Think Im falling for my FWB guy...

[JazzyButtons]

and I don't know what to do.

I had told myself before we started this that if I started falling for him I would cut things off, because it was never the agreement to be more than FWB, but I don't think I can actually do that, because that would mean not seeing him anymore.

Likewise telling him that I'm falling for him, because I don't think he wants a relationship at all, so if I said anything, that would effectively be ending things as well

the only solution i can see is to just carry on until I get hurt, while hoping that it will turn into something. which isn't really very likely is it?

Nothing good can come of this, so sorry.

Been there, got the T shirt. Saw a guy for 6 months who started off all keen, going on dates, we were friends at work, he even told me he loved me in texts etc. Then when it came to it he said he didn't want anythng serious so I clung on to seeing him once a week when hed come round, have sex and stay over. But it was never going to be more than that.

One day I just woke up and thought what the fuck am I doing?? He doesn't want to be with me enough to make me truly happy. And I'm never going to meet the right one being with him. So I cut off all contact, changed my phone, email everything. Actually even moved house in the break after telling him I had to let it go as I was getting hurt. I didn't hear from him again for 6 months until he'd bEen travelling and then I was stronger in myself and ignored it.

If you're SURE this isn't going anywhere then you need to quit. Might be worth asking him to make sure.

Then you could be lucky like me and meet the right person - I've been with my now dh 2 years and we're expecting a baby (my second) together! (Other issues with antenatal depression but me and dh are good together!)
Don't settle for being used. Life is too short.

Oh, dear, FWB is like the swinging 60s recycled: the 'freedom' SUITS MEN. Both Joan Bakewell and Germaine Greer have revised their opinions on this.

Do you really want to fuck like an animal, with no connection? He does, he likes the sexual excitement and the fantasy where you are just an object, but do you?

You are being used unless you agree to the above contract. Which (foolishly IMO) you seem to have agreed to.

I agreed to it because I was just out of a long relationship, and didn't think I wanted a relationship, so the agreement at the start came from me as well.

But it's been about 2 months now, where we see eachother about twice a week at least, but it is just either coming to mine or going to his. But we don't always have sex. Theres been a few times recenty that hes come to mine and we've just chatted in bed and then fallen asleep, which has made me wonder if he's developing feelings as well...? But I have a habit of overthinking things so could just be imagining it.

We're are in just about constant contact via text, which is just normal chatting, not anything sexual or anything most of the time, so I wouldn't say that it's just a physical relationship, but don't know what it actually is.

Sounds like my one to be honest (sure its not the same guy? :) ) ... We'd chat till 4am sometimes, not always sex. Sometimes 2-3 times a week. We'd hang out sometimes, went on a few dates to the cinema, to the beach etc. He'd get jealous if I talked to other men, but kept backing off from sayuing he was in a relationship with me. I never met his family, he never talked about "us". It wasn't enough for me. I wanted someone who wanted a proper relationship. And like you I'd just come out of a long term thing - marriage in fact, my now ex husband walked out after 7 years to go back to his ex (!!) So I started seeing this younger work friend thinking it would be fun, and I fell for him. Took me ages to get over it afterwards. Cried my eyes out for months! Now looking back I see we would never have been happy together. We were too different in terms of lifestyle etc.

I think you need to talk with him and ask him how he sees you and where this is going. If he can't give you what you need then what's the point prolonging the pain?

I know I should probably end it, but part of me is hoping that something more will come of it, even though realistically I know it won't. We work close to eachother, so know eachothers workmates etc, who all know about us.

Ive met his sister who he lives with, who told him that although she doesn't like him bringing randoms home, he could bring me back whenever, an I know his dad knows about us because he's friends with my uncle who found out through my brother. (very confusing small world...)

I've started dropping little hints and stuff in what I say, that let him know that I'm a relationship sort of person, and hope that he gets the message and either backs off, or let's his guard down a bit. Don't think I could face having a 'conversation' about it, would make it took serious and make me look like a psycho haha.

why can't you just talk to him, and tell him you have developed feelings for him, i just don't get it.

then see what he says. why tie yourself up in knots (scuse pun)????

I don't want to just come out and say it because I think at this point if I did he would end it. I don't know. Maybe I want time to try and convince him that he wants a relationship with me..? That makes me sound very sad.

You should talk to him directly. It wouldn't make you look like a psycho, it would make you look like a normal human being with feelings. Why would you think that makes you a psycho? Spending time with someone, when you're intimate and having sex creates bonding.

If you can have sex with him, you should be able to talk about your feelings. Then if nothing is going to come of it, dump him.

Do you think you might have low self esteem that you're prepared to settle for so little and are scared to talk about it to him, in case you end up with even less?

then let him end it, you're going to feel worse if you keep sleeping with him, and then get dumped anyway.

you don't need this man to live and breathe do you? you're hurting yourself and its ridiculous.

To put it bluntly - if you're having sex with him then you should be able to say to him "I really like you, in fact I'm falling for you. Are we going to have a proper relationship or not?" Surely its better than this anguish.

If he's like my fwb he will tell you "oh I do like you... A lot.. And I fancy you... But I'm not ready for anything serious.. Not right now... But the sex is fun though.... And I do like you..."

And then you can either tie yourself up in knots wondering for another few months what the hell he means and persuading yourself he's been hurt before / he's shy / he's scared ... Or you can tell him to go fuck himself and find someone who loves you wholeheartedly.

Or .. He might say "let's do it!" In which case I will eat my words... I think generally speaking if a man wants a proper relationship with you, you will know about it.

My dh and I were having conversations about where it was all going from about the 3rd date. That's what I wanted. I knew where I stood.

