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Original poster

Found a mobile phone in h's bag

106 replies

MilkMonitor · 31/03/2012 06:38

So, h has given up smoking. He came home last night reeking of fags on his breath and hands. I told him he smelled and asked if he'd been smoking. He said no and said he'd been talking to colleagues outside his building who smoke. Sounded like a 1980's teen (me!) saying he'd been sitting on the top deck of the bus to me but I left it. He was so weary so I made him a cup of tea whilst he got ready for bed.

I woke up at 2am with him draped over me, still stinking of cigarettes. So, I got up and looked in his work bag. No fags but a tiny mobile phone was there. Pin locked. It's a tiny cheap Nokia. H is a strictly iPhone kind of guy.

Now, I had a total burst of panic especially after everything I've read about on MN about spare phones being used to conduct extra marital affairs.

I got back into to bed and asked h about it. I woke him up. He said he found it next to his car at the station car park and he would hand it in to lost property on Monday. I said I would do it and he said we would both do it. I asked why he wanted to do it and he said so he could tell them where he found it.

Now, I can't check the phone because it's pin locked. Does it all sound rum to you? I don't know what to think. He couldn't go back to sleep but wasn't angry about it like he normally would be. Neither could I so I started reading the paper on my iPhone. He kept asking me what I was doing etc. He did say it was typical of my negative brain to assume the worst and I replied that when confronted with unusual evidence, I had merely asked him albeit at 2am!

Am I being a berk?

OP posts:

Mama1980 · 31/03/2012 07:04

To me it seems like a plausible explanation, if my dp said this tbh I wouldn't think twice about it. Do you have other reasons to not trust him? Depends in the context of other things going on in your relationship I guess. I think maybe you did assume the worst? I certainly wouldn't have woken dp up to check. I would go with him to return it to put your mind at ease. Someone will be along with better advice I'm sure In a minute.

Kayzr · 31/03/2012 07:06

I would believe my DP as I trust him completely. I wouldn't be waking him in the middle of the night to ask him.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 31/03/2012 07:07

Well if you didn't believe him to be lying about smoking then you would be more likely to believe his story about the phone. Is there anything else or just the phone?

wannabestressfree · 31/03/2012 07:17

Can you remove the SIM? If its innocent he will only be concerned about handing the phone in...... just a thought........

LiarsWife · 31/03/2012 07:45

My stbxh lied about smoking too.. same excuse.. standing outside keeping smokers company. .. I think your H's lying about the phone too.. the sim is a good idea xx

DressDownFriday · 31/03/2012 07:50

Even though the phone is locked can you tell if there are any missed calls? If I had lost a phone I would have called the number.

Original poster

MilkMonitor · 31/03/2012 07:53

Remove the SIM? and do what with it?

I've walked past stalls in the tube that have signs saying they can unlock mobile phones.

H then started saying perhaps it was MY guilty mind thinking he was up to no good. It is me at home that has all the opportunities.

And that he's not stupid and he wouldn't leave a phone lying around. I just said people make mistakes.

If he is playing away then he will just get another phone to do it. I should have played this better and investigated phone before asking him.

Generally I trust him but this phone has really rattled me. Also in terms of trust, I usually think that what can I do if he is playing around? Nothing until I have proof so no need to get het up until I have proof. But I was upset about this phone.

I know he's lying about the smoking but I also know he's deeply ashamed he can't seem to stop it despite trying various methods.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 31/03/2012 07:57

Sorry milk was just an early morning suggestion - not well thought out.
I would be upset if it was me too and I think turning it round on you is a bit harsh.
The phone wasn't 'lying around' though was it? It was in his bag.
I hope you manage to resolve it and the smoking issue.

DaisySteiner · 31/03/2012 08:02

Unlocking phones means changing them so they can be used on a different network eg if you buy a phone locked to Orange and you want to be on Vodafone.

If it was me I would back right off, apologise etc and then keep a beady eye out for any more phones.

LiarsWife · 31/03/2012 08:08

You can put the sim in another phone that is not locked with a pin.. and see calls and contacts and perhaps texts

verytellytubby · 31/03/2012 08:23

I'd put the sim in another phone.

maleview70 · 31/03/2012 08:23

Bit of a coincidence that the night you check something it happens to be the night when he "found" a phone but yet didn't mention it when he got home. Bearing in mind I have found no phones since they were invented!

Sounds dodgy to me. If its number pin protected you can probably guess the number in 5 mins. Men are pretty crap at things like that so it will be a birthday or kids birthday or something as simple as that.

