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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know its over, this is what I want, I'm just sad...

99 replies

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/03/2012 19:11

Some of you know the story from previous threads. I was the one whose fwit dh signed up for on-line dating after me and dd wouldn't go owl-watching with him one night. You couldn't make it up. EA for years, but just upped the ante, and then had a holiday from Hell, after which I got him to move out. Briefly toyed with the idea that the marriage might be salvageable with counselling, so talked about the possibility without actually getting back together. Quickly became obvious that he had no intention of changing his abusive ways, lying about everything including stuff too trivial to be worth it, etc. Originally said lets wait two years then go for seperated two years route. Have thought that I don't want this 'hanging' for that long, I am anxious among other things that he will try and screw me financially, as I have larger equity in house that idiot of a solicitor knew about and could have taken steps to protect on house purchase. So have mentioned tonight the posibility of just getting divorced, me to petition with the minimum necessary to get it through, and to try and resolve finances without all monies used up in legal fees. Has agreed, and said, "yes, I was thinking that" which has been response to me suggesting no point in counselling etc. Got to have been his idea. I am not at all suprised, but still sad, that we are in this position through his fuckwittery, and he has had no interest in fighting for the marriage. I doubt if I could forgive his years of horribleness, but I am just...sad. Say something comforthing if you can. I just would like to see a point where I might be happy again.

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ParsleyTheLioness · 16/04/2012 08:55

Advice....anyone?

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mummytime · 16/04/2012 09:22

Okay, really try to get all his stuff in the garage, it will make you feel better.

The less you have to do with him, including his stuff the easier this will be. Try to only use one mode of communication with him. Try not to communicate if at all possible.

Change the locks? We recently changed ours to Banham ones, and I am really really impressed by how secure they are. Definitely worth the extra cost, they also limit who can get a new key cut.

Keep a record of things he says such as about the lock. Take photo graphs if he comes with a group again. Keep records. Make sure you have your phone with you incase you need to call the police.

You are doing well, keep going.

ParsleyTheLioness · 16/04/2012 09:26

Thanksmummy...good idea to take a photo, and keep notes. Previous solicitor said that unreasonable behaviour after seperation doesn't really count (para phrasing here), but might be necessary if he ups the ante again I agree. Have much more faith in this one. Weirdly, the firms logo is a lion...

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ParsleyTheLioness · 16/04/2012 09:27

More faith in this solicitor I meant.

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daffydowndilly · 16/04/2012 09:28

Going to the seaside sounds wonderful! Brilliant idea.

Advice.... not sure I have much, you are a little further down the line than I am, as my H was told to leave 3 weeks ago. But like you I am amazed at what I tolerated for so many years. My emotions go up and down, but the down feelings are more about grief for what could have been/my dreams/making a perfect family for my children, rather than what was. When I think about what was... the times I was happy was because of me, and he was not a good husband. He had me thinking I was EA him and feeling guilt. This was for expecting him to do the things he said he would, like come home before midnight, sober. To come home on his son's first birthday, sober, in time to eat cake. Or do anything at all with the children, other than watch tv and sit on the ipad. For not getting into heavy debt. For me wanting to see my family or our friends - ever. I was unreasonable for wanting to have a conversation with him, where he raised his eyes from the ipad screen. For not wanting him to drink heavily while looking after the children. For not liking him getting too close to other women. Watching porn. The list is endless. The more time I spend away from him, the clearer my view is that THANK god I am out of the relationship. It was literally killing me, and I didn't recognise myself. He had no respect for me or our marriage and there was nothing I could have done to make that different. It would have made no difference whether I was 10 stone or 20. I could never be who he wanted. (No one could).

He has not come around mob handed. But I am guessing the version of events he is telling everyone, is not the same as mine. Apparently, he has had helpful friendly advice (from married women?!) like screw anything that moves now he is single and footloose. Do you know, I think finding out why he had 'stolen' all the condoms from the house while 'breaking in' when we were away over Easter, that really did it for me. My values are so different to his, and my respect for him went. I am content that he can do what he wants. And I feel so sorry for him. And those women, if he finds any.

I am sad for me too, for losing myself over the past years, I am sad for my children for having this turmoil in their lives, I am sad for my dreams not being real, but I am overjoyed that I got out. I can do anything and I will never make these sorts of mistakes again. I have my life back and my serenity. I am happy. Life is really scary right now, but no one is telling me what to do/think/feel... yippeeeee.

daffydowndilly · 16/04/2012 09:32

I was going to say in the 3rd paragraph, my 'H' has not come round mob handed, but in his virtual world he has. Makes no difference, these virtual or real life mates are not going to break in to a house with kids and take things, it is bravado and machoism, it is to make his heavily bruised ego feel better. Quite childish in my mind.

mummytime · 16/04/2012 09:56

It might not count as unreasonable behaviour, but it does count as intimidation and harassment. If it is going to continue, then you may want something done about it.

I'm glad you had a good time away BTW.

ParsleyTheLioness · 16/04/2012 12:51

Thanks. I'd just seen it as part of getting rid ofhim, but it reminds me I can't let my guard down for a second.

