Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really need some advice on a new relationship

80 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 27/03/2012 11:13

Righ, bit of background, i'm a single mum of 3, been single for 6 years with one painful fling about a year ago.

So, a boloke i used to work with starts flirting with me on fb. I already know him obviously, cos i worked with him, but also cos he is a mate of the bloke I had a fling with, although they are not close mates.

I wasn't at all sure about starting a relationship with anyone, mainly because I have alot going on with the kids and moving etc atm, but I agreed he could come round as a mate a few times, and things progressed beyond mates (not sex though). He wanted/wants a relationship and after getting over me nerves and reservations about being hurt again, i agreed.
We went out for lunch yesterday and had a really lovely time and i was sure i'd made the right choice.

Later on the night he came round again, and met my kids. They did already know about him btw, and two of them had met him previously once while we were out and about. I would never normaly introduce my kids so soon. Kids loved him, he loved them, they all got on fab.

So, later on, on the night things got heated and we attempted to have sex BUT he couldn't keep an erection. I was honestly not at all bothered or worried about this and put it down to first time nerves or something. I would have quite happily forgot about it. However, his reaction is what has caused the problem.

He immediatly pushed me away and told me to leave him alone, wouldn't speak or look at me. Both sat back down on sofa and he wouldn't let me hold his hand or arm or anything and started saying how this was never going to work because it would happen again and i'd not put up with not having sex etc. He said it had happened a few times before, but that normally when he gets comfortable with someone it's ok. He was quite angry, not towards me but just in general. He then cried and I tried to comofrt him and he wouldn't let me.

I can't quite describe what I mean, but it was a bit like a grown man having a huge tantrum/sulk. I had no problem with what happened except for his reaction to it. I said that surely it was up to me wether i could put up wth it or not, but that i wasn't sure i could put up with his reaction to it every time it happened, and being pushed away and made to feel like i did something wrong.

He kept asking me to decide there and then if it was over. I said that i couldn't decide just like that, and it wasnt fair of him to ask. He said he needed to know, and so i said that he'd have to decide for himself then, and he said ok, it won't work. He kept saying it, like he was waiting for me to change his mind for him.

He eventually left and he has now txt this morning saying that he is sorry, and he overeacted but that he can't help it. He wants me to tell him if we are finished or not.

I don't know, i really don't. Part of me thinks he is worth another chance, but then part of me thinks that i don't need the hassle, if this is how he is going to be. Plus what if he reacts like that to other situations ?

I feel like I have been so stupid, yet again, and either desicion, would be stupid too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 11:16

walk away now, love, it's not too late to decide you want to go no further with him

this man has huge issues and you don't owe him anything

berra · 27/03/2012 11:17

What any fucker said word for word

PurpleBlue · 27/03/2012 11:18

Shock blimey, there are so many things about that post I could comment on..

Ill stick with "what AF said".

AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 11:20

I find "succinct" works best here Smile

I don't have all day to detail the world of pain Op will be letting herself in for if she mistakenly thinks she can "help" a man who at such an early stage is using emotional blackmail and fucking with her head.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 27/03/2012 11:33

You've said exactly what i thought you would tbh, and pretty much what I thought myself.

He is younger than me (26 and im 33), but i think it's more than that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 11:36

yes, it's much more than that

suburbophobe · 27/03/2012 11:42

He´s really not worth the mind fuck.....

Just be thankful he showed himself so soon.

Next!

shinecrazydiamond · 27/03/2012 11:47

Just respond to his text with a simple ' yes we are finished. '

LiarsWife · 27/03/2012 12:04

I think you're about to have a lucky escape from this one OP .. better luck next time! x

lambethlil · 27/03/2012 12:09

Run for the hills...but better luck for next time.

fluffyanimal · 27/03/2012 12:20

Well I'm going to go against the grain here. If this behaviour had shown up in relation to any other issue then I might agree, but this has happened in relation to erectile dysfunction. The guy obviously has no self-esteem and expects rejection. He is therefore pre-empting the rejection he anticipates from you as he does not believe he is worth more. Now you may not want to get involved with a bloke with self-esteem issues for a variety of reasons, but this reaction to his erectile problem does not mean he is going to be an emotional blackmailer altogether.

