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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really need some advice on a new relationship

80 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 27/03/2012 11:13

Righ, bit of background, i'm a single mum of 3, been single for 6 years with one painful fling about a year ago.

So, a boloke i used to work with starts flirting with me on fb. I already know him obviously, cos i worked with him, but also cos he is a mate of the bloke I had a fling with, although they are not close mates.

I wasn't at all sure about starting a relationship with anyone, mainly because I have alot going on with the kids and moving etc atm, but I agreed he could come round as a mate a few times, and things progressed beyond mates (not sex though). He wanted/wants a relationship and after getting over me nerves and reservations about being hurt again, i agreed.
We went out for lunch yesterday and had a really lovely time and i was sure i'd made the right choice.

Later on the night he came round again, and met my kids. They did already know about him btw, and two of them had met him previously once while we were out and about. I would never normaly introduce my kids so soon. Kids loved him, he loved them, they all got on fab.

So, later on, on the night things got heated and we attempted to have sex BUT he couldn't keep an erection. I was honestly not at all bothered or worried about this and put it down to first time nerves or something. I would have quite happily forgot about it. However, his reaction is what has caused the problem.

He immediatly pushed me away and told me to leave him alone, wouldn't speak or look at me. Both sat back down on sofa and he wouldn't let me hold his hand or arm or anything and started saying how this was never going to work because it would happen again and i'd not put up with not having sex etc. He said it had happened a few times before, but that normally when he gets comfortable with someone it's ok. He was quite angry, not towards me but just in general. He then cried and I tried to comofrt him and he wouldn't let me.

I can't quite describe what I mean, but it was a bit like a grown man having a huge tantrum/sulk. I had no problem with what happened except for his reaction to it. I said that surely it was up to me wether i could put up wth it or not, but that i wasn't sure i could put up with his reaction to it every time it happened, and being pushed away and made to feel like i did something wrong.

He kept asking me to decide there and then if it was over. I said that i couldn't decide just like that, and it wasnt fair of him to ask. He said he needed to know, and so i said that he'd have to decide for himself then, and he said ok, it won't work. He kept saying it, like he was waiting for me to change his mind for him.

He eventually left and he has now txt this morning saying that he is sorry, and he overeacted but that he can't help it. He wants me to tell him if we are finished or not.

I don't know, i really don't. Part of me thinks he is worth another chance, but then part of me thinks that i don't need the hassle, if this is how he is going to be. Plus what if he reacts like that to other situations ?

I feel like I have been so stupid, yet again, and either desicion, would be stupid too.

OP posts:
DowagersHump · 27/03/2012 12:57

fluffy - even if the OP really, really likes him, this is a shit start to a relationship. If he has problems dealing with his ED, he needs to deal with them like an adult - have therapy, see his GP, whatever.

It isn't the OP's job to help him deal with it. Why on earth would anyone carry on having a relationship with someone when there's a big issue from the outset? This is supposed to be the fun bit

ionysis · 27/03/2012 13:05

Oh my! This would have been grist to my mill when I was single. I used to love a man with big self-esteem issues who I could try to "fix"....

My instinctive response is to keep seeing him, gently build his confidence and ego up, tell him how relaxed you are about it and how wonderful he is in other ways etc. Because that's what I'D have done. Because I must say I feel so sorry for the poor chap - I just want to give him a cuddle and make him feel better - he is so obviously traumatised by his previous ED issues (and possibly I suspect some woman / women who have maybe been less understanding than you were about it).

BUT the right advice to give you for an easy life is walk away now. Do you need the hassle?

But PLEASE make it clear to the poor bloke that it isn't because of him not being able to hold a stiffy or he may never get it up again.

ionysis · 27/03/2012 13:09

The more I think about it the more sorry I feel for him. No matter how you try and phrase any rejection he will still believe you've given him the push because he didn't get it up which will further reinforce his already substantial pain and humiliation in regards to this "deficiency". I'm not sure I could do that to the guy without at least giving it a chance... I'd feel too mean. :(

Leverette · 27/03/2012 13:12

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LiarsWife · 27/03/2012 13:29

Ionysis have you ever read 'Women Who love too much*' sounds just your thing!

The OP doesn't need someone she has to fix first

LyssaM · 27/03/2012 13:30

I have never yet seen a good outcome (though I could be wrong) where one person demanded a decision on an emotional matter there and then, on the instant. It's like any attempt to look at things in the cool light of day will bring everything crashing down - it's as if he is rushing you to stop you spotting flaws. If anyone was selling me something like a car or a carpet and asks for an instant decision, I walk.

I have never seen it work well (again, could be wrong) where you are put in the position of always having to chase after someone and reassure them and coax them back. It doesn't stop and it is hard work.

And how did you get coaxed into this situation when you weren't actually that keen? It's not the ED, really, it's all the stuff around it.

btw - the nicer you are saying 'no', (if that's what you decide), the harder he will push. Good luck.

gingerpig · 27/03/2012 13:30

I had a relationship with a man who reacted very badly to his ED. we got around it, if you like, but it was never 'easy'. however what eventually killed it for us was his total inability to control himself in relation to any other non-sex-related difficulties. so I would see this as nothing to do with the ED and everything to do with his reaction. he is showing you how he reacts to things that make him feel bad. listen.

ionysis · 27/03/2012 13:34

Oh I agree with you LiarsWife. And that's what I said to her.

