Found a mobile phone in h's bag

[MilkMonitor]

So, h has given up smoking. He came home last night reeking of fags on his breath and hands. I told him he smelled and asked if he'd been smoking. He said no and said he'd been talking to colleagues outside his building who smoke. Sounded like a 1980's teen (me!) saying he'd been sitting on the top deck of the bus to me but I left it. He was so weary so I made him a cup of tea whilst he got ready for bed.

I woke up at 2am with him draped over me, still stinking of cigarettes. So, I got up and looked in his work bag. No fags but a tiny mobile phone was there. Pin locked. It's a tiny cheap Nokia. H is a strictly iPhone kind of guy.

Now, I had a total burst of panic especially after everything I've read about on MN about spare phones being used to conduct extra marital affairs.

I got back into to bed and asked h about it. I woke him up. He said he found it next to his car at the station car park and he would hand it in to lost property on Monday. I said I would do it and he said we would both do it. I asked why he wanted to do it and he said so he could tell them where he found it.

Now, I can't check the phone because it's pin locked. Does it all sound rum to you? I don't know what to think. He couldn't go back to sleep but wasn't angry about it like he normally would be. Neither could I so I started reading the paper on my iPhone. He kept asking me what I was doing etc. He did say it was typical of my negative brain to assume the worst and I replied that when confronted with unusual evidence, I had merely asked him albeit at 2am!

Am I being a berk?

The shops in the tube will probably be happy to unlock it for you.

I second the writing it down too.

At the end but before hearing the truth, I wrote down every incident over 5 years. Next to each of them, I wrote the contradictory explanations over each , or new angles he came up with, as they were raised again later in the light of yet another thing I had found, on successive years.

It gets the muddle out of your head. You can also use it to capture current discussions, which may also give you firm evidence of your sanity if he starts to play mind games and accusing you of inventing things he has/has not said.

I am in a real muddle.

"He is adamant he's not cheating."

He is also adamant that he is not smoking, despite his breath stinking of fags, which does not happen from passive smoking.

That would be my weapon, so to speak, in talking to him about this.

You are clearly lying about one thing - why should I believe you about the other?

TSC, that is entirely depressing. And even more depressing that it's not at all surprising.

Go to a shop that unlocks phones and ask them if they know what to do about the phone. There will be ways of reading the messages. Are you prepared for bad news if you find it's his phone?

Having said that, would he need a spare phone? Does he have a password on his own phone?

Sorry the relationship is over.

You have no trust and will live the rest of your life doubting him and questioning yourself.

You will make your own life a misery and your children will be miserable, no matter how much you try to shield them from this.

I can see why it sounds dodgy, but I'm not as convinced as a lot of you. I just think there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. Not everyone would remember having picked up a mobile, honestly I know my dh wouldn't and I might not if I'd had a busy day.

The smoking is shit, my dh has also been known to have the odd one although I usually get a sheepish confession sometime later. Whilst I'm not happy about it, it wouldn't be a reason to leave like some have said here. It would be a reason to make him very aware of how you feel and then offer some support to stop.

OP says he has said that he wouldn't cheat on her. I know lots of men say this and whilst cheating but it doesn't mean they all do. This is someones life, someones marriage and whilst I would advise OP to be cautious I think it's out of order to make statements like some have done that the marriage is over.

Is the phone switched on at the moment? Because if it is and no one's tried to ring it, then that says a lot. Chances are that even if the owner wasn't trying to locate it, then his/her friends might be calling/texting routinely. If it's silent, it's possibly because your dh the owner is running scared and has no need to ring it because they know where it is!

you have lots of "dodgy coincidences" to consider, don't you, OP ?

this "proof" you say you need

what will it take?

you actually catching him with his nob in someone else (to use his charming phraseology) ?

he is a liar and you don't trust him

that is quite enough "evidence" to call time on this charade

What are the other incidences, OP?

Oh my word, its like a spate of phone shagging on here at the moment!

Sorry OP im in the camp that disbelieves and suggests you try the unlock codes charlearose has given you.

"sigh" feel for you hun

forums.wirelessadvisor.com/nokia/64284-reset-or-crack-security-codes.html

Also found this

'
However, if the phone is locked, just nip down to your local 'Del boy' on the market and ask for the phone to be unlocked as this clears the NVM chip and resets the phone security code back to 12345 (on a nokia) '

I would have a go at that personally. Take it to a phone unlocking place.

If it's a crap Nokia, generally all the phone unlockers will have the gear, if it's possible at all.

I"ve tried those default codes and now it wants PUK code. I've got the dcs with me so can't really just go to one of those stalls. I will do though.

What do I do if it does indeed turn out to have another owner and h is actually innocent? I mean, right now, I am just shut down to him because of this.

When he comes back from work, I will just want to go to sleep and leave him to look after the dcs. He will want to just be normal and then he will get angry if it's not normal and then if he is innocent, I'll be causing trouble.

You will have to get the PUK code from the network.

Here is O2 www.o2.co.uk/puk/landing/ What network is it on?

I might be missing something but talking about ending your marriage seems a bit drastic.
People who try and give up smoking lie about having a cigarette, it's not a biggy, just daft.
And finding a phone seems plausible to me.

Maybe reading about other peoples failing relationships on Mumsnet might have planted seeds into your head? Remember, the people replying to you on here and encouraging you to believe he is a cheat, are only getting your take on things and don't know you or your situation at all.

"I feel like I should have more solid proof before I break up the marriage."

Op, I really sympathise with you here, because in September and January I was in your exact position, and similarly conflicted re this kind of advice. In addition, I was new to mn, and hadnt seen the many examples of this kind of 'relationship dance'. I still am partly in it too, re the past, though.

However, I have seen over time that when Hatty and others commented on my threads that I did not need proof given a range of suspicious and unverifiable instances, they were right. I feel a right fool now, not seeing that.

If you are challenging and you are wrong, then why worry only about how he feels? If he is any kind of h he should understand how you came to be suspicious, even if it was uncomfortable for him.

If you look at other parts of your life with him, is it a pattern between you that how he feels about things and views things are more important to you, and to him, than your own feelings?

Calpirin, you might be right, but it would be way better for the OP and for her h for her to look for herself if it is innocent in any case. Better than always wondering and letting that tiny suspicion continue to taint the relationship in the future.

If we were going to give an understanding response to her h is his situation, we would in all likelihood say, let her get the phone open and see for herself, given she is conflicted about it. Then, as she is wrong and you are not the owner of the phone, have a general set of chats about lack of trust in the relationship and the causes of that. Which you probably both contributed to.

That would be a good outcome, wouldnt it?

OP, normally you get 3 goes at unlocking a phone. So you could try twice? IME most men are shit at remembering pin codes and passwords and will usually go for something really obvious but sad, like the year their team won the cup. If you know DH uses something like that, it might be worth a try?