Imagine the OP was a man writing about his new girlfriend's vaginismus and her very defensive, self-hating reaction to her inability to perform. Would we all be advising him to ditch her, or to be more compassionate, to give it time and see if they could work it out?

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 12:21

You had a 'painful fling' a year ago and if you don't want to make it an annual event you know what you have to do.

As you've said, you've already got 3 dc and you don't need the hassle of taking on another fully grown one.

lambethlil · 27/03/2012 12:23

But fluffy she has a busy life and 3 DCs- she's just not that into him.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 12:27

there's always one Smile

BalloonSlayer · 27/03/2012 12:29

Maybe I'd reply "yes we are finished, but not because of the sex thing, that was not a big deal, but because of how you behaved about it"

Otherwise he will just think you dumped him because of the ED, and that will make it worse for him next time he gets a chance of sex.

lambethlil · 27/03/2012 12:29

AF was that at me?

AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 12:30

no, lil

AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 12:32

there are always women who come along to threads like this who try to tell other women that simply having a relationship is more important than the shit the relationship will put you through

Vintagelover · 27/03/2012 12:35

Although these could be very early signs of control etc and you maybe should get out of there as others have put..

His reaction could also be down to embarrisment and a feeling of not being good enough. People deal with things in very different ways.

You say he is younger than you, by quite a bit. It could be that he hasnt had many serious 'things' with woman. It could be he realy realy likes you and was so eager to impress and was so nervous that he couldnt perform.. it happens!!

The way he acted yes was imature and silly but then he is young and maybe in his head you were thinking he is a looser or laughing at him, or mentally telling your mates .. don't forget you dont know each other that well yet and the mind can be cruel! At least he apoligised this morning.

All I am saying is although it could be a bad sign, it is NOT definatly a bad sign and I think in this situation he deserves the benefit of the doubt.
That is only though if you like him enough and see a future, if its a bit take it or leave it.. then dont bother!

Explain to him how you feel and that it was all fine until his reaction.. say you dont want to split but a talk would be good as there is no relationship without understanding and communication. Hopefully he will be adult enough to understand where you are coming fromand go from there.

Just think how mortifyied he might have been.. first time with the older woman you realy fancy.. :-(

Hopefully you can sort it out and talk if not and he continues to be unncomunitive ( sorry cant spell! :-) then good luck there are plenty more to choose from lol ;-p

lambethlil · 27/03/2012 12:37
Grin

Op don't feel bad, as BalloonSlayer suggests perhaps tell him it wasn't about what happened but his subsequent behaviour (but you don't even owe him that)

Good luck!

fluffyanimal · 27/03/2012 12:38

AF, I presume your 'always one' and most recent comment are aimed at me. I think though, that it is a little unfair to suggest I'm trying to say "simply having a relationship is more important than the shit the relationship will put you through". What I'm trying to say is that IF she is into him, then she need not see this as some kind of red flag for him being an emotional abuser, which, IMO, your mention of emotional blackmail and fucking with her head sounds like.

Yes, the guy has issues. Yes, she might not need that in her life. But if she is into him (and if she's not, then no biggie) she need not assume that this is necessarily all sinister and bad news.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 12:45

why get into it, though, fluffy ?

she has three young children

she has been headfucked by other men recently

she owes this one nothing

a problem like this in an established relationship can be worked through together

the way he reacted was frankly crap...pushing her away and have a big ole strop like a baby and subsequently trying to push it away under the carpet

not good, and if I were her I would cut my losses right now, not be trying to find a way to make it work with him

Lovetats · 27/03/2012 12:50

Oh God! I couldn't be bothered with such a drama queen! I'd bin him and not give it a second thought.

I'm a single mum of 3 and would only ever contemplate having another relationship for sex as I do miss it (sometimes).

IMO if he can't even do that right from the get-go, then what's the point of him?

EnjoyResponsibly · 27/03/2012 12:53

I think fluffys right about his reaction. However it's a sign of what you'll need to invest in getting any kind of relationship up off the ground (pardon the pun).

On the whole I'd go with Ballons comment.

Callisto · 27/03/2012 12:54

I'm with Lovetats.

Swipe left for the next trending thread