once someone has justified something to themselves it would take a hell of a lot to change that. A lot of situations like these come down to a situation of your own happiness vs somones else's (often someone you have never even met) . My 'friends' justification was she loved him why would she want to 'give him back' to his wife and make herself unhappy ,that being with him and being happy was worth someone else being unhappy especially as she had never met her. Had she received that letter I'm pretty sure she would have either laughed or ignored it, it certainly wouldn't have changed her outlook on the situation