I know its over, this is what I want, I'm just sad...

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Some of you know the story from previous threads. I was the one whose fwit dh signed up for on-line dating after me and dd wouldn't go owl-watching with him one night. You couldn't make it up. EA for years, but just upped the ante, and then had a holiday from Hell, after which I got him to move out. Briefly toyed with the idea that the marriage might be salvageable with counselling, so talked about the possibility without actually getting back together. Quickly became obvious that he had no intention of changing his abusive ways, lying about everything including stuff too trivial to be worth it, etc. Originally said lets wait two years then go for seperated two years route. Have thought that I don't want this 'hanging' for that long, I am anxious among other things that he will try and screw me financially, as I have larger equity in house that idiot of a solicitor knew about and could have taken steps to protect on house purchase. So have mentioned tonight the posibility of just getting divorced, me to petition with the minimum necessary to get it through, and to try and resolve finances without all monies used up in legal fees. Has agreed, and said, "yes, I was thinking that" which has been response to me suggesting no point in counselling etc. Got to have been his idea. I am not at all suprised, but still sad, that we are in this position through his fuckwittery, and he has had no interest in fighting for the marriage. I doubt if I could forgive his years of horribleness, but I am just...sad. Say something comforthing if you can. I just would like to see a point where I might be happy again.

Have a ((hug)) and a honey.

Brighter and better times are not far ahead and you'll get there sooner than you think.

Thanks izzy...I just want not to be sad though.

On the plus side, you will no longer have to go owl-watching. [pathetic attempt at cheering up]

I'm getting divorced and it is almost unbearably sad sometimes. I alternate between being sad about our lost relationship and then being angry with stbxh for his inability to sort himself out and stop being so mean. I am now having occassional good days too, where I don't think about it much and can feel my life moving on. The kids seem to be feeling better too, which is a big relief. I think I'm getting less sad overall.

My divorced friend says she felt better once the divorce was through because it gave her some certainty about the situation. I'm trying to get divorced as quickly as possible.

Have you got wine/chocolate/something for the pain? You've got to be kind to yourself.
xx

After sad comes happy, at least. When stoicism doesn't work distraction is good-do something you enjoy...

No shortcuts im afraid

Thanks little...I recognise all of what you are saying. I think these things are better sorted out. I think there is something in there about believing you had a life-partner, who loved you' most in all the world' , and ditto (apart from dd). And then coming to the realisation that actually, no, they don't care very much at all.

Thanks job. Have and chocolate, and bought myself some today, so not all bad.

My mum loved being divorced after the initial shock. She was also very glad that she didn't have to go through his early death - his OW/next wife got to do that bit. As she says, she may not have got his pension, but she's got life and the grandkids.

Hugs and you will be happy again. I think it's almost impossible to believe that at this stage. When my friend told me that I'd get through it and be alright, I just thought "No, I really won't." But it was true. I know you just don't want to be sad but it IS sad and you feel how you feel. I know its been said on here before that the end of a marriage is like a bereavement but I really agree with that. You do mourn for how you wanted things to be, how those hopes were dashed, anger about what's happened, what you're having to go through and the unfairness of it etc. I do think the time when you have just decided it's over and are looking at how to go about it is one of the horridest and hardest. You can't even see the bloody tunnel let alone the light at the end of it. Please believe you will be OK and that there are people on here who have come out the other end and who are willing you on.

Thanks scary and tuna. I think I am still shocked. But I am shocked that I am shocked iuswim. The writing was on the wall, and I think I denied a lot of the EA was happening. I feel a bit naive, for an old gimmer whose been round the block a bit.

Without wishing to sound too Pollyanna-ish, If we didn't get sad we wouldn't be able to appreciate being happy.

Sad times can be constructive in that they enable our personal growth through self-knowledge and, in this respect, they can teach us valuable lessons about ourselves, about others, and about our intereaction with the world around us.

Life's a learning curve - try to enjoy the ride with all of it's ups and downs because it doesn't last for long.

Jeez, potted philosophy this early in the evening?

Izzy your post (thanks) made me think of the quote about screetchin to a halt at the Pearly Gates in a worn out shell of a body, glass of chardonnay in one hand, yelling "Woo hoo, what a ride". . Probably not your intention, but has cheered me a little. And yes, you are of course right about all else.

Of course it is sad, it is the end of hopes and dreams.
That doesn't mean that it isn't the right thing to do, it just means that coming to terms with the ending is hard.
But you get through it, and you move forward, and you wake up one day and the sun is shining and life is good.
Be kind to yourself, and your children, and let your friends and family be there for you and be kind to you.

Of course you'll be happy again. Yes it's an added kick in the teeth that he couldn't fight for it, but then, at least he's being consistant. Makes it easier to loathe him and not be pissed around endlessly wasting your life on him. At least you haven't wasted any more of your precious time. In a few months you'll be feeling a lot better, and in some months or years you'll be delightedly single or having fantastic screaming down the house sex with someone wonderful, considerate, honest, emotionally open, etc etc.
It'll all be fine; this is the shitest bit. So take heart, m'dear.

