Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think Im falling for my FWB guy...

80 replies

JazzyButtons · 01/04/2012 14:22

and I don't know what to do.

I had told myself before we started this that if I started falling for him I would cut things off, because it was never the agreement to be more than FWB, but I don't think I can actually do that, because that would mean not seeing him anymore.

Likewise telling him that I'm falling for him, because I don't think he wants a relationship at all, so if I said anything, that would effectively be ending things as well

the only solution i can see is to just carry on until I get hurt, while hoping that it will turn into something. which isn't really very likely is it?

OP posts:
Elefant1 · 01/04/2012 23:10

I know it's hard but I think it's best to try not to analize things that he says because it will drive you mad, well it does me anyway. I tell myself just to enjoy the moment and not try to figure out what going on in his head.

Nyac · 01/04/2012 23:15

Yes he probably does want you to fall for him. Not because he cares but because he wants an ego boost as well as the sex and company. I think you're seeing him through sex spectacles. Take a break and probably his arseness will shine through.

likeatonneofbricks · 01/04/2012 23:25

I think the obvious thing to do is to test his reaction to your absence. If you can manage to be out of reach for something like two weeks, no texts even, it will either make him realise he misses you like mad, or - not. Don't tell him that hte break is anything to do with him, just say you are away or extremely busy. Hopefully you don't work together. You will be able to see from his reaction, and also id HE is falling in love this will make him realise it. It's you who established the FWB rules, so I don't know why is evreyone so negative, he may want more but thinks that you don't. And if he mentioned the falling in love a few times, this could be what you think, but if you aer too proud to come out with it, push him into a reaction..

Original poster
JazzyButtons · 01/04/2012 23:43

the most distance we've had was the weekend i went to london with my friends, I didnt contact him while I was there unless he got in touch first and even then I was distant...

and what happened was he was at mine the thursday night when I waqs getting the plane friday morning, and then was at mine the sunday night when I got home at like 11.30, he was at mine by 12...

thats the most distant we've been since we got together.

people have started telling me that we're basically seeing eachother, which he wont admit to, so my only answer to that is 'try telling him that'

and I've drunkenly told a mutual friend that I want more than casual, which I know will have got back to him cos she's more his friend than mine, but he's not mentioned it at all.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 01/04/2012 23:45

Have you tried to look at these feelings you're having for him rationally OP?

I totally agree with SGB that women are socialised that in order to have sex, they must develop or have feelings for a man and it's just a social construct that gets in the way of women having the sex they want, without guilt.

If you deconstruct what he says and apply some logic to it, men are not inherently more loveable than women, so it makes no logical sense that women 'always fall in love' but it does make sense that women try to have feelings for the men they are having sex with, because having feelings is the guilt salve for enjoying sex. Apart from women who are intimacy avoidant and are using casual sex as a deterrent from getting too close to another person and showing their vulnerabilities, it needs a strong character to resist that socialisation and enjoy sex for its own sake.

Conversely men are socialised to take sex whenever it is offered, but lots of men can't have sex without emotions and it takes an equally strong character to resist that pressure to conform, or to say that they cannot 'do' casual sex. Lots of men (like women) are hopelessly unsuited to an arrangement like this, so it's not as straightforward as the suggestion that men always benefit from the deal. I've known a few men get very hurt by these arrangements, because they fell in love despite themselves.

I do think that a FWB relationship only ever works if there is honesty on both sides and it is anachronistic to share bodily fluids with someone, but not the truth. If you're with-holding information because of your pride or not wanting to prove him right, then it's just adult game-playing that is ill-suited to this set-up.

likeatonneofbricks · 01/04/2012 23:52

OP, well, as i say - try a longer break! If a man is in love he won't hold it secret for long if he actually is sleeping with the woman. Often people do need a light bulb moment to realise it, and it often happens after a short separation. It's great you told his friend drunkedly - he should be encouraged by it and not too tortured if he feels the same. The only thing is, I hope the friend is purely that, and not also in love with him (=wouldn't tell him about you).

