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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help what shall I say ?

31 replies

FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 21:05

I have posted a few times about my dh mostly with different names.

He is great 99% of the time it is just when drinking I can't bear him.

He has been nasty and abusive in the past when drunk but is rarely like that now after I took the dc and left him for a couple of weeks.

Now he is just a cock and i hate him when he has a drink.
Our oldest is 10 so it is harder to hide as he is growing up. I don't want him to see or speak to his dad when he is like that.

What can I say to him to make him realise I am getting to end of tether again. He only drinks once or twice a week evenings but he had a long weekend so we are on day 4 of evening drinking now.

If we had no children I would have left him years ago

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 25/03/2012 21:07

You can't say anything :( If he was going to realise that, he would have done already.

You've already left him once - okay, he is "rarely" like that now, but why is it still happening at all? He cares more about his drink than he cares about you.

nizlopi · 25/03/2012 21:07

You can't say anything to him. You left him for a couple of weeks and even that wasn't enough to get him to stop drinking.

As the child of an alcoholic, the only thing I can advise you to do is leave and save yourself and your children from this fuck up.

pictish · 25/03/2012 21:09

He knows how you feel...of course he does. He just doesn't think it matters, because you stay and put up with it.
You can't make him change. The only thing you can change is what you are, and are not, prepared to tolerate.
Vote with your feet.

awbless · 25/03/2012 21:09

There is nothing you can say or do that will stop him drinking. If he can't control it -how can you?

Al-anon for family and friends of those with alocohol problems can help - believe me.

Original poster
FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 21:11

I have found an al anon group near me but I am too scared to go.

I would cry and not be able to stop

OP posts:
awbless · 25/03/2012 21:19

Don't be scared - please go.

You will be among people who know exactly how you feel. They wont tell you what to do. You can cry the whole time - they will understand. There is nothing you can say that that they (we) haven't done, felt, said.

They saved my life, my life (and my OH) is so much better.

You don't have to speak, you can just listen. You are not alone.

Please go - I know it will help, because it helped me and still does.

Original poster
FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 21:46

How has it made your oh better by going awbless ?

Please tell me. My h is lovely when sober and we are happy he turns into a completly different person when drinking

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2012 21:47

Please go along to your local Al-anon meeting; they can and will help you. At the very least call their helpline (I will put up their details for you).

You cannot fully protect the children from the realities of his alcoholism; they see how your H's behaviour affects you and by turn them.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You would do well to remember the above.

You left him once, you can do so again and this time on a more permanent footing. You cannot help him but you can save you and your children from them growing up around an alcoholic parent. It does your children no favours at all to be growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent in it. You being there enables him; you are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is albeit in different ways. Your post like many of this type is primarily about him as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2012 21:48

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire

61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

You will find us at the corner of Great Dover St and Spurgeon St.

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888

(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

Happylander · 25/03/2012 21:50

I think drinking to excess once or twice a week a lot tbh and I used to like to party. Plus you are now on day 4 of drinking to excess! I am another child of an alcoholic father who was horrible to my mum when drunk it has affected me, my brother and sister.

Original poster
FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 21:54

I love a drink but have virtually stopped so as not to encourage him.

He used to go out and drink (and ran up huge debts too ) now he stays in and drinks.

I have nowhere to go and I am so ashamed of admitting our marriage is a failure. He would never move out and house joint owned so i can't force him.

OP posts:
awbless · 25/03/2012 21:56

I stopped trying to make him 'better' and concentrated on myself I learned about the 'illness'. I realised I was enabling him to drink. I realised that I was joining in the 'game'.

I realised that I was making things worse for him. And believe me no-one can make an alcoholic feel any worse than they already do. They have feelings of guilt that we cannot ever imagine.

I only realised these things by attending Al-anon, listening, sharing my feelings and being helped by others who have been through it, been through worse, still going through it. Wives (mostly), husbannds, partners, parents and children - all of whom have been affected by the family disease of alcoholism.

You wont regret going. First time I have been on Mumsnet is today - maybe you are the reason why.