I know what you mean about realising that they don't care about you and it shattering your beliefs. I still can't take in the reality of our relationship. I think I romanticised the whole thing. Sometimes I feel that I have been more than naive, really idiotic. I listened to his words, not his actions, and always believed him when he said he'd change. Idiot.

Just realised that's not very cheering!

Wine, choc and flowers- very good. Have you got anything planned for Easter to keep you going? Days out with dd or something?

Thanks Hep and Squirrels. And, AND the arse of a man has suggested he buy ME out of the house that dd and I live in, after he has broken up the family. After all that he's done, he'd have me and dd have the further disruption of a bleddy move. Arse.

Am planning on booking on a coach-trip to a Wonderfully Tacky Northern seaside resort Little. Will need to catch up on business a bit first. It's interesting, apparently children will believe body language above words if they are inconsistent with each other, iuswim. It seems we lose the ability to do this, which is sad. And of course love gets in the way. Your head knows things and your heart won't listen.

That' how I'm planning to arrive, honey, although I have some misgivings as to whether my gondola will grind to a halt at the famed Pearly Gates or will arrive at a warmer destination.

It seems to me that in seeking to achieve happiness through others we have an infinite capacity for the type of optimism that borders on self-delusion, and that any resultant sadness when others fail to live up to our estimation of them is as much to do with distress at our failure to recognise their character flaws as our disappointment in them.

Parsley .... It's very natural to feel sad ... I'm a couple of years split/yr divorced and still have sad days because the story didn't pan out, not sad at all because in his early 40's he's soon to be dh number 3 to the ow! Good luck to them, haha
My dad passed away 2 months after my split and I thought I'd never be happy again .... But I am, very happy, despite ex continuing to be an awkward person.
Keep your chin up, happiness is truly ahead of you but you've got to experience this awful washing machine of emotion first ... Good luck xx

I wonder whether a part of you believes that you ought not to feel sadness, because you should be fully convinced the split was the right thing to do? Well it was the right thing, but feeling sad about it is OK too, you know. Maybe a fair bit of what you are losing was in fact an illusion, but you worked very hard to maintain it for a lot of years - that's the reason family life was so good, your hard work in the teeth of twunt's finest efforts at sabotage. Kind of like when people retire, they may be looking forward to a nice rest but for a while they are surprised to feel rather flat, sort of "er, what now?" It's a phase you have to go through, it doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Thanks Chloe and Annie...lots of this rings true. I think I tried pretty hard, but I'm not perfect. Think I thought that if only I was 3 stone thinner and the house was perfect all the time, it would have been ok. Someone pointed out then it would be 'wrong' because I would be 'too thin' (not in reality, but another stick to beat with). He used to complain we never had any 'fun' but apart from things he wanted to do, that we went along with (trains etc) never found out what form this elusive 'fun' would take... I do however draw the line at owl-watching...

You sound like you have a lovely sense of humour Parsley ... this will see you through .... you are you, don't change for anyone only change if you want to! No one is perfect and everyone has their faults x

This is true Chloe...thanks. And as someone on the abusive thread said recently, nice non-abusive men do not expect you to be perfect. And bleddy hell, I would need a whole thread to list faults which I just, weirdly, tolerated!

Parsley, I agree that you sound like you have a great sense of humour. I don't know how on earth I managed to laugh when I was dealing with the fall-out of my twat of an ex but somehow, I did. And being able to do that is sort of like putting 2 fingers up at the sad gits and saying we aren't going to give you the power to hurt us any more. Think we should leave owls out of this though. Any creature that can turn its head throuigh 360 degress, catch a vole in total darkness and eat it whole, expelling the fur and bones in a neat little pellet, is pretty cool and certainly a lot more impressive then a lot of blokes! Try have fun at the seaside. Eating fish and chips on the beach, scoffing vile, sweet rock, making sandcastles and losing loads of 2ps in the amusement arcades is the way to go. Sort of like counselling but with sand and seagulls. Keep on keeping on. Hugs.

Thanks tuna.

Had a great day out in Blackpool. So love it, I know its wrong, but.... Went in the Victorian Penny Arcade, Madam Tussaud's, all that stuff. Have seen the solicitor this week, she is drawing up the petition. He still has most of his stuff to get out, but I will put as much as I can into the garage, so that minimum time needs to be spent in the house. Any tips for surviving this painful moving out of stuff? He's still trying to frighten me...tried to say that someone had been tampering with the door lock the other day, and did I want him to fix it. No they haven't you fwit, and no I don't! Just want him to get his stuff and go. When he came for his motorbike he came mob-handed. There were about four other blokes plus him. He says they all came to get the bike (he sold it) but he's such a liar, and a Walter Mitty to boot, its hard to tell what's true.