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ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 09:29

He's collecting the stuff on Sunday, because I am working Saturday. I would ideally like him to get it on Saturday, when i get back from work, so its done, and I can have a glass or four of wine on Saturday night knowing that at least that part of it is over Presumabley the van he will have hired will need to be collected on the Saturday anyhoo. I need to balance this with the idea that if he knows I am at work, and what time I finish, he will appear earlier and put dd in an awkward position. Don't want him in the house without me...on his last night in the house, when I took pity on him although he was leaving in the morning, he managed to 'intefere' with the boiler (he's a plumber) and there are still keys that seem to have gone missing, although all locks are now change. So, wait one more night, or get it done? MN jury, its over to you....I shall not hold anyone responsible, just canvassing opinions. I am my own woman really most of the time

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TimeForMeAndDD · 18/04/2012 09:37

Parsely the new assertive me would advise you to take control, not let him dictate to you what happens. If you want him to collect his things on Saturday then tell him so, you don't have to give him a reason why, you don't owe him an explanation, just tell him! Does he actually know you will be at work? You don't have to give him this information either, if he doesn't know. Could you arrange to be home on Saturday so that you can keep an eye on things? Or could you get all his 'stuff' into the garden so he has no need to come into any part of the property?

This is your life now, time to take back control Smile

Doha · 18/04/2012 09:39

Get it done Saturday and celebrate on Sunday.

Give him a time after work when it will be suitable for you, it's not your problem how or when he gets or has to give back the van.
Can you tell your DD not to answer the door if he comes early, in fact tell him noone will be at home until you get back.

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 20:00

Thanks peeps, he has said he is picking the van up on Sunday, but have no idea whether they are open on Sunday. Wondering if he will get it Saturday, then return Sunday/Monday. Feel I want to ring the hire place to see if they do hire on Sunday mornings, but then I am getting myself in his sh*t again...

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LittleHouseofCamelias · 18/04/2012 20:20

Hi Parsley I read your thread with appetite as I am at a similar point. 18m since I left FWH and all of us, H and me and 3DC are all grieving for our lost family. DD2 was laughing at herself for still believing I might go back and "make everything better". Laughing and crying! But H has a new woman, fresh out of an acrimonious split of her own (!), and I have my sanity back.

Now H (possibly fuelled by his DP whispering in his ear) is keen to get the divorce going and wants to meet "to talk".
I am SO SCARED because he messes with my head, reduces me to a sobbing halfwit and spaghetti head. I have avoided being alone with him ever since a ghastly motorway journey when I sobbed for 4 hours.
It seems childish not to meet to discuss how we proceed. But if he tries any funny stuff I will be off to the solicitors at double speed.
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine!

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 20:44

Ok Little, 'Cum by yah, my Lord'...no seriously....
I have avoided meeting not so dh to 'talk', I don't want him messing any more with my head. I communicate via text, and a little when he picks up dd. He wanted to talk, but he will try and suck me in. You do NOT owe him this, and if you feel it will be an issue, communicate via email, text, carrier pigeon...

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ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 20:48

And I see your four hour motorway journey, and raise you five hours. After a holiday from hell, with witch of a mil...That was the end of a 20yr marriage for me. Final straw I mean, thread about it already, at the time.

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LittleHouseofCamelias · 18/04/2012 20:56

To be fair he offered me the choice of venue and timing and if I said no he would accept it. I think it shocks him that I, a mature capable professional woman, am afraid to be alone with him after 28 years together. He can't accept how he must appear to me.

But I can get up and leave, I am not trapped, and the alternative is VERY expensive!! Grin

PillarBoxRedRoses · 18/04/2012 21:01

After my just 2 hour car journey (usually 20 min, usually clear road, but ill timed accident) on the way back from our last, ill fated attempt to sort things out, I am terrified to be alone with mine (not that he is mine anymore, thank goodness).

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 21:06

Little not suggesting solicitors, just email, or not meeting him.

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ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 21:08

Pillar I know how you feel. That's when I realised I didn't want to do Marriage Guidance. cos of the distance involved, it would have made sense to travel together, and I realised I really didn't want to travel in the same car with him.

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PillarBoxRedRoses · 18/04/2012 21:14

It's fear for my state of mind rather than immediate safety. I am starting to get detached and would be so easy to get sucked back in.

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 21:18

I think that's what I'm trying to say to Little, but I am unsafe round not so dh for both reasons.

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PillarBoxRedRoses · 18/04/2012 21:20

:( and worried for you. But I have read all your threads and they inspired me to get out, so Thanks

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/04/2012 21:28

Me Pillar? Or Little?

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NomNomNom · 18/04/2012 23:06

It is so disappointing when one's fuckwit of a husband doesn't even want to fight for the relationship, but just says 'ok, if that's what you want, it's probably for the best'. It's really sad, when they're the ones who messed things up in the first place and have destroyed other people's lives through their actions. Sounds like you're better off without him though.

ParsleyTheLioness · 19/04/2012 07:46

I agree Nom, that's sorta what happened here. He effed the relationship up to the point he forced me into making the decision for him. Presumably he wanted to be free, but was too much of a coward. But he contacts me by text almost daily, on some flimsy pretext, so he sorta wants to be single, but for me to be his substitute mummy and friend to.

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