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Original poster

How often do you row?

84 replies

CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 18:25

I've been with DP 10 months and we're getting married in July. In my mind there is no question that the speed with which it has all happened has put me under a little bit of stress.

DP is generally very easy going, although saying that if something really gets to him he can sulk for ages. I'm the opposite, I'm quick to lose my rag but always very quick to get over it, and I will apologise if I feel I was unfair or overstepped the mark.

My ex and I never had an argument, until he turned round after 4 years and said he wanted us to split up. A total shock.

So, I kind of made a decision when I met DP that he was going to have me warts-and-all. By that I mean no pussyfooting around if he was pissing me off (which I did with my ex). However recently, and I'm sure because I'm feeling a bit stressed about life at the moment (wedding, we're ttc and I'm also moving jobs to be closer to him AND moving into his very small flat over his business, in which he works 18 hour days) I have turned into a raging, hormonal nightmare.

We're rowing a fair bit - nothing I would call serious, but its been most days this week and has ranged from his (incessant) smoking, him walking off from me mid sentence in the supermarket (I cried at that Blush ), his untidyness, his insistence that I instruct a different tax advisor.... you name it, we seem to have fallen out about it.

What I want to ask is, is this normal? Is it ok to be rowing about this sort of stuff because we're "getting it into the open", or am I being the world's worst nag? Or is he a pain in the ass to live with (as I sometimes think)?

My parents row ALL the time and have been together 40 years, so maybe some couples just operate like this? At times though I think I'm turning into my DM though and that is obviously Not Good Sad

So, how often do you row? Who causes the rows (mostly)? And what do you row about?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 19:54

The crying is hormonal, definitely!!

It is a help Mama1980, thanks. I know I have been very stubborn determined not to "compromise myself" in this relationship because I feel that my ex took every ounce of independence I had then dumped me and left me with nothing.

It has made me hell to live with I think. I want DP to do things the way I do them, I want him to change to suit me, fundamentally, and that's not fair.

Bloody hell though can I live with the mess and disorganisation??

OP posts:
crazyhead · 29/03/2012 19:57

I hardly ever row with my OH, just because we're peaceable and don't have anything to row about, and he hardly ever annoys me. My parents have never ever argued, nor have his. It is just down to temperament.

I think only you can know whether your arguments are helpful air-clearings that ultimately make your relationship stronger, or just nasty and stressful and about one or both of you being a bit intolerant.

I'd say you and your OH kind of need the radar set at a similar mark on this. There isn't a right answer. I agree that the best thing to do is have a proper talk just generally about things.

jifnotcif · 29/03/2012 19:58

No, Cup, you shouldn't have children with this man. I think you are panicking and will end up marrying second best. Freeze your eggs, take a break from this hiding to nowhere and wait for number one to come along. This relationship will not get better and you need to take stock. Once children appear you will double the hardships and pass the stress down to the next generation.

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 19:59

I've decided to have a chat tonight, if he ever finishes work.

I think I have to admit my role in this and try to explain why I am behaving like this. I think I might suggest stopping ttc until after the summer maybe too.

I might just point out a few domestic issues that he could maybe be a bit more diligent about to try and head me off on the nagging? Or is that nagging again?

OP posts:
Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:00

umm what makes you say he's a hiding to nowhere jif?

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vezzie · 29/03/2012 20:04

If you don't like the smoking now, you should break up because that will only get worse (the annoyance I mean).

The walking off in the supermarket - you say he "claimed" not to hear you - if you don't believe him, then do you think he's a bit weasely or something? In which case, this is only going to get worse. When you are stuck to the sofa with a limpet baby on your breast and you have half a cup of cold tea and you want a full cup of hot tea, and you say to his retreating back, "sweetie, could you..." and he disappears - this will KILL you if you think he is wandering off for a quiet life.

mumblechum1 · 29/03/2012 20:04

In my view, there is an order which works, certainly for dh and I:

  1. Move in together
  2. Talk about marriage and kids and thrash it all out over a period of months
  3. If still keen, get married (for legal reasons - I'm a cynical divorce lawyer)
  4. Try to conceive

We used to fight like cat and dog for the first 5 years notwithstanding the logical order above but have now been married 20 years and the last row we had was 7 months ago.

Yama · 29/03/2012 20:06

Seems to me that you are making all the sacrifices and changes to be in this relationship.

You may feel like you are asking him to change for you but actually you are doing all the changing.

If his ways annoy you now - factor in a baby.

Not sure what I would do. Spell it out to him maybe?

I realise you didn't ask for advice. How often do we row? Um, rarely. We have differences of opinion and have learned how to talk so that the other will listen.

Mama1980 · 29/03/2012 20:08

I'm glad Smile I think talking sounds a great idea, I hope he's home soon. Maybe if you just explain why things will improve. Only u can know how much you are willing to compromise though, you can compromise things without compromising yourself if that makes sense?

