Planning to walk away from everything for the weekend

[beautifulwho]

Hello, I'm back to tell you that I've had enough and I need everything to stop for a bit. I'm planning on going away for the weekend, leaving the husband with the kids, going to the shop and not coming back.

I don't know where to go but I can think of a few places where I could turn up and try my luck, I don't drive so I will need to take money from my husbands wallet and take my debit card for paying for somewhere to stay. The kids can go to MIL she's really good with them and I'll let my church know I'm alive and intend on staying that way. I need to take a bag with me with essentials and iron clothes for the boys and DH for church on Sunday, will aim to get back Sunday PM. I can't cope any other way.

I have had brief foster placements EPO's mainly, i have the same old 'starving' feeling in my chest, just the need to be taken in and cared for

I was on the way back from somewhere yesterday, singing in a gospel choir from church and just sat daydreaming that I was in my pastors car with his wife and was safe and I could sleep. I just felt safe, I need to feel safe and secure

If you know they are safe, have you asked them?
Is it because you are feeling low, that you are just assuming they will reject you?

I got someone to pray for me at church because I felt like I was saying goodbye to everyone for the last time, that I would never see any of them again and in my head it was ok

I think they would say no they're too busy or that I'm married now and need to grow up and be a mum and wife

If they are safe, ask them.
Are you scared that if they say no, the hurt will be a lot to bear?

Yes, I'll feel such an idiot for asking, I'm so stupid.

Oh sweetheart, truly I can't imagine that many people would turn you away if you explained that you needed to be cared for for a short while until you feel safe again.

I don't even know you and I want to tuck you up in a blanket on the sofa.

Please please ask these people you trust for some help x

It is not ok.Lots of people love you and need you.
Please dont assume what people will say.
Believe me, absolutely EVERYBODY needs reliable adults in their lives, even if they are not their birth parents.
I dont know if you have seen the news recently, but the deputy prime minister has his mum emailing him every day with bits of advice. And he is the deputy prime minister!

You are NOT stupid. Recognising and verbalising what you need is a difficult thing to do. Asking for it can be even harder.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a terrible time. None of this is your fault and it's very, very impressive that you are asking advice despite being in a very dark place. It is now time to take another step and call your gp for an emergency appointment - if there is another health professional you are in contact with, then see if you can make an emergency appointment with them. You must let someone who can offer professional help that you are having suicidal thoughts. You do not have to feel alone. There is help out there.

If I were you, I would ask 10 different safe people if necessary.
You are so not stupid.

You also dont realise, but by talking about this, you are helping other peoples lives.You are an important person.
I have been a bit bored recently, needing to do something different, and having worked with foster children previously, I now realise I want to go back into something similar. Thank you.

amillionyears I hope you do foster again, you sound lovely and I think society doesn't recognise the emotional pain of those who haven't experienced a loving home life x

I could phone my pastor and his wife and ask them if they would consider being my spiritual parents? How do you ask something like that?! I think I may spontaneously combust with embarrassment

hereigo thank you, I am a little about how I manage to bring up the boys without having a clue at what I'm doing, I think sometimes it shows but mainly I blag my way through most situations! X

beautiful Do what you have to do love but dont expect he will change because of it.A break will be nice for you but ultimately you will still return to the same horrible marriage.
You could get away from it all for good you know.

write, email, telephone, whichever or whatever is the least embarrassing for you.
Good luck
Do it girl!

If that doesnt work, come back on here, and we will help you .

beautiful I've been following and thinking about you all weekend. I was in a low, dark place nearly a year ago and did a lot of talking, reading and thinking to work out what I need to do for myself to be a better parent. I'm still coming out of it but it's really helped - even sobbing to a random GP once who recommended a couple of different meds to help deal with the short term crisis I felt I was in.

oh beautiful.
i'm glad you're alive and safe. i'm just so sorry for the pain you're feeling.

"I need to feel safe and secure "

How about a shelter?

Women with childhoods and marriages like yours report feeling safe and secure once they move themselves and DC to a shelter. Even if you return to your H after a stint there because you aren't ready to make a complete break, it will be respite for you. Which it certainly sounds like you need, from this thread's opener.

If you havent contacted the pastor and his wife yet, or done any of the other suggestions yet, dont be embarrased and think you cant carry on posting to us.Personally im the "do it" sort of person, but I understand that lots of other people arent like that.

amillionyears I spoke to him yesterday, just said I was struggling and he said 'well, I think we should come over then' so tonight at 7:45pm they'll be here. DH doesn't think it's wise to ask them as it just can't work, as I'm not close enough to them. In my heart I am but my pastor does keep people at a distance as he has too for his own sanity!

And God should always be enough