That doesn't stop me feeling sorry for the guy though. Sexual dysfunction (in men or women) is such a confidence-sapping, humiliating thing to have to deal with. He has probably been rejected before for that reason.

My poor husband was cheated on my his first wife who told him it was HIS fault because his penis was too small (it isn't by the way Grin). He still believes he has a tiddler and it took him a year before he would walk around naked in front of me. People can be so cruel.

EasyOnTheChips · 27/03/2012 13:45

It's not about the ED though - it's about his reaction to it combined with the "choose now!" stuff.

My reaction would have been "Oh do fuck off you stupid fucker" but that's just me.

VelmaDaphne · 27/03/2012 13:47

I think it depends on how much you like him.

If you're really keen on him and you can imagine a future with him, then I would sit him down and explain that it wasn't the ED that bothered you, but his reaction to it afterwards. Explain that that is not how you conduct relationships, and if he wants to be with you he's got to change how he handles such situations. Then he could have one more chance.

If you're not that fussed about him I would explain your reasons and tell him it's over.

carernotasaint · 27/03/2012 13:57

Quote "id not put up with not having sex" i would see this as a big red flag. By throwing a strop and saying that youd not put up with not having sex he is already hinting that hes not prepared to go to his GP and sort it out.
OP you do NOT want to end up in a long term sexless relationship.
Take it from me it is soul destroying.

MissFaversham · 27/03/2012 13:57

The boy man is toxic. Do yourself and your kids a massive favour and text back straight away that you do not wish to continue.

He became sulky and "rejectile" after floppy incident (I don't care whether the bloke can never get it up again and nor should you OP). Is he a boozer?

Plus he had the cheek to try to push you into a decision.

FFS OP run for the hills and let him crawl back under the rock he came from.

BertieBotts · 27/03/2012 14:01

Even if he does just have issues relating to this, though, they are his issues - not yours. He needs to deal with them himself, not expect someone he's only just met to hold his hand through it. However hard it is for him, it's not OP's place to do that.

At best, too much hassle, at worst - what everyone else said!

gingerpig · 27/03/2012 14:03

is it really worth sacrificing all the years you've spent healing and putting yourself first for a man you're already having doubts over?

TheOriginalNutcracker · 27/03/2012 21:21

OK, big breath in, and now im going to tell you all that i am giving him one last chance. Why ?? because i feel like i'd be cruel not to, and also that i need to know if he is always like this.

He has sworn he will not react like that again. I need to let him prove that, or not.

Believe me when i say that he gets one more chance and that it is. You are right when you say that i don't need this, but i will always wonder what if, otherwise.

My ex was a tosser and there is no way in hell that id ever let anyone treat me that way again. So, one more chance and that is it. We are going out on saturday night, and it will be a very telling situation, as his mate (my kind of ex) will also be there. If he kicks off, even slightlhy, then he is gone.

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/03/2012 21:35

Run for the hills!

Dozer · 27/03/2012 21:36

Who cares about being cruel? You hardly know him! It's cruelty to yourself you should be worried about.

Dozer · 27/03/2012 21:37

Anyway, ending a relationship (that has barely started) - whatever the reason - isn't cruel.

crazyhead · 27/03/2012 21:37

I think if you knew him really well, and just thought he was generally an amazing bloke, you could work through this stuff. Hopefully for him, that'll eventually happen for him. But I agree with other posters that generally, you haven't got much reason to bother.

DinahMoHum · 27/03/2012 21:40

i think its probably down to his self esteem and hes probably hurting and self sabotaging etc, but tbh, i wouldnt be impressed for a first date. Not about the sex not working, but about him having major issues. I dont think i could be bothered with it, unless he was someone really really special in every other way

AnyFucker · 27/03/2012 21:42

oh well

good luck < sigh >

MissFaversham · 27/03/2012 21:59

Of course he isn't special he's damaged goods and damaged goods unless sorted by themselves without projecting go on and damage everyone else in their wake.

I feel for you OP but i feel for your kids more Sad. This cross nasty person man will play with your already shot emotions until you won't know whether your shitting or pissing.

Just a thought? Why can't such a young bloke get it up?

Is he a guilty cheat?

Is he not over someone else yet?
Is he a piss head?

When are women going to stop enabling disgusting bad behaviour?

MissFaversham · 27/03/2012 22:03

Parting words. OP work on yourself until you feel sorry for people like this and are able to use your "recognition" to give them a very very wide berth.

You are NOT his mother.

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 22:07

'Wedge' and 'thin end' come to mind.

Brave words, OP, but I suspect that you'll give this shallow callow youth guy considerably more than one chance.

I doubt that you'll act on these words either but, neverthless, I suggest that you keep him well away from your dc until you have ascertained whether this one chance is one too many.

You do know that a 'what if' is a much more comforting thought than an 'if only'?

rightchoice · 27/03/2012 22:11

If only you were older and wiser.

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