Original poster
JazzyButtons · 01/04/2012 23:55

I really dont think she likes him as well, its a girl that works with him, and it was her that encouraged me to go for it in the start, both workplaces are very close, two bars round the corner from eachother, so everyone knows and he's not bothered about hiding it, which I see as positive?

I've tried taking a longer break, but If I go more than a day without getting in touch, he'll text me, and I find it very hard not to reply.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 02/04/2012 00:02

OP, so it was you who suggested the FWB, how then do you know he didn't want more - did he says so at any point? It would be ironic/ridiculous if he is holding back because of your rules which you don't want any longer!
FWB is usually more sporadic and not an evreyday thing, especially with texts. Yes, it's hard, but try a longer break - you could get your result. Or, just swallow your pride and say that you've outgrown the FWB. You could of course wait for ages for hinm to bring smth up but this will take a lot of patience which you don't have (I wouldn't either).

Original poster
JazzyButtons · 02/04/2012 00:04

well it was a sort of joint agreement to do the FWB, because he knew that I'd split up with my fiance the week before, but its him that keeps on mentioning it since.

he's coming round tonight when he finishes work (we both work in bars hence the late hours) and Ive had a bottle of wine so you never know, i might end up saying something tonight! Wine

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 02/04/2012 00:07

ha, I was just going to suggest getting drunk and then just spelling it out!
You mean he mentions the fwb to you - in what way? teasing or just matter of fact?
is he experienced? he then should notice that you are falling in love.

Original poster
JazzyButtons · 02/04/2012 00:13

sort of teasing, like its him setting out the rules IYKWIM? hes a lot more experienced than I am, his magic number is around about 80 whilst mine is 5. he is 5 years older than me though.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 02/04/2012 00:25

just get drunk and ask if his rules have changed or not, as yours are blurry. To be honest what do you have to lose, since you don't have the patiennce to wait? If you make it also teasing/jocular about blurring rules, it won;t be that hard if he says no. You can late decide how to react when sober.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 00:25

Basically, irrespective of whether or not he wants a committed relationship with you, he's either a nice man or a knob. If he's a nice man, you tell him that you would like to go more in the direction of having a relationship and if that's not what he wants he will tell you so nicely, not laugh at you or be unkind to you, and he will then remove himself from your life. If he's a knob he'll tell you that he warned you not to fall in love, but that he's still happy to have sex with you. Or he'll say something unkind. And if that happens at least you will know that he's a knob and be able to move on.

likeatonneofbricks · 02/04/2012 00:27

if he's much more experienced, playing games on him is not likely to work. But give it time if he agrees with you, don't get delirious as you need to trust him first, so he does what he says.

GothAnneGeddes · 02/04/2012 01:55

Shagging lots of people does not equal experience or competence in the field of human relationships.

I have my Hmm face on here because he doesn't sound that great a catch.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 09:44

GAG: Being self-aware enough to be honest about the fact that you do not want a long term committed relationship doesn't make someone 'incompetent' WRT human relationships. Heteromonogamy is NOT COMPULSORY, and making a conscious choice to reject it shows that you are smarter than someone who drifts into it and then cheats due to not being the type who actually does want a longterm commitment.

madforfootball · 02/04/2012 09:50

DON'T. See my thread. My life is in tatters because my FWB brought someone back to the house and shagged her. In the room next to me.

Just don't go there.

Beckamaw · 02/04/2012 10:41

I stopped seeing my FWB, despite having feelings for him. Both of us had recently exited long term relationships.
We both had other relationships and then bumped into one another. After we stopped messing about, we confessed to our feelings.
We now have a baby and will be getting married soon!

Don't let pride get in the way of finding out how he feels!!

