How often do you row?

[CupOfBrownJoy]

I've been with DP 10 months and we're getting married in July. In my mind there is no question that the speed with which it has all happened has put me under a little bit of stress.

DP is generally very easy going, although saying that if something really gets to him he can sulk for ages. I'm the opposite, I'm quick to lose my rag but always very quick to get over it, and I will apologise if I feel I was unfair or overstepped the mark.

My ex and I never had an argument, until he turned round after 4 years and said he wanted us to split up. A total shock.

So, I kind of made a decision when I met DP that he was going to have me warts-and-all. By that I mean no pussyfooting around if he was pissing me off (which I did with my ex). However recently, and I'm sure because I'm feeling a bit stressed about life at the moment (wedding, we're ttc and I'm also moving jobs to be closer to him AND moving into his very small flat over his business, in which he works 18 hour days) I have turned into a raging, hormonal nightmare.

We're rowing a fair bit - nothing I would call serious, but its been most days this week and has ranged from his (incessant) smoking, him walking off from me mid sentence in the supermarket (I cried at that ), his untidyness, his insistence that I instruct a different tax advisor.... you name it, we seem to have fallen out about it.

What I want to ask is, is this normal? Is it ok to be rowing about this sort of stuff because we're "getting it into the open", or am I being the world's worst nag? Or is he a pain in the ass to live with (as I sometimes think)?

My parents row ALL the time and have been together 40 years, so maybe some couples just operate like this? At times though I think I'm turning into my DM though and that is obviously Not Good

So, how often do you row? Who causes the rows (mostly)? And what do you row about?

Thanks

Sorry to hear that CupofBrownJoy. Perhaps it is better that he is showing you who he really is before you give up everything and become dependent on him.

I'm so sorry, it's so sad when a relationship looks like it isn't going to work. I would have loved the "happy ever after" but it doesn't always happen. My ex's friend tried to warn me before I got married about my ex but I didn't listen, I wish I had however...I hope the time at home helps you to make a decision.

It can feel terrifying, especially when a wedding is booked but I think you have sufficient doubts to know that everything isn't right. I met my dh in my late 30's, I wish it had happened earlier but I have learned that it's best to get out of relationships when you know they are not right.

I'm not planning on finishing the relationship for good (just yet), I just want to get to know him better before we get married.

Even his friends have asked "why the rush?" so all I am doing to slowing us right down.

He's still a lovely guy, considerate, good fun and we want the same things. I just think if he has to wait for those things, and if he knows he's not necessarily going to get everything just as he wants it, handed to him on a plate, that will ultimately be better for both of us.

Well done OP. Remember "If in doubt DON'T".

That's good that you're having a rethink. Bit worrying re:business though.

Good lord. I think you should definitely postpone.

It might not be easy but it's still easier than getting out of a disastrous marriage down the line.

Asking you to marry him in 4m? Red flag
Failure to admit he's wrong = red flag
Not prepared to contribute to tackling tasks = red flag

There are more there if I dig for them I'm sure.

The fact is that the biggest issue with a rushed relationship is that it's out of control, irrational and head spinning stuff. You are being rushed in all areas, being forced to change your life from night to day and he can't even be bothered to pull his weight in HIS flat?

It can take between 18m and 2yrs for a relationship to turn abusive. If you follow the trail that is being blazed by this man, you will be married and PG possibly even have a child by then and the chances of you getting out and to safety would be lessened.

Think about YOU as a 'package' You are 34 years of age to his 44. (you win) You have your life ahead of you (him, not so much - I'm 44 this year, I'm allowed to say that!)

You have a job, somewhere to live, you did all that by yourself. For the sake of this man, you are being expected to jack it all in and move into a 1bed flat above a business to wait for him to come home? If you get PG, you will have NO financial support of your own.

Postponing the ttc is a fabulous idea, even before we take into account your most recent post. Wait to get pg until you are actually eligible for MB for example.

If I were you, I would also be VERY wary of this business thing, if he's not paying bills and gets sued, bailiffs etc, all your stuff would get seized too if you move in with him, and worse you could BOTH end up out of a home if he's evicted.

He's not being straight with you. Fact of the matter, you don't know him well enough. he had very little stickability by the sounds of it, yet you are prepared to throw your entire life into his total control in less than a year.

Don't marry him (yet) STOP ttc.

YOU are a catch, YOU can write your own ticket at 34. He can't. Recognise and value your worth. From what you have written, he is NOT worth all the sacrifice you are potentially making. He's not giving any thought to your security if he's not paying bills now.

I think you need to cool the whole thing RIGHT down. i think calling it all off would be even more advisable.

Well said HH.

One of the other things that concerns me is that you are making yourself very dependent on him if you get pregnant. You haven't decent accommodation and won't get maternity pay and he doesn't seem to want to reassure you that everything will be OK (yes he's saying it but he's not proving it).

Another major concern is the fact that a very good friend of his agrees that this is a mid life crisis rather than a desire to spend his life with you. This rings major alarm bells to me, as even his friend is concerned that it's all about him and not about you.

But you never know he might be a lovely bloke who has just got lucky. I think taking away the pregnancy thing (can you get your eggs frozen these days or is that just media hype?) will give you an opportunity to stand back and observe who he really is.