SweetGrapes · 29/03/2012 20:08

We had rows after getting married. Lots. Settled down after 3-4 months. Then we had rows after dc2 was born. This time I just couldn't stand anything he did and kept nit picking on everything. Now we're lovey dovey again.
Been together 14 years now and mostly rowed at power struggle/ housework distribution changes. One the balance is settled again we go back into lovey-doveyness.
I love a good juicy row Haven't rowed for quite sometime now.

Smum99 · 29/03/2012 20:08

I think you have to analyse the issues & conflicts, differences in being tidy could be a major challenge for harmonious relationship and I think you have to assume that he will not improve.
Also I would be concerned that you have 'given up' so much, unless there are major positives for you it's likely you will be feel resentful.

Consider how you would feel if he could not have children? Would you be prepared to live with him childless??
If he works long long hours have you considered how you might feel in a new area with a baby, effectively a single mum at weekends? Will you have a support network.

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:10

I am making all the sacrifices, I know that. I'm moving, I'm changing jobs. I have a language barrier too (not in UK) which makes it all even harder.

However it HAS to be this way as DP started his own business last summer and it is totally not moveable. The choice is basically that either I move or we carrying on being LD. Even then I'd still have to move eventually.

Maybe I expect him to make changes to the way he lives as a sort of compensation to me? I don't know.

And yes, the smoking is AWFUL. But he wants to give up.

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Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:14

Consider how you would feel if he could not have children? Would you be prepared to live with him childless??

I would, I have thought about adopting or fostering too and I think we'd be great at that. I want what he's offering ASIDE from children, iyswim. He's lovely, kind, patient (he has to be!), trustworthy, fun etc

If he works long long hours have you considered how you might feel in a new area with a baby, effectively a single mum at weekends? Will you have a support network.

THIS seriously worries me. Seriously. I would effectively be a single parent, and until his business starts making more money there's not much he can do about this. He has already taken on some extra help and he says his priority is me, not the business (that's not very practical, I admit - we have to eat!). The language barrier makes me potentially very isolated. I have started to make my own friends around here, and he does a lot to support that.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 29/03/2012 20:16

This is far too much too soon. Take heed of your gut instinct and slow down.

If you keep going at this pace, you're setting yourself up for a 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' scenario whereby your former lifestyle will be a dim distant memory that you bitterly regret giving up while his undergoes no discernible change whatsoever.

I can't think of many quicker routes to the divorce courts than a wedding/honeymoon ruined by morning sickness or other pg complications followed by being home alone 'over the business' with a pfb while he's absent working all hours and where only occasional wafts of tobacco smoke will remind you that you have a h and your baby has a father.

Your biological clock has a long time to tick before it stops. Take ttc off the table and give it at least a year to see how living with him works out before you give any consideration to having another try.

What is your dp's romantic history? Has he had long term live-in relationships, has he been married, does he have kids?

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:19

"being home alone 'over the business' with a pfb while he's absent working all hours and where only occasional wafts of tobacco smoke will remind you that you have a h and your baby has a father."

oh God. This, exactly...

DP hasn't been married before, no kids. Two major relationships, 5 and 8 years I think. Says he never felt strongly enough about exes to want to marry them, but was very full on very quickly with me.

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izzyizin · 29/03/2012 20:20

And now there's a language barrier to chuck into the mix? Jeez, no wonder your alarm bells are ringing fit to bust - fgs listen to them and take appropriate action to turn them off.

izzyizin · 29/03/2012 20:21

Is the weddding/honeymoon booked? Have you bought the outfit?

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:22

All booked and paid for.

OP posts:
Yama · 29/03/2012 20:23

Do you have a job to go to when you move?

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:25

yes, I'm moving to our "sister" school about 40 mins away (teacher)

OP posts:
Yama · 29/03/2012 20:29

Good. Would you be eligible for maternity leave?

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:31

Not a fucking sausage. I'm trying to get my contract changed at the moment, just waiting to hear.

Management are gits, generally Sad

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izzyizin · 29/03/2012 20:34

Mmm... I'm getting the impression that your relationship may have sprung from something of a mid-life crisis on his part.

At 44 he's taken stock, his mates' dcs are growing fast and he has none, his career hadn't worked out as he'd once hoped, decided to make some radical alterations, set up a new business venture, ... you get the picture.

There's nothing wrong with that per se - all credit to him for making a leap of faith and I'm not in any way implying that his feelings for you are anything other than genuine, but getting his business off the ground is his baby and he's best advised to grow it before he starts fathering rl ones.

Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:34

I must be nuts to be ttc mustn't I?

No mat pay
At the moment, if I get pg I lose my job. Forever.
No decent place to live (flat above the business is tiny, 1 bedroom)
DP working 15 hours a day 6 days a week
Been together 10 months
No family support
No close friends (yet) in the village
No money

All I've been hearing is my clock ticking... but if we stop now after 7 months of nothing, we may as well sign up for IVF now for when we start again in a few months time!?

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Original poster
CupOfBrownJoy · 29/03/2012 20:36

He's just texted me "Are you ok? I love you"

I'm sitting in the corner madly typing away. I must look pretty serious.... Confused

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