I know exactly how you feel as I am in exactly the same situation as you!. I actually tried to end it last night but he begged me not to. Like you its not just sex, we text each other so much during the day and just talk about our days, kids etc. Im scared if we end that I will lose a good friend as well as a FWB. We like you both agreed that it would not get serious and it would just be sex but i know im starting to fall. Also like you I don't want to tell him how i feel for fear of scaring him off.Its a difficult one.

Of course men who like FWB relationships don't want to end it. They don't want to lose the sex on tap with a woman who feels she can make no demands on him.

If you think you'd scare him off dingopet, you don't have a relationship. You'd be holding on to a fantasy.

There is nothing wrong with FWB set ups, and if that's all he wants it doesn't make him a bad person. Nor are you a bad person for wanting a relationship with him, of course. But you do have to tell him how you are feeling. You've moved the goalposts and it's only fair to let him know. What would be wrong would be to continue seeing him and having sex while just hoping that by some romantic magic, he will Fall In Love with you, and then getting angry, whiny and resentful if he doesn't read your mind, or actually sits you down and says that he doesn't want a committed relationship. OF course, he may be happy to give couplehood a go and you may have a lovely happy ending and all that.

Mind you, have a good think before you declare yourself. Are you sure you're 'falling for him'? There is, after all, a great deal of sexist propaganda to the effect that women have to feel love to engage in sex, and that it's bad to be single, bad to have casual affairs. I've had loads of casual sex and several FWB set ups which have been fine, pleasant for all concerned. It can be done. FWBs are friendly as well as involving shagging, it's not about fucking someone you dislike or despise, or it certainly shouldn't be. You can like your FWB, it's fine to socialise with him/her if both of you want to do so. The main dividing line between FWB and relationship is that neither of you is under any obligation to refuse sex with other people.

solidgoldbrass, I've got to the point where I dont want to have sex with anyone else, and would turn it down if offered.

thats whats making me think im not happy with just casual anymore.

dingopet, im glad you understand what im feeling! It really is shit.

when we first got together we were joking about whether casual works, and he said its always the girl that falls for the guy and ruins things, and I was so indignant saying that that was not going to happen, there's an element of pride in whether I admit to falling for him.

Some ruthlessness in order here? In other words - honesty with yourself - and said lover. He will probably tell you the truth and you can make your decision without prejudice.

Its true some men seem happy to exploit any woman who seems happy to be exploited.

"when we first got together we were joking about whether casual works, and he said its always the girl that falls for the guy and ruins things, and I was so indignant saying that that was not going to happen, there's an element of pride in whether I admit to falling for him."

Wow, he's good.

He's made it a matter of pride for you to have casual sex with him regardless of your own feelings.

But he's been clear about his intentions from the start. He wants friendly casual sex, not a relationship. It's not his fault that the OP's feelings have changed. We are responsible for our own feelings and no one is obliged to commit to us just because we decide to 'fall in love' with them.

I really dont think he deserves the slagging he seems to be getting here.

We both entered into a relationship that we were both happy with at the time, it's my feelings that have changed. I don't expect anything from him other than FWB because that was never the agreement.
I'm just gutted because now I have feelings for him I'm going to have to accept losing him.

He's done nothing wrong, it was me that first initiated the terms as FWB, because I was worried any relationship would be rebound.

You do need to talk to him, you know this. As you've said, if he reacts as you think he will, well then all the more reason to have said something and not let it drag on with you falling more and more. And if on the other hand he reacts more positively, that's great and you'll be glad you discussed it.
Agonizing as it is, what you can't do is waste more time. You'll be full of regret if you do. Either because you could be licking your wounds and healing, being single etc; or because you could be taking your relationship to the next level and stopping worrying about all of this stuff.

Talk to him! :)

I am in the same situation, only I have decided what to do. I have been seeing my FWB for 4 months, to start with I had a few drunk snogs with other guys and didn't feel guilty. But I got more attached to my FWB and last month turned down someone I quite like (but not relationship material either) as I felt bad.
I had a think and decided to keep seeing my FWB and not say anything to him about how I feel. I do know I will probably get hurt but it will just be a couple of weeks feeling crap then I will bounce back! I am just going to enjoy it while it lasts

"he said its always the girl that falls for the guy and ruins things"

What an arse. Seriously dump him right now. Tell him you've found someone who is miles better in bed and sorry he's just not doing it for you anymore.

Keep your dignity here.

I don't think that's such a dreadful thing to say. He's making it clear that he doesn't want and will not offer a committed relationship, and probaby speaking from his own experience. Women are, after all, still socialized to believe that they can't have sex without love, and that they will inevitably love men and seek commitment, even though it's actually men who want and benefit from committed heteromonogamous relationships, far more than women.

And, while it is pretty miserable to feel love for someone who doesn't love you, no one is obliged to return love they didn't ask for and don't want. And in the long run, there are no guarantees with any human interaction. People can fall out of love as well as into it. People can drop dead or go mad or take up some interest/worldview/political cause that appalls and alienates a previously-loving partner.

elefant im thinking the same thing. I know its not the most sensible thing to do, but I dont know if I can actually do anything else.

If it all goes tits up, I have plenty of friends around me to pick me up and take me out on the pull, so I think I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts.

this might be me starting to go slowly insane, but could the whole him joking about the girl falling for the guy first be him actually 'wanting' me to...? I know that sounds stupid, but he has said it a few times, and always in a friendly joke-y way, as in its inevitable, but hes never said that thats when its going to end IYKWIM? its hard to explain, but its something in how he says it.

Is there any way you can test the water without a big heavy conversation? Make some joke about the times you've spent together and not had sex and that you are wondering what the rules are or something. You've said a few things that suggest you think he might have deeper feelings too, though of course this might be wishful thinking, which is quite understandable.

I know if I were in your position I'd be inclined just to enjoy the ride and deal with any heartbreak later, but I've never been the best when it comes to self preservation!