Planning to walk away from everything for the weekend

[beautifulwho]

Hello, I'm back to tell you that I've had enough and I need everything to stop for a bit. I'm planning on going away for the weekend, leaving the husband with the kids, going to the shop and not coming back.

I don't know where to go but I can think of a few places where I could turn up and try my luck, I don't drive so I will need to take money from my husbands wallet and take my debit card for paying for somewhere to stay. The kids can go to MIL she's really good with them and I'll let my church know I'm alive and intend on staying that way. I need to take a bag with me with essentials and iron clothes for the boys and DH for church on Sunday, will aim to get back Sunday PM. I can't cope any other way.

I dont know what you mean by your last message. I can pm you if you want. I dont know how it works, but I expect I can work it out.
I think it is speaking to each other like on here and still keeping our usernames.

Didnt see your 09.20 posting.Well done for contacting him.
Even if he cant personally do it, he should know of people who would be willing.And in this situation, these sorts of things are built up.

My pastor and his wife will be here tonight to see how they can support me but my DH thinks that they will say I have a father in heaven that can give me all I need and they wouldn't want to hinder me in my relationship with God. Does that make sense

O I see amillionyears I guess if I don't ask then I won't know, it's just losing that hope of finding a parental home will crush me, I think.

I had quite a few dreams last night about them being my 'spiritual/adoptive parents' and even though it was a little awkward I loved being at home with them, I just feel scared this morning. I know I feel better but that it could be false hope and that is terrifying

Even if they are unable to do it for whatever reason,there should be others who would do it.
Do you want to pm me.I could say more stuff if you want me to.

You should not lose heart on this or anything else.
See what the pastor has to say, and then we move on from there.But never lose heart.

Pm'ed you amillionyears x

My pastor and his wife from the outset said that I should be getting my stability, security and nurturing from my DH and whilst they could support me, they could not be 'parents'. I'm just digesting what was said last night and probably won't be in here today x

My view is that though you should be getting those things from your husband, YOU ARE NOT.

As a Christian, I believe in the crucifixion. Do you believe that Jesus went through such a horrific, dreadful experience to save others and would still want you to be in this awful, desperate, unhappy, toxic place? I am sure that you will get all sorts of texts and quotes thrown at you. A half trained theologian could argue this back and forward until the sun sets. The basic truth of Christianity - Christ died for us, because he loved us - does not support your husband's actions.

Sending lots of hugs and prayers. God is a safe place, but it is hard to feel safe when you are surrounded by attacks all the time.

AND YOU OWN YOUR OWN DEBIT CARD! I think you should get a new one from your bank and keep it safe from him, he has no right to hold it. That is legally enshrined in our laws. You can also ask your bank if you can collect it from them, and keep it so that it doesn't come in the post for him to take. You can report the previous one stolen with a clear conscience - it has been.

This website might help as it gives some advice from a Christian point of view. Your Church Pastor maybe very inexperienced in this area, is he part of a larger support network? Are there other Christians you can talk to, or even show this thread to?

I just want to die x

Just lots and lots and lots of hugs.

Are you there beautiful? Please keeping talking if you can.

OP, I couldn't go to my (nice) parents when leaving an abusive H, because it would have meant taking DD out of the country. I went to a refuge, and I felt "mothered" there - I could let someone be the grown-up for a bit, and not have to struggle so much. They really helped me get my head straight.

Of course you need to look after yourself first, but be careful about leaving the DCs with your H in case it comes to a dispute about residence afterwards.

I'm really sorry things are so horrible and I wish I knew what to say to make things better, but I don't. I wish I could give you a rl hug. Hold on. Just keep holding on.

Well, I'm about to shower, dress and go for a gospel choir practice for Easter Sunday where I will be singing 'when you believe' out of the prince of Egypt film. I think this could be an interesting evening and whilst every fibre of my being is screaming 'give up, walk away' I am trying my best to walk forwards even if my soul isn't wanting to come with me. If you can please pray for me, I could do with a few angels by my side x

I'm glad to hear you're still soldiering on beautiful. I hope your night at choir practice gives you some small bit of peace. I haven't prayed in a long time, but I will say a prayer for you tonight :)

I have prayed for you today, and I continue to pray.

Lots and lots and lots of hugs.

you dear woman, you're in my thoughts, i'm sorry it's so hard right now.

saying a prayer for you too. may the archangels protect you in battle. x

While I can see that your pastor and his wife might need to keep boundaries and not give more on an ongoing basis to one member of the congregation than they do to others, the fact that they are apparently doing nothing to help you when you are so vulnerable other than leave you in the hands of your sexually and emotionally abusive husband, really does not speak well for them or the church that you visit.

You have been on a high dose of anti-depressants for a long time - are you in touch with any mental health team or just your GP? Is there any way you can bring yourself to tell the person who is prescribing the medication about the abusive situation that you are in and indeed have been in ever since your H first forced himself on you before you were married?

Wishing you strength and wanting you not to hurt yourself. I can only encourage you to reach out to a charity such as women's aid at this time. Giving up your church sounds like it seems impossible to you but there will always be a way back to something you give up if you truly want it, there is no way back from death.

Thank you for your messages, I am reading and considering each one. I am giving my husband a second chance and so far he has been a lot more attentive and seems to be changing- I know about 'the honeymoon period' and I am looking out for signs that he's not a changed man.

GP/meds wise I am not planning on going to my GP as I don't see how they could help. The pain I have from not being 'parented' goes far deeper than any abuse/ neglect from the church or DH and I can't see any other way out of this black hole other than death. I don't view my husband as abusive, just a control freak with major relationship issues.

I will see what tomorrow brings, there is no point in crisis teams, acute wards etc as they can not change or take away the hurt and everything I've seen and heard in my past.

When I was singing tonight all I could think about was an earthly father when I was supposed to be singing about my heavenly one. 'I have known the father's care for me' I don't think I ever have.

Am going to bed now - am going to pray for you bw.

Take care,

Walkingonthemoon

Beautiful, please take care of yourself.

Lots of links and thoughts on this and your other thread. Hope you might feel able to reach out to one of the places mentioned, eg a religious organisation outside your current church.

People care for you, all those here for a start, but most of all your children, they love and need you to be here.

There are many on MN (me included) who think your husband is abusive and wish that you and the boys could get away from him. But whatever you decide about that, now or in the future, we are all hoping that you come through this hard time and are thinking about you.