TheCraicDealer · 02/04/2012 11:31

I had a FWB for about a year. Well, we weren't really friends (although we got on very, very well), it was all about the sex which was fucking incredible. He was very honest from the start that he didn't want anything more, that he wasn't "ready" for a relationship and all that shite. He was an emotional cripple in hindsight...anyway, eventually I told him in words of one syllable that he was "filling a gap" until I met someone worthy of meeting my parents who actually wanted to be with me. Two weeks later I met my now (wonderful, loving, thoughtful) DP. I cannot tell you how sweet it felt to tell him, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend now" when he tried to arrange the next trip to see me. Ha! When he found out that my DP was due to go to Afghanistan he was like "I can't believe you're prepared to give up what we had for someone you're not going to see for six months" Hmm And guess who was still texting who six months later?

I would do the same again- telling him you're not prepared to settle for this long term reminds him that you're not going to sit around waiting on him to change his mind. You owe it to yourself to keep looking for someone who can give you what you want. I thought the same as you as well, that I didn't want to sleep with anyone else. But now I'm with my DP I can see that sex with someone who loves you and who you can trust implicitly is much better than a man who's only interested in one thing, however "honest" he's being.

GothAnneGeddes · 02/04/2012 11:49

Solid - There's knowing what you want in regards to relationships and being a "player"- "The ladies all love me" sort of bloke. The latter always come off as tossers to me.

Abitwobblynow · 02/04/2012 12:00

BINGO, NYAC!

"Of course men who like FWB relationships don't want to end it. They don't want to lose the sex on tap with a woman who feels she can make no demands on him.

If you think you'd scare him off dingopet, you don't have a relationship. You'd be holding on to a fantasy."

Do you know when extra-marital affairs start fizzling out? (if the wife never finds out they invariably do):

when the affair partner starts getting fed up of waiting/being alone over weekends, and pushes for something more. It is the need for commitment that makes a married man back away, because he doesn't want MORE commitment. What he wanted, was the no-strings fantasy.

FWB sounds like a really bad idea to me.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 13:11

It's only a bad idea to have a FWB if you actually, deep down, want a committed relationship. Actually, to do that (which is not what the OP has done, so not getting at her) is unethical and dishonest - to have sex with someone having agreed that there is no commitment and not going to be any commitment, but to be secretly wishing the other person will 'fall for you'. People who start clinging and whining and getting angry when a relationship was never on offer are being unreasonable and unfair.

Hattytown · 02/04/2012 13:18

I think some of these posts are a bit too 'black and white' and simplistic.

I've known married and single women back away from a man who was putting pressure on for more commitment, so this isn't gendered.

Affairs don't always happen just because people are unsuited to monogamy and some people opt out of it not because they are 'smarter' or even because they want lots of sexual partners, but because they are intimacy avoidant and actually have a lot more in common with serial philanderers than they might like to think. The difference is that the deceit is part of the thrill for people who are pretending to be monogamous, but the theme of emotional unavailability transcends both groups.

People who are up front about being non-monogamous or indeed monogamous are however more honest with other people in their interactions. They are only 'smarter' if they know what they want from life, are honest with themselves about their motivations for it and never pretend to be otherwise. One group isn't however 'smarter' than the other.

Nyac · 02/04/2012 13:33

"people have started telling me that we're basically seeing eachother, which he wont admit to, so my only answer to that is 'try telling him that'"

Is he fourteen? Seriously, this is completely disrespectful of you and totally immature.

Dump. Him.

The fact that he zoomed in on you almost straight after you'd split up with your fiancee is pretty horrible too. Obviously on the look out for a vulnerable woman who he could easily manipulate.

You actually sound like you don't care about yourself that much and you're not worried if you get hurt. Has your split made you feel like you don't deserve any better treatment and it's OK for someone to use you and hurt you like this?

Nyac · 02/04/2012 13:36

I went out with a barman once too who was exactly like this. It's like an extension of school - really immature, with loads of people having opinions about the relationship and it all being about whispering who said what, who feels what. All very dramarama and irritating. Life is too short to get involved in this sort of nonsense even if you are young.

Swipe left for the next trending thread