Original poster
FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 22:01

And i really appreciate it awbless. You are right I need help to understand this.

I am on my phone can't type well.

At worst he is a nasty abusive drunk at best he is an utter cock and i just hate him when drunk. Then I wonder how I can love this man who I hate sometimes.

He has guilt yes as if I mention his drinking he is v v defensive and won't discuss it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 22:01

Thank you

OP posts:
awbless · 25/03/2012 22:13

You love him not the drinking. I understand, others don't and can't. You'll hear from well meaning family and friends "why don't you leave him".

I know it feels really daunting to go into an al-anon meeting but everyone who is there has done that first step. You will hear stories that will inspire you from people who have been in the depths of despair but wanted to do something, anything to help their seemingky hopeless situation. You will hear laughter and tears but mostly you will hear overwhelming support and hope. It works. It's based on the AA program

My DH has been sober for nearly 4 years, after a drinking career spanning nearly 30 years! He didn't start going to AA until after I started Al-anon, that, if nothing else must tell you something. He started change when I did.

Go. You will never regret it.

awbless · 25/03/2012 22:16

And by the way - he'll blame everyone else for his drinking.

"you'd drink if you had - my wife, my kids, my job etc..

The alky's mantra 'Always Somebody Else to Blame'

T x

Original poster
FortynotFat · 25/03/2012 22:22

He knows. We did have a frank talk the other day and he admits it all. It is just a slippery slope for him. He cannot have a couple he always drinks till drunk.

He was given a bottle of rum as a gift and my heart sunk as spirits are worse. He has been downing shots between the wine.

It would be easier if he were violent or drunk every day as i could easily leave then. We had a wonderful day out in countryside with dc and the dogs. Theen he opened the wine ....

OP posts:
awbless · 25/03/2012 22:30

He can't control it, it's an illness. He would need help, but only when he's ready. If you carry on in the same way nothing will change. We've all done it and said it "if you loved me/the children you'd stop". Did it work? No.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Change yourself first. Al-anon.

blowcushion · 25/03/2012 22:58

awbless I disagree that alcoholism is an illness; it's a preventable lifestyle! OP Sort him out, big time!!!

tallwivglasses · 25/03/2012 23:04

"If we had no children I would have left him years ago"

Tell him that. Then think about a time limit.

ToothbrushThief · 25/03/2012 23:06

''If we had no children I would have left him years ago''

TBH it's because of the DC that you should leave

Do you really want them affected by this mess? Because they will be

ErikNorseman · 26/03/2012 00:56

Blowcushion that is ridiculous and unhelpful. The OP cannot 'sort out' her DH and nor should she, even if she could.

ToothbrushThief · 26/03/2012 07:38

Oh Dear God - I'd missed blwcushion's wildly inaccurate and misleading post.

The main thing to remember with any addiction is that no one else can fix it - they can encourage it by facilitating it....covering it up, tolerating bad behaviour and feeling sorry for the 'victim' who has to drink to cope with life.

The victim here... are those children.

Oho · 26/03/2012 07:41

No, I think we should listen to blowcushion. She clearly has insights into alcoholism that the experts don't know about! Alcoholism is caused by partners not sorting things out. Good grief.

Apologies for the hijack, OP. From my experience living with alcoholics, the cliche is true; they need to be ready to help themselves. Until then, you need to take care of yourself and your children. Al-anon is a good starting place.

I am also the adult child of an alcoholic who has been deeply affected by my childhood.

misty0 · 26/03/2012 07:43

OP i just wanted to offer an un MN like ((hug))

Not alot of help i know, but i empathise with so much of what you have said and how you feel. I couldnt read and not post.

My DP has an unhealthy relationship with drink, but seems to be on top of it now at the moment. Our past problems, and the knowledge that these things can resurface, have left me with an anxiety about his drinking which causes almost as many problems as his drinking did when things were bad! Would al-anon help me? I dont know know - but from what the other (lovely) posters here are saying it sounds like it would definately help you, OP, so please be brave and give it a go.

Really really hope you can work things out for the better. Al-anon does sound like a good idea.