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Original poster

Think Im falling for my FWB guy...

80 replies

JazzyButtons · 01/04/2012 14:22

and I don't know what to do.

I had told myself before we started this that if I started falling for him I would cut things off, because it was never the agreement to be more than FWB, but I don't think I can actually do that, because that would mean not seeing him anymore.

Likewise telling him that I'm falling for him, because I don't think he wants a relationship at all, so if I said anything, that would effectively be ending things as well

the only solution i can see is to just carry on until I get hurt, while hoping that it will turn into something. which isn't really very likely is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzyButtons · 02/04/2012 13:39

Nyac, it was actually me that made a move on him, not the other way round, and he was pretty hesitant because he knew about the break-up.

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzyButtons · 02/04/2012 13:41

Update on him coming round last night....

I didn't get a chance to say anything because I drank far too much wine and ended up very Ill. Pretty embarrassing tbh...

He was lovely, held my hair back, rubbed my back, and then held me in bed till I fell asleep. But still, was absolutely mortifyingly cringingly embarrassing....

OP posts:
Hattytown · 02/04/2012 13:44

I don't see the OP as a victim of an unscrupulous man at all. That stance seems to presume that there is no pay-off in this for the OP and also seems to reinforce a stereotype that women always want sex with commitment. The OP was clear about the pay-off for her from the start - no strings sex and no promises of commitment on either side.

I think it's possible however that the OP has fallen victim to the socialisation that as a woman, she ought to have deeper feelings for the man she's having sex with. Based on what she's said about his demeanour and the rather wankerish things he says, it baffles me why strong feelings have developed for this man at all which is why I'd urge her to analyse what she really feels for this man - and why. She wouldn't be the first person to confuse lust with love and to emerge some time later as baffled as I am about what she ever saw in him beyond his sexual appeal and prowess......

TheSinglePringle · 02/04/2012 13:45

Grin jazzy that was me when I first met the fella I'm sort of seeing now! If he comes back after that you should definitely say something Grin

Nyac · 02/04/2012 14:02

You need to talk to him. He's giving you messages he cares doing all this kind stuff. If that's not how he feels (and the number of women he's had sex with says otherwise) it's not a good idea to be around him. He'll be doing the nicey nicey stuff when you're vulnerable to keep you hooked.

Abitwobblynow · 02/04/2012 14:36

The OP was clear about the pay-off for her from the start - no strings sex and no promises of commitment on either side.

Uh-huh. And how well is that working for her?

OriginalJamie · 02/04/2012 14:44

this sounds loopy to me, sorry. You can have sex with him but not have an open conversation? You had enough of a conversation to agree that you would just be FWB, so have the other conversation. If you can't it doesn't sound like you are as mature and sorted about this as all that.

OriginalJamie · 02/04/2012 14:48

Nyac

Or the other way round. OP gets drunk and incapable in order to avoid the conversation. the man, not being a complete git, is nice to her, which is what she wants to trigger in order to convince herself that there's something more to this.

Hattytown · 02/04/2012 14:50

If the sex is good and they are both as kind and respectful to eachother as the OP has said, then it's working out pretty well from what I can see!!

I don't understand these posts making the bloke out to be some sort of predatory hunter of vulnerable women - and the OP a feeble woman who is putting up with sex in the hope that it will lead to something more Confused

The worst thing I could say about either of this 'couple who aren't a couple' is that they sound a bit immature about articulating what they really want from eachother.

perceptionreality · 02/04/2012 14:53

I agree with most of what SGB says. I also think that sometimes when you have sex with someone on a regular basis you can think you're falling for them when maybe you wouldn't ordinarily - it's bound to happen sometimes with the friendship and intimacy (not always the woman who falls for the man either, that is totally sexist!). Not always but sometimes and especially if it's a long arrangement.

In some respects it sounds as if he's behaving like a boyfriend so it's no wonder you're confused. You need to get it out in the open!

As an aside, I've learned from experience that actions speak louder than words 'I love you' with no back up doesn't mean much.

nkf · 02/04/2012 15:09

Why oh why are you doing this to yourself? You are sleeping with a man that you can't talk to about how you feel. Why?

perceptionreality · 02/04/2012 15:26

Well of course it is a difficult thing to talk about when things haven't turned out the way the OP was expecting.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 17:07

Actually, calling people who don't want to engage in heteromonogamous relationships 'intimcay avoidant' as though there's something wrong with us is ever so mundane. It's quite good for women to have casual sex. It's a way of overcoming the mindset that you have to 'love' a man, that this is inevitable, and that loving a man means, basically, pleasing him so he doesn't leave and accepting his faults because you love him. Whereas having a few NSA flings is a way of experiencing choice - if he gets on your nerves, you stop seeing him.
And as another aspect of women's socialisation that benefits men, not women, is the idea that women must work on relationships and do all the emotional caretaking as well as the domestic service, enjoying sex for its own sake with a man you don't want to live with or look after frees your time and headspace to write the great novel, continue the great career progression, mount the great political campaign, travel the world or whatever you want to do.