Problem you have now is you showed your hand too early.

Original poster

MilkMonitor · 31/03/2012 08:38

Crap. It all sounds so dodgy doesn't it? He is adamant he's not cheating. I've hidden the phone saying I'll take it to the station.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 31/03/2012 08:43

If he is then maybe this will be the kick up the arse he needs to put an end to it. If he doesn't then he will leave another clue before long.

He may of course be telling the truth but it sounds dodgy.

Original poster

MilkMonitor · 31/03/2012 08:50

If he is, then I can't let him just get away with it. Grr. I need to know if I'm a mug or not. I cannot get into the phone at all and have no other mobile to put the SIM into apart from my iPhone and that won't work.

Why does being trusting make one a mug?

OP posts:

fiventhree · 31/03/2012 08:53

My h got away with cheating for years, so you have to bear in mind I am more like to be suspicious now than I would have been before.

But I wouldnt like this sentence, knowing what I do now:

"He couldn't go back to sleep but wasn't angry about it like he normally would be."

That might worry me. If he doesnt like the fact that you want it pin unlocked, then that would be suspicious- he cant justifiably argue that a lost cheap phone is more important than your marriage.

And he was lying about the smoking.

And finally, how many people actually have a cheap phone these days, young kids certainly dont, for example. I bet they are often bought for dodgy second phone purposes.

Keep that phone- a new threads on here left women in very suspicious circumstances because they couldnt access the found phone, or the h broke it etc. If he tries to persuade you otherwise that is VERY dodgy.

fiventhree · 31/03/2012 08:54

a few threads!

AllShiney · 31/03/2012 09:00

Google the name and make of the phone. There maybe a way if taking the lock off.

I did this when DD forgot her code!

Hattytown · 31/03/2012 09:03

I suspect you've been having doubts for a long time about his fidelity, but have tried to ignore the obvious so that you don't have to face facts. I say that because if this had been ther first occasion you'd had doubts and you trusted him completely, you would have left it till the morning to query it.

You know that he lies to you, you've now found a second mobile and he tried to deflect this on to you and imply that you are at fault.

I'm sure there's a massive back story to this, so have you tried writing down all the occasions when things haven't added up and you've swallowed your doubts and done nothing? Might help to write them here too.

I think he'll just buy another phone now that he'll hide somewhere other than his work bag, but it would be worth having a hunt for where he keeps the charger for this one. In his car? If you can match a charger to a phone, you'll have more proof if that's what you think you need.

DaisySteiner · 31/03/2012 09:08

Or you could tell him you're going to try and crack the code and see if you can find information on so you can return the phone direct. If it's non-dodgy there will be no reason for him to mind this but if he tries to stop you, gets stressed about it or angry then that to my mind that would be highly suggestive of it being his own phone.

Original poster

MilkMonitor · 31/03/2012 09:10

He's had to go into work today. Left very early. He showed me the email that the US office sent asking him to go in.

He said I'm to call him anytime at his desk - anytime of day and if he says he is at work, then that's where he'll be. I said I didn't want to check up on him. It makes me feel grubby.

He says he just doesn't have the time for any kind of extra marital stuff anyway and he would be a fool to risk his family just for the sake of "being able to put his knob in someone."

I don't know what to think.

I might buy a cheap phone to put the SIM in and see. If I'm wrong I will feel grim. Seeds of doubt sown etc.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 31/03/2012 09:15

That was quite manipulative of him suggesting you could phone him at any time. It means you won't of course and that's exactly what he wanted you to do. I expect he'll bin the charger now.

Everyone's got the time.

Messages are rarely saved to a SIM these days. They are saved to the phone.

Have you had doubts before about him?

gettingeasier · 31/03/2012 09:27

A man found my DDs cheap phone at the bus stop and rang "Mum" so we got it back last weekend

Just saying

Hattytown · 31/03/2012 09:31

Afraid curiosity got the better of me and I searched for your other threads.

This has been going on for years, it would seem.

Although you've had concrete proof before of your husband's behaviour, you haven't acted on it. That's a real shame. You don't need proof not to trust someone but there's something about you that you need to confront if you ignore it when you do have evidence.

TooEasilyTempted · 31/03/2012 09:51

Well it seems he's got form then?

Is he very tech savvy? If not, I'd phone him at work and say something along the lines of "just going round to friends, she's got this nifty little device that can crack the pin number in this phone, then I'll be able to call the last dialled number to find out who it belongs to" and see what his reaction is.

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