I have written a letter to the OW but not sent it

[OWquandary]

Maybe it will help? Maybe I should post it here? I feel slightly better. I have forgiven DH in the main and want to put it behind me but I can't get her out of my head. Not in a crazy insecure way but I just feel so angry with her. Displacing? Maybe. I googled her and found out what she looks like, found out about her infertility issues, childhood in care, identity crises etc. She had a very nice blog post on a website. She could be my friend do you know what I mean? She's no femme fatale, just a seemingly nice woman who got involved with someone whe shouldn't, and couldn't let it go. I saw her in person recently (we work in different areas but same employer). Made me feel worse then better (she isn't some gorgeous glamazon, her arse is fatter than mine)

I just want her to know how much she hurt me. And I do mean she - of course DH did the hurting in the first place but she hurt me too. I expected better from a normal woman.

I agree with scottishmummy

Scottish , it's the H that's sexually avaricious and cunning ...he's the one who went home and lied to his wife and child. The ow isn't going home and lying to anyone.

What she has done is nasty . No one is disputing that .

Giving the ow the benefit of the doubt , Mabey she did not actually know the man was married ...but it's still a bit unhinged to try and get pg to someone who you have known only 3 weeks !

I also think the op being curious about the ow is not obsessing about her. Just the natural thing you would expect in the circumstances . Why would her dh choose to go with that particular ow ? What was it about her that made him choose her over the op ? ....one word Op ...availability ..nowt to do with looks or personality .

I do wonder whether some posters are actually reading and 'listening' to the OP on this thread

It's completely understandable to want to know more about the person who uninvited (by you) caused havoc in your life. It's a well-known and heavily researched psychological and theological response. It's why the families of murder victims want to know more about the lives of the assailant. It's especially relevant to analytical people who value forgiveness and understanding and who generally have good relationships with people. Hatred of a stranger feels completely alien and so there is a need to 'de-mystify' the shadowy stranger and humanise this person. It's a very good strategy for moving on and closing a painful chapter in one's life.

yes the dh is avaracious chancer
so all this froth and preoccupation about ow is pointless
bit like mrs strauss kahn wondering what did he see in the multitude of women he screwed

Lueji ....I always took I longer to show up on tests ....even with twins .

( off tangent , sorry )

Hallytown,

I think you are right that it's understandable to want to know the ow.
But communicating with her and bringing her back to the story can be damaging, because she might reply and then the OP will enter in conversations, the OW may end up hurting the OP more or the back and forth may become another "relationship".

In the meantime, all this would be distracting from the real issue: the husband.

What Hatty said .... demystifying ,humanising =closure ...and sometimes forgiveness.

'Your husband didn't wake up one morning determined to have an affair with the first woman he saw.'

Er- I disagree. It would be nice to think you are married to the equivalent of George Clooney in looks and Akan Rickman in seduction techniques. But the horrible truth is that most married men take what they can get. If he didn't want to shag someone else- he could have Angelian Jolie rubbing up against him covered in oil and he'd say no.
This woman sounds unhappy enough to fall for his persuasive lines.

Op has said she isn't going to send letter .

" But the horrible truth is that most married men take what they can get."

:o

Your insight into the human condition is truly mind-blowing.

Well said, Hatty.

Remember when threads like this one got thoughtful, incisive responses that cast light on a difficult situation.

Rather than repeated axe-grinding by people determined to reduce human relationships to binary certainties.

droves if you read the OP's posts she says that the chances of this woman becoming pregnant were nil.

I can't see any OW snaring a man to impregnate her to prove she is fertile. Your imagination is however.

Thank you again everyone
I will not send it, because I am starting to care less about her. She's a sad twat to be sure, but she isn't really that important. All the obsessive googling has been stupid but also helped me to see her as an ordinary little woman with a double chin and a big bum, not very interesting, not prettier, thinner or more interesting than me (yes, I know, I know) and this has helped me to let go of my anger. She's just a silly naive woman who thought that she could play with fire without getting burned, and thought that a man with a 5 year marriage and a child would leave his wife for her.

I am going to put her out of my mind and focus on my H and dealing with that stuff.

Oh yes the pregnancy thing - well according to her blog entry she has a zero percent chance of conceiving naturally, only 10% with IVF. So she knew perfectly well that she couldn't be pregnant. Of course it was my H's stupid fault for poking her without a condom but she let him believe she could be pg to continue the drama. She also told him she might have an STI - accusing him of giving it to her. He and I both had a full screen last year so we knew we were both clear.

Anyway

Enough about her and her inadequacies. She no longer matters

Well said OW. I hope you and your dh get on with your lives now. :)

take care,and remember he's a poon hound
hes always going to be a difficult ole dog
make sure you and son are ok

Amelia ....I did say the ow sounded like she's unhinged ...telling that she's infertile , then hinting at pg... I never said she was snaring a man to proove she's fertile.

More that she's shagged a bloke with a kid on the minuscule ( actually nil ) chance it would work in her favour.

Given that the ow was obsessed enough with her fertility ( or lack of ) enough to blog about it ,id put money on it being she's desperate enough to try anything .

Again the comment about sti , is all a bit unhinged IMO.

Like op said ow seems a bit of a sad twat , who really in the big picture of things doesn't matter anymore.

Gosh there are some wrong'uns around at the moment.

Scottishmum speaks sense of course

OP you sound like you are getting there. Good luck x

Don't send the letter, OP. It doesn't make you look or sound good, or give you the moral high ground.

Why do you always look at it that there fat or ugly surely this is a minor point. Does personality not mean a lot these days? I Mean there's lots of not very attractive men or women with good looking other halves and in great relationships. Tells you looks don't always mean long term.