Hattytown · 02/04/2012 17:32

Not everyone who leads a non-monogamous lifestyle is intimacy-avoidant SGB and you might be one of them - I don't know you personally. I know two people in real-life who are committed non-monogamists. One cheerfully admits that she is terrified of getting close to people and has an aversion to talking about feelings, so this way of life suits her. The other says she lives this life because she wants lots of sexual partners after a long relationship ended, but thinks she might want a monogamous relationship in the future. Being afraid of intimacy is not wrong and validating someone who is self-aware enough to admit it is not mundane Confused.

Apart from that, I agree entirely that it's good for women to have casual sex and to challenge the idea that women have to be in love and work on relationships, in order to have sex. You do seem rather prejudiced about monogamous relationships and don't seem to acknowledge that women in them are free to write books, have careers, travel the world or become politically active. I do all four and am in a long-term monogamous relationship. I can imagine though that if you spend a lot of time on here instead and see thread after thread from women accepting terrible constraints on their lives, all for the sake of being in a relationship, you must get quite jaundiced with it all.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 22:19

I am quite aware that plenty of people who engage in longterm monogamous relationships do so happily, and their relationships enhance their lives. However, as you suggested, I do see (both here and RL) women pretty much giving up on having lives in favour of The Relationship, and think that's a bad thing.

Original poster
JazzyButtons · 08/04/2012 14:48

I have a slight update, so though I would post in case anyone was interested...

I think it is starting to turn into something. Yaay! Met up with last night when I finished work, he was out with his sister and his friends, who I was introduced to. Have met his sister before and she was lovely again, seems to like me :) went back to his after and we were lying together, snuggling and talking for ages, , there was music playing that said something about being single, and he made a jokey comment about how he doesn't think he's single anymore. I just laughed because he was pretty drunk, and he didn mention it in the morning, but the fact threat he said it at all is a good sign? He also invited me to his friend's kid's christening, bu again didn't mention that in the morning either.

He made me breakfast in bed in the morning, and I'm just home now. Meeting him again tomorrow for drinks. Hopefuly that'll go as well as last night!

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzyButtons · 08/04/2012 14:49

Threat is meant to say that... There were no threats involved haha

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 08/04/2012 18:36

Why don't you just ask him? You seem to be a bit in awe of him and I'm not sure why.

You're a grown woman. Having a total inability to voice your own needs does not bode well for the success of any kind of relationship.

Ktmacca4 · 08/04/2012 20:56

Oooh keep posting Jazzy - I'm sooo nosey about where this will all go!!

claudedebussy · 08/04/2012 21:00

sounds good! i personally wouldn't ask - sounds like it's going in the direction you want anyway.

midwife99 · 08/04/2012 21:09

Yeah just enjoy it I reckon!!

Original poster
JazzyButtons · 08/04/2012 23:52

Yeah from last night I'm just going to go with it and see what happens, looking forward to tomorrow, will update on Tuesday with how it goes!

He was meant to be going to a friends party on Monday night but decided not to go so we could go for drinks instead. It won't be jut the two of us though, other mutual friends there as well.

OP posts:
Vassia · 09/04/2012 14:35

For what it's worth, I also don't think that there is anything wrong with FWB arrangement. I had one myself when I was about 20, although it was with an ex. So kind of in reverse. I already knew he was a shit boyfriend, so wasn't keen on revisiting that relationship IYSWIM! And I stuck with it until I got bored and moved on.

On the other hand, my relationship with my DH started off in a kind of FWB fashion until I made it clear what I wanted - so it does work out! The main thing is, once you have made your feelings clear, if they aren't returned, you HAVE to walk away to maintain any respect.

On an aside, Nyac you strike me as being very umm....angry(?) on every topic I see you on. It wouldn't surprise me in any way if you were a big player on the feminist boards. You seem to distrust and dislike men, correct me if I am wrong on this, but it's just the impression I get. "Dump him" and "Leave him" appear to be your mantra - although I could be completely misinterpreting your point.

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 15:44

Op I have to agre with Goth.

It seems to me that you are in danger of hanging about waiting for this to happen. I also don't get how you,.'ve managed to make this arrangements, exchange bodily fluids, and now you can't renegotiate.

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 15:45

Sorry for typos.
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