How often do you row?

[CupOfBrownJoy]

I've been with DP 10 months and we're getting married in July. In my mind there is no question that the speed with which it has all happened has put me under a little bit of stress.

DP is generally very easy going, although saying that if something really gets to him he can sulk for ages. I'm the opposite, I'm quick to lose my rag but always very quick to get over it, and I will apologise if I feel I was unfair or overstepped the mark.

My ex and I never had an argument, until he turned round after 4 years and said he wanted us to split up. A total shock.

So, I kind of made a decision when I met DP that he was going to have me warts-and-all. By that I mean no pussyfooting around if he was pissing me off (which I did with my ex). However recently, and I'm sure because I'm feeling a bit stressed about life at the moment (wedding, we're ttc and I'm also moving jobs to be closer to him AND moving into his very small flat over his business, in which he works 18 hour days) I have turned into a raging, hormonal nightmare.

We're rowing a fair bit - nothing I would call serious, but its been most days this week and has ranged from his (incessant) smoking, him walking off from me mid sentence in the supermarket (I cried at that ), his untidyness, his insistence that I instruct a different tax advisor.... you name it, we seem to have fallen out about it.

What I want to ask is, is this normal? Is it ok to be rowing about this sort of stuff because we're "getting it into the open", or am I being the world's worst nag? Or is he a pain in the ass to live with (as I sometimes think)?

My parents row ALL the time and have been together 40 years, so maybe some couples just operate like this? At times though I think I'm turning into my DM though and that is obviously Not Good

So, how often do you row? Who causes the rows (mostly)? And what do you row about?

Thanks

Tbh, I would leave ttc until after the wedding. It will be harder anyway if you are stressed.

Apart from that, he seems to be rather controlling, which is a red flag, as is walking off when you are in the supermarket.

As you've only known each other 10 months, would it be an idea to postpone the wedding for a few months.

We've been together for nearly 37 years, married for nearly 35, and don't row very often. We squabble from time to time, but that's it.

Once every six months we row, whether we need to or not

Usually instigated by me when pre-menstrual and have no chocolate.

We I row about stupid stuff like his clothes pile, why he walks past his clothes pile, why the feck doesn't he just put his clothes away, why I've taken the clothes pile away and washed it (have OCD over laundry), i've just tripped over the clothes pile, why are worn socks even IN his clothes pile .

Basically all clothes pile related.

FIO - His clothes pile lives next to our bed, opposite his vast wardrobe and cosists of items he says are not dirty enough to put in the laundry. I disagree. A lot.

You shouldn't be rowing like that after only 10 months. You should be totally and utterly in the first throes! Good relationships dont make you cry.

I think the crying is more about my hormones being all over the place at the moment, and he walked off in the supermarket because he claims he didn't hear that I was speaking to him.

Funnily enough he's not controlling at all. I'm the controlling one and the rows are mostly because I want him to water the plants, pick his washing up off the floor, clean the flat, stop smoking etc etc etc.

I think the problem is with me, rather than him or the relationship to be honest. I do wonder if having everything happen at once is ending up too much for me, but I don't want to stop ttc (I'm 34 he's 44) and the wedding is booked, and I don't want to postpone it.

I do feel like I could quite happily not move in with him though, as its house stuff that is driving me bonkers. I've lived on my own a long time and I like things just SO. It drives me insane that he's not very domesticated. I know I should leave it but I just can't seem to...

thanks for your replies, sorry I forgot to add that

And Katie how do you live with the clothes pile? Its stuff like that that is sending me over the edge

I don't think that at 10 months in you should be rowing much..it suggests that there are many areas of conflict. Maybe you can tolerate it now but what if it doesn't change, i.e he doesn't stop smoking. If he's 44 he's likely to be how he will always be.
How you communicate and resolve issues is key..stand back and analyse these. Don't marry just because the wedding is booked...

"So, how often do you row?"

Honestly? Never. We grumble and bicker now and again but never, ever have a shouting match. Both OH and I hate conflict and confrontation and we are both boring and predictable so there is never any need to fight.

I don't think we would be rowing so much if we didn't have everything else happening at the same time. Its all making me very anxious and its ME who is causing the rows.

DP is just happy that we've met, that we're marrying, that I'm moving in. He can't see any problems. I have an issue with control and I feel I'm changing an awful lot about my life to fit in with him, and that is making me quite difficult to live with. He can't move in with me etc for various reasons so its me making all the changes.

I think it might all be too much, but I don't know how to slow things down or change things, and I definitely don't know how to do it without it seeming to DP like I don't want to be with him. It would break his heart to think I was having any kind of negative thoughts regarding our future life together.

Nope you shouldn't be rowing like that so soon. And you're not sure about living with him?

Dp and I have been together almost 4 years, don't row. Had the odd squabble. I'm 43 and he's 56. He's taken on my 2 sons and yes there's been ups and downs but we've been solid. I didn't row with exdh either and was with him a long time. Only split because we were like brother and sister. Plus other stuff but we got on well.

You sound like you've panicked and are rushing things imo?

but Bunbaker I included the bit about my ex because that kind of plays on my mind too - we never rowed but in the end it all fell to pieces...

So part of me thinks maybe rowing is better because at least everyone knows where they stand?

Sorry, I'm going round in circles.

yes I feel a bit rushed to be honest. Not at first, but now its all becoming a bit "real".

I think we can spend the rest of our lives together, I think we want the same things and I think we can bring up children together. But I think I would be enjoying it more if I was 25 and didn't feel this hurry. And it partly comes from me and my biological clock, not just him.

You're not that old you know. I think you really need to sit down and have a right good chat. I would definitely put TCC off for a year or so and enjoy getting to know one another. 10 months is not very long.

I get the feeling that the rows are because you have just started to live together and actually you live in very different ways (eg expectation re tidying up).
It might be that you will get over it together and find a mid way that is suitable for you both.
Or it might be that these things are not negociable and will send you, as a couple over the edge.
I am surprised you've decied to get married together even though you have never lived together before.

As a side note, did you notice how often you wrote think?

Maybe its bickering rather than rowing. In fact, its probably not even bickering. Its me getting stressed about domestic things, biting my lip for a while and then nagging about it, then losing my rag about it. He spends most of the time looking hurt and confused, then pissed off when I won't stop going on.

God I hate myself, I'm a miserable nagging old cow

We started ttc very early on, so we've been trying quite a while already. Brings it home again that we might be too old/too late etc to stop now. Maybe that would relieve some of the stress though. It might also bring it home to DP that I AM having serious issues here and I'm not just nagging....

I think peppa has possibly hit the nail on the head. That's what I hope and feel anyway - we are two older people set in our ways, trying to find a way to live together. I know I'm fruitlessly attempting to convert DP over to my "way" (OCD cleanliness and tidiness) as I'm worried he's the type where I'll end up doing EVERYTHING once we live together. Its this that puts me off moving in...

Oh and we don't live together already due to distance and work (I currently work 1.5 hours away from DP)

that's it, SecondComing, DP actually has a hearing problem from years being on stage as a musician. He doesn't hear me, and I have to repeat everything and I end up nagging and it also drives me nuts.

We just seem to have had a lot to "manage" in our short time together. Not the least of which is DP's business, which can also be a source of stress and strife. He works long unsociable hours, all weekend. It adds to the stress.

sorry I'm not meaning to drip feed its just sort of all coming out

We 'proper row' maybe a half dozen times a year, and almost always due to too much to drink and PMT. I think that's quite a lot, but my DH is very dominating and if I didn't stand up to him, he'd quite unconsciously squash me out of our marriage.

I worry that I'm dominating DP too AuntLucy. Is it that you get fed up with a few of the dominating things he does, then it builds up and you have a row?

I'm not sure why we're in such a rush either tbh. DP said he loved me very early, and proposed after 4 months...

I think this is all happening so fast you are both trying to stay the same/do things the same way as always instead of compromising maybe? I think sometimes you just need to breathe and let things go. Stress will not help with ttc so maybe try to not focus on that so much for now? Having said that my nan always said she spent half the time loving my grandad the other half yelling at him-they were married for 60 years and adored each other, the rows were just the fire as my nan called it however if you are crying about this just 10 months in I don't think that's a good sign for your relationship. Dp and I bicker rarely row you cannot agree all the time it's about compromise and during a row he has never made me cry. Sorry if none of that is any help